tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80565265630890249292024-02-07T17:41:03.104-08:00alphabet soup vomitI have to eat a lot of soup to vomit up each post. Take pity on me.JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.comBlogger409125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-46254375227454669762017-11-29T12:58:00.000-08:002017-11-29T12:58:36.445-08:00Dear Oral BI recently purchased some replacement brush heads, but I had a bit of a problem. It's the same problem I imagine millions of your customers have. I had no idea which brush head would fit my electric toothbrush. This was not helped by the fact that nowhere on my toothbrush is there anything which says what the model is. It put me in a rather impossible position where all I could do was fork over $13.60 and cross my fingers. It turned out I lost this ridiculous game of roulette and my brand new brush heads were about as useless as flyscreens on a submarine. Perhaps you could come up with a better system than this. Why not make one type white and one type silver, or stick a star on one or really do anything which doesn't rely on me remembering the details of a 30 second purchase I made 10 years ago? While I think of it, here are a few other suggestions. Why not design the brush heads without the holes in them? These only serve to flick bits of frothing toothpaste all over my clothes and bathroom mirror. I'm really tired of cleaning up after your stupid design flaws. Your packaging is also far from environmentally friendly - it includes about enough plastic to build a Barbie Dream Home. Is there really a need to make the brush heads harder to get to than a Pharaoh? I will be a tad less disappointed if you send me some replacement brush heads. This time you get to guess what model of toothbrush I have.JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-26602192034801907292017-03-23T19:29:00.002-07:002017-03-23T19:29:48.976-07:00Virgin Mary Sex DollWhen Charlie Hebdo published a cartoon mocking Mohammed, there were all sorts of possible responses. Ignoring it could have been one. A strongly worded letter may have been another. Unfortunately, someone decided to go with the option of loading up some machine guns and shooting the shit out of a whole bunch of people.<br />
<br />
It seemed a tad disproportionate and any sympathy I had for those who were offended by the cartoon quickly dried up. I think if Islamic fundamentalists want to win people over they really need to be a bit more creative and thoughtful in their responses. <br />
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I believe in this instance they should have made Virgin Mary sex dolls. Just imagine it. All the Christians would have been horribly offended and then everyone could have agreed that mocking others' beliefs is not very nice.<br />
<br />
Then everyone would live happily ever after... or am I being too optimistic?JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-82527565901075900232016-10-19T22:30:00.001-07:002016-10-19T22:30:24.937-07:00One Ply<div class="MsoNormal">
One ply. Cheap, nasty, arse-shredding one ply. $300 per
night and they expect me to wipe my most delicate parts with this? One ply is for
truck stops, correctional facilities and those really nasty public toilets, fitted
out with blue lights so the junkies can’t shoot up. It really has no place in
posh hotels with marble foyers and a 4.3 rating on Tripadvisor. It’s not right.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who came up with this idea? Who was the miserable tight-arse
with no consideration for anyone else’s arse? Do they buy one ply for their own
family? Of course they don’t – their family would walk out on them, because no
one deserves to be treated that way. Hotel guests don’t deserve it. Truckies
don’t deserve it… I guess a few people in correctional facilities may deserve
it, but only the really fucking evil ones. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want multiple plies. I want air-weave, pillow cushion,
silk caress comfort. I don’t want to feel the current texture of what was
formerly my buffet breakfast. Toilet paper technology has come a very long way
since those terrible dark days when one ply was standard issue. These advances
have benefited humanity far more than putting a man on the moon. Whoever it was
that invented Sorbent Cotonelle should be far more widely celebrated than Neil
Armstrong whose sole contribution was stepping out of a spaceship while
fluffing his big line.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I visit a posh hotel I can avoid the overpriced peanuts
and the tiny $10 bottles of spirits in the mini bar. I can go without the rip
off Wi-Fi. But a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. Normally time on the
thrown is a mildly pleasant, satisfying experience, however when I take hold of
that cheap, scratchy piece of one ply I can’t help but get extremely angry at
the greedy corporate bastards who wouldn’t fork out the extra few cents for the
sake of my posterior comfort.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I start to get really wound up. To bring myself back to a
state of calm I then force myself to think “this is such a first wold problem… there are billions of people who don’t even have
proper sanitation. There are children who don’t even have the food to start
