Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Animal Bits

The other day I was thinking it would be good to have fox ears because foxes can hear really well and with all that fur covering them they wouldn’t get cold in winter or sunburnt in summer.

But if you could swap one of your body parts for an animal body part what would it be?

If everyone had the choice I reckon there would be some pretty bad decisions made. Obviously you’ll get all these men saying they want an elephant penis, who will end up ruing their decision because they can’t walk without tripping over or find a woman able to accommodate them (unless of course a few woman decide to have elephant vaginas which probably wouldn’t be that silly because it would make child birth way less painful).

Of course, you’d get heaps of people who want to fly and trade their arms for eagle wings. Sadly they would soon find out that the wings didn’t provide adequate lift for their heavy bodies and would have to walk everywhere with untied shoes.

You could trade your legs away for a fish tail and become a real life mermaid but that probably would make transport an issue if you ever wanted to go somewhere not by the water. If I was going to trade my legs I might get kangaroo legs.

There are so many possibilities - monkey forearms, peacock crest, pig nipples, anything! Medical technology is evolving. You should really give this some serious thought.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

It's best not to try

I decided to wash my windows for the first time in six years. It's a complex operation because you have to reach around further than your limbs will go. I sudsed up the windows okay but when I was wiping them off I couldn't quite get to all the suds before they dried. Then a bee stung my finger. Now it hurts to type and my windows look shitter than when they started.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Before the lights go out

It doesn't seem right how when you get old all you do is visit an increasing number of medical practitioners as your abilities gradually desert you. It means there's nothing to look forward to which is I guess why the idea of God and an afterlife is so marketable.

What would be great is if you had a period just before you die that you become the best in the world at something. It could be that your nan wakes up one day and doesn't feel like doing crochet and instead decides to ride a motorbike against Valentino Rossi. She kicks his arse and gets to spray champagne from one of those big bottles before the lights go out.

Or maybe some dude who has been illiterate his whole life goes out and feels an urge to take part in a scrabble competition and manages to lay down 'quixotic' on the triple word score to take the tournament.

It would be great watching some trapeze artist do a triple somersault and thinking "not bad, but when I'm 90 I reckon I'll do better." I don't think you'd get to choose what your amazing talent will be though. You could get flower arranging, cliff diving or whale harpooning.


Here are some far more entertaining sites.

School Fair

Is it wrong to walk around a primary school clad only in a crotch hugging bit of lycra? Possibly, but if I gave in to modesty I'd never have got to have a $2.50 sausage sandwich after my bike ride. Nor would I have won a bottle of chardonnay in the $5 tombola or picked up a lovely chocolate cake for just $10.

The only bad bit of the St Ives school fair was the singing and synchronised dance routines of the children. I forgot just how crap kids can be.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Most schoolies just plan a trip to the Gold Coast and dent the Barina in the Maccas car park. Jessica Watson decided to fuck up on a much grander scale.

Having told the world how she was all grown up and perfectly equipped to do a lap of the globe she ran her yacht into a ship after less than a day. Now I’m not a yachtie but I reckon if there was millions of kilometres of open ocean and a big ship coming my way I’d steer the boat in the direction of the blue stuff and not the big ship. Seems like a pretty basic error.

Personally I can’t imagine anything more boring than sailing around the ocean by myself. If I were 16 I’d rather be puking from too many vodka jelly shots with my friends than puking from seasickness. I think she came to her senses and decided this was the way out.

Sunday, September 6, 2009


This weekend I joined a whole lot of dedicated lycra wearing freaks to compete in the Wollombi Wildride – a 60km mountain bike thingy. My strategy was to start out at the back with the fat bastards and gradually overtake a few of them when they ran out of puff.

For elite athletes like myself nutrition is critical, so pre-race I downed a sausage sandwich at the pub and to keep energy levels high mid-race I carried a number of choc chip biscuits and chico babies. Sadly I dropped a couple of the biscuits and did not get the full effect of their sugary goodness.

At the halfway point I was coming a lowly 100th so I thought I’d try a bit harder and despite my gear cable almost breaking I managed to overtake a fair few tiring fat bastards who obviously didn’t have the benefit of chico babies. Eventually I got over the line in a time of 3 hours 28 minutes – a mere hour and a quarter behind the skinny freak who won!

Naturally after such an effort I was keen to kick back on the couch and watch the Wallabies play. In some quirk of satellite technology Wollombi only seems to get TV from the Northern Territory (if you are reading this and are aboriginal, live in the Territory and want to become a pharmacist you should apply for the special grant and get $15,000 a year). They have all sorts of weird ads on NT tele but very sadly they have no rugby so instead of enjoying the Wallabies kick some Springbok arse I watched J-Lo in Maid in Manhattan.

I wanted to scratch my eyes out but that may have been just an allergic reaction from the cat.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

How I will get rich via dog poo

Dogs are ace but the idea of scooping up their fresh, warm poo in a thin plastic bag really puts me off the idea of owning one.

Thankfully, those smart Japanese have developed a far better solution to this problem. When their dog is ready for a poo they just lay out some newspaper and let Fido express its opinion of world events. Sure they still have to walk around carrying a newspaper full of crap but it’s better than scooping it up in a plastic bag and far more environmentally friendly.

To make me rich I plan on developing an even better way of cleaning up after a pooch. My first option involves a tweak on the Japanese system but instead of newspaper it would be special sheets that would be printed with the faces of politicians and celebrities that people didn’t like. You could probably even special order ones with pictures of ex-lovers printed on them as the business got rolling. Anyway, the sheets would have drawstrings like a garbage bag and once Fido is done you just pull them tight and you’ll have a fresh bag of poo which you can just tie on to the leash or fling hammer-style onto the porch of an annoying neighbour.

The second option would be a bit more high tech. It would work just like a bait pump but instead of sucking up worms or yabbies it would pick up the poo. Best of all you could also shoot the poo wherever you wanted once you were loaded up. I think I’d also add one of those tennis ball flinger things on the end to provide extra functionality. I plan to sell this device using infomercials. At the start there would be a fat woman picking up a sloppy poo and trying not to wretch. Over the top would be a cheesy voiceover saying “Tired of picking up your dog’s filthy crap? You need the Poosucker 3000!” then there would be a hot woman using the poosucker 3000 and eventually they’d get to the bit where they tell you it’s just 3 easy payments of $49.95 (plus 17.95 postage and handling) and if you ring now you get the ball flinger attachment.