Sunday, May 25, 2014

Free Parking

When you play Monopoly and land on the Free Parking square you generally don't get that excited. But you should.

Parking is really bloody expensive when you are dealing with a monopoly. It's so expensive the Sydney Airport Corporation made $119 million from parking in 2012.

To park your car overnight at the airport it currently costs $112. That's a rather stupid amount to hire a 15 square metre bit of concrete. I've paid less for hotel rooms three times the size that come with complimentary toiletries, tea bags and other awesome things like walls and a bed.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

We need the Germans to fight for us

Most Aussies are used to getting fucked by the government. Most just bend over and take it. Our efforts at protest are generally quite feeble and ineffective. Thank god we have the Germans on our side.

Today Deutsche Bank pulled out of a deal to build a massive coal port on the edge of the Great Barrier Reef, due in large part to the 180,000 Germans who petitioned against it. What were we doing here? No one asked me to sign anything.

Students in Germany have  been the beneficiaries of their own awesome protesting skills. Despite the government changing the laws to allow fees in 2006, the level of protest has meant the measures have now been overturned. Our student protest have never been quite that effective and as a result most tertiary educated people will be living off home brand instant noodles until they are well in to their 40's. 

If Australia is ever going to get what we really need some more Germans. We need people to say "dus ist nein gut!" We need passionate people with names like Hans and Hilda to beat our politicians into submission with various types of wurst. We need all the Mercedes and BMWs to be secretly built as Transformers so they can turn into awesome robots programmed to destroy Abbott, Hockey, Pyne and all the other useless lying bastards in Canberra.

Monday, May 19, 2014

The Force

In the budget the government has continued funding for the school chaplaincy program, but excluded people who are actually qualified to help, such as professional counselors or psychologists. Unless you have a religious agenda to impose you are out of there.

I think there is a way around this problem though. At the last census 70,000 Australians listed their religion as Jedi. If I was a headmaster employing a counselor I'd tell the government that they were a Jedi. If they didn't like that I'd use the force.

Fuck apple

In the budget there has been lots of talk about "sharing the pain" and "doing the heavy lifting", which are euphemistic ways of telling everyone they are about to fiscally fisted. But rather than go after pensioners, the disabled, students and anyone who shops at Lowes why aren't they going after the most profitable company in the world?

A recent analysis showed Apple paid just $193 million dollars on $27 billion dollars of revenue in Australia. That's just 0.7% of its turnover. Given the corporate tax rate is 30% something is a little bit amiss there. Meanwhile the government stands by  like they are watching a magician perform this neat accounting trick. Mesmerised they look on as the billions continues to disappear.  

It is not just Apple ripping money out of Australia to their favourite foreign tax havens. Pretty much every multi-national is doing the same thing. Rather than fight with the big bullies we have decided to beat up on the most in need. 

I'm particularly disturbed by the cut in foreign aid. How do you explain to someone that they can't have a life saving injection because Apple wanted to pay less tax on an iPad? Are we really going to tell people "sorry  a tsunami wiped your village away but because of our inaction on Google's sophisticated transfer pricing arrangements, you're on your own"?  

I know it has bugger all chance of happening but I would also like to see the miners do some heavy lifting. They have massive Tonka trucks purpose built for the job, filled with fuel they don't pay tax on. While we all wish Gina would put more in the kitty and less in her pie hole, 85% of the industry is foreign owned. Taxing wealthy foreigners seems like a reasonable plan to me. It shouldn't even cause a voter backlash because foreigners don't vote.

If we want to save some more money perhaps we could scrap the overpriced penis extensions (you know, those $24 billion fighter jets). Or maybe we could stop paying religious organisations currently being investigated for their widespread sexual abuse of children, to have their representatives in our secular schools

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The big decision

When I was in my twenties I went for months unemployed. Luckily I lived with my parents so I could live pretty happily without getting the dole.

But what if I was in my twenties now, was unemployed and couldn't rely on my parents for food and shelter? Would I survive by stealing, selling drugs or selling my arse?

Theft is hard because big screen TVs are really bloody big these days and it is awkward carrying them around - especially if you can't afford a car or the petrol that goes in it. Thanks to cheap Chinese manufacturing electronic goods also have very little resale value.

Being a drug dealer is probably not too bad. All you need are some tracky-daks, a bum bag and an old Nokia. You do have to deal with druggies though. Ice is seemingly the most popular drug at the moment and it tends to make its users paranoid and violent. It's not really very good safety wise.

Prostitution is the oldest way of making money but it is a rather drastic step. I know lots of people go for bum sex but it is not really what that orifice's anatomical function is and I can imagine there being significant potential for damage. It is bad enough getting fucked over by the government without actually having to get fucked over.

I could try busking but I don't really have any discernible talents. Potentially I could be one of those annoying squeegee people at the traffic lights, but then I'd hate myself more than if I was a parking inspector.

I think my best option would be to get a monkey that steals people's sunglasses and then charge the victims a fee for me to get them back. It works in many other countries and aside from our lack of monkeys I don't see why it couldn't work here.  

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Fair trade cocaine

There are a lot of people who won't buy Nike shoes because they are made in a sweatshop. They won't buy cage eggs because they are so cruel. They will willingly stump up an extra fifty cents for a cup of fair trade coffee so they can be sure a little old man in Costa Rica is not being exploited.

Whether people really give a shit about any of these things is debatable. Mostly they care about their personal brand. They don't want to be seen as cruel, capitalist bastards who heartlessly imprison chooks and exploit cheap labour in order to sate their voracious consumerist appetites.

This type of behaviour is most apparent among trendy inner city wankers. Paradoxically, trendy inner city wankers are probably the segment of society most likely to be consumers of cocaine. Apparently when it you put a little nose candy in front of these people they become instantly blind to all ethical concerns.

If someone is willing to boycott Nike why not a drug cartel? Mass murder, kidnapping, extortion, human trafficking and forced prostitution are fairly common business practices among the producers and distributors of the white stuff.

There are also other ethical concerns. Like McDonalds cuts down rainforests for beef production, drug cartels tend to cut down large amounts of forest for coca production. That's not very green.

Drug cartels also pay even less tax than Gina Rinehart, whilst costing the government billions of dollars for public health, border protection, policing, as well as the prosecution and incarceration of criminals. They are not what I would rate as solid corporate citizens.

Perhaps we need a public education campaign which goes beyond the boring "drugs are bad" message. If people seriously considered the ethics of  what they were doing maybe there would be less shit going up their noses.

Or perhaps we just need fair trade cocaine.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Crime and punishment

When James Packer and David Gyngell belted each other in the head they each got fined $500. Fining a multi-billionaire like Packer this amount is comparable to fining this average person five cents. It is as stupid as belting someone in the head.

In one of those forward-thinking Nordic countries they have identified this stupidity and rectified it. Go over the speed limit in Norway  (or maybe it's Sweden or Switzerland) and your income will be examined to see just how big the fine should be.

I don't think money is enough though. Packer should have to go without something. Perhaps he should have to catch public transport for a month while regular commuters from Rooty Hill get a lift to work in his chauffeur driven car. Or maybe he should have to go without his helicopter while it is used to give old people from nursing homes joy rides.

Perhaps he could be legally made to only drink cask wine while homeless people get to drink his Grange. Or maybe he should have to give up having sex with supermodels and instead pass them on to other fat, ugly middle-aged blokes who were previously denied the opportunity of bedding a supermodel for the simple fact that they didn't have enough zeroes on the end of their bank balance.