this whole digestive process, let alone end it. There is a war in Syria where
thousands of people are literally getting their arses blown off.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I feel sad.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I feel like a monster for getting so angry about a
first world problem.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I see that little survey card that says “Did you enjoy
your stay?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I realise there is just not enough space to have a
proper rant on one of those hotel survey cards.<o:p></o:p></div>
JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-69169669264744622622016-02-16T02:19:00.000-08:002016-02-16T02:19:27.647-08:00Everything is a medical conditionHave you noticed how no one is ever thirsty anymore? Instead everyone tells you that they are 'dehydrated'. There simple desire for a drink has suddenly turned into a medical condition.<br />
<br />
Today everyone is an expert with a desire to blame every tiny little thing on some sympathy winning medical condition. If I go to the wrong address, turn up at the wrong time or call the wrong number it's generally because I wasn't concentrating. However if someone asks me why I stuffed up, I tell them I'm numerically dyslexic and all is magically forgiven. Mostly people will say that they are also a bit numerically dyslexic too.<br />
<br />
When Tiger Woods got caught screwing a dozen different woman, he didn't say he enjoyed sleeping around - instead he said he had a sex addiction. Whenever a rugby league player tries to drink his urine, punch someone or molest an animal they don't say they are just a horrible human being - they inevitably blame it on an alcohol problem. If it is a medically diagnosed alcohol condition that caused them to disgrace themselves, it is suddenly more forgivable.<br />
<br />
I don't know how many people have told me they are a little bit ADHD. They generally just do this as an excuse for ignoring you whilst playing with their phone. Their only real condition is rudeness.<br />
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<br />
<br />
<br />JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-11197952308012530752016-01-20T15:53:00.002-08:002016-01-20T15:56:24.017-08:00World Championships of Farting<div class="MsoNormal">
Men are generally fascinated by farting and anything which
is competitive. It’s almost incomprehensible that no one has put the two
together and created a large-scale event.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I envisage the World Championships of Farting would be held
in the elevator of the Empire State building. (qualifying events could be held in other tall towers around the world). The competitor would enter the
elevator along with three judges. The doors would close and the competitor
would have the entire journey up to unleash their worst.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
50 per cent of the score would be awarded for the volume and
duration of the farts. The other 50 per cent would be awarded for
aroma. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I imagine the TV coverage would be packed full of special segments
covering each of the competitors and what they ate and drank in the lead up. I'd go German with a lot of beer and sauerkraut. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
I was thinking of competing under the name Gaseous Clay
before converting to Islam and becoming Muhammad Arseleak. Being white I then decided it may be more appropriate if I compete as Rocky Bowelblower.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p><img alt="Image result for rocky farting" 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" /><img alt="Image result for rocky farting" 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" /></div>
JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-85837843504952027032015-10-13T21:07:00.002-07:002015-10-13T21:07:19.199-07:00The decline of children<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was a kid there was a magical place you could go and
get presents even when it wasn’t your birthday or Christmas. This magical place
was called the tip.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I once got an awesome scooter from the tip. When I say
awesome it was old, rusty and fairly beaten up but it had all its wheels and it
went completely fine. Why would anyone throw away such as an amazing object?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
While I dreamed of one day getting taken to Uncle Pete’s
Toys, the tip had that added element of excitement and danger. There was the rank
smell, the risk of tetanus and the very slight chance you might come across a severed
body part like in the start of a Law & Order episode.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I did eventually get to go to Uncle Pete’s Toys one day, but
as much as I nagged I don’t think I actually got anything. At the tip you could
take home whatever you wanted (provided it wasn’t a manky severed arm or
something).<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
The tip was a breeding ground for more than just germs. It
also bred ingenuity and creativity. Old prams were in high demand because you
could take off their wheels and make billy carts. You could then race these
billy carts down very steep hills, dramatically crash and then spend weeks
