Saturday, August 30, 2014

The war on terror

The cost of the war on terror, just to the US, is now estimated at over $5 trillion. I don't think it has been money well spent.

Bombing the shit out of people generally gives them a reason to feel aggrieved. As a result there are more terrorists now than when the war on terror started.

When the Twin Towers came down, George W should have come out and told the world that he was going to buy everyone in Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq a comfy couch, a big TV, a satellite dish and an unlimited supply of donuts.

This would probably have saved them about $4.5 trillion and been a hell of a lot more effective. Fat people with big TVs rarely want to go off and fight somewhere which is going to be less comfortable than their plush leather couch with the built-in cup holder and the recliner thingy.

Everyone would look upon the US in a far more kind way and any potential terrorists would all surely be too busy watching Baywatch re-runs to go and behead anyone. They might even decide that women not dressing head to toe in black is a good thing.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Grey is the modern camouflage

Walking down my street I was becoming depressed about how many of them had been painted grey. People then pulled into the driveways in their grey cars, stepped out wearing grey suits and presumably walked inside to grey little worlds.

It wasn’t always like this, but a country which used to be painted in optimistic pastels has turned into a country of extremely bleak conservatism. I put it down to fear.

People are now afraid to stand out. They want to blend in to the background. They don’t want to draw any unnecessary attention to themselves. They fear being the kid who has turned up to school in their Spiderman outfit when everyone else was in their grey uniform.

The very fact that most school children are forced to wear grey uniforms is worrying. No child ever wants to grey. It goes against all our human instincts. All five year olds want bright colours, sparkles and flashing lights if at all possible.

This natural instinct to be fabulous is gradually kicked out of people. As they grow up they realise the safe thing to do is to fit in.

Next time you see some joyous child running around with shoes that light up with each step, picture that kid in thirty years’ time. Chances are they will be a grey suit, driving a grey car and living in a grey house.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The way to go

There aren't too many nice ways to die. Quickly and painlessly would be nice but often that is not what happens.

I propose the following:

1. You get put into a comfy pod - you can be naked or wearing a batman costume or whatever the hell you please.

2. They attach the pod to a balloon. - you can have anything written on the balloon from "god is great" to "life is beautiful" or "fuck you Ted"

3. You are released an fly up in to the sky - you can choose your favourite song to listen to. I'd probably go for "wind beneath my wings" in an ironic final twist.

4. You get pumped full of the drug of your choice to ease you on your way - if ever there is a time to try heroin surely this is it.

5. You die painlessly - the drugs and the lack of oxygen eases you out of this life.

6. You burn up on your re-entry - creating a cool streak across the sky and completely eliminating the need for a burial or cremation.

Monday, August 18, 2014

He who pays the piper

Currently political parties get their funding primarily from prostituting themselves to big business and rich people. This age-old system has served the rich well but has done very little to help the rest of us.

I propose a new system of compulsory political contributions. Under this system every eligible voter would be given an equal sum of money that they could contribute on a month by month basis to any party or candidate they liked. When they disagreed with something they could easily switch their contributions to someone else and leave a note saying why they have done so.

It could be something like "I am young, unemployed and don't think I can go six months without eating."

In this way politicians could no longer just butter voters up before elections and fuck them over after. They would also suffer an instant withdrawal of funds from thousands of voters every time they came out with something stupid like saying "poor people don't drive".

Under this system we could also make any other contributions illegal. Thus politicians could spend less time whoring themselves out to the wealthy and big business might actually have to pay some tax.

Ultimately we might have government that serves the people, which would be a very pleasant change.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Bathtub safety

The threat of being killed by a terrorist is less than that of being killed by falling over in the bath. It does seem bewildering that we are taking extreme invasive measures to combat terrorism and none at all to combat bath deaths.

The cost of combating terrorism is not just billions of dollars. It now also involves the complete surrender of our privacy, with the government now legislating to hoover up all phone, email and internet data. If the government can do that surely they should also have a team of inspectors who are licensed to burst into your bathroom at any time to make sure you are using your bath in a correct manner.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Commemorating war

Whenever there is a commemoration of a war it is always very dignified, ordered and calm. It is so completely unlike war it always seems completely ridiculous to me.

If we want people to truly think what war was like maybe we should have commemorations which aren't so genteel. Just imagine if half way through the Last Post the bugler gets shot (theatrically of course) and as he is lying there all bloodied two other army dudes come along to drag him away. Then they get shot and one of them is screaming out in agony and the gathered crowd just has to wait and listen for the next two hours as he dies a slow death.

It would of course be horrible, but isn't that what we should be remembering?

All you ever hear is people talking about heroism and mateship and the founding of a nation. Why glorify it? Show people a video of a grieving mother who has just lost all her sons. Show them a video of a surgeon unsuccessfully trying to stem the bleeding from shrapnel wounds. Show them a cute puppy jumping on a land mine if that's what it takes.

For some reason our leaders keep sending us to wars. Maybe if our commemorations were a little less dignified and a lot more fucked up they might think about it a little differently.


I really can't quite fathom why some people pay stupid amounts of money for a really fast car when all they are buying is frustration. When a vehicle has a top steep of 300 km/h there is hell of a lot of those kilometres an hour you will never get to use. I ride past Ferraris on my bike and the people in the people in them are miserable. It's understandable - they are going 290 kilometres an hour slower than they could be potentially going. Idiots...

If these people had one wish they would all wish for a massive dick. They would then get a dick that was so big no one would ever want to have sex with them. Forlornly they would then walk around, dragging their big massive wangs along the ground, and I would laugh at them the way I laugh when I see rich wankers in stupidly fast cars.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Cold hard cash

People always get excited about cold hard cash but I much prefer warm, bendy cash. There is something special about going to the ATM and getting fresh notes out that are all crisp and warm - it's a bit like getting bread from the bakery in the morning.

When I think of cold hard cash I think of coins which have been dropped in a fountain which some bum is wading through on a winter's night in order to scrape together enough for some goon. While his piles of twenty cent coins are indeed fat stacks of cold hard cash, this man is not rich.