Fixies are for fashion victims

Fixies are bikes designed for riding around a velodrome. They don’t have gears and they don’t have brakes because on a velodrome you don’t really need those things. Yes, they look all cool and minimalist but I just can’t explain why anyone would ride one around the streets - other than the fact that they are massive fashion victims.

Most fixies are created from people destroying perfectly functional road bikes. Just strip off the gears and the brakes and maybe get rid of the grip tape on the handlebars so you can burn the fuck out of your hands every time your beautiful piece of shit is left out in the sun. Smart.

I can understand the wankers in Melbourne doing it but Sydney has hills and how cool can you really look pushing your bike up some pathetic incline? Sydney also has mental drivers and whilst trying to avoid them I like to have all the braking power I can get hold of. After all how stylish can you look when you are on the asphalt bleeding?

Tiger, you're not an addict.

Tiger is a billionaire athlete who spends a lot of nights away from his wife while on tour. He decided to spend a few of those nights screwing other women. It may not be nice that he cheats on his wife but I don't believe that means he has a psychological problem and needs to be locked away in a clinic for months. Everything these days gets blamed on psychological problems which are bullshit. Kids don't have ADHD - they are just annoying little shits that need a good firm talking too. People aren't fat because of a compulsive eating disorder - they're just greedy. Tiger's not a sex addict. He just likes to fuck.

Lowest Prices are Just the Beginning

I’ve thought about starting a business next door to Bunnings Warehouse. It would be called Bunnings Whorehouse and it would be staffed by the same unspectacular looking people as on the Bunnings ads. All the workers in my whorehouse would however be very Aussie and quite excited about tools. I’d do special prices for tradies and there would be heaps of parking for utes. There would have a sausage sizzle out the front. You’d leave feeling a little bit dirty and ripped off.

RUN

Yesterday I saw a young man running down King Street in a manner that suggested fairly strongly that he had stolen something. You see, the style of his run wasn’t that of a typical jogger - it was more like Ussain Bolt had suffered a bout of diarrhoea and was frantically looking for a toilet. The other giveaway was that he was holding something rather large under his shirt as he pissbolted past the other pedestrians.

Sadly I was driving at the time and could do little more than cast disapproving glances at him as we travelled down the street in the same direction. I really think it would have been fun to tackle the bastard and leave him lying flat on the footpath. After all, it’s been ages since I played my last game of rugby and I’m sure I’ve got a lot of bottled up aggression I could take out on someone like that. The fairly narrow footpaths would mean it would be hard for him to get in a sidestep and because he was holding something under his shirt he couldn’t fend on his left side. I’ve also bulked up a bit since the playing days so I reckon I could put a pretty good hit on.

I quite like the idea of vigilante justice. If more people were prepared to smash the crap out of thieves perhaps there would be less thieving. The general public would also feel happier because they have had the chance to take their anger out on some low down druggo thief. Our society has just become far too soft when no one on a 300 metre stretch of King Street is prepared to do as much as stick out a foot to trip up a fast moving thief. Where are the heroes?

Quade was just confused

Rugby is a confusing game, with lots of laws to remember. Quade Cooper is not a smart man but he has been trying really, really hard to make sense of all those laws. Obviously the coach has been drumming in to him that you can steal so long as you are on your feet and you enter through the gate. Clearly he's taken this message to heart and applied it to his everyday life with a little spot of late night buglary. I think he should be applauded.

I think it would be good to have a reality show called Celebrity Burglar. Each week a new celebrity bursts in to someone's house and makes off with as much jewellery and appliances as possible before the homeowner goes nuts on them. They could be wearing masks Scooby Doo style, which would be pulled off to reveal Kamahl, Ian Thorpe or some chick from Home and Away. It would just be high tension all the way through.

Domestic Violence is Bad

I've often wished I could drive like Tiger but now he wishes he could drive like me. I've missed plenty of fairways but I've never missed the driveway and run into a fire hydrant. Then again, I've never had an angry wife chasing me with a three iron.

I'm not buying the "I was trying to get him out of the car" excuse. I don't know how they do things in Sweden but if I were her I'd try to just open the undamaged doors before smashing the crap out of the car with a golf club.

Tiger was clearly trying to escape domestic violence. In light of what he'd done I think it would be appropriate for her to slap him and maybe even throw a few plates or expensive vases. Golf club violence is however hard to justify. I got hit in the head with a golf club by my sister when I was six and it left a scar that I still have. Now I imagine that Tiger's wife is a fair bit stronger than my sister was when she was three. She could do some serious damage.

I really hope that when Tiger makes his return he has a cool scar like Harrison Ford. I hope he does some domestic violence ads too.

Spiffing

I wish I was posh so I could use the word spiffing. It only sounds right if you are posh or if you are Richie Benaud - "spiffing shot that!"