picking at all those lovely scabs.<o:p></o:p></div>
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At some point all the tips got closed down and from then on
you never saw billy carts. Gradually kids become softer and more annoying and
then Justin Bieber appeared and it all went to hell. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<img src="http://juliusgrill.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/BillyCarts_09-590x393.jpg" /></div>
JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-73557084862841533712015-10-12T21:06:00.002-07:002015-10-12T21:06:36.309-07:00Why it is time to panic and lose your shit<div class="MsoNormal">
At the beginning of 1637 Dutch investors were paying many
times a typical annual salary for a single tulip bulb. In February of that year,
the boom came to a sudden spectacular crash and tulip-mania became a famous cautionary
tale about the perils of paying stupid amounts for things. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s now 2015 and someone who clearly never learnt about tulip-mania
has just paid more than six million dollars for an <a href="http://www.domain.com.au/news/chatswood-house-price-record-smashed-on-saturday-20151010-gk5zvc/" target="_blank">ugly house</a> in Chatswood. This
big brick box of a house was built at the very dullest point of the 90’s and stands
in a bog standard suburban street. The backyard has a large lawn and a Hills
Hoist but appears not to include a pool, a tennis court or a magic tree which
money grows on. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Clearly this price makes no sense and when prices start
making no sense it is time to worry.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I have spent many years living in Chatswood and it never
struck me as the kind of super special suburb where six million dollar homes
would ever exist. Chatswood has gargantuan shopping malls, great yum cha and a Korean
hairdresser who will give you a decent hairdo for just eighteen bucks. You will
however struggle to get harbour views or a deep water frontage, which are
usually part of the package for a six million dollar joint.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Logically this buyer would have been far better off purchasing
their own tropical island. This secluded piece of paradise would not be as close
to all the fancy clothes shops, but when you own your own tropical it’s fairly simple
to adopt a nudist lifestyle. With the money left over it would also be easy to
employ a Korean hairdresser, a personal chef and some surly Shirley to wheel
trays of chicken feet and steamed buns around on a Sunday morning.<o:p></o:p></div>
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While I can’t fathom the buyer’s reasoning for spending such
a stupendous amount of money for a big box in Chatswood I do hope they enjoy
it. Perhaps they will decide to pretty up the garden by planting a few tulips.<o:p></o:p><img alt="This house at 6 Chatswood Avenue sold for $6 million under the hammer on Saturday, smashing the previous suburb record." src="http://static.domain.com.au/domainblog/uploads/2015/10/10081406/2_gk60qe.jpg" /></div>
JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-45060790556990659742015-07-29T17:57:00.001-07:002015-07-29T17:57:15.777-07:00Is a million dollar median really something to applaud?<div class="MsoNormal">
In Sydney we cheer the property market on like it’s Black
Caviar coming down the home straight at Flemington. It is easy to see why
people get excited. A large proportion of us are punters and there’s a couple
of trillion riding on it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But not everyone has a bet on. Many of us simply can’t stump
up the cash or find the odds far from favourable. Having seen that horse whipped
so hard for so long, we’re waiting for it to finally fall over and die. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Paying a million bucks for a bog standard house in the burbs
doesn’t seem like a winning bet. It doesn’t seem like the “great Australian
dream” either. It seems more like a horrific, panic-inducing nightmare. Just
imagine waking up in a fibro shack on a main road and realising you owe the
bank a seven figure sum. You would be in a constant cold sweat.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is this really the best Sydneysiders can dream of? Getting a
good job, working ridiculously hard and coming home on a toll road just in time
to flick on a home renovation show? Is this what we now call living? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What have the next generation got to look forward to? I’m
sure very few are excited about the prospect of bunking down with their parents
until their mid 30’s, just so they can pay off their HECS debt and start
scraping together a home deposit. Don’t expect them to reproduce either. Kids
really get in the way of mortgage repayments. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instead of treating housing as a basic need, we have transformed
it in to a wildly speculative investment. Each massive price rise gets cheered
on with glee. But would we all be this happy if a loaf of bread cost $25?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While successive governments have feigned tremendous concern
about the cost of living, all have done diddly squat about the cost of housing.
