Sunday, December 21, 2014

Cockroaches have a branding problem

Cockroaches and ladybugs are pretty similar. They both crawl sometimes and fly sometimes. They are both buggy looking and share much of the same DNA. But when a ladybug lands on someone they are generally really happy and make affectionate cooing noises. When a roach crawls up their leg they start screaming and try to whack the thing.

The first thing cockroaches should do is change their name. Ladybug and Christmas Beetle both sound nice, so I would go for something like Fortune Beetle or Wonderbug.

They also need to change their colours because brown just isn't working for them. I think glitterball would be pretty cool. Maybe they could have a big smiley face on their shells or perhaps they could just mirror the colours of the footy team in their local area. You would be far less likely to squish a Fortune Beetle who goes for the same team as you.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

The Christmas Spirit

Australia has officially turned into Scrooge or possibly Mr Burns.

The decision to cut another $4 billion from the foreign aid budget on the eve of Christmas seems a little mean given they have already cut $7.6 billion from foreign aid and siphoned off more to pay for detention centres and contributions to the climate change fund.

For a prime minister who is supposed to be all Jesusy this seems completing lacking in Christmas spirit. Has he even listened to Geldof's song? Does he know it's Christmas time at all?

When Tony says grace at Christmas lunch what will on earth could come out? " Dear father, thank you for letting me buy lots of fancy fighter jets and submarines while all these yucky poor un-Australian people are dying of starvation and ebola. Those fighter jets are way cool. I really want to boof Maverick from Top Gear - but it's okay, I won't marry him. That would be wrong. Amen"

Sunday, December 7, 2014

How to stop politicians from talking crap

Most politicians have been trained to completely avoid answering questions and then waffle on about their own bullshit. I've got a smart way of rectifying that.

Whenever a politician gets interviewed they should be hooked up to a chair with some electrodes. Home viewers would be able to use a phone app to zap them when the answers they provide are crap.

I imagine ordinary Australians would start having an interest in politics. Ratings figures for the 7.30 Report would sky rocket. All the lefties who hate Tony Abbott but also hate violence would be left with an awful moral conundrum - but I'm sure most of them would zap the fucker anyway.  

Friday, November 28, 2014


I've always despised the Abbott government but now I have reason to dislike them even more. Because they have gutted the ABC I will no longer be able to watch Randwick games on the tele. That sucks big hairy dogs balls.

My beloved footy will no doubt be replaced by twenty year old re-runs of Midsomer Murders. In fact it will probably be replaced by the Bolt Report if the Libs get their way.

The most annoying thing is that the little money they save will no doubt be pissed away on something stupid like another tunnel that I have to pay another toll on or a school chaplaincy program to indoctrinate impressionable children who signed up for a secular education or diesel subsidies for Gina's oversized Tonka trucks or paying rich people ludicrous amounts to have babies or tax breaks to help the property bubble keep growing so I can never afford a home.

Fuck you Tony. Fuck you.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Being a sex god

If you want to play out the fantasy of being a sex god there is no better way to go about it than to ride a bike really fast for 200 kilometres. Whoever conceived of the podium celebration really knew what would spur men on to great pursuits. Firstly they have two tall models kiss you (which is unlikely to normally happen when you are a bony borderline dwarf who spends all their time riding up mountains in lycra).

They then give you a big bottle of champagne which quite obviously is symbolic of your penis. This bottle is usually much bigger than a standard bottle (even though your penis is likely to be very small at this point - seven hours on a hard cycling saddle doesn't do much for blood supply to the region)

The whole crowd delights as you wank off your huge champagne bottle, ejaculate and spray streams of bubbly jizz all over them.

Unfortunately some cyclists see too many porn films and think woman really like having jizz on their face. I really don't think they do. I remember having a schoolroom fight in year 2 which ended up with someone flicking clag glue all over my face. It was horrible. No one wants sticky stuff all over their face and in their eyes. I spent ages trying to unglue the eyelashes on my left eye.


All in all I think podium celebrations are a wonderful harmless fantasy. Winning cyclists should however be a little more careful about where they aim their pantomime penises.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

When music was expensive

Back in 1990 it cost $30 for a CD, which according to the Reserve Bank's inflation calculator is $54 in today's money. That's heaps.

If you were lucky you might get one CD for Christmas and another one your birthday so you had to think pretty hard about which one you wanted. Once you got your CD you would then listen to it about a million times until you knew every word and had pissed off your entire family who would beg for mercy every time you went near the hi-fi system.

Back then owning a CD meant something. It was a source of cool. You could have friends around to listen to a CD. People would give you tapes so you could copy it for them in some primitive form of file sharing.

This system did however get more sophisticated when kids realised they could buy a CD and a bunch of blank tapes from Big W, then dub the album, exchange the CD for another one, dub that, exchange the next CD and continue until the patience of the person at Big W finally wore thin with the whole scam.

Still, the system was far less sophisticated than these days when you can listen to pretty much every song which has ever been created on your phone without buying anything, dubbing anything or writing all the track names on the little tiny card at the back of the tape.

In the 90's kids were united by the tapes they shared. Some cool kid bought a Niggers With Attitude CD and pretty soon we all knew the words to Fuck tha Police. We probably had no idea where Compton was but being a middle class white kid in Epping was pretty much the same as gang banging in LA.

For some reason gangsta rap and hip hop was massive. Most people I knew owned a tape with Cypress Hill's "Hits From the Bong" on it before they even had a hit from a bong. I think it was just because it all seemed tantalisingly naughty and that treasured little black and white sticker on the front of the CD which says "Parental advisory, explicit lyrics".

Dear Target

Dear Target,

A while ago I bought a toilet brush from you. I didn't just go for the super-cheap one. I went for this fancy-pants posh one which was in this tasteful wooden box and cost $35 or something. I thought it must be a huge step up from the very basic old-school dunny brushes, which while effective added little to the aesthetics of that uninviting little crevice beside the toilet bowl.

