Annoying Apple

I just sent this email to the product development people at iPhone. Hopefully they can come up with something.

I am hoping you can help me with a problem that I have long had with my phone. You see, I like to wear skinny jeans but when I put my wallet and keys in the pockets I just can’t cram a phone in there without walking funny.

I developed a really good solution to this problem when I strapped the phone to my pet parrot Percy. I would walk down the street and Percy would fly above me or perch on my shoulder carrying my phone. When I sat in the beer garden of the pub he would perch in the tree above and when the phone rang he would fly down so I could answer it. It worked really well. After a bit of training I got Percy to the point where he could answer the phone and repeat what the person on the other end was saying. I’d hear him say “Frosty here, wanna play golf?” or some such and I would yell out “yeah mate” and then Percy would repeat it then hang up. This worked out well for me because I like short conversations. It also worked out much better for Percy because he was quite old and flying up and down from the tree made him tired, especially with the extra weight of the phone.

Sadly one day when we were coming back from the pub a big mean alley cat spied Percy and decided to have a swipe at him. Percy started to fly away but because of the weight of the phone he couldn’t really go that fast or high and the alley cat attacked him, killing him and getting blood and feathers all over my phone.

I was thinking that perhaps you guys could build a flying phone so that I can still wear my skinny jeans and not have to carry my phone. Or maybe you can just build a lighter phone that’s easier for a bird to carry.

The Spit Bridge

I had to wait today for the Spit Bridge to open and let all the rick wankers in their fancypants yachts motor through. It annoyed me and I thought there has to be a better way. The obvious solution is to build another bridge which is taller but I'm sure that's going to be way hard and expensive.

What I think would be better is to install a massive fan underneath the bridge and make all the wanker yachties actually put up their sails and sail underneath it. The massive fan would force the yachts to go over on an angle thus allowing them to pass safely underneath the bridge. The wankers would have some fun and I could drive without stopping for them.

LFL

Let's face it - women's sport is generally pretty second rate and that's why it never gets any ratings on tv. Watching an ad on Fuel Sport I did however notice a concept in women's sport that intrigued me deeply.

The Lingerie Football League is pure brilliance. Hot chicks not wearing much, playing a contact sport - I think I can get into that. I just don't know who to support. San Diego Seduction, Dallas Desire or maybe Orlando Fantasy?

People may think the whole thing is sexist but I believe it is quite empowering. Instead of wearing a skimpy outfit and cheering on the boys, the girls get to wear a skimpy outfit and actually compete.

I'd quite like to see Caster Semenya get a go in the LFL. Sure she may not be 100% female but she'd be fucking quick and she would bring the sport to the attention of a wider international audience.

Frickin bike shop

My mountain bike has been in the shop for a week and a half because they can't find a little tiny bolt that holds the brake pads in. Now I won't be able to go riding on the weekend and will probably have to do something crap like clean the house or go to the shops. Stupid bolt. You suck.

It's nice

Back in my early teen years Basic Instict came out on VHS. Being pubescent I was naturally curious about what was on display in the infamous leg uncrossing scene. As such I waited for the exact right moment, pressed pause, squinted and tried to work out what the hell was in that blurry region. Eventually I gave up.

Today however Basic Instict came on Foxtel and as I looked at the large screen high definition LCD you could actually work out a whole lot more. Amazing.

Kids are pretty spoiled these days. Not only do they get to see Sharon's pussy clearer, they get video porn online whenever they want. When they actually want to communicate with real girls, they also don't have to stand with a shaky hand dialling the home phone and then having her dad ask twenty questions. I hate young people.

Alternate uses for exercise bikes

I love the fact that Carl Williams was murdered with an exercise bike. I thought you could only use exercise bikes in one way, but no. I reckon it would of used up a fair few calories to beat the shit out of someone with a heavy piece of equipment. It probably also gave more of a whole body workout. I guess the only problem is that the exercise bike is then likely to be taken away as evidence. They are probably unlikely to buy a replacement one either so you'd probably have to start murdering with the treadmill which would be way more awkward.

I'd like to see a new version of Cluedo where an exercise bike is one of the potential murder weapons.

Greatest Hits of Art

I was down in Canberra on the weekend and there were thousands of people queued up to see the works of some famous dead French men. This disappointed me immensely.

The fact is dudes like Van Gogh and Monet have been hogging the limelight for way too long. People aren’t going to see their paintings for any other reason but the fact that they have been told that their art is important. Art should never be important. The message an artwork conveys may have a degree of importance but sometimes a picture of a vase of flowers is just a picture of a vase of flowers. Should someone being shelling out $90 million for it? To me none of the artworks in that exhibition say anything other than the fact that we are more concerned with fame than any degree of revelation. It is a fucking greatest hits collection.

