Dear Sebel Kiama,
I recently spent a night in your establishment. At around
$300 for the room I was looking forward to a little luxury. Unfortunately I was
disappointed on a number of fronts.
1. Single ply
My nether regions have become accustomed to a certain level
of comfort and the harsh scratchy feel of singly ply toilet paper was a true
shock to my system. Let me ask you this. If you were to invite guests around to
your home would you bring out single ply toilet paper? Of course not. Why? Because
they would all think you were a cheap arsehole with no concern for their
arseholes.
2. Ceiling tiles
Ceiling tiles are usually only found in depressing places. Cheap
offices, public hospitals and the RTA all offer this particularly uninspiring
design feature. Walking down a hallway with ceiling tiles makes me recall
feelings of visiting an elderly relative who has recently had a body part
surgically removed. It doesn’t really scream sophistication and luxury.
3. Hideous artwork
Clearly your artwork was chosen by a vision-impaired
accountant. How else could this monstrosity end up on the wall? Civilisation
has been making beautiful artworks for millennia and from all the available
options you somehow selected a big angry red blob. Notably the
artwork was unsigned because the “artist” was no doubt ashamed of their
crapness.
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