Unconventional weapons

I blame pop culture for America's gun problem. Countless movies, TV shows and music videos have made guns look cool - just the way they made cigarettes look cool. Who could watch Dirty Harry and not want a 44 magnum?

Despite guns being heavy and uncomfortable to carry they are regarded by many Americans as a fashion accessory they wouldn't leave home without. As Americans don't seem willing to change their gun laws, I believe we should encourage them towards more unconventional weapons.

Surely the ultimate gangsta accessory would have to be a bowler hat similar to that worn by the James Bond villain in Goldfinger. It would look classy, be far more comfortable than packing heat and also be a really cool weapon. Knocking people over with your bowler hat is completely bad-ass!

I think I might start marketing them online. I will have purple hat weapons with feathers in them for pimps and a Stetson version for people who live in Texas. I might also do ones for the police - although that could be dangerous when they graduate from police academy and all throw their hats in the air. 

Is your fridge running?

I guess you'd better go catch it then... Hilarious but what happened to the good old prank call?

Firstly it was severely damaged by telemarketers. After being bombarded by Indians trying to flog them all manner of crap most sensible people decided to stop interrupting the enjoyment of their lamb roast to pick up the phone. Outside of dinner hours you could generally get through but if you wanted to pretend you were from the electricity company you did have to put on an Indian accent and call people Mr David.

The next thing that ruined it was caller ID. No longer could you scare people by calling your mates and pretending you were a detective from the local cop shop. "Fuck off Jamie, I know it's you".  Wow, it is was disappointing when  it wasn't just my paper-thin impersonation than gave it away.

Mobile phones were pretty much the death of the prank call. Now no one I know under the age of 50 even has a land line. After all who is going to pay Telstra $35 a month to receive telemarketing and prank calls?

I know a nurse suicided after a prank call and now all sorts of wowsers want prank calls banned but I think we should bring back the prank call. Call up one of your elderly relatives today. Suck them in, share a laugh and then let them crap on about their various medical ailments for ten minutes. It is a great way of spreading some love.

Mock meat

It's good to embrace new experiences. If we didn't our lives would be incredibly dull and predictable and we wouldn't learn anything. With this spirit in mind I yesterday went to Vina the vegan Vietnamese. With all that alliteration it had at least something going for it.

I ordered a bowl of noodles and it came with mock meat which did cause some apprehension on my part. What was it like? Confusing I must say. Perhaps like a lesbian being fucked for the first time with a strap-on dildo. A sausage but not a sausage. A chicken but not a chicken. Something strange and false entering my body, causing enjoyment but raising many questions.

What I don't really get is if people aren't in to meat, why do they make food which looks and tastes like meat? Why not just celebrate the glory that is a turnip? I'd go somewhere known for doing amazing things with cauliflower or carrots, but why try to fool me with your Frankenstein bean curd creations? It's just weird.