Soon after purchasing this posh toilet brush I found it didn't really hold up to vigorous scrubbing. The head quickly became wonky and I realised it was actually just loosely screwed on. After more scrubbing the handle became wonky and I realised that too was just loosely screwed on. Pretty soon the whole thing fell apart.

This is just terrible design - it's like making a chopstick from three separate pieces and badly screwing them together. It is just when your chopsticks fall apart and you have to put them back together you are likely to have something nice like sweet and sour pork on them. When your dunny brush falls apart it is likely to be covered in something terrible, like sweet and sour pork which has been through the human digestive system.

I realise I could have brought my posh dunny brush back into your store for a refund but having worked in a similar mega-store I feel great empathy for the people who work in your service department. They should never have to deal with crappy, crap-covered merchandise. I once had an old man return two year old underwear with dodgy elastic and skid marks. It was not pleasant.

I think it sad that many people with the very minor ambition of poshing up their bathroom a bit will be left frustrated, with aesthetically pleasing yet fairly useless dunny brushes. In this age of technological advancement things as simple as a dunny brush should just work.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Dog meat

Sadly very time a fancy race horse breaks a leg, they very quickly get sent off to the knackery to be made into Meaty Bites or Pal. Given these horses can be worth millions of dollars it seems a terrible waste.

The obvious solution is racing prosthetics. After all, it worked for Oscar Prestorious. He was really quick and everyone loved him (until the unfortunate shooting his girlfriend thing). I think people would get behind a blade runner horse.

Do you think racehorses say "break a leg" to each other before they race? That would be some cold shit... I guess they probably wouldn't say that unless they had Mr Ed abilities.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

When dumb becomes the norm

Most of the big problems which exist in the world have all come about because doing something dumb became normalised and accepted.

Melbourne Cup is a prime example of dumb becoming the norm. It's the strange carnage which occurs when people who don't normally drink two bottles of champagne on Tuesday are surrounded by a whole lot of other people who are doing this. Alcohol poisoning becomes the norm. Tomorrow you will see an amazing number of finely dressed women with fancy hats and lovely matching handbags... filled with vomit.

Frankly, I have never understood the purpose of trying to catch your chunder in a handbag. You would have to be standing on a pretty damn fancy rug before this becomes a wise option. Most women carry an inordinate number of things in their bag and once all that stuff has swum around in half-digested party pies and Bacardi Breezers it is bound to become a little icky. No one is going to want to put the vomit lipstick on again and I am pretty sure your iPhone warranty doesn't cover submersion in sick.

At the same time as everyone is getting on the piss, they also piss away their money, betting over $800 million on some stupid horses no one actually cares about, so that an annoying little prick like Tom Waterhouse can get even richer and afford yet more teeth whitening. Soon he will open his mouth and lasers will shoot out to burn the eyes of anyone who looks in his direction.

Sadly dumb becomes the norm way too often.

Australia voted in Tony Abbott. Sydneysiders think it is perfectly normal to pay $1 million for a shitty apartment. Xfactor gets good ratings. It is all incredibly dumb and none of it makes sense to me at all. I keep thinking that intelligence and common sense will win out but constantly I am amazed at the power of dumb.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Buffy's hair

Yesterday I was flicking through the news on my phone and came across a story about Sarah Michelle Gellar's new haircut. This inane article about Buffy's bob caused me to instantly start composing another smart-arse blog post in my head. I was going to tell you all about how the modern media sucks and how celebrity haircuts shouldn't be news and why we are also destined to become imbeciles.

But then I though about it a bit more.

I could fill my head with 'important' news stories. I could know all about Iraq and Syria and even those less popular wars in places with no oil. I could read about Ebola. I could think about how bad it all is. I could condemn politicians for doing the wrong things. I could get really angry about it if I wanted to. It wouldn't make me a better person though.

Choosing to be "well informed" is largely just a form of personal branding. It's much the same as choosing what you are wearing. Some people will choose a serious suit and to know what the Reserve Bank governor said about interest rates. Other people will choose a boob tube and knowing about Buffy's latest look.

By getting riled up about celebrity haircut stories I am  being a snob. I am like one of those annoying super-healthy people who say you should only have vegetables and that fairy floss shouldn't exist.

People like fairy floss and sometimes instead of all those bitter stories about war, disease and idiotic politicians I think it is perfectly fine to have something which is sweet and sugary and of no value to your intellectual diet...

People just need to be aware of where their intellectual nourishment is coming from. Getting all your information from TMZ is a bit like doing your grocery shopping in a lolly shop. Getting it from Channel 9 is probably like going to Woolies and skipping past any of the green stuff at the front. Other outlets are a bit more like the health food store, the jolly butcher who calls you 'love' or the chick with the bangles who sells space cake.

 Sarah Michelle Gellar

Thursday, October 2, 2014

The sad decline of cheerful whistling

If we were to graph the amount of whistling going on in society, we would see a long precipitous decline. It's dying out like rhinos.

It used to be that loads of people walked around whilst cheerfully whistling away. Their heads weren't clogged up with thousands of different thoughts; just a single little tune. It was brilliant. No one could ever be rushed, stressed or unhappy while they were whistling. 

Whistlers could carry their tunes around anywhere. They didn't need a phone, ear plugs and a charged battery to keep it all pumping out. They didn't need to download anything or sign up for some streaming service and have their musical tastes monitored by a distant corporation which would later pester them with targeted advertising.

Often the whistlers didn't whistle a set tune at all. They were constantly composing, making up their fabulous little ditties on the fly. Whistlers were like human birds - somehow lighter and freer than all those serious non-whistlers.

But the whistler is a dying breed. I can't envision many kids becoming whistlers. Few have the long walk home anymore which encourages the habit. Instead most are scooped up in to an SUV with the radio playing. The posh ones stare at the little TV built in to the headrest. 

Even if kids are forced to sit at the bus stop, not many will whistle away the wait. Most will feel an addictive impulse to pull out a phone and be entertained by a glittering world of games and social media. Time which was once free will be spent carefully managing an online identity. After all, who knows what could happen between the school bell and the arrival of the 288?