Rather than being brave enough to put a pin to the bubble, they have concocted
ways to make the problem worse. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We now have a city which a generation of people can’t afford
to live in. Who’s grand vision was this? Who wanted to see a bunch of stressed
out wage slaves, commuting from dull, distant suburbs, just so they could fling
half their earnings back to a bank? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps it’s time the pollies stop putting the punters first
and give the rest of us something to cheer about. <o:p></o:p></div>
JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-76407831934132390922015-07-16T18:13:00.000-07:002015-07-16T18:13:01.300-07:00Am I sleep-eating cork?Even though this blog is called alphabet soup vomit, I'm not one to normally write about bodily functions. Today however I'm talking about poo.<br />
<br />
I did a poo the other day that just wouldn't flush. It was incredible. It was like I had been sleepwalking, eaten a whole bunch of corks and had them pass through my digestive system, forming the shape of a poo but retaining all of their original buoyancy.<br />
<br />
After the third full flush I was getting resigned to the fact that this poo might never leave. I thought about naming it. Initially I decided on Bob, due to the fact that it just kept bobbing up.<br />
<br />
I then decided on a different, more poignant name. I called my poo John Howard. After all, he was an annoying little shit that wouldn't go away no matter how much I wanted him to.<br />
<br />
Eventually, on the fifth flush he did go down. I celebrated like it was the 2007 election. JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-31964773101200652712015-06-18T00:13:00.002-07:002015-06-18T00:13:30.133-07:00Planes and windmillsWind farms tend to be located in paddocks where pretty much no one lives aside from a few cows. They are less noisy than a lawnmower.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.treehugger.com/assets/images/2011/10/how-loud-is-a-wind-turbine-photo.png" /><br />
<br />
Jet aircraft are a shitload noisier than lawnmowers. Sydney's second airport will be located in the middle of a city where millions of people live and is planned to operate 24 hours.<br />
<br />
Why the fuck is Tony Abbott so worried about cows and so unconcerned about people?JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-62205448657376529432015-06-17T23:38:00.002-07:002015-06-17T23:38:08.331-07:00I can't agree with all this nodding<div class="MsoNormal">
When a politician addresses the media why are they now invariably
flanked by two people whose sole purpose is to nod? It all seems a little creepy
and weird. These background nodders look like they have been lobotomised or given
some heavy duty mind altering medication which helps them to agree with every imbecilic
utterance that exits the politician’s mouth.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The nodders were most likely the invention of genius media advisors
– probably the same ones who discovered the magical powers of repeating three
word slogans and assiduously avoiding answering any direct questions. Somewhere
along the way, they decided to unleash the amazing power of the nod. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With two people visibly agreeing with the politician in the
form of a nod, they reasoned that the gormless public would never again question
whether their message was just a steaming pile of horse manure. If the serious-looking
nodders in the grey suits agreed so wholeheartedly, we would surely believe
every word is true. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Unfortunately those clever media advisors forgot the public also
value authenticity and that relentless sycophantic nodding never quiet seems
real. Most of us suspect the nodders are bored senseless of hearing the same tired
lines and just want the press conference to end quickly so they can finally go
to the toilet. Their nodding performances look tortured and are sharply lacking
the authenticity we crave.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Strategically placing two nodders behind the leader is no
doubt supposed to engender an image of party unity. We are supposed to believe political
parties are big happy families where everyone is always in complete agreement. Given
recent political history this does not exactly ring true. It seems more likely
our leaders are just paranoid about back-stabbing and want two people forming a
protective wall behind them at all times.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The main impression given by all this nodding is that political
parties are weird cults. Leaders can say anything and their followers must only
gaze upon them in awe and nod along in complete devotion. It’s not the kind of role
which would make a free thinking person seek a place in parliament. Who wants a
job where the two main responsibilities are nodding and remembering not to pick
your nose? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being a nodder is a job which could be easily replaced. They
would just have to buy a few dashboard toys from the two dollar shop and make
sure to jiggle them every now and then so their heads keep bobbing up and down.
