Sunday, October 24, 2010


Pain is always at its worst when you are bored. When your mind has nothing better to concentrate on it focuses all its attention on your dodgy back or that little paper cut on your pinkie. When however you are doing really exciting, the pain isn't really that bad. George Gregan once broke his leg in the opening minutes of a Bledisloe Cup match and played on for the next hour. I'm guessing the fact he was doing something awesome and had 80,000 people cheering him on kind of helped distract him.

I believe people feel more pain as their lives become less colourful. That's why old people who don't get out much are always groaning. Instead of treating them with painkillers we should be taking them to rock concerts and getting them to hula hoop (that would probably help there hip strength too).

Hospitals should also be way more exciting. The first thing I'd do is make sure the nurses were hot and have them wear skimpy outfits and rollerskates. They should also give you a paintball gun that you can shoot randomly to redocorate the bland interiors.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Tunnel Vision

While Sydney now has more tunnels than Cu Chi I rarely travel down any of them. It could be that none of them really lead me where I want to go. It could also be that I once worked on a checkout at a miserly minimum wage and I equate the cost of a toll with roughly half an hour of work scanning intimate apparel for a queue of obese bargain hunters on a 20% off day. Like anyone who has ever flipped a burger or manned a call centre I value my cash and don’t what to spend a fortune to save six minutes. Frugality however isn’t my biggest reason for taking the overland route - I avoid tunnels because they are mind-numbingly boring.

Stay above ground and you can breathe in all those tempting aromas as you pass by the shops and decide whether to stop in for a loaf of fresh bread, a bargain pineapple or a dodgy dim sim. You can smile smugly to the people who’ve been waiting at the bus stop for far longer than is reasonable or laugh uproariously as a cycle courier tangles with an office girl who’s too busy texting to look where her or her tray of coffees is heading.

Of course, there is always the chance you will get stuck at a road work site but these days it’s not such a bad experience. For some magic reason all the jobs involving holding the ‘stop and go’ sign all seem to have gone to young ladies who are attractive enough to make any delay far more bearable.

If the tunnel operators want to get my business they really need to create something that challenges the wonders of what lies above. I propose for the whole length of their tunnels they install screens capable of displaying a continuous moving image. In this manner you could transform the boring tunnel into a scene of outback Australia complete with emus and kangaroos which run and hop beside your car as you drive along. It would be far more fun and tourists in taxis doing would be doing laps to experience it over and over.

There are really infinite possibilities. Your car could be running with a herd of bison across the plains of North America or travelling beside a peloton of Tour de France cyclists in the Pyrenees. At Christmas you could chase Santa’s sleigh and on Anzac Day you could charge with the Light Horse Brigade. Valentines Day would be the real highlight though. Just get in your little white hatchback and feel the love as a whole lot of oversized sperm race to the end at the same time!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Want to get famous? Get fat

If you've been an awesome athlete, won lots of medals and kept super fit for your whole career a few people might know who you are and not flick channel while you are going for gold. If however you want to be really famous you can:
1. Trade swimming for eating burgers
2. Become fatter than Elvis
3. Make a comeback like Elvis

Geoff Huegill getting a silver wouldn't really have rated a mention without his Elvis period. However thanks to women's magazines no achievement is considered more amazing than shedding some kilos. Rather than just being another moderately succesful athlete he is now swimming's biggest star.

If you managed to cure cancer you probably wouldn't get as much media as any chunky celebrity who regained a six pack. If you want to hit the headlines you need to cure cancer and dropped three dress sizes.

For some reason people are obsessed with the "secret of weight loss". There's no secret. It involves:
1. Eating less
2. Excersizing more
3. Will power/lap-band surgery

Personally my favourite athlete at the Commonwealth Games is Anna Meares. She has a big arse and massive thighs but that's what makes her go really fast.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Could be worse...

At least the club rugby grand final didn't involve "Justice Crew" or any Australian Idol performers. How the fuck did that gay excuse for hip hop infiltrate rugby league? Billy Idol with his mic turned off was better than that. The Optus box debacle was better than that. Just get Chisel up there and give the bogans what they want.

Not so grand

I'm pissed off about the grand final. Not just because Randwick got their arses kicked or that the referee was an idiot. I'm pissed off because the event had lost all sense of occasion.

The grand final used to be grand. Before it started there would be a marching band, some sky divers and then a shitload of balloons released in team colours. The players would even sometimes run through those big crepe banners and get little bits of paper all twisted around their boots.

People came because it was an event. This time it had nothing. No one cared and I was able to park 100 metres away.

My plan for making the grand final grand again involves the following.
1. Hire a marching band.
2. Hire a stuntman.
3. Make one of those big crepe banners.
4. Line up the buses that the marching band came in down the middle of the field. Put the crepe banner at the end.
5. make the fat guy in the marching band do a drum roll
6. Get the stuntman to ride his motorbike up the ramp, through the crepe banner and over the buses.
7. If funds stretch that far hire Paris Hilton and strap her to the last bus. I think the possibility of her being crushed by a motorbike would draw international interest and a huge crowd.

If I saw that I'd feel excited.