Perhaps we should put our faith in hipsters to encourage a whistling revival. A group which loves Ned Kelly beards, fixed wheel bicycles and typewriters should surely embrace this now antiquated activity.

Whistling seems far superior to all these established hipster drawcards, which each suffer some fairly serious drawbacks. Typewriters quickly expose poor typing and spelling. Fixies are pretty much useless the moment you encounter a significant hill. Ned Kelly beards can have the same effect as spraying a full can of lady repellent.    

But even if hipsters do embrace whistling, the habit may not be as permanent as their sleeve tattoos. After all, we live in an age of frenetic multi-tasking, with little space for extravagances. Ever harder we work to pay the bills and project the right image, hoping one day we might scrape together enough cash to afford the deposit on a slightly crap semi under the flight path.

Sadly no one in Sydney has time to breathe, let alone whistle. 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Arming service station attendants

Late night service stations tend to get robbed a lot by terrifying people with big knifes and guns. So why shouldn't the government pay to give service station attendants guns?

Chances are you think this idea is stupid - even more stupid than all my other stupid ideas. You may point out that this action is far more likely to end up with service station attendants getting their heads blown off and  little bits of skull and brain splattered all over the 2 for 1 Mars Bars. Were I a politician and I came up with this stupid idea I would be roundly criticised and told I was a complete raving lunatic.

So why is it that giving guns to Iraqis is so different? Rather than encourage vulnerable people to seek refuge, we tell them "Here's an AK47. Best of luck".

Suppose I am some Kurdish accountant who has just been presented with a shiny new machine gun. Chances are I will not know what I am doing and will get my head blown off in the first fire fight. After killing me the ISIS combatant will take my shiny new machine gun.

Effectively Australia will have paid loads of money to get me killed and bring weapons to ISIS. Smart one Team Australia!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Where's my fridge magnet?

Back when we last needed to be scared the government spent our money mailing out everyone fridge magnets. Somehow I missed out on receiving my "be alert, not alarmed" fridge magnet and never got to know what the number is for the terrorism hotline. I've been alarmed about this for a decade.

I'm hoping I might get one this time around because at the moment I'm frightfully ill-prepared. If I see some terrorists lurking around I will have to call Barry the Plumber or the 24 hour locksmith, who I both have fridge magnets for.

The fridge magnet for the locksmith does seem a little ill-conceived though. Surely if you have made it to  your fridge you are inside and don't need a locksmith... Perhaps it is for fancy people who have a beer fridge out the back.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Going mainstream

This week Apple really discovered the pitfalls of going mainstream when they thrust a U2 album upon their loyal customers/cult members.

For a brand wanting to be seen as young and fresh, associating their product with rich middle-aged white guys who were at their peak 20 years ago didn't really seem smart. The people who Apple should be targeting weren't even alive when the Joshua Tree was put out. This generation now instantly perceive Apple as a brand for clueless old people with artificial hips.

There is something awful about anything designed to be mainstream. It's why politics is so shit. It's why Top 40 radio is horrible. It's why most TV shows are crap and why most ads make you want to smack yourself in the head with the remote control.

Anything universally acceptable is dull. To excite you need to push the boundaries, not land safely in the middle.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Doing for fencing what Packer did for cricket

At the Olympics fencing has become a fairly tame affair. Previously I've suggested some changes to it to make it a little more theatrical. It seems quite obvious the whole thing should not be staged in a bland hall but rather in a grand manor with chandeliers to swing from and priceless vases to trip over.

I don't think that  goes far enough though. I would like them to swap their pissy little swords  for live full size swordfish. Just imagine the spectacle of a man trying to cling to a slimy, thrashing three metre long fish whilst also trying to direct that fish into his opponent and avoid getting poked in the eye. I'd watch that.

People will no doubt object on the grounds that is cruel but we could always substitute real fish with mechanical ones. Millions of those Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish have been produced before so it is proven technology.

We could even have the fish singing while the event was going on. For improved visuals I'd recommend making the pointy bit on the fish all fluoro like a light-sabre and have the opponents wear suits which light up on contact.


Tuesday, September 2, 2014

What to do when the world loses its mojo

It is easy to slip into a state of despair when you watch the news. Islamic extremists are lopping off heads, invading Russians are shooting down passenger jets and thousands of people are dying from Ebola. On top of all this, our government is trying to fuck us over every which way possible. To me it seems like the world has really lost its mojo.

But how do you get it back again?

In the 80's when we all felt bad about starving children in Ethiopia we amassed lots of famous people to sing "We are the world". Feeling good about everything again was as simple as going down to Brashs and buying the cassingle. It was a fairly decent strategy but these days I don't think the same thing is possible because Justin Beiber will probably get involved and it will all instantly turn to crap. Also cassingles and Brashs both don't exist anymore.

Major sporting events can promote a message of international peace and harmony, whilst also being a helpful form of distraction. Unfortunately the Olympic spirit didn't really do much for Vladimir Putin, who invaded Ukraine shortly after the Sochi winter games. The next soccer world cup is also in Russia so neighbouring countries will be nervous. The one after that is in Qatar, which is basically using a lot of slave labour to construct the whole thing, so no real joy there either.

I think the best idea might to invent a character who is a cross between Jesus and Batman. Jesman would be exciting and he would have a cool outfit. He would do good things and would only punch evil people like IS head loppers and Tony Abbott. He would preach a message of peace but in a catchy rap video format that could be played more often than Gangnam Style. He could help you out if you ran out of wine at a party and would perform various other cool party tricks like walking on water or flying around like a bat.

The wild google conspiracy theory

I'm not usually one for wild conspiracy theories but google is giving me plenty of reason to be suspicious.

Normally, I'm quite old school when it comes to working out where to go, relying on the UBD and my brain. Occasionally however I will talk into my phone and have the annoying google woman guide me to my destination. When I resort to this sad measure she always takes me in the most stupid way possible. Seriously, it is like a three year old has been asked to draw a route through a maze and has ended up just drawing flowers and something which could possibly be a dog, a monkey or Aunty Ruth.