Instead we are still paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for the salaries
of all these professional nodders. It is bound to get even worse. Pretty soon half
of Canberra will be putting in compo claims for nodding induced RSI. <o:p></o:p></div>
JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-40110313911264717882015-06-15T23:34:00.001-07:002015-06-15T23:34:59.409-07:00Why don't we pay terrorists?We've seen paying people smugglers is a cheap, effective way of getting shit done. I think we should extend the program to terrorists.<br />
<br />
If someone writes "terrorist" as occupation and "jihad" as reason for visit on their immigration card, we should just give them a fat wad of cash and turn them around. It would be far cheaper and less convoluted than all this spying nonsense.<br />
<br />
Data retention is really expensive, and it takes ages wading through all the spam ads for Viagra and penis enlargement before you get to the bit were the evil genius lays out their master plan in an unencrypted email.<br />
<br />
We should probably pay people to stop importing drugs too.<br />
<br />
Dear Senor Estobar,<br />
<br />
We ask that you kindly stop sending drugs to Straya. Enclosed is a fat stack of taxpayers' money. If you continue to import drugs we will be forced to give you more money.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
Straya<br />
<br />
X0X0X<br />
<br />
<br />JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-55061145100136088082015-06-07T22:47:00.001-07:002015-06-07T22:47:53.230-07:00DigfitI have a mate who needs a large quantity of earth dug out from his backyard. I suggested he advertise a program called Digfit, where people pay money to get fit by digging. If people are dumb enough to sign up for horrible boot camp programs surely they would be dumb enough to sign up for this. He would get his hole and have money left over for some pavers.<br />
<br />
While this idea has great merit, I think there could be an even better solution. I think he should advertise casting for a new reality TV program, which pairs weight loss with home renovation. He could just stand about with a camera as people literally work their arses off doing painstaking manual labour to fix up his home. I'd even call the show Work Your Arse Off.<br />
<br />
If there were such a show people would probably watch it in Australia. It would probably rate its big wobbly man tits off. I would however prefer the whole thing just be a big scam, with the video taken being used to make a documentary about the scam. The contract would be written in such away to make sure no one ever gets any prize money. It would however be a thought-provoking exploration in to how the promise of fame, fortune and a slender waistline can make people do pretty much anything you want them to.JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-63270863648603125412015-05-21T15:27:00.000-07:002015-05-21T15:27:35.552-07:00The way to actually win against terrorismOur country is obsessed with buying multi-billion submarines and fighter planes to stop terrorism. It's like buying a rocket launcher to stop flies.<br />
<br />
What you really need to stop terrorism are accountants, computer nerds and advertising people.<br />
<br />
A team of forensic accountants could work out were terrorist groups were getting their funding and cut it off. Computer nerds could break into their social media, take down all their propaganda and disrupt their communication. Advertising people could create alternate propaganda. <br />
<br />
I like the idea of creating fake profiles of IS fighters in which they are all just a bit daggy and annoying. People can be okay with the whole decapitation thing but if someone is wearing socks and sandals they are far more likely to be put off. I'd have some Cliff Richard music playing in the background of the videos and show them eating home brand tinned fish. No one would want to go and fight for them then.<br />
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<br />JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-21313336778803411882015-05-12T21:04:00.000-07:002015-05-12T21:04:06.132-07:00Who needs income management?It seems we are very worried that aboriginals in remote communities will do stupid things with their welfare cheque. Without income management they might fritter it all away on booze, smokes and gambling.<br />
<br />
But what about the people who do really stupid things with their money? Should we have income management for the super-rich? It seems to me that if someone is willing to piss away $160 million on a painting they should be judged not competent and have the government control their spending. We could stop people buying polluting private jets, caviar from critically endangered sturgeon and all those ivory back scratchers.JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-18826260883213580002015-05-07T22:49:00.002-07:002015-05-07T22:49:49.759-07:00Microphones are the wrong shapeWhen we wanted to fly we looked at birds and came up with aeroplanes. When we wanted things to stick together we looked at burrs and came up with Velcro. When we wanted to capture sound I imagine the scientists looked at ears. So when they invented the microphone how come they came up with something which looked like a dick?<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm guessing they were just having a big laugh.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As scientists I imagine they weren't fond of politicians, singers and other celebrity wankers who were likely to be using microphones. They spent the rest of their lives rolling around laughing at all these people with their mouths millimetres away from big metal cocks.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Microphones should really be in the shape of an ear and probably not a human ear because our hearing is pretty crap. I reckon something in the shape of a fox ear is bound to work pretty well. It would take a while before people got used to fox ear shaped microphones, but it would make way more sense.</div>
