Thursday, April 28, 2011

Getting your priorities in order

I've always admired Irish rugby player Brian O'Driscoll but he has just gone up even further in my estimation. The dude declined an invitation to the royal wedding because he has got footy training on. Awesome.

Thorpie should take a leaf out of Brian's book. Put away the tux, pull the speedos over your oversized posterior and get back in the pool you pearl wearing wanker. Do Australia proud.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Kick 'em while they are down

I saw this advertisement at the Big Bear Shopping Centre. Unfortunately it was positioned directly in front of the handicapped car space. If I didn't have legs I wouldn't be impressed.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

torture buns

While chowing down on a hot cross bun the other day I started to think, isn't this a bit frickin weird? I mean, how did it come to be that we celebrate Easter by eating spicy fruit buns decorated with an instrument of torture?

I guess it all started with a marketing meeting between the disciples where they brainstormed a logo for the church. I imagine it went something like this:

How about a glass of water that turns into wine?
I like it but how the hell are we going to print that? We don't have magic ink that goes from clear to red.

Ok, How about one of the other miracles then? What about a loaf and a fish?
I don't really know if people like fish sandwiches all that much. Maybe we could just do a fish? I find fish really hard to draw though so maybe we could just do a really simple fish.

Dunno, sounds okay but maybe we should just save that as a secondary symbol that people put on the back of their Carollas.
What the fuck is a Carolla?

Maybe we could do a star?
The Jews already have that.
Yeah but maybe we could paint the middle bit in red like New Zealand.
What the fuck is New Zealand?

Fuck it, let's just do a cross?
Isn't that a bit morbid?
Yeah but it is bloody easy to draw. it's settled, we're having a cross. Now go make me some spicy buns.

flat tops

I've seen a lot of ironic 90's undercuts happening lately but I'm really keen for people to get back to the flat top. At high school my mate Joel had a flat top that was so perfect as to be mesmerising. I couldn't look the dude in the eye because I was always looking at the perfectly flat form of his head. (For this reason I've never felt too guilty when my eye gets drawn to cleavage - I simply appreciate geometry). His hair was always immaculately gelled and the straight flat form reminded me of a miniature aircraft carrier.

Monday, April 18, 2011

My email to Sorbent

It seems really strange you guys make toilet paper with little sea shells and seahorses printed on it. I've been swimming in the ocean and had little shells go down my swimmers - they were really scratchy. Seahorses are also quite rough with all these little spines that poke out. When I see them on the toilet paper it makes my lower regions nervous. I think you should change your toilet paper so it has tigers on it. Tigers are way softer than seahorses and they look way cooler too.

Thank you for your e-mail regarding Sorbent toilet paper, we always appreciate hearing from our customers.

This is great feedback, and something I will certainly pass onto our Sorbent Marketing department.

Thank you once again for taking the time to contact us and share your concerns. If you have any further comments or queries, please do not hesitate to contact us on Ph: 1800 806 832.

Kind regards

Jessica Mahon
SCA Consumer Care


It was great feedback. I hope the marketing department get on to this immediately.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Why I hate going out for breakfast

Every weekend cafes are crowded with wankers having breakfast and when I'm forced to be one of them it annoys me greatly on a number of levels.

1. The waste of time factor - Weekend hours are precious so I'd like to spend them doing something mega fun such as thrashing my mountain bike, not driving to some cafe, waiting for some useless pimply kid to take my order and then waiting another half an hour for something to arrive that would take me three minutes were I to cook it myself. People normally book breakfast for about 10.00 which means I have breakfast at home beforehand because I just can't wait that long. It kind of makes going out for breakfast redundant.

2. The waste of money factor - I'll happily pay a premium to eat things that would be really difficult for me to cook myself but why spend up big for a fry up? Fuck your $6 orange juices. Fuck your so called big breakfast with the skimpy amount of bacon and cold toast. Why the hell is anyone ordering a $14 muesli? Fuck that too.

3. The child factor - They are an inevitable presence at any breakfast outing and when a child is stuffing a strawberry up their nose, flinging cutlery or screaming uncontrollably because their babycino isn't just the way they like it, it is really hard to win the attention of the table. I could be the most witty person in the world yet what mother is going to listen to me when their little terror is slapping yoghurt in their hair?

4. The alcohol factor - Not only must I put up with children at breakfast I must do so without the numbing effects of alcohol. Until it becomes socially acceptable to drink in the am I'm not accepting any further breakfast invitations.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


People tend to talk about being inspired by greatness. I however am way more inspired by things that are a bit shit, because it's only when something crap succeeds I find myself thinking "wow, I could do way better than that - maybe I should."

When people look at a Jackson Pollock painting they all think the same thing. "that dude just randomly threw some paint around and it's worth millions of dollars - maybe I should try that."

When I watch Iain Hewitson I am inspired to host my own cooking show because it seriously couldn't be any crapper than Huey's Cooking Adventures. And how many people have watched Hey Hey it's Saturday and decided that they could be ten million times better than Daryl Somers at hosting a TV show?

When I watch Warnie bowl I think I could never do that. Watch Nathan Hauritz however and I find myself thinking if that pie chucker can get himself a baggy green I should probably go practice my spin bowling right now.

Now people can succeed despite not having any discernible talent whatsoever. Paris Hilton was projected to fame by looking slightly bored in a home made porno and right away a whole slew of vacuous young skanks were inspired. They realised that they didn't need talent. They just needed a publicist, a famous boyfriend, a DIY conviction, a few visits to rehab and maybe their own reality TV show.

So if you are looking for inspiration stay well clear of the truly talented - they will just put you off. Check out the crap and they'll give you confidence that anything is possible.