Clearly google have abandoned the whole don't be evil thing and are now in bed with the oil companies. They realise sending me the long way around the block costs me a few extra cents in fuel. Multiply that by the billions of trips which people take each year and it is a bloody bonanza for all the big fat rich people.

Their long term goal is probably to promote climate change so sea levels will rise and they can sell us google life rafts. These stupid life rafts will have some infuriating woman endlessly telling us to turn to starboard in 300 metres and we'll just go round and round until we all go insane and die.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

The war on terror

The cost of the war on terror, just to the US, is now estimated at over $5 trillion. I don't think it has been money well spent.

Bombing the shit out of people generally gives them a reason to feel aggrieved. As a result there are more terrorists now than when the war on terror started.

When the Twin Towers came down, George W should have come out and told the world that he was going to buy everyone in Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq a comfy couch, a big TV, a satellite dish and an unlimited supply of donuts.

This would probably have saved them about $4.5 trillion and been a hell of a lot more effective. Fat people with big TVs rarely want to go off and fight somewhere which is going to be less comfortable than their plush leather couch with the built-in cup holder and the recliner thingy.

Everyone would look upon the US in a far more kind way and any potential terrorists would all surely be too busy watching Baywatch re-runs to go and behead anyone. They might even decide that women not dressing head to toe in black is a good thing.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Grey is the modern camouflage

Walking down my street I was becoming depressed about how many of them had been painted grey. People then pulled into the driveways in their grey cars, stepped out wearing grey suits and presumably walked inside to grey little worlds.

It wasn’t always like this, but a country which used to be painted in optimistic pastels has turned into a country of extremely bleak conservatism. I put it down to fear.

People are now afraid to stand out. They want to blend in to the background. They don’t want to draw any unnecessary attention to themselves. They fear being the kid who has turned up to school in their Spiderman outfit when everyone else was in their grey uniform.

The very fact that most school children are forced to wear grey uniforms is worrying. No child ever wants to grey. It goes against all our human instincts. All five year olds want bright colours, sparkles and flashing lights if at all possible.

This natural instinct to be fabulous is gradually kicked out of people. As they grow up they realise the safe thing to do is to fit in.

Next time you see some joyous child running around with shoes that light up with each step, picture that kid in thirty years’ time. Chances are they will be a grey suit, driving a grey car and living in a grey house.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The way to go

There aren't too many nice ways to die. Quickly and painlessly would be nice but often that is not what happens.

I propose the following:

1. You get put into a comfy pod - you can be naked or wearing a batman costume or whatever the hell you please.

2. They attach the pod to a balloon. - you can have anything written on the balloon from "god is great" to "life is beautiful" or "fuck you Ted"

3. You are released an fly up in to the sky - you can choose your favourite song to listen to. I'd probably go for "wind beneath my wings" in an ironic final twist.

4. You get pumped full of the drug of your choice to ease you on your way - if ever there is a time to try heroin surely this is it.

5. You die painlessly - the drugs and the lack of oxygen eases you out of this life.

6. You burn up on your re-entry - creating a cool streak across the sky and completely eliminating the need for a burial or cremation.

Monday, August 18, 2014

He who pays the piper

Currently political parties get their funding primarily from prostituting themselves to big business and rich people. This age-old system has served the rich well but has done very little to help the rest of us.

I propose a new system of compulsory political contributions. Under this system every eligible voter would be given an equal sum of money that they could contribute on a month by month basis to any party or candidate they liked. When they disagreed with something they could easily switch their contributions to someone else and leave a note saying why they have done so.

It could be something like "I am young, unemployed and don't think I can go six months without eating."

In this way politicians could no longer just butter voters up before elections and fuck them over after. They would also suffer an instant withdrawal of funds from thousands of voters every time they came out with something stupid like saying "poor people don't drive".

Under this system we could also make any other contributions illegal. Thus politicians could spend less time whoring themselves out to the wealthy and big business might actually have to pay some tax.

Ultimately we might have government that serves the people, which would be a very pleasant change.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Bathtub safety

The threat of being killed by a terrorist is less than that of being killed by falling over in the bath. It does seem bewildering that we are taking extreme invasive measures to combat terrorism and none at all to combat bath deaths.

The cost of combating terrorism is not just billions of dollars. It now also involves the complete surrender of our privacy, with the government now legislating to hoover up all phone, email and internet data. If the government can do that surely they should also have a team of inspectors who are licensed to burst into your bathroom at any time to make sure you are using your bath in a correct manner.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Commemorating war

Whenever there is a commemoration of a war it is always very dignified, ordered and calm. It is so completely unlike war it always seems completely ridiculous to me.

If we want people to truly think what war was like maybe we should have commemorations which aren't so genteel. Just imagine if half way through the Last Post the bugler gets shot (theatrically of course) and as he is lying there all bloodied two other army dudes come along to drag him away. Then they get shot and one of them is screaming out in agony and the gathered crowd just has to wait and listen for the next two hours as he dies a slow death.

It would of course be horrible, but isn't that what we should be remembering?

All you ever hear is people talking about heroism and mateship and the founding of a nation. Why glorify it? Show people a video of a grieving mother who has just lost all her sons. Show them a video of a surgeon unsuccessfully trying to stem the bleeding from shrapnel wounds. Show them a cute puppy jumping on a land mine if that's what it takes.

For some reason our leaders keep sending us to wars. Maybe if our commemorations were a little less dignified and a lot more fucked up they might think about it a little differently.


I really can't quite fathom why some people pay stupid amounts of money for a really fast car when all they are buying is frustration. When a vehicle has a top steep of 300 km/h there is hell of a lot of those kilometres an hour you will never get to use. I ride past Ferraris on my bike and the people in the people in them are miserable. It's understandable - they are going 290 kilometres an hour slower than they could be potentially going. Idiots...

