Why did an egg choose to sit on a wall? Surely eggs should sit in egg cups or in egg trays or nests where they have adequate measures to prevent them from rolling. Humpty's decision is ridiculous and caused an unnecessary waste of taxpayer funds. His decision was almost as dumb as the decision to use all the king's horses and all the king' men to try and reconstruct Humpty.
As a kid this nursery rhyme seemed utterly stupid but now I realise it makes perfect sense. I think it was a comment of the propensity of people to do all sorts of stupid irrational things and the propensity of government to do even dumber things.
Our government is basically a bunch of big Clydesdales with superglue, eggshells and bits of yolk stuck to their hooves. If we used all the horses and men more smartly we might get somewhere.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Bunnings
in 1975 advertising executive Gary Dahl came up with the idea of the pet rock. He took a bunch of rocks from a building supply store costing 1 penny each, packaged them up and sold them for a huge profit. He was soon a millionaire.
40 years on Bunnings seems to think they can sell an ordinary rock for $5 without even bothering with the packaging or clever re-purposing.
40 years on Bunnings seems to think they can sell an ordinary rock for $5 without even bothering with the packaging or clever re-purposing.
Seeing a $5 rock for sale I really wished Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction was at Bunnings to do a tweaked version of the whole $5 shake conversation.
I also wished that this was one of the things they put on their ads with the happy jingle in the background. The ad could go something like this: Ordinary fucking rock $4.96.... Bag of horse shit $12.38..... Half dead pot of basil $7.99.... Bunnings Warehouse - we're lowest prices are just an illusion, because we know there are idiots out there who will cough up $5 for an ordinary fucking rock.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
blue and white dry cleaners
I don't do much dry cleaning. I prefer wearing singlets and shorts and occasionally some less than flattering lycra. That's why I was gobsmacked by the price when I dropped off my wife's jacket to the local dry cleaner. I was in fact so gobsmacked that I used the word "gobsmacked", which I haven't used in a very, very long time.
Looking around the front of the place I couldn't see any signage telling me their pricing structure. This was not a good sign. In my experience places which avoid telling you their prices are going to charge you a stupidly large amount and leave you feeling quite violated.
My other clue that told me this place was going to be frightfully expensive was that the people behind the counter were not Asian. Asian stores are always the best. From fixing your computer, to cooking really tasty food or cleaning your clothes, Asians generally do it way better and for half the price. The last time I went to a dry cleaner it was an Asian one and he charged $6 or something which seemed pretty reasonable for exposing himself to all those mysterious, strange smelling dry cleaning chemicals. Even the Asian dry cleaner in fancy-pants Mosman advertises three items for $18.
So how much did it cost for one little jacket at blue and white dry cleaners?
$19.50
When I got the ticket it seemed more like a ransom note. I'm surprised it wasn't written with little letters cut out from a magazine. If I don't pay up immediately suspect I might get another note with a severed button.
Looking around the front of the place I couldn't see any signage telling me their pricing structure. This was not a good sign. In my experience places which avoid telling you their prices are going to charge you a stupidly large amount and leave you feeling quite violated.
My other clue that told me this place was going to be frightfully expensive was that the people behind the counter were not Asian. Asian stores are always the best. From fixing your computer, to cooking really tasty food or cleaning your clothes, Asians generally do it way better and for half the price. The last time I went to a dry cleaner it was an Asian one and he charged $6 or something which seemed pretty reasonable for exposing himself to all those mysterious, strange smelling dry cleaning chemicals. Even the Asian dry cleaner in fancy-pants Mosman advertises three items for $18.
So how much did it cost for one little jacket at blue and white dry cleaners?
$19.50
When I got the ticket it seemed more like a ransom note. I'm surprised it wasn't written with little letters cut out from a magazine. If I don't pay up immediately suspect I might get another note with a severed button.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Cockroaches have a branding problem
Cockroaches and ladybugs are pretty similar. They both crawl sometimes and fly sometimes. They are both buggy looking and share much of the same DNA. But when a ladybug lands on someone they are generally really happy and make affectionate cooing noises. When a roach crawls up their leg they start screaming and try to whack the thing.
The first thing cockroaches should do is change their name. Ladybug and Christmas Beetle both sound nice, so I would go for something like Fortune Beetle or Wonderbug.
