product placement

It may be unladylike; it may be loud and obnoxious, but that’s not what bothers me about all the shrieking in women’s tennis. To me it just seems like a major missed opportunity. Just imagine if instead of shrieking "Ahh-OOO" at 100 decibels players were paid to shriek "LEXUS" or "Nike" or if they are really talented "I can't believe it's not butter". That exposure would be worth an incredible amount more than a thirty second TVC at the change of ends. They are sitting on an absolute goldmine.

It would make sense for sponsors to take on both players in a match so you may have one yelling "Campbell's" and one yelling "Soup". Over a three course match you could hear Campbell's Soup mentioned over 500 times. That's more product placement than The Block and Masterchef put together! Who could resist such advertising power? By the end of the game I know my only decision would be whether to opt for tomato or chicken and noodle.

Potentially the players could also be given a slogan to exclaim in turn, word by word, shot by shot. Not only would this benefit the sponsors, it would also benefit the game immensely. With sponsors willing to pay far more each time their slogan is announced in full, we would no doubt see much longer rallies. Instead of wildly slashing a low percentage return down the line, players would have a major incentive to stick in there for the four or five shots required taken to announce the slogan.

Sponsored shrieking could also do wonders for sports betting. Instead of having the commentators awkwardly insert the current odds into their commentary, you could have the players grunting them out as they played. At the start of a match Serena Williams could be yelling “one dollar ten" while her unseeded opponent could be wailing “six dollars”. After unexpectedly going down a set and two breaks you might then be treated to the sight of Serena smashing her racquet while cursing "four frickin’ dollars". With that level of involvement I know where my rent money would be going.