If these people had one wish they would all wish for a massive dick. They would then get a dick that was so big no one would ever want to have sex with them. Forlornly they would then walk around, dragging their big massive wangs along the ground, and I would laugh at them the way I laugh when I see rich wankers in stupidly fast cars.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Cold hard cash

People always get excited about cold hard cash but I much prefer warm, bendy cash. There is something special about going to the ATM and getting fresh notes out that are all crisp and warm - it's a bit like getting bread from the bakery in the morning.

When I think of cold hard cash I think of coins which have been dropped in a fountain which some bum is wading through on a winter's night in order to scrape together enough for some goon. While his piles of twenty cent coins are indeed fat stacks of cold hard cash, this man is not rich.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

My car is boring. Your car is boring.

I think car makers have some conspiracy where they make cars so boring no one will ever feel that much love for them. By fostering such boredom they hope we will quickly desire something new.

If you look at the interior of just about every car it is grey. No one feels a special kinship with grey, unless of course, they are a miserable bastard.

Personally I would like a Hawaiian print all over the interior of my car. Seeing lots of hula girls would make me happy every time I get in. I imagine others might like to have glow in the dark stars, leopard skin or Hello Kitty everywhere.

Look at the way Indian buses are decorated. They are completely fantabulous. I'm sure the guy who owns this bus loves it in a way no one has ever loved a Toyota Corolla.

I'm lazy and don't want to put in the work this guy has obviously put in, so I keep just waiting for Exhibit (possibly not the correct rapper spelling) to knock on my door and tell me he is going to pimp my ride. There is only a fairly remote chance of this considering the show is American and  I'm not sure they even make it any more.

Even if they did make a show featuring my 2006 Mazda 3 I'd probably mess up the whole black handshake thing and then they would probably do something hideous with the car and rather than be excited I'd be asking why I have bogan flames down the side of the car and why is there a big tv screen and subwoofer taking up the space in boot where I used to fit my golf clubs? It would be a disaster.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Look at that bad man

When everyone hates you it helps to have someone everyone is going to hate more. Enter Vladimir Putin.

Let's face it - there are only so many things people can be enraged about at once and holding people captive at sea for weeks doesn't seem so bad when someone else is shooting down commercial airliners.

You can't get away with all sorts of stuff when someone else is being a little more evil.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Museum of ideas

Art museums are generally shit. People stare at some pictures on the wall, keep their mouths shut and leave feeling just as uninspired as when they went in. They may have seen something that was pretty, or well done, or something which hinted at an idea. Rarely however will they see something that provokes a debate or any response much bigger than a semi-arched eyebrow.

The major problem is that visual art is a cumbersome way of expressing an idea. That's why we invented words.

The other factor is that the only work that makes its way into an art museum is from people who call themselves artists. Artists are often pretentious wankers who explore the exact same ideas that other pretentious artists wankers from history have already explored.  They are then too piss-weak to even say what their ideas are, hiding their message in some vague symbolism and saying that it is up to the audience to interpret it.

My proposal is to do away with the whole annoying art bit that makes art galleries so dull. Ideas are always the most exciting bit, so why not make them the feature of a museum?

The more provocative the better. Hopefully people would visit, read the ideas on the wall, then  have an argument and break up with the person they came there with. At the very least it should be interesting enough to take their minds in different directions, so they are forced to think of something other than where they will get their next coffee or what phone they are going to buy.

It would also become far more democratic. Rather than just "artists" being exhibited, you could feature the ideas of Gary the plumber, Fred the baker or Gwenda the prostitute. One week it could showcase the ideas of taxi drivers, the next week it could be the ideas of seven year old girls.

The topics could change every week, giving the opportunity for fresh controversies and a reason for people to keep going back.

And lastly, because there would be no need to purchase stupidly expensive artworks it would cost bugger all to set up and run.

It's just an idea.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Kill all smooth peanut butter eaters

If I were very wealthy I would start a campaign to demonise all smooth peanut butter eaters. I'd say all sorts of bad shit about them. For example - Smooth peanut butter eaters also eat babies. Smooth peanut butter eaters have weapons of mass destruction. Smooth peanut butter eaters rape you and give you AIDS.

I would warn all those good crunchy peanut butter eaters about this insidious opposing group and all the evils they are responsible for. I would start an army that goes door to door and rips apart kitchens in search of jars of smooth peanut butter. The army would tie people up and force feed them peanut butter until they dobbed in others.

Hopefully with this ridiculousness I would make my point and people would make the cognitive leap which has so far not been made in every war zone currently festering.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

The problem with diving

I love watching diving at the Olympics but there is one thing that has always annoyed me - and that is the fact that pre-pubescent Chinese girls tend to have an unfair advantage. Much of the judging seems to revolve around the size of the splash made. For girls who are shaped like a chopstick a perfect entry is a lot easier than for the girls who have hips and boobs.

My suggestion would be to incorporate into the degree of difficulty some sort of handicapping based on bra size. This would at least give the chunky Canadian chick a chance. Failing that they could make the last compulsory dive a bomb where the object is to dislodge as much water as possible. Just imagine having the Aussie 30 points behind going into the last round but pulling out a massive bomb to win - there wouldn't be a better gold medal ever!

Friday, July 11, 2014

How Celine Dion can bring peace to the Middle East

If the leaders of Israel and Palestine happen to be reading this blog here are a few helpful suggestions.

Instead of burning a child alive you could buy that child an ice cream. Instead of firing rockets over the wall you could use those fireworks where the love hearts pop out at the end.

And wouldn’t it be much nicer to get out of that big scary tank and ride a pretty bike with streamers on the handles? While you are at it you could get out of those hideous military fatigues and slip into a nice paisley shirt or a lovely floral dress.

Perhaps instead of those ugly ten metre tall walls with snipers on the top you could just have a row of daisies to designate the border.

You could replace rocks with confetti, machine guns with bubble guns and bazookas with boom boxes that blast out Celine Dion. Everyone hates Celine Dion and that would give you some common ground to bond over. 

Sure it may all sound ridiculous but I'm sure all these suggestions beat being complete fuckwits forevermore. What's the point of having your own land if you turn it into a violent shithole?

