It's not an investment bank

It was 34 degrees the other day and driving past the Crystal car wash I spotted the most ridiculous thing I'd ever seen. All the dudes scrubbing the cars were wearing long sleeve shirts and ties. I don't know what genius decided business attire was required for sudsing up a car but to me that just seems cruel. It makes me not want to go there for a number of reasons.
1. I try not to support businesses where the bosses are cruel arseholes.
2. If they have no idea about dressing appropriately do they have any idea about how to wash a car?
3. If you have a tie on it is going to flop down and get all wet when you wash the top of the car. I doubt whether they will clean my roof thoroughly.
4. They probably don't want to get dirt on their long sleeve shirts. They are not going to attack the really filthy awkward bits.
5. It sends a pretty scary price signal. They are probably way more expensive than the t-shirt place.
6. It makes it really awkward when the cleaner is better dressed than I am.

Throw away society

I just bought an all-in-one scanner/copier/printer. I already had one but it was out of ink. The weird thing was that it was actually cheaper to buy a new printer than to buy new ink - so now I have an awesome new $49.99 wireless printer on my desk and a perfectly functioning old printer sitting on the footpath waiting for someone to pick it up. It's stupid. I had to save forever to buy a walkman and it was with me until music didn't come on tapes anymore. There was love. Now technology is so cheap you just use it and throw it away. It makes feel dirty.

Overtime

Despite our reputation as being laid back, Australian workers slave away for some of the longest hours in the world. Most of these hours don't go adequately rewarded.

I believe that as well as paying their employees overtime, employers should also be made to pay the partners of their employees who are being robbed of quality time. Even if the person is single their tennis partner, drinking buddy or scrabble opponent should be compensated.

Understandably, doing overtime can also lead to a shitty mood. As such an additional shitty mood loading should be paid to the partner. I don't know what the price of happiness is but I'd like to be part of the committee who work it out.

Of course after doing so much overtime the employee will feel less inclined to do housework once they arrive home. It would seem sensible that the employer hire a cleaner to make sure the home is spotless on their return.

The stress of overtime also effects the health of the employee. As such the employer should pay for a gym membership, fruit baskets and a foot massage or something.

Google made 1/2 my education irrelevant

Considering how much of my life was devoted to education it is pretty disappointing how much of that time was wasted. All those thousands of facts I rote learnt didn't really need to be learnt. Now if I really need to know the capital of Brunei Google will tell me it is Banda Seri Begawan - it will even have the right spelling.

Whole subjects were wasted. What was the point of all that high level maths? I didn't need to know how to work out quadratic equations - the only maths I ever use is to add up my golf score. We all knew Latin was a waste but it is pretty disappointing that everything else was too.

I use English. Business studies was probably useful and art was fun but the rest of it was really a giant waste of my childhood. They should have had subjects like how to do mad jumps on your bike without falling off, how to talk to chicks without being awkward, how to dance in a way which isn't embarrassing etc. It would have been way more useful.

Firsts

Being born in the late 70's pretty much meant that everything cool had already be done. When Jimmy Hendrix was playing guitar with his teeth and lighting it on fire, it was innovative and new. When Evil Knievel was jumping is Harley over a whole lot of buses he was the acest dude alive. But then the whole extreme movement came along and made everything you do seem totally pissweak. Now you have to jump over a ridiculous number of buses before people will care and even then they probably won't because you don't have a name with as much cache as Evil Knievel. Also some other dude is probably doing it with two backflips thrown in.

When everyone was conservative you could be rebellious and shocking. Now you would have to film a celebrity sex tape while going over Niagara Falls in a flaming barrel for people to take notice.

Also all the cool shit that we thought we would have by now just hasn't come about. When they were playing golf on the moon people were thinking they would probably have an 18 hole course up there by now. When I watched Back to the Future 2 I thought I was going to own a hoverboard. It's ridiculously disappointing.

Wedding presents

I think the system for giving wedding presents is all screwed up because no one needs a 100 fancy presents all at the same time. Also it sucks if you buy a present and then they get divorced in a year and all the plates that you bought them were smashed in a fight. I propose a different solution.

Instead of getting all the presents on the one day, the couple would get a present on each anniversary. The presents would get better and better as the years went on, so for your first anniversary you may get an ashtray, while for your 30th you might get a pair of his and hers hoverboards (surely the future will have caught up with Back to the Future 2 by then). It would introduce a fun element of gambling in to the whole thing. If you knew that he was a philanderer and she was a mega-bitch you could opt to buy them an entire 72 piece dinner set in 40 years time, knowing they were unlikely to stay together. It would also provide incentives for people to stay together and remain in contact with old friends.

Design

Poor design is annoying and it is particularly annoying when it is centred in a very prominent position, right between your legs. The engineering on the penis is commendable - all that hydraulics and the ability to dispense two liquids through the one tube is pretty awesome. The final design does however have some major flaws. The vinyl car seat factor - Remember those sweaty summer days when you had to peel yourself off the back seat of the kingswood? All too often I'm trying to walk around with that same sensation in my scrotum. This sticky, stretchy bit of skin is stuck to my leg or folded over in some sort of uncomfortable origami swan. Despite how uncomfortable all us menfolk are no doubt feeling, the laws of society just don't permit us to readjust while waling down the street. It's torture. The little deaf kid factor - Once when I was in year 8 this little deaf kid came up to me at the bus stop and kicked me square in the nuts for no reason. It was ridiculously frickin painful. Surely if something is that susceptible it should be hidden away or padded, not left in the way of cricket balls and the flying Doc Martens of psycho deaf kids. The elephant man factor - It's not pretty is it? Who ever thought girls would be turned on by something which if dangly, hairy, slightly lopsided, with a whole lot if veins running through it? It's as though God was playing a cruel practical joke and just didn't want us to have sex. I think it would be awesome if penis 2.0 would come out. A sleek new design with internal balls, caramel tasting ejaculate and WiFi.