little boy pissing

I like those fountains that involve some little cherub like boy pissing. They seem quite joyous.

I was thinking it might be even better to have an ejaculating statue - after all, that's even more joyous. Surely that would go well at Sculpture by the Sea. I also think it could be a good tourist attraction for a town that doesn't yet have a big merino/banana/pineapple. People would love it. They would take all these photos in perspective like the ones where they are pretending to hold up the leaning tower of Pisa - except they would be a whole lot smuttier.

I also think it would be a fantastic idea for hens' nights. Just imagined if it spurted globules of salty tequila margarita. People would start by trying to catch it in cups but it wouldn't end up that way.

My invisible friend

People get very excited about defending the honour of their invisible friends. Often their anger spills over in to  real riots, killing of ambassadors etc. I think all fights about invisible friends should be mime fights. Protesters could  mime shouting slogans, throw mime rocks and turn over mime cars. The police could play their part too - falling over when they have been hit by a mime rock, spraying mime tear gas... even riding mime horses! 

After displaying their anger they could then walk away happy... or they could gallop away on a mime horse.

Pretending to work

A lot of people I know who work in offices spend a lot of time pretending to work. That's stupid. I'd guess about 25% of total working hours are wasted in this pathetic pantomime. Across Australia that's billions of hours every year.

There should be some national project that people should be able to work on when they are idle instead of just pretending to work. We could knit the world's biggest rug or something - I don't know what the project is but with a billion hours it could be pretty amazing. A Taj Mahal made out of popsicle sticks perhaps?

Phones

Phones used to be sturdy. When you had a screaming match on the phone you could end the conversation by violently slamming down the handset on the receiver. It created a good definite sound to whoever was on the other end.

Portable phones took that away but at least you could still press the button. Smart phones have fucked things completely. You remove the thing from your ear, wait for the end call button to appear and then you tap this smooth surface - it is so unsatisfying. You can't even start swearing immediately.

They should invent bouncing phones. When you want to hang up you just throw it at the wall, slam it down on your desk or bang it on your head.

The greatest television ever made

Seeing Rags the kangaroo attack Marty the monster was one of the true highlights of my childhood. Rile up a massive red kangaroo and let it go nuts on some dude in a stupid costume in front of a live audience of bewildered children - genius. Comical, violent and unpredictable. Everyone should watch this video when they need to cheer up.

Chinese Michael Bolton

Hearing Michael Bolton is always slightly grating. The Chinese version just takes it to another level though. I don't quite understand why the Chinese are so enamoured with cheesy love songs - I'm sure it has something to do with karaoke though. I wonder what the Chinese Michael Bolton looks like? I hope he has a mullet.

Human Origami

Puppetry of the penis was a big success but I don't really know it is fully utilising the whole human body. I would like to see a troupe of contortionists create human origami. They could fold themselves into all sorts of  interesting animal shapes and perform in  festivals in South Australia which we know from the number plates is the festival  state. I'm disappointed NSW no longer has a number plate slogan. It used to be "the premier state" which was a nice fuck you to the rest of Australia. From memory Victoria changed theirs from "the garden state" to "the place to be" in a move which smacked of desperation. I would like states to have less boastful slogans. Maybe "VIC - It could be worse" or "WA - quite large and sandy".