Sunday, April 17, 2011

Why I hate going out for breakfast

Every weekend cafes are crowded with wankers having breakfast and when I'm forced to be one of them it annoys me greatly on a number of levels.

1. The waste of time factor - Weekend hours are precious so I'd like to spend them doing something mega fun such as thrashing my mountain bike, not driving to some cafe, waiting for some useless pimply kid to take my order and then waiting another half an hour for something to arrive that would take me three minutes were I to cook it myself. People normally book breakfast for about 10.00 which means I have breakfast at home beforehand because I just can't wait that long. It kind of makes going out for breakfast redundant.

2. The waste of money factor - I'll happily pay a premium to eat things that would be really difficult for me to cook myself but why spend up big for a fry up? Fuck your $6 orange juices. Fuck your so called big breakfast with the skimpy amount of bacon and cold toast. Why the hell is anyone ordering a $14 muesli? Fuck that too.

3. The child factor - They are an inevitable presence at any breakfast outing and when a child is stuffing a strawberry up their nose, flinging cutlery or screaming uncontrollably because their babycino isn't just the way they like it, it is really hard to win the attention of the table. I could be the most witty person in the world yet what mother is going to listen to me when their little terror is slapping yoghurt in their hair?

4. The alcohol factor - Not only must I put up with children at breakfast I must do so without the numbing effects of alcohol. Until it becomes socially acceptable to drink in the am I'm not accepting any further breakfast invitations.

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