The greatest television ever made

Seeing Rags the kangaroo attack Marty the monster was one of the true highlights of my childhood. Rile up a massive red kangaroo and let it go nuts on some dude in a stupid costume in front of a live audience of bewildered children - genius. Comical, violent and unpredictable. Everyone should watch this video when they need to cheer up.

Chinese Michael Bolton

Hearing Michael Bolton is always slightly grating. The Chinese version just takes it to another level though. I don't quite understand why the Chinese are so enamoured with cheesy love songs - I'm sure it has something to do with karaoke though. I wonder what the Chinese Michael Bolton looks like? I hope he has a mullet.

Human Origami

Puppetry of the penis was a big success but I don't really know it is fully utilising the whole human body. I would like to see a troupe of contortionists create human origami. They could fold themselves into all sorts of  interesting animal shapes and perform in  festivals in South Australia which we know from the number plates is the festival  state. I'm disappointed NSW no longer has a number plate slogan. It used to be "the premier state" which was a nice fuck you to the rest of Australia. From memory Victoria changed theirs from "the garden state" to "the place to be" in a move which smacked of desperation. I would like states to have less boastful slogans. Maybe "VIC - It could be worse" or "WA - quite large and sandy".

Rite of passage

I hate the introduction of self-scan checkouts for a number of reasons. It's impersonal, it duds someone out of a job and it's just plain rude to make me do that crap myself. It has also removed an awkward rite of passage that should be experienced by every pimple faced teenager. Allowing these kids to zap their own condoms through the self-scan checkout at the supermarket is crap. They should have to go to chemists and make that awkward transaction face to face. It builds character and it no doubt provides amusement for people who work at chemists.

Weird and wonderful Olympians

The Olympics does produce some amazing freaks. Here are my favourites so far.

British shot-putter Carl Myerscough is the closest thing I've seen to a proper giant. I've heard you can only access his house via beanstalk.

German track cyclist Robert Fostermann has the most ridiculous legs of any human being to have lived. He finds it hard to buy jeans.

Nigerian weightlifter Felix Ekpo brings the six pack to a whole new level. I don't quite understand how it is anatomically possible but his stomach is just some massive ball of muscle.

Belarus trampolinist Viashaslau Modzel is the only athlete I've seen to sport both a 70's mo and a comb-over. Surprisingly he is aged just 25. I'm looking forward to seeing him in many more Olympics to come.

Space

You can now book a space flight on Virgin Galactic for a mere $200,000. Even if I were ridiculously rich I don't know if I would do it though. I just imagine a lot of people vomiting, it floating around all over the place and then being really disappointed that I can't see the Great Wall of China because my window has chunks all over it. After a while I would probably get bored of looking out the window and just tune in to the in-flight movie which would no doubt be something crap involving Tom Hanks. Then I would land and realise I was in the same place and that I'd just wasted a stupid amount of money on a Tom Hanks movie and that I had other people's weird caviar vomit all over me.