Monday, May 27, 2013

Dear Woolworths

Dear Woolworths,

Today I decided against buying a bag of rocket. Looking at your miserly 60 gram bag I pondered “how could something so tiny be such a giant rip-off?” How on earth can you justify selling something as simple as rocket for over $33 a kilo?

Perhaps you are unaware but it is not called rocket because it was developed by NASA. It is called rocket because it springs out of the ground so fast. It takes basically no effort to grow.

How is it that I can buy top of the range ham for less than the cost of the rabbit food it shares my sandwich with? Cute little Babe has to be fed and looked after so he grows up to eating size. Then he has to be killed, cut up, smoked and sliced by someone at the deli counter. If all that can be done for $25 a kilo, surely something is amiss in the pricing of rocket.

I also wonder why is it that whenever I go into your store there is a half price special on chocolate yet there is never a half price special on rocket? Is this some conspiracy against healthy eating? The only reductions you ever tend to give on rocket are when the stuff has wilted away in the bag for three days and it looks sad, pathetic and pretty much inedible.

I believe it is a scam and I am henceforth boycotting rocket from your store. If I had a twitter account I would urge my followers to do likewise. 

Monday, May 20, 2013

It's not the 80's

When I grew up I had no idea that homosexuality existed. How would I? Elton John was marrying some lass in Sydney and George Michael was dancing around with a whole lot of chicks singing "I want your sex". Sure, the Village People existed, but to me they were just some characters who liked to dress up and sing catchy, wholesome songs about staying at the Young Men's Christian Association. There were certainly no gay characters on the Cosby Show, Family Ties, Different Strokes or any of the other crap American 80's shows I watched.

We did use the word "gay" a hell of a lot but never did I realise it meant homosexual. If we liked something it was cool, ace, tops, rad or wicked, but if we didn't like it the only adjective we ever used was "gay". Thus playing catch and kiss with the girls would be considered gay, while playing bullrush was considered ace.

When I went to high school there were no gay kids. I'm sure there were, but sensibly they stayed well within the closet because had they come out they would have had the living snot beaten out of them on a daily basis.

The first time I ever saw anything gay was one day when I was about 13 and I was going in to HMV in the city. There were two dudes on the elevator in front of me holding hands. It was so weird and alien to me that I actually remember it to this day.

I also remember my dad when he was about 50 telling me he'd never met anyone who was gay. I am sure he had appalling gaydar but for people who lived in the suburbs in that generation it really wasn't something you came across that much.

Considering my upbringing and the upbringing of generations before me, I am actually pretty amazed that society has managed to change so much in the past 30 years and I think gay marriage is probably important for a reason other than equality.

Any kid who goes to their gay uncle or gay auntie's wedding is going to see a whole lot of people happily celebrating a normal relationship. I think that is really powerful. It means when they find themselves attracted to people of the same sex in a few year's time  they won't have to battle the same levels of mental anguish that other generations have. Hopefully kids won't get bashed up in schools, disowned by their parents or forced to suicide because of something they have no control over.

It's not the 80's. Surely it's about time we legalised gay marriage.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

If I got to punch one person I'd choose Gina Rinehart

I know violence doesn't solve anything and it's bad to hit women, but I think I'd make an exception for Gina Rinehart. Seriously, I'd whack her with a stick like an oversized pinata until her stony little heart fell out.

When multi-billionaires go on the news to complain about paying too much tax it does piss me off. In her rant  today she said that Australia "shouldn't treat mining like an ATM". I think that is exactly how we should treat it.

You see, Australia has all these resources in the ground, which is pretty much the same as having money in the bank. When we take these resources out of the ground we are basically taking money out of our national bank account.

The problem is under our current system Gina gets to keep a shitload of this money and the Australian people get some miserable, piss-poor percentage.

So far our mining tax has raised bugger-all. Yet we still spend about $6 billion a year on fuel subsidies so Gina's giant Tonka trucks and private jet can move about a bit more cheaply.

So stop whingeing Gina and go back to stuffing your gob with all those unicorn pies in your stupid billionaire world that has no connection with reality. I hate you.

Brothels are really helpful

Personally the idea of going to a brothel creeps me about. I do however find them useful. You see, most brothels tend to put their street number in really large, easy to read numbers and when I'm driving along trying to find a place on some main road this can be really helpful. Most other commercial enterprises tend to have their number in small, hidden away places which makes it impossible to read when driving without slamming into the car in front.

You probably think I should get with the times and use my phone to deliver me to the pinpoint address. I could, but I really don't like the idea of Google telling me where to go. Instead, I tell Google where to go.

Yes, go get fucked Google! I know where you can find a brothel... (just look for the place with the big numbers out the front).

Monday, May 6, 2013


Dear Qantas,

I recently flew with you to Melbourne and you fed me a lovely chocolate caramel cookie. Unfortunately you also fed me a little bit of bullshit.

You see, with my cookie came a little paper bag which was apparently part of a new recycling initiative. Along with a whole lot of guff about your new recycling initiative, the bag was printed with instructions telling me to put my rubbish inside this paper bag. This struck me as odd.

For years I have been carefully sorting my paper and plastic as part of my own recycling initiative. Nonetheless I put my plastic cookie wrapper in the paper bag and gave it back to the hostie/stewardess/flight attendant/whatever the proper term is these days.

Later when I went to the back of the plane to use the toilet I fully expected to find the hosties busily going through the collected rubbish sorting this paper from plastic. But no, they were just hanging about discussing their diet regimes and how carbs and sugar are evil (which was quite ironic considering what they had just been dishing out).

So basically it appears that your brilliantly thought out recycling scheme involves creating more rubbish, rather than less rubbish and also putting a whole lot of recyclable material in landfill. Why don’t you print that on your tip-bound paper bags?

My suggestion is that you get rid of the paper bags, get rid of the cookie wrappers and just serve those tasty treats from a good old-fashioned, environmentally friendly cookie jar. It makes far more sense than trying to bamboozle us with nonsensical marketing spin.

Yes keep the cookies coming, but please stop trying to feed me bullshit.