Price justifications

How come watching porn is free yet watching rugby is expensive?

I spent a long time researching how to watch Super XV rugby over the internet so I didn't have to fork out for Foxtel. I finally figured out how to dodgily change my IP address to somewhere in Russia and get it all happening. Sadly the connection was pathetically slow which means means my money saving scheme is down the toilet. Yes, I could just go up the Oaks to watch it for free but at $7 a beer the savings will disappear quite rapidly.

I might have to just stump up for Foxtel. There's no way I'm resorting to rugby league.

venue squatting

It appears gay marriage is going to happen soon and once it does happen finding a wedding venue that isn't booked out is going to be ridiculously hard. As it is people have to book the most popular venues more than a year in advance. So if all of a sudden  thousands of gay couples who haven't been able to get married decide to get married, there will be a period of intensely crazy competition. In this I see an opportunity.

I could book out at all the slots at the most popular wedding venues and auction them off to the highest bidder. Instead of $100 a head, people will be paying $250 a head and I will be pocketing $150 of it.  Genius.

Ghost sluts

I know the NBN holds infinite possibilities but if history has taught us anything it is that porn will be the driving force of innovation on the internet. That being the case, it is quite likely that the NBN will usher in a whole lot of holographic porn. Yes, Australia will be a nation of sad guys sitting in their living rooms ogling dancing ghost sluts.

I like the idea of having mega fast internet but $30 billion or whatever it is does sound a bit pricey. Where the hell are they buying this cable from? David Jones? What annoys me most though is that after we fork out for it and wait ten years for someone to get round to stringing it up, we still have to pay to use it. Just imagine if you spent $2,000 on a bike and the guy at the bike shop said "Okay, I should have that around to your house by 2023 and when you get it you will have to spend $80 a month to ride it."

Why can't we get people stringing this stuff up sooner? I may have floated this idea before but why not get refugees to do it? Apparently it costs $1830 per day to keep someone in detention on Christmas Island (another example of the government getting crap value for money). Rather than lock them up why not train them up and get them plugging this thing in? I'm sure they would be willing to do it for a wage far less than $1830 a day.

I think this would also dramatically change the general thinking about refugees. Instead of greeting each new boat arrival with arrival with alarm, Australians would greet them with glee, safe in the knowledge that they will soon be celebrating their NBN installation with a living room full of ghost sluts.

The cob dip

How is it that you can go to a party and still find dip in the middle of a hollowed out cob loaf? While I'm sure it was a revelation when it appeared in some 1970's Australian Women's Weekly, surely the novelty of dipping bread innards into a gloopy cheese/spinach concoction has worn off. Pineapple upside down cake had just as much novelty value but you hardly ever see that these days. Learn to make some new dips people. Failing that at least have the good grace to also provide some prawn cocktails with thousand island sauce and follow it all up with a pineapple upside down cake or some deep fried ice cream.

That's not cricket

Last night a mosquito bit me on the dick. It's never happened to me before. I always assumed there was some unwritten agreement that they just didn't do that. I felt outraged, violated and quite itchy.

Today I researched ways of preventing being bitten by slutty vampire mosquitoes and they also seemed a bit crap. I think the best solution would be to inject feral animals with something that made them irresistible to mosquitoes. A feral cat/dog/pig/goat/camel would taste so super-duper amazing that mosquitoes would never ever want to go near a human again. We would taste like carob to their chocolate. Then I could sleep soundly again.

Bourgeois Ranting

Often when I get my shopper docket I will look down and see the 2 for 1 wine special tacked on the end of it. I get excited and then I realise its for sauvignon blanc and I'm not really a fan of sauvignon blanc. Why don't they ever have a reisling I angrily wonder? Then I realise what a hoity-toity wanker I've become. Then I argue to myself that I can't have become complete bourgeois scum because I'm still looking for wine specials on shopper dockets.

Cheap wine and a three day growth - nothing screams bogan like the lyrics of a Cold Chisel song. So maybe I'm a selective bogan or maybe I'm just a yuppie wanker with a lack of resources.

Apartment Living

Back in the day when people lived on quarter acre blocks, Australian men had neatly trimmed lawns and hairy bodies. I believe the rise of apartment living has led to the rise of manscaping. Men have an innate urge to trim and without a lawn they have been forced to look to their own bodies.

The more densely populated the area, the more manscaping you will find. Coincidence? I think not.