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JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-83730871427594938352015-04-27T15:45:00.000-07:002015-04-27T15:45:09.956-07:00Would you be happier in North Korea?In Australia we live a life of ridiculous opulence. We have fancy houses, fancy cars and so much food that our greatest worry is getting fat. We should all be so stupidly happy that we walk around with permanent idiotic grins affixed to our faces.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately we are constantly plugged into the media. The news gives us a whole lot of things to worry over and get angry about. We are constantly reminded that our leader is a heartless imbecile. Then we have the cooking shows, which suddenly make you feel disappointed about the tasty bowl of two minute noodles you are eating. Then you have the car ads which makes you feel inferior because you are not driving something with rain sensing windscreen wipers and loads of built-in TVs.<br />
<br />
In North Korea, you know your leader is a kind, god-like being who wins Olympic gold medals in ice skating. Constantly you are reminded that everything is awesome and when you are lucky enough to eat noodles you are extremely happy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses because everyone is called Lee and all the Lees have just as little as you. People don't have Audis, they have malnourished donkeys and no one is trying to stick a load of TVs on the back of these donkeys. <br />
<br />
If it wasn't for the death camps, extreme poverty, lack of food and a few other assorted problems North Korea might just be a really happy place to live.JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-64348994808977216792015-04-25T17:18:00.000-07:002015-04-25T17:18:10.309-07:00A history of dance<div class="MsoNormal">
It was the winter of 1984 and Ryde East Public School was in
the grip of a severe outbreak of girls’ germs. Despite this, all of us boys
were gathered in the hall and forced to make physical contact with the infected.
We loudly protested that dancing with girls was gay, but were still made to learn
something they called a barn dance. It was painful. Some overenthusiastic
teacher called out “Heal and toe, heal and toe” and then something about a “dosey-doe”
(which seemed like gibberish), while some awful country music crept its way out
of the cassette deck.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We hated it. Dancing was for girls. They did ballet and
spent playlunch composing intricate synchronised dance routines to Madonna, blissfully
unaware of what the lyrics to <i>Like a
Virgin</i> meant. We just invented various games which involved tackling,
throwing balls at each other’s heads and anything else which would establish
where we were on the physical pecking order.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was pretty much able to avoid dancing until year 5 when a
school dance was organised and an old weird looking man called Disco Joe was
brought in to DJ. I am not saying Disco Joe was a paedophile; he was probably
just a lovely kind old man; but it didn’t all feel quite right. Repeatedly
doing the chicken dance at the urging of Disco Joe was certainly not as fun as
playing bull rush with my mates.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In 1990 I made the mistake of going to a boys’ school, which
meant the only real opportunity for contact with girls came at the school
dance. The whole setup of the school dance immediately seemed weird to me. As a
spotty, gangly, super-awkward 13 year old I was supposed to single out one
pretty girl from a large group of girls. Despite the fact that this girl was
already dancing I was then expected to ask “you wanna dance?” A far more apt
question may have been “do you want me to invade your personal space, while I
do the running man to MC Hammer, while your ten friends closely watch on and
judge?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pretty much all the music at the school dance was house
music and the video clips just involved a whole lot of busty black women
shaking their body parts in a way which was completely foreign to a growing white
lad with as much co-ordination as a two hour old giraffe. I tried to emulate
what was up there on the screen but it all just seemed wrong. I wasn’t feeling
the music.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My whole outlook on dancing was however about to change. One
magic day I watched a Midnight Oil video and I saw a man dance like no other
man had danced before. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t smooth. It wasn’t at all girly.
It was actually more like he was convulsing following a severe electrical
shock. As Peter Garrett twitched about singing <i>the power and the passion</i>,
his dancing actually showed great power and passion. It was also extremely
original.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I came to love dancing about like Peter Garrett. I felt the
music surging through me and I let it be expressed in a series of movements
which combined great fluidity with an epileptic seizure. Men understood my
Peter Garrett dance and they loved it. Women were however universally
unimpressed. No one likes to hear the words “get away from me you freak” but
teenage girls are actually surprisingly cruel creatures and would use those
words commonly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thankfully two things came along which made school dances
more bearable – alcohol and grunge music. Grunge music was pretty much designed
for awkward white boys so they wouldn’t really have to dance. You just had to
behave like a football hooligan during the intense parts and then slowly nod
your head with your eyes closed during the slow bits. It was perfect. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In year 9 I also discovered the benefits of alcohol. I
swiftly chugged half a bottle of vodka before a school dance and had the best
time ever. It suddenly didn’t matter that I hated all this dancing malarkey. I
could flail about however I pleased. I could ask anyone to dance, including my
science teacher. It didn’t even bother me when she said no. I had found a
wonderful ally to help me conquer the evil of dance.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At around this time in history the era of the rave emerged.