Friday, July 4, 2014


Coles recently got fined for par-baking bread in Ireland, importing it in Australia, putting it in the oven for 5 minutes and claiming it is freshly baked. While the deceptive advertising is a little disturbing, the more disturbing aspect is that we are importing bread all the way from Ireland.

How ridiculously uncompetitive must we be if its cheaper to fly bread from the other side of the world? Seriously, you get flour, water and salt, knead it a little and stick it in the oven. It's not complex manufacturing. What is our future if we can't make bread. We're bloody-well doomed.

17th century rap videos

I was walking through the Louvre looking at all these old paintings and it struck me how indulgence was celebrated a few hundred years back. All these pictures had lavish feasts, with every type of dead animal, as well as fruit and wine and whole lot of nude shapely woman just lolling about. Everyone was having a grand time and no one looked like they were dieting or busy responding to a mobile phone message from work. Some rich bloke had obviously just said "I am going to have the most awesome picnic ever and I am going to get a painter to document the whole fabulous thing. Rah".

Then it struck me. These paintings are just seventeenth century rap videos. The abundance of curvy women, the celebration of being stupidly wealthy and hedonistic - it was all there.

As much as I am not really a fan of rap videos I do like the fact that the rappers seem to be enjoying themselves. Too often in our society the only thing that is celebrated is denial.

Look at the scarily skinny bitches we hold up to be the ideal of female beauty. The primary reason these models are admired seems to be there ability to deny themselves anything more than one stick of celery a week.

People deny themselves free time and are held up to be awesome because they are such hard workers. Women deny themselves sex and are held up to be virtuous and somehow more desirable. People deny themselves the freedom to smile in public for the fear others might think they are fucking nuts.

Society seems to want us to live dull, pathetic lives of restraint and denial until we die at age 110 with well maintained teeth, a healthy liver and a little left over in our superannuation accounts.

Eat, fuck, enjoy yourself. Go home early. Spend your money on something stupid. Live goddamn it - LIVE!

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Free Parking

When you play Monopoly and land on the Free Parking square you generally don't get that excited. But you should.

Parking is really bloody expensive when you are dealing with a monopoly. It's so expensive the Sydney Airport Corporation made $119 million from parking in 2012.

To park your car overnight at the airport it currently costs $112. That's a rather stupid amount to hire a 15 square metre bit of concrete. I've paid less for hotel rooms three times the size that come with complimentary toiletries, tea bags and other awesome things like walls and a bed.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

We need the Germans to fight for us

Most Aussies are used to getting fucked by the government. Most just bend over and take it. Our efforts at protest are generally quite feeble and ineffective. Thank god we have the Germans on our side.

Today Deutsche Bank pulled out of a deal to build a massive coal port on the edge of the Great Barrier Reef, due in large part to the 180,000 Germans who petitioned against it. What were we doing here? No one asked me to sign anything.

Students in Germany have  been the beneficiaries of their own awesome protesting skills. Despite the government changing the laws to allow fees in 2006, the level of protest has meant the measures have now been overturned. Our student protest have never been quite that effective and as a result most tertiary educated people will be living off home brand instant noodles until they are well in to their 40's. 

If Australia is ever going to get what we really need some more Germans. We need people to say "dus ist nein gut!" We need passionate people with names like Hans and Hilda to beat our politicians into submission with various types of wurst. We need all the Mercedes and BMWs to be secretly built as Transformers so they can turn into awesome robots programmed to destroy Abbott, Hockey, Pyne and all the other useless lying bastards in Canberra.

Monday, May 19, 2014

The Force

In the budget the government has continued funding for the school chaplaincy program, but excluded people who are actually qualified to help, such as professional counselors or psychologists. Unless you have a religious agenda to impose you are out of there.

I think there is a way around this problem though. At the last census 70,000 Australians listed their religion as Jedi. If I was a headmaster employing a counselor I'd tell the government that they were a Jedi. If they didn't like that I'd use the force.

Fuck apple

In the budget there has been lots of talk about "sharing the pain" and "doing the heavy lifting", which are euphemistic ways of telling everyone they are about to fiscally fisted. But rather than go after pensioners, the disabled, students and anyone who shops at Lowes why aren't they going after the most profitable company in the world?

A recent analysis showed Apple paid just $193 million dollars on $27 billion dollars of revenue in Australia. That's just 0.7% of its turnover. Given the corporate tax rate is 30% something is a little bit amiss there. Meanwhile the government stands by  like they are watching a magician perform this neat accounting trick. Mesmerised they look on as the billions continues to disappear.  

It is not just Apple ripping money out of Australia to their favourite foreign tax havens. Pretty much every multi-national is doing the same thing. Rather than fight with the big bullies we have decided to beat up on the most in need. 

I'm particularly disturbed by the cut in foreign aid. How do you explain to someone that they can't have a life saving injection because Apple wanted to pay less tax on an iPad? Are we really going to tell people "sorry  a tsunami wiped your village away but because of our inaction on Google's sophisticated transfer pricing arrangements, you're on your own"?  

I know it has bugger all chance of happening but I would also like to see the miners do some heavy lifting. They have massive Tonka trucks purpose built for the job, filled with fuel they don't pay tax on. While we all wish Gina would put more in the kitty and less in her pie hole, 85% of the industry is foreign owned. Taxing wealthy foreigners seems like a reasonable plan to me. It shouldn't even cause a voter backlash because foreigners don't vote.

If we want to save some more money perhaps we could scrap the overpriced penis extensions (you know, those $24 billion fighter jets). Or maybe we could stop paying religious organisations currently being investigated for their widespread sexual abuse of children, to have their representatives in our secular schools

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The big decision

When I was in my twenties I went for months unemployed. Luckily I lived with my parents so I could live pretty happily without getting the dole.

But what if I was in my twenties now, was unemployed and couldn't rely on my parents for food and shelter? Would I survive by stealing, selling drugs or selling my arse?

Theft is hard because big screen TVs are really bloody big these days and it is awkward carrying them around - especially if you can't afford a car or the petrol that goes in it. Thanks to cheap Chinese manufacturing electronic goods also have very little resale value.

