Thursday, November 29, 2012


Normal people carry $50 and $20 notes because that is what ATM's spit out. Hundreds are carried exclusively by dodgy people. If you are carrying a hundred dollar note chances are you are a drug dealer or some sort of tax evader. They should really implant tracking devices on $100 notes or at least make them with ink that bleeds all over you. That way the drug squad and auditors from the ATO could then easily identify dodgy people. In a matter of months we could win the drug war and massively increase taxation revenues by making tradies who do cashies pay their far share.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Alternate gift idea

During Christmas billions of dollars will be spent on crap gifts that no one will ever use. No one needs a foot spa and no one uses a foot spa more than once. Once they do use it they can never re-sell it because who wants a second hand foot spa? That's just nasty. We shouldn't be buying people foot spas. We should be buying them their lives back.

I'd like to start a scheme where you are able to buy people a day off work for Christmas. You just pay their employer and get their time back. If you can't afford a whole day you just buy an afternoon or an extended lunch. That's going to be far more relaxing than a foot spa.

Monday, November 19, 2012

PR war in the Middle East

I don't know much about the Middle East but I do know that if Palestine continues with its current tactics it will continue to get fucked over by Israel. Instead of firing rockets I believe it should resort to a much more interesting tactic.

I would like to see them get a bunch of pigs and write a statement on the side of each of them.

They could read "Israel will no longer blow up children" or "Israel will hand back occupied territories". Of course, past experience would suggest the answer to any of these statements is "yeah, and pigs might fly". So they should make them fly...

Just attach balloons to the pigs and let them float over the fence in to Israel. It's brilliantly visual and bound to get far more TV coverage than depressing coverage of rocket craters. It gets a point across and has the added benefit of pissing off the enemy who are not a fan of pigs.

Of course, in America all you would hear about is the animal cruelty aspect of strapping pigs to balloons. Then the debate would be all about whether it was the Palestinians' fault for strapping balloons to the pigs or the Israelis' fault for blowing cute little Babe into a thousand little pieces with their missile defence system. At least that would be more interesting than the current debate.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Walking sucks

Race walking is about the most pathetic sport there is. People can’t help but laugh at men who wiggle there arse in such a way. Today, using a normal gait, I walked past a guy who was doing a slow race walk – he had all of the wiggling, just none of the forward momentum. I thought he might be humiliated by this but anyone who race walks obviously has a high humiliation threshold.

It seems obvious that the Olympics should replace race walking with hopping. There could be a straight-out endurance race where the person who hops the longest distance without putting their foot down wins. There could also be an extreme hopping event where competitors have to negotiate an obstacle course without putting their foot down. 

The athletes would be like Rodger Federer, just instead of having arms of unequal size, they would have one massive leg. I'd be impressed by the freakishness and the prospect of seeing people fall over always makes a sport far more watchable. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

Scaring Cats

We have many annoying feral cats that invade our backyard. As well as ruthlessly beheading and disembowelling possums, they have really loud fights - it's like a women's tennis match is going on at 3 am. I have thought of cashing on this violence by dressing them up in little silky shorts and gloves and having cat UFC. I worry they would scratch the crap out of me while I was trying to do this though. With my cat allergies my eyes would probably get really itchy too.

Instead I am thinking of revisiting one of my old ideas and getting a little boy pissing fountain. The fountain would have a motion sensor and when cats came in to the yard the boy would swivel to the appropriate angle and release a squirt the appropriate distance to piss all over the cat. It would be brilliantly entertaining.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Is a leader a leader if no one wants to follow them?

Americans are good at inspiring speeches. Maybe it is because they have better speech writers or maybe it is just the confidence of having crowds of really over-excited people who will cheer loudly no matter what is said. Maybe it is because they have leaders who don't speak in a nasal bogan voice, while treating their audience like retarded five year olds. Julia will never inspire anyone, either will Tony. Why the hell are they leaders?