With it came techno. This was a style of music so hideously repetitive and awful
that mere alcohol was no match for it. If you were to endure a rave you needed to
take ecstasy. Ingesting pills of dubious origin, to participate in an activity
I disliked, to music which I hated, all seemed like rather a lot of bother. I
decided to give up on dancing, except when forced to at weddings.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The unfortunate thing about weddings is they play a standard
bunch of songs which I find quite annoying. It is extremely difficult to get
moving based on pure nostalgia for something I never cared about the first time
around. Songs with prescribed moves are also baffling to me. When <i>Blame it on the Boogie</i> inevitably comes
on I’m still doing the sunlight motion, while others are already up to the
boogie bit. When <i>Nutbush City Limits</i>
comes on I am stuck somewhere at a train station while everyone else is doing
the bus stop. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I understand why my wife likes dancing. She is a woman,
which is a major advantage because women still look sexy no matter how freakily
bad their dance moves actually are. She
hasn’t been traumatised by dancing, which makes repeating the whole experience
far less traumatic. She also doesn’t weigh 100 kilos and have massive feet
which can crush other people who dance near her, which is a definite plus.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I love my wife I will attempt to learn to wiggle my
bits in a manner which is pleasing. If I am to enjoy it I may however need some therapy to go along
with dance instruction. <o:p></o:p></div>
JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-91039832299374228742015-02-17T22:09:00.001-08:002015-02-18T19:54:55.263-08:00Humpty Dumpty makes senseWhy did an egg choose to sit on a wall? Surely eggs should sit in egg cups or in egg trays or nests where they have adequate measures to prevent them from rolling. Humpty's decision is ridiculous and caused an unnecessary waste of taxpayer funds. His decision was almost as dumb as the decision to use all the king's horses and all the king' men to try and reconstruct Humpty.<br />
<br />
As a kid this nursery rhyme seemed utterly stupid but now I realise it makes perfect sense. I think it was a comment of the propensity of people to do all sorts of stupid irrational things and the propensity of government to do even dumber things.<br />
<br />
Our government is basically a bunch of big Clydesdales with superglue, eggshells and bits of yolk stuck to their hooves. If we used all the horses and men more smartly we might get somewhere.JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-67949517934184288002015-02-12T13:50:00.001-08:002015-02-12T13:50:44.524-08:00Bunningsin 1975 advertising executive Gary Dahl came up with the idea of the pet rock. He took a bunch of rocks from a building supply store costing 1 penny each, packaged them up and sold them for a huge profit. He was soon a millionaire.<br />
<img src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/a/ab/PetRock_Box.jpg/250px-PetRock_Box.jpg" /><br />
40 years on Bunnings seems to think they can sell an ordinary rock for $5 without even bothering with the packaging or clever re-purposing.<br />
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Seeing a $5 rock for sale I really wished Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction was at Bunnings to do a tweaked version of the whole $5 shake conversation. </div>
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I also wished that this was one of the things they put on their ads with the happy jingle in the background. The ad could go something like this: Ordinary fucking rock $4.96.... Bag of horse shit $12.38..... Half dead pot of basil $7.99.... Bunnings Warehouse - we're lowest prices are just an illusion, because we know there are idiots out there who will cough up $5 for an ordinary fucking rock. </div>
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<br />JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-57334697041307445352015-02-05T22:46:00.004-08:002015-02-05T22:46:59.156-08:00blue and white dry cleanersI don't do much dry cleaning. I prefer wearing singlets and shorts and occasionally some less than flattering lycra. That's why I was gobsmacked by the price when I dropped off my wife's jacket to the local dry cleaner. I was in fact so gobsmacked that I used the word "gobsmacked", which I haven't used in a very, very long time.<br />
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Looking around the front of the place I couldn't see any signage telling me their pricing structure. This was not a good sign. In my experience places which avoid telling you their prices are going to charge you a stupidly large amount and leave you feeling quite violated.<br />
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My other clue that told me this place was going to be frightfully expensive was that the people behind the counter were not Asian. Asian stores are always the best. From fixing your computer, to cooking really tasty food or cleaning your clothes, Asians generally do it way better and for half the price. The last time I went to a dry cleaner it was an Asian one and he charged $6 or something which seemed pretty reasonable for exposing himself to all those mysterious, strange smelling dry cleaning chemicals. Even the Asian dry cleaner in fancy-pants Mosman advertises three items for $18.<br />