They also need to change their colours because brown just isn't working for them. I think glitterball would be pretty cool. Maybe they could have a big smiley face on their shells or perhaps they could just mirror the colours of the footy team in their local area. You would be far less likely to squish a Fortune Beetle who goes for the same team as you.
The first thing cockroaches should do is change their name. Ladybug and Christmas Beetle both sound nice, so I would go for something like Fortune Beetle or Wonderbug.
They also need to change their colours because brown just isn't working for them. I think glitterball would be pretty cool. Maybe they could have a big smiley face on their shells or perhaps they could just mirror the colours of the footy team in their local area. You would be far less likely to squish a Fortune Beetle who goes for the same team as you.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
The Christmas Spirit
Australia has officially turned into Scrooge or possibly Mr Burns.
The decision to cut another $4 billion from the foreign aid budget on the eve of Christmas seems a little mean given they have already cut $7.6 billion from foreign aid and siphoned off more to pay for detention centres and contributions to the climate change fund.
For a prime minister who is supposed to be all Jesusy this seems completing lacking in Christmas spirit. Has he even listened to Geldof's song? Does he know it's Christmas time at all?
When Tony says grace at Christmas lunch what will on earth could come out? " Dear father, thank you for letting me buy lots of fancy fighter jets and submarines while all these yucky poor un-Australian people are dying of starvation and ebola. Those fighter jets are way cool. I really want to boof Maverick from Top Gear - but it's okay, I won't marry him. That would be wrong. Amen"
The decision to cut another $4 billion from the foreign aid budget on the eve of Christmas seems a little mean given they have already cut $7.6 billion from foreign aid and siphoned off more to pay for detention centres and contributions to the climate change fund.
For a prime minister who is supposed to be all Jesusy this seems completing lacking in Christmas spirit. Has he even listened to Geldof's song? Does he know it's Christmas time at all?
When Tony says grace at Christmas lunch what will on earth could come out? " Dear father, thank you for letting me buy lots of fancy fighter jets and submarines while all these yucky poor un-Australian people are dying of starvation and ebola. Those fighter jets are way cool. I really want to boof Maverick from Top Gear - but it's okay, I won't marry him. That would be wrong. Amen"
Sunday, December 7, 2014
How to stop politicians from talking crap
Most politicians have been trained to completely avoid answering questions and then waffle on about their own bullshit. I've got a smart way of rectifying that.
Whenever a politician gets interviewed they should be hooked up to a chair with some electrodes. Home viewers would be able to use a phone app to zap them when the answers they provide are crap.
I imagine ordinary Australians would start having an interest in politics. Ratings figures for the 7.30 Report would sky rocket. All the lefties who hate Tony Abbott but also hate violence would be left with an awful moral conundrum - but I'm sure most of them would zap the fucker anyway.
Whenever a politician gets interviewed they should be hooked up to a chair with some electrodes. Home viewers would be able to use a phone app to zap them when the answers they provide are crap.
I imagine ordinary Australians would start having an interest in politics. Ratings figures for the 7.30 Report would sky rocket. All the lefties who hate Tony Abbott but also hate violence would be left with an awful moral conundrum - but I'm sure most of them would zap the fucker anyway.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Cuts
I've always despised the Abbott government but now I have reason to dislike them even more. Because they have gutted the ABC I will no longer be able to watch Randwick games on the tele. That sucks big hairy dogs balls.
My beloved footy will no doubt be replaced by twenty year old re-runs of Midsomer Murders. In fact it will probably be replaced by the Bolt Report if the Libs get their way.
The most annoying thing is that the little money they save will no doubt be pissed away on something stupid like another tunnel that I have to pay another toll on or a school chaplaincy program to indoctrinate impressionable children who signed up for a secular education or diesel subsidies for Gina's oversized Tonka trucks or paying rich people ludicrous amounts to have babies or tax breaks to help the property bubble keep growing so I can never afford a home.
Fuck you Tony. Fuck you.
My beloved footy will no doubt be replaced by twenty year old re-runs of Midsomer Murders. In fact it will probably be replaced by the Bolt Report if the Libs get their way.
The most annoying thing is that the little money they save will no doubt be pissed away on something stupid like another tunnel that I have to pay another toll on or a school chaplaincy program to indoctrinate impressionable children who signed up for a secular education or diesel subsidies for Gina's oversized Tonka trucks or paying rich people ludicrous amounts to have babies or tax breaks to help the property bubble keep growing so I can never afford a home.
Fuck you Tony. Fuck you.
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