Being a drug dealer is probably not too bad. All you need are some tracky-daks, a bum bag and an old Nokia. You do have to deal with druggies though. Ice is seemingly the most popular drug at the moment and it tends to make its users paranoid and violent. It's not really very good safety wise.

Prostitution is the oldest way of making money but it is a rather drastic step. I know lots of people go for bum sex but it is not really what that orifice's anatomical function is and I can imagine there being significant potential for damage. It is bad enough getting fucked over by the government without actually having to get fucked over.

I could try busking but I don't really have any discernible talents. Potentially I could be one of those annoying squeegee people at the traffic lights, but then I'd hate myself more than if I was a parking inspector.

I think my best option would be to get a monkey that steals people's sunglasses and then charge the victims a fee for me to get them back. It works in many other countries and aside from our lack of monkeys I don't see why it couldn't work here.  

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Fair trade cocaine

There are a lot of people who won't buy Nike shoes because they are made in a sweatshop. They won't buy cage eggs because they are so cruel. They will willingly stump up an extra fifty cents for a cup of fair trade coffee so they can be sure a little old man in Costa Rica is not being exploited.

Whether people really give a shit about any of these things is debatable. Mostly they care about their personal brand. They don't want to be seen as cruel, capitalist bastards who heartlessly imprison chooks and exploit cheap labour in order to sate their voracious consumerist appetites.

This type of behaviour is most apparent among trendy inner city wankers. Paradoxically, trendy inner city wankers are probably the segment of society most likely to be consumers of cocaine. Apparently when it you put a little nose candy in front of these people they become instantly blind to all ethical concerns.

If someone is willing to boycott Nike why not a drug cartel? Mass murder, kidnapping, extortion, human trafficking and forced prostitution are fairly common business practices among the producers and distributors of the white stuff.

There are also other ethical concerns. Like McDonalds cuts down rainforests for beef production, drug cartels tend to cut down large amounts of forest for coca production. That's not very green.

Drug cartels also pay even less tax than Gina Rinehart, whilst costing the government billions of dollars for public health, border protection, policing, as well as the prosecution and incarceration of criminals. They are not what I would rate as solid corporate citizens.

Perhaps we need a public education campaign which goes beyond the boring "drugs are bad" message. If people seriously considered the ethics of  what they were doing maybe there would be less shit going up their noses.

Or perhaps we just need fair trade cocaine.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Crime and punishment

When James Packer and David Gyngell belted each other in the head they each got fined $500. Fining a multi-billionaire like Packer this amount is comparable to fining this average person five cents. It is as stupid as belting someone in the head.

In one of those forward-thinking Nordic countries they have identified this stupidity and rectified it. Go over the speed limit in Norway  (or maybe it's Sweden or Switzerland) and your income will be examined to see just how big the fine should be.

I don't think money is enough though. Packer should have to go without something. Perhaps he should have to catch public transport for a month while regular commuters from Rooty Hill get a lift to work in his chauffeur driven car. Or maybe he should have to go without his helicopter while it is used to give old people from nursing homes joy rides.

Perhaps he could be legally made to only drink cask wine while homeless people get to drink his Grange. Or maybe he should have to give up having sex with supermodels and instead pass them on to other fat, ugly middle-aged blokes who were previously denied the opportunity of bedding a supermodel for the simple fact that they didn't have enough zeroes on the end of their bank balance.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

12 billion bucks

I don't understand why it is a budget priority to suck America's cock. This is no doubt why we are buying ridiculously expensive war planes. But it is not just the cock-sucking or the ludicrous waste of money that is the problem.

The real problem with owning such fancy toys is that having spent so much money, people in power are then more inclined to use them. I can just imagine the call from the US President in a couple of years. "Hi little buddy, you've got some really fucking fancy planes just sitting there. How about we go bomb some shit?" I'm guessing that's pretty much what happened in the last couple of wars.

New Zealand has wisely avoided wasting too much money on stuff like this. As a result the US is generally happy if they contribute a few lamb roasts to any war effort.  

If we really do want to bomb some shit I also question whether we need planes which cost a few hundred million a pop. For just a few hundred bucks you can buy a drone from a hobby shop - strap some bombs to that and voila, you've just achieved the same goal.

As much as anyone dislikes terrorists, you would have to say they are getting far better bang for their buck than Western governments. When they want to blow something up they generally spend a little money on liquid fertiliser and a little more on a beat-up old van. That's way more economical than a $12 billion fleet of planes.

Thrifty, nimble terrorists are always pretty good at fighting big expensive war machines. They are pretty much like annoying flies buzzing around the room and we are like Chief Wiggum trying to shoot these flies with a gun. The result is lots of big holes in the wall and no reduction in flies.

Of course, people will tell us that the big threat we are guarding against is not terrorists but an invasion by China. Why would they bother invading us? They already own a good proportion of our country and they could easily buy the rest without the trouble of a war. We hardly even charge them any tax on what their state owned mining companies dig up.

If we are going to piss our money away let's not do it on fighter planes. We should choose something far more fun. I say we develop more giant sculptures like the big banana, but we make them really fucking big (like the Mona Lisa, the big banana is currently a bit of a disappointment). Let's make it 300 metres tall and put a slide down it. How brilliant would that be?

Then we could probably put a big cock in Canberra. Oh, that's right, we already did...

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Is there an app for that?

I was visiting Centennial Park today and there was a huge banner out the front advising me to "download our new iPhone app".

This led me to question "why the fuck would I need an app to visit a park?"

Does it contain advise on how to feed a duck? Does it tell me how to ride a bike around in circles? Does it tell me what to put in my fucking picnic basket?

I've got a better idea - if you are going to the park leave your stupid fucking iPhone behind. Enjoy nature, rather than staring at a stupid little screen, taking self-conscious selfies and posting them on social media so a whole lot of people you don't care about can see what a fucking awesome time you are having at the park.