Monday, April 11, 2011


This whole pokie pre-commitment card thing seems like a complex solution when a far more simple thing would work.

One option would be to go back to having pokies with an arm you pull down. In this way peoples' arms would get sore after a while and they would have to stop feeding their grocery money to the machines. I don't know if it would be 100% effective though. It could just result in a whole lot of problem gambler pensioners with big guns.

The best solution would be to combine pokies with treadmills. The pace would gradually crank up so the pokie addicts would have to continually pick up their pace to avoid falling arse backwards onto the luridly coloured carpet. Only Steve Moneghetti would have the stamina to lose any serious dosh. The best part of the plan is that that the loss in poker machine revenue would be offset by getting formerly sedentary pokie players fitter and creating a lower strain on our health care system.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Making Formula 1 more exciting

I can get excited about pretty much any sport except for Formula 1 racing. The cars just go round and round and round while I sit there hoping to God there will be a crash. It's not that I want bad stuff to happen to the drivers, it's just that watching 100 laps of a car not crashing is really frickin dull.

To improve Formula 1 I would introduce a number of obstacles themed to each track. In Australia I'd release a whole lot of kangaroos, emus and wombats to dodge. In Spain I'd release a whole lot of bulls Pampalona style, while in Brazil they would all have to overtake massive Carnivale floats. For the British Grand Prix I'd just let loose a whole lot of drunken football hooligans. It would be a better spectacle and a better test of driver skill.

On every track I'd also have a loop the loop section like my brother and I had on our Scalextric set - that was wicked.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Thinking as punishment

It used to be that if you put snails down your sister's dress and squashed them your parents would give you a smack. It was fair enough and you could always tell how bad a thing you had done by how hard you were smacked (or by the implement chosen to smack you with). Somewhere along the line however parenting got all PC and the punishment of smacking was replaced with the punishment of having the child stand in the corner and think about what they had done. I believe this is why so many Gen Yers have turned out as mindless wankers.

When you make thinking a punishment it's natural kids will be far less likely to want to do it of their own accord. That's why you never see any Gen Y person just sitting in a quiet corner thinking. Instead they have wholeheartedly embraced facebook, twitter and any other distraction that means they won't have to spend time alone with their thoughts.

I put this theory out there not to castigate our youth but so that the next time you receive a tweet from some youngster describing what a fantastic crap they are in the process of doing you may understand why they are like that.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

misplaced happiness

"we're all going on a summer holiday". No we are fucking not. It's autumn, I'm in Woolworths and I'm trying to decide between frangipani, sandalwood and jasmine or ylang ylang and vanilla hand wash. I don't even know what the fuck a ylang ylang is. And how is body wash different from hand wash? And why can't we just use normal soap? Let's get rid of these 60 racks of specially formulated bullshit and just have bars of Sunlight soap for when you are feeling a bit povo and Imperial Leather for when you are feeling posh. And let's have it without fucking Cliff Richard reminding me that my next holiday is nine months away.

Super happiness should not be thrust upon anyone. When I see those commercials with the super smiley people dancing around with their big red hands singing about how prices are down it doesn't make me feel happy. It mostly makes me want to hit them in the teeth. It also makes me sad that the actors had to give up that little bit of their soul to earn a few bucks that they will end up spending at a cut-price liquor store owned by the same corporation as they develop inevitable alcohol abuse problems following merciless teasing from anyone who knows them.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

TV news doesn't need sound

I like to get rid of all the blah blah blah on the news by muting the sound and watching the pictures to the sound of my favourite music. It makes the whole world a lot simpler and nicer. Tonight there are some things which are happy like a dog getting a bravery award for its work in Afghanistan and another dog getting rescued from the rooftop of some tsunami-wrecked house floating of the Japanese coast. Then there were not so happy stories about people firing weapons at other people in Libya and Ivory Coast. It will probably take a while but I'm betting these situations will eventually work themselves out and we'll get some happy stories about a Labrador being installed as the Libyan President or something. SBS news is the best. They have cool graphics and better clothes.

A reminder of failure

Even weeks and months after elections the streets remain lined with placards placed high up on telegraph poles showing the ugly mugs of candidates who failed. How depressing must it be for those beaten people driving down those streets seeing that once optimistic face staring back at them - a sad reminder that they just aren't popular enough.

The problem is at this stage most of them can't handle spending weeks climbing up ladders to take the placards down. It's depressing and they've got other things to do like look for a new job. They've also run out of funds to pay someone else to do it so barring a cyclone the stupid things just don't come down.

I think we need signs that self-destruct in the same way as the messages Maxwell Smart got. As soon as the election is finished POOF!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Old people should be more adventurous

When you are old you don't have to worry about what your boss thinks - you are retired. You don't have to worry about what your parents think - they are dead. You don't even have to worry what society thinks - you are allowed to be a little eccentric. So how come most old people dress in the most boring outfits and don't do anything more exciting than lawn bowls? I plan on starting a rock band when I'm 80. I am going to get around in a pink tux and have a white snake draped around my shoulders. Hopefully I can grow one of those curly moustaches by then.

Turtle Head

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are dying for a number two and you just can't find a place to do it? I hate those dreams. Last night I had one where I was coming across all these toilets that were broken down, indescribably filthy, open to public view or really good but filled with handicapped people. Eventually I found myself in a cinema which was a great relief because they always have toilets. I saw one of the cinema workers skulking around in the corner and asked him where the gents was. He said they were closed for cleaning for the next fifteen minutes and then I looked down and saw he was masturbating. He obviously couldn't wait either. I then made a mental note to write to Hoyts complaining about their lack of toilet facilities, their masturbating ushers and of course their outrageous ticket prices.

Soon after I woke up and realised an awesome toilet was just metres away. I think I might still write that letter though.