Last night a mosquito bit me on the dick. It's never happened to me before. I always assumed there was some unwritten agreement that they just didn't do that. I felt outraged, violated and quite itchy.
Today I researched ways of preventing being bitten by slutty vampire mosquitoes and they also seemed a bit crap. I think the best solution would be to inject feral animals with something that made them irresistible to mosquitoes. A feral cat/dog/pig/goat/camel would taste so super-duper amazing that mosquitoes would never ever want to go near a human again. We would taste like carob to their chocolate. Then I could sleep soundly again.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Bourgeois Ranting
Often when I get my shopper docket I will look down and see the 2 for 1 wine special tacked on the end of it. I get excited and then I realise its for sauvignon blanc and I'm not really a fan of sauvignon blanc. Why don't they ever have a reisling I angrily wonder? Then I realise what a hoity-toity wanker I've become. Then I argue to myself that I can't have become complete bourgeois scum because I'm still looking for wine specials on shopper dockets.
Cheap wine and a three day growth - nothing screams bogan like the lyrics of a Cold Chisel song. So maybe I'm a selective bogan or maybe I'm just a yuppie wanker with a lack of resources.
Cheap wine and a three day growth - nothing screams bogan like the lyrics of a Cold Chisel song. So maybe I'm a selective bogan or maybe I'm just a yuppie wanker with a lack of resources.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Apartment Living
Back in the day when people lived on quarter acre blocks, Australian men had neatly trimmed lawns and hairy bodies. I believe the rise of apartment living has led to the rise of manscaping. Men have an innate urge to trim and without a lawn they have been forced to look to their own bodies.
The more densely populated the area, the more manscaping you will find. Coincidence? I think not.
The more densely populated the area, the more manscaping you will find. Coincidence? I think not.
PowerPoint Cricket
Cricket has become stupid.
Apparently Shane Watson, James Pattinson, Mitchell Johnson and Usman Khawaja were all stood down because they failed to deliver a presentation about how they could improve their performance. In other words, they got shafted because the coach and managers are all dickwads.
If I was in the Australian cricket team and had to prepare a presentation, it would say "hello coaches - the problem is you. You are making me work on PowerPoint instead of my cover drive. You should be fired."
The main reasons we can't win in India is that our spin bowlers suck and our batsmen aren't used to batting on dust bowls. Having some South African wanker forcing players to find other deficiencies can't help though. Just get rid of the coach all together. Clearly he's not helping the team performance or morale.
The coach should be replaced with a little retarded kid who just claps a lot no matter whether the batsmen get a duck or a century. Maybe then we would win the Ashes.
Apparently Shane Watson, James Pattinson, Mitchell Johnson and Usman Khawaja were all stood down because they failed to deliver a presentation about how they could improve their performance. In other words, they got shafted because the coach and managers are all dickwads.
If I was in the Australian cricket team and had to prepare a presentation, it would say "hello coaches - the problem is you. You are making me work on PowerPoint instead of my cover drive. You should be fired."
The main reasons we can't win in India is that our spin bowlers suck and our batsmen aren't used to batting on dust bowls. Having some South African wanker forcing players to find other deficiencies can't help though. Just get rid of the coach all together. Clearly he's not helping the team performance or morale.
The coach should be replaced with a little retarded kid who just claps a lot no matter whether the batsmen get a duck or a century. Maybe then we would win the Ashes.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
The shame shake
When I'm on my bike it seems a lot of drivers feel it completely acceptable to completely cut me off when pulling out of driveways, entering a roundabout or changing lanes. Unfortunately I don't have a massive horn on my bike and can not give them the blast they deserve. Instead I have really worked upon my shake of shame. It is a head shake that portrays utter bewilderment and disappointment. It says "that was a ridiculous thing to do. You must realise that was a ridiculous thing to do. Everyone who witnessed this incident realises you are a crap and thoughtless driver who displays a great lack of courtesy and care to vulnerable cyclists. You must be ashamed. I'm ashamed for you. I pity what a crap driver you are." Body language can convey a lot...
Of course when there is a really close call the shame shake is not enough. Then I use the angry Italian. This basically just involves me waving my arms about in a theatrical manner and shouting a lot.
Of course when there is a really close call the shame shake is not enough. Then I use the angry Italian. This basically just involves me waving my arms about in a theatrical manner and shouting a lot.
Muppets
I don't like how the word 'muppet' gets thrown about in a derogatory fashion. I think it was the English who first started labelling anyone incompetent a muppet but sadly it seems to have caught on globally.
Sure the Muppet Show was not a seamless production, but each week the muppets managed to get it together, overcoming problems and delighting us along the way. The only ones non-pleased with the results of their efforts were the critics Statler and Waldorf.
Sure, the mechanics at my bike shop are incompetent but when I go in there I don't see Elton John in a pink sparkly jumpsuit doing a duet with the guy who is fucking up my brakes. I don't see Johnny Cash or John Cleese or Julie Andrews. I don't see any bears in hats or pigs in feather boas. It just doesn't deserve comparison to the muppets.
I wish there was a muppet bike shop. It would be way more fun and also probably way better. When Kermit road his bike I never noticed him having ongoing issues with his brakes rubbing.
On closer inspection it appears Kermit did not have any brakes. That frog is hardcore.
Sure the Muppet Show was not a seamless production, but each week the muppets managed to get it together, overcoming problems and delighting us along the way. The only ones non-pleased with the results of their efforts were the critics Statler and Waldorf.
Sure, the mechanics at my bike shop are incompetent but when I go in there I don't see Elton John in a pink sparkly jumpsuit doing a duet with the guy who is fucking up my brakes. I don't see Johnny Cash or John Cleese or Julie Andrews. I don't see any bears in hats or pigs in feather boas. It just doesn't deserve comparison to the muppets.
I wish there was a muppet bike shop. It would be way more fun and also probably way better. When Kermit road his bike I never noticed him having ongoing issues with his brakes rubbing.
On closer inspection it appears Kermit did not have any brakes. That frog is hardcore.
Monday, February 11, 2013
VMO
I don't know if there are any ladies reading this who have bisexual partners but if you are let me suggest something wonderful for Valentines Day. Why not fashion your pubic hair into the shape of a moustache? Not only is it whimsical, it will also help your partner to enjoy you in a whole lot of different ways. You could possibly take it further and apply some googly eyes to your belly and draw on a top hat as well. 
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