Monday, April 7, 2014


Tony Abbott is now preventing public servants from issuing any criticism of the government. The major problem I see with this is not  that Tony Abbott is turning into Kim Jong Un but the fact that criticism should be welcomed.

Criticism is what makes thinks better. Conformity and sycophancy just don't have the same progressive effect. If I was just told that I was fucking awesome all the time I might still be playing the recorder and making people's ears bleed.

Even John Howard was willing to accept criticism. For years he was criticised for having ridiculously long eyebrows. Eventually he accepted that criticism and had them neatly trimmed. It was an improvement. There were a number of matters on which he probably should have taken far more notice of the critics, but at least he didn't attempt to shut them down altogether.

Fear of criticism can force people in power to do the right thing. It's a bit like having a conscience. When you remove the ability of people to criticise you, you remove this conscience. Chances are you then end up like every other dictator who has monumentally fucked up their country.

Free speech should not be a right reserved for bigots.

Sorry Tony, I'm not employed by the government so you can't fire me for saying this.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Value proposition

Would you rather spend $100 million dollars to locate 239 dead people or to allow 4 million blind people to see? Personally, I'd choose to restore people's sight.

The search for the Malaysian airlines plane is fucking expensive and has only a limited chance of success. The reasons so much money has been poured into it are:

1. Plane crashes attract a lot of cameras and when there are a lot of cameras politicians like to look like they are doing something.
2. The lawyers want to know who to sue and they can't really do that without finding the black box.
3. The military don't really have anything to do so sending planes and ships out into the Indian Ocean keeps them occupied.

The Fred Hollows Foundation says they can restore the sight of someone for $25. To me doing that for four million people seems like far more of a win than locating some wreckage at the bottom of the ocean.

Even if they do locate the wreckage it would be horrific if they attempt to recover the bodies. If I were a relative of the deceased I certainly would not want some robot drone clawing at their decomposed corpse.
Perhaps it is time we let the people on board the plane rest in peace and spend our money helping people who can actually be helped.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Outsourced pooches and pointless pain

Strolling through my local park I find it once again populated by the usual mix of personal trainers and professional dog walkers. In one corner people are running around with grim, pained expressions on their faces, clearly questioning what the hell they are doing there. They are there because they have already paid a man in short shorts a considerable amount to yell at them for ten one hour sessions.

It reminds me of footy training, just minus the fun or sense of future purpose. What exactly are they training for? There will be no tries scored. There will be no glorious victories. There will be no huddling around, loudly singing the team song in a change room filled with the heady aroma of mud, stale urine and tiger balm.

Sure, some may achieve a vain goal of becoming a tad less tubby but we all know those few kilos will be quickly put back on. Soon the weather will grow colder and hiding under a doona will become a far more attractive proposition than being yelled out by a man in short shorts. It is the very definition of a pointless exercise.

Meanwhile the car park is rapidly filling up with the vans of the professional dog walkers. The precious pups of the rich and lazy quickly jump out, all eager to be in an environment where they won’t get told off for peeing on expensive furnishings.

It seems a little odd. Surely one of the primary reasons for owning a dog is the joy of going for walks with it. You breathe the fresh air, you get some exercise and you get to know the neighbours as their dogs try awkwardly to mount your dachshund.

Perhaps these absent dog owners are too posh to throw slobbery sticks and pick up poo. Maybe they are just working too many hours so they can afford to pay for all those modern day necessities like the dog walker, the mobile dog groomer and the car wash place which serves lattes whilst vacuuming up all the dog hair.   

While such outsourcing is now commonplace, brutal cost cutting is also a growing trend. In this light, I believe there is a way to stop people from unnecessarily dolling out dosh for personal trainers and professional dog walkers.

Surely a free service could be developed which matches people who want exercise with dogs in need of a walk. Very unfit people could start by borrowing a fat Labrador and gradually work their way up to running beside a greyhound. It would be fantastic. The dogs would get walked, people would get fit and my park could once again be a park, rather than a place of business.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Size 35

I have previously blogged about the annoyance of having a 35 inch waist and having to squeeze in to stupidly tight 34 inch pants or get 36 inch pants that instantly fall down and expose my hairy arse crack. Buy a belt people say, but surely in this age of technology we can do better than punching a few holes in a strip of dead cow and strapping it around us.Go on a diet people say, but that would deprive me of one of the main joys of life and would only work for two months before I cleaned out an entire bakery and be faced with the same problem. Surely we can just have pants that fit.

I want to start a clothing label for all those many people who are in between sizes. I will  sell 35 inch pants and size 11 dresses. People will finally feel comfortable and I will become ridiculously rich and buy a stupidly large boat that I never use.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I'll take one

Transfield has just been awarded a $1.2 billion contract to run our overseas detention centres. That works out at more than $1000 per detainee, per day. So Tony, if you happen to be reading this how about I do you a deal. I'll take one of those refugees for the budget price of just $500 a day. He can be my personal butler and live in my spare room. I wouldn't shoot him so you could save yourself some embarrassment. You'd save loads of taxpayers' money and I would get rich. Everyone wins!

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Stem cells

I am a little confused why the church is so opposed to creation through stem cells. If you go back to what they regard as the beginning of civilisation you will find Eve was created from Adam's rib. I'm guessing God basically extracted some stem cells from there and put some rapid grow formula on them so she'd get bigger really quick. What's wrong with scientists following in God's footsteps? Does God even have footsteps? I imagine he is more of a floating creature but he could probably take on different forms like in Terminator 3. Anyway, from what I gather the church seems to be quite against people enjoying rumpy pumpy and tells everyone that they were created in sin. Why not have them created in a laboratory instead? It seems quite contrary to me. But apparently Mary was quite contrary and maybe that is something that runs in the family. I wonder however if her traits got carried on considering Jesus was immaculately conceived. Was half of the genetic makeup Mary's or was it all God's? Which raises another point - if anyone is against implanting things in people's wombs it surely shouldn't be the church. That would be incredibly hypocritical, but I guess they are known for that with all the child molestation and the accumulation of massive amounts of wealth...