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So how much did it cost for one little jacket at blue and white dry cleaners?<br />
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$19.50<br />
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When I got the ticket it seemed more like a ransom note. I'm surprised it wasn't written with little letters cut out from a magazine. If I don't pay up immediately suspect I might get another note with a severed button.<br />
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<br />JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-37949779235499540442014-12-21T19:14:00.001-08:002014-12-21T19:14:42.091-08:00Cockroaches have a branding problemCockroaches and ladybugs are pretty similar. They both crawl sometimes and fly sometimes. They are both buggy looking and share much of the same DNA. But when a ladybug lands on someone they are generally really happy and make affectionate cooing noises. When a roach crawls up their leg they start screaming and try to whack the thing.<br />
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The first thing cockroaches should do is change their name. Ladybug and Christmas Beetle both sound nice, so I would go for something like Fortune Beetle or Wonderbug.<br />
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They also need to change their colours because brown just isn't working for them. I think glitterball would be pretty cool. Maybe they could have a big smiley face on their shells or perhaps they could just mirror the colours of the footy team in their local area. You would be far less likely to squish a Fortune Beetle who goes for the same team as you.JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-29598060408712157352014-12-14T20:59:00.001-08:002014-12-14T20:59:53.045-08:00The Christmas SpiritAustralia has officially turned into Scrooge or possibly Mr Burns.<br />
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The decision to cut another $4 billion from the foreign aid budget on the eve of Christmas seems a little mean given they have already cut $7.6 billion from foreign aid and siphoned off more to pay for detention centres and contributions to the climate change fund.<br />
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For a prime minister who is supposed to be all Jesusy this seems completing lacking in Christmas spirit. Has he even listened to Geldof's song? Does he know it's Christmas time at all?<br />
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When Tony says grace at Christmas lunch what will on earth could come out? " Dear father, thank you for letting me buy lots of fancy fighter jets and submarines while all these yucky poor un-Australian people are dying of starvation and ebola. Those fighter jets are way cool. I really want to boof Maverick from Top Gear - but it's okay, I won't marry him. That would be wrong. Amen"JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-41833687498639090542014-12-07T20:43:00.000-08:002014-12-07T20:43:22.770-08:00How to stop politicians from talking crapMost politicians have been trained to completely avoid answering questions and then waffle on about their own bullshit. I've got a smart way of rectifying that.<br />
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Whenever a politician gets interviewed they should be hooked up to a chair with some electrodes. Home viewers would be able to use a phone app to zap them when the answers they provide are crap.<br />
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I imagine ordinary Australians would start having an interest in politics. Ratings figures for the 7.30 Report would sky rocket. All the lefties who hate Tony Abbott but also hate violence would be left with an awful moral conundrum - but I'm sure most of them would zap the fucker anyway. JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8056526563089024929.post-75562367334454734302014-11-28T18:19:00.000-08:002014-11-28T18:19:08.486-08:00CutsI've always despised the Abbott government but now I have reason to dislike them even more. Because they have gutted the ABC I will no longer be able to watch Randwick games on the tele. That sucks big hairy dogs balls.<br />
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" /><br />
<br />
My beloved footy will no doubt be replaced by twenty year old re-runs of Midsomer Murders. In fact it will probably be replaced by the Bolt Report if the Libs get their way.<br />
<br />
The most annoying thing is that the little money they save will no doubt be pissed away on something stupid like another tunnel that I have to pay another toll on or a school chaplaincy program to indoctrinate impressionable children who signed up for a secular education or diesel subsidies for Gina's oversized Tonka trucks or paying rich people ludicrous amounts to have babies or tax breaks to help the property bubble keep growing so I can never afford a home.<br />
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Fuck you Tony. Fuck you. JWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02565402234794933688noreply@blogger.com0