Wedding presents

I think the system for giving wedding presents is all screwed up because no one needs a 100 fancy presents all at the same time. Also it sucks if you buy a present and then they get divorced in a year and all the plates that you bought them were smashed in a fight. I propose a different solution.

Instead of getting all the presents on the one day, the couple would get a present on each anniversary. The presents would get better and better as the years went on, so for your first anniversary you may get an ashtray, while for your 30th you might get a pair of his and hers hoverboards (surely the future will have caught up with Back to the Future 2 by then). It would introduce a fun element of gambling in to the whole thing. If you knew that he was a philanderer and she was a mega-bitch you could opt to buy them an entire 72 piece dinner set in 40 years time, knowing they were unlikely to stay together. It would also provide incentives for people to stay together and remain in contact with old friends.

Design

Poor design is annoying and it is particularly annoying when it is centred in a very prominent position, right between your legs. The engineering on the penis is commendable - all that hydraulics and the ability to dispense two liquids through the one tube is pretty awesome. The final design does however have some major flaws. The vinyl car seat factor - Remember those sweaty summer days when you had to peel yourself off the back seat of the kingswood? All too often I'm trying to walk around with that same sensation in my scrotum. This sticky, stretchy bit of skin is stuck to my leg or folded over in some sort of uncomfortable origami swan. Despite how uncomfortable all us menfolk are no doubt feeling, the laws of society just don't permit us to readjust while waling down the street. It's torture. The little deaf kid factor - Once when I was in year 8 this little deaf kid came up to me at the bus stop and kicked me square in the nuts for no reason. It was ridiculously frickin painful. Surely if something is that susceptible it should be hidden away or padded, not left in the way of cricket balls and the flying Doc Martens of psycho deaf kids. The elephant man factor - It's not pretty is it? Who ever thought girls would be turned on by something which if dangly, hairy, slightly lopsided, with a whole lot if veins running through it? It's as though God was playing a cruel practical joke and just didn't want us to have sex. I think it would be awesome if penis 2.0 would come out. A sleek new design with internal balls, caramel tasting ejaculate and WiFi.

Should you be doing that?

Jimmy Barnes was a pretty major alcoholic, apparently drinking two bottles of vodka a day. The last time I saw him he was on Enough Rope talking about how he'd fucked up his health, relationships and life in general. At that stage he had been to rehab, sworn off the grog and was imbibing nothing more toxic than chamomile tea.

For this reason I was more than a little surprised to see Jimmy Barnes starring in an ad for Wild Turkey. Can anyone else see a problem here? He may be beloved of the bogan target market but what genius advertising executive decided the best person to spearhead an alcohol advertising campaign would be an infamous alcoholic?

I don't know if Jimmy is short of a buck or just a complete fucking idiot. If you have a problem with the booze maybe promoting bourbon shouldn't be how you choose to earn a living.

I don't want to be a wise man

In primary school I was selected to be one of the three wise men in the school Christmas pageant. Desperately not wanting to do it I hid all notes about the Christmas pageant from my mum. I was about to get away with it until one December night when my mum decided it was curious that she hadn't heard anything about this momentous annual event. She rifled through my bag, discovered it was on that very night and within minutes I was forced into a kaftan, smacked and pulled kicking and screaming in to the Gemini.

At that stage it wasn't being wise that I really objected to - it was wearing a kaftan. Did all the blokes back in Jesus' time really get around in tie-dyed dresses? If they were such wise men wouldn't they have thought of wearing pants or something a little less gay?

Unfortunately the pressure to be a wise man never really lets up. The older you get the more people expect you to be sensible. Is it really wise to shove twisties up your nostrils and flap around on the couch pretending you are a walrus? Possibly not, but it is way more amusing than sitting still and watching ads for hand sanitiser. Being sensible doesn't make for an awesome life. It's all the stuff which is regarded as risky, ill-advised or a gigantic waste of money that generally makes life worth living.

If you do what is considered wise all the time, you will probably die boring and rich with funeral insurance. Be stupid and you might have some cool stories to tell.

Work hours

Fortunately I no longer have a boss and can pretty much work the hours I want but most people I know work about 9 hours a day and that's just stupid. I think everyone should work school hours. 9.15 - 3.15 is plenty of time to get shit done. Of course there would have to be play lunch and big lunch and sports day on Wednesday. It would also be good if could just swap jobs every 40 minutes.

Gay stickers

If you've sat behind an oversized SUV or family station wagon chances are you've seen those little white stick figure stickers showing the composition of the family. There is usually a mum and a dad, a boy, a girl, a baby, a dog, a cat etc. Sometimes they have a surfboard or a bike or something too. Seeing those stickers just makes me want to accelerate really hard and smash the back of the car so they will have to replace it with one that doesn't have stickers on it.

I think this shitty trend needs to be subverted in the name of gay pride. I would like to produce a sticker with one guy bending over another guy. Maybe one of them could be dressed up in a gimp suit or something.

Dieting

Many people spend their lives always telling themselves they are about to go on a diet. I believe these people are bound to get fatter.

My theory is that the body is pretty smart and if it knows that it is about to suffer a period of low calorie intake it stores away energy in the form of fat. If however the body knows that it has a steady supply of ice cream and donuts heading its way it will just convert all that unneeded stuff in to poo.

If you want a diet to be effective make it a snap decision - or just don't diet at all. You'll probably be happier and thinner.