I think we should have a gallery where signed works are not permitted. No artist is important. No famous name will get you hung. If you produce an artwork that is amazing it gets in there. Crap Picasso’s don’t.

People go to Paris and are universally disappointed by the Mona Lisa. That’s because it is a ridiculously over-hyped picture of some ugly chick. If you want to see an amazing picture at the Louvre Check out Raft of the Medusa. It’s epic and you won’t have to battle the crowds to see it. The favourite artwork I saw in Paris was however at the Centre Pompidou. It was of a donkey on a boat in the middle of a lake. I don’t know who the artist was but he/she is someone brilliant. As well as being visually striking the work raises so many questions. How did the donkey get on the boat? Does the donkey realise he’s potentially quite fucked? Is the donkey annoyed that his hooves are too cumbersome to operate the outboard motor? Now that’s art.

To God we are just telemarketers

It annoys me when telemarketers ring me up during the middle of the day and then ask me to donate to some charity. So how annoying must it be for God to have billions of people praying to him every day, asking for stuff? Can you stop this famine? Can you restore my sight? Can you prevent my daughter from becoming a crack whore? It must never end.

Really, it’s no wonder he never responds any more. He’s probably having a great time up in heaven playing nude twister with supermodels or something and people keep trying to disrupt him. I reckon that we should all just stop praying and give the poor dude a break.

Wow. While searching for telemarketer images I found one of a guy on a barcycle with a generator. Awesome.

Rocketcar Day

I used to think Christmas was pretty good. I also really looked forward to my birthday. Now however I have a new favourite day of the year.

Today while walking home from Marrickville with piles of shopping (including a massive Moreton Bay bug and a bottle Gelignite Jack’s Dynamite Dishwashing Liquid) we stumbled across Roacketcar Day. Rocketcar Day is awesome. For starters it involves rocketcars and by their very nature rocketcars have to be awesome. If you say to someone “want to see my rocketcar?” they’re going to want see your rocketcar – unless they are some kind of stuck up bitch.


The rocketcars come in an absolutely awesome array of designs. You may think I am using the word awesome a bit liberally but these rocketcars really were pretty damn awesome. There were Easter bunny rocketcars, miniature shopping trolley rocketcars, roller-skate rocketcars and even a fancy lobster rocketcar. It was art coming together with sport coming together with science. Best of all, the rockets are noisy and shoot flames out the back and propel the rocketcars quickly in random directions. Check out the slow motion video on the rocketcarday website to get a taste of it.

Passively smoke ganga, drink beer, enjoy a bit of sausage sizzle action and watch a sporting event that is about a million times more interesting than the Melbourne Cup. Rocketcar day – I can’t believe I have to wait a year till the next one.

Making Fashion More Interesting

Mannequins are always so lifeless - well obviously (unless they are in some bad 80’s movie with that slag from Sex and the City). It kind of annoys me how they are all just standing about looking all perfect, wearing their cool clothes and staring vacantly in to the distance. I’d like to see imperfect mannequins - mannequins with cold sores and pimples and razor rash; mannequins with a beer gut or a muffin top or a weird birthmark on their face. I don’t want them to be just standing their either. They should be doing dances, doffing their cap at passers by or if the robotics people get really good, juggling.

It also annoys me how runway models are always stick thin beautiful young things who just put on a pissed off look as they strut. Were I a fashion designer and I wanted to get a huge amount of press coverage I’d use people with down syndrome. For starters it would be way more fun because the models would all walk in different ways and do all sorts of cool unexpected things when they got to the end of the runway. It would also be controversial which is exactly what is required should you want to be cutting edge. It would also be a true test of design. If you can make a downie model look sharp it’s an awesome piece of clothing.

Childhood Joy

I was at the supermarket the other day and checking out the easter eggs and they all looked kind of tempting but then I saw that a block of chocolate was actually way more economical. A 200 gram easter egg is probably about twice the cost as a 200 gram block of chocolate. So did I go for the block or the egg?

I went for neither because I realised the fact that I was even evaluating all this shit meant that I had lost the whole joy of it anyway. When you were a kid all the possibilities were amazing. Little eggs in a basket, a big football sized egg, a bunny shaped chocolate or my personal favourite - the egg filled up with smarties. There was no concern about the price of the chocolate, whether it was shithouse quality or whether eating a kilo of chocolate in the space of two days would have adverse health effects.

That's the awesome thing about childhood. You can be completely selfish and just do whatever makes you happy. If the slightest thing annoys you just scream and violently lash out until you get your way.

Adults suck. I'm going to buy myself some fuck off big egg and eat it in one go. Then I'm going to lick some cake mix...