Monday, December 16, 2013

Candice Falzon

I don't need to know anything at all about who a sport star is currently sleeping with. The whole WAGs phenomenon has become a rather sad spectacle as we focus not on what is happening on the field but all this other boring rubbish which is best left to the gormless idiots who buy New Idea.

I am particularly worried about the Candice Falzon situation. A serial sports star fucker, Candice is now attempting to raise her public profile by attaching herself to David Warner. I see this going down the exact same track as Pup and Lara Bingle. It may all be rosy now but one day he is going to have to leave a tour to break up with her and a very expensive engagement ring will again go down the insinkerator.

I never want to hear a WAG interviewed. I never want to see a congratulatory tweet broadcast across the screen. Let's face it - tweeting is just another form of self promotion. Dave doesn't carry his smart phone out to the centre and check his messages after he gets a ton. If she really wants to congratulate him she can wait till he gets off the field, give him a kiss and say "well done love".


Sunday, December 15, 2013


The self-esteem of the average Australian male is dangerously connected to the success of Australian sporting teams. This may seem stupid but I think there are very valid evolutionary reasons why we personally take so much from spanking the Poms in the Ashes.

I think we can trace it right back to the apes. In ape society, the ape who wins the fights  becomes head of the pack and gets to have sex with all the lady apes. It is a pretty simple system. As we have evolved and civilised things have become a tad more complex.

For the modern man fighting is frowned upon and generally lands you in gaol. Hence we have had to develop sport. Unfortunately becoming the best in the world at sport generally takes a lot of time and effort, so instead of us actually doing it ourselves we outsource this task to others who represent us.

Critical reasoning would suggest this is stupid. It is however remarkable that whenever I'm overseas and tell people I'm an Aussie they instantly assume I'm an awesome surfer. All I can say is good work Mick Fanning.

The fact that my cricket representatives are better than some English bloke's cricket representatives allows me to feel that on an ape level I would be the powerful ape who is happily rooting all the lady apes while the English bloke is somewhere far away masturbating in a tree.

Needless to say I am really enjoying seeing us humiliate the Poms. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Vision Personal Training

Dear Vision Personal Training,

This morning I was having a lovely dream where I, along with the Dalai Lama, Michael J Fox (appearing as Teen Wolf), Kurt Cobain, Mr T and most of the Australian cricket team were playing a game similar to water polo that involved riding around on mermaids. This dream was undoubtedly better than anything I have seen at the movies for the past five years. Unfortunately just when I was getting the hang of riding my mermaid I was rudely awaken by one of your trainers who was loudly screaming at those running up the road directly below my apartment.

I looked at the clock, saw it was 6 am and tried to return to my awesome mermaid dream. Instead I got a rather erotic dream where Beyonce and all her dancers were naked backstage and we were playing spin the bottle. Before the bottle had even gone through three rotations I was again rudely awoken by the same yelling below.

I somehow managed to return to the dream but Beyonce and her dancers had been replaced by the randy inhabitants of a nursing home. Their wrinkly skin was sticking to the vinyl chairs and one of them had a catheter attached to a wee bag that held liquid of a disturbingly greenish tinge. There was of course more yelling from below so I didn’t have to endure this dream for too long.

I’m really not sure why people are so imbecilic that they can’t work out how to run up a hill for themselves. The fact people pay your organisation to tell them how to run up a hill still confounds me.

I also really don’t understand why so much yelling is necessary. Could you not just gather your gormless clients down the bottom of the hill and quietly instruct them? Something like… “See that hill? Run up it as fast as you can until you spew. Then when you’ve done that wipe your chin and walk back down.”

If they are too stupid to understand basic instructions perhaps you could just place some electrodes on your clients and give them little jolts by remote control to encourage them up the hill. It would certainly be preferable to having someone disturbing the sleep of the entire neighbourhood.

If you know anything about health you will know that sleep is incredibly valuable. As an organisation supposedly dedicated to health it seems ridiculous that you are negatively affecting the health of everyone within shouting range.

I ask that you see sense and discontinue the practice of loudly yelling in Young Street. This would be better for my health, the health of neighbours and the health of your personal trainer. I mean this because next time it happens I’m going to go out on my balcony and start throwing anything handy at the man with the stupidly loud voice.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Body Corporate Nazi

When old people who haven't achieved much in life end up living in apartment they take out their frustrations by joining the body corporate and becoming Nazis. There is something about the position that just attracts angry, bitter old biddies.

For some incomprehensible reason our body corporate Nazi has decided that we shouldn't put bins in the bin bay but instead store them in our own garages. She confronted me telling me that local dogs were just mad for the pooey baby nappies held within the bins. The fact I don't have a baby didn't seem to matter to her.

I have begun my campaign against this stupidity with this letter.

Dear neighbour,

You are no doubt well aware of the recent edict that bins be stored in private garages rather than in the bin bay. While I’m sure this decision was made with the best of intentions I believe it to be extremely ill-advised.

Consider this scenario.

It is Thursday evening and Jill is lugging her heavy bin from her garage to the curb. The plastic is cutting into her hands, her dodgy back is twitching and with the big bin blocking her vision she can’t make out exactly where she is putting her feet. The rough sandstone stepping stones are slippery from recent rain and a little leaking garbage juice. Suddenly Jill slips, wrenches her back horribly and smashes her face on the corner of the dis-used bin bay. Poor Jill lies there unconscious, bloodied and surrounded by spilt garbage.

Eventually Jill is rescued however she faces many operations and ongoing therapy. Unfortunately Jill’s back is now the shape of a question mark and her once angelic face has been transformed into a horrific mess that frightens small children.

Jill sues the strata for gross negligence and wins full damages with the judge agreeing that this was “an accident waiting to happen”. The strata scheme is then bankrupted and we have to give up the plastic plants that so enliven the foyer.

While this is indeed a distressing hypothetical scenario, I believe it important to be mindful of safety issues and potential liabilities in a world where litigation and back problems are extremely common.

Storing bins in garages is also inappropriate for another reason. Cars go in garages. When you attempt to squeeze a bulky bin in there, suddenly not all cars will fit. This renders the garage essentially useless for its purpose.

If we assume the average rental for a garage is $80 per week, this means occupants are paying over $4000 a year for what has essentially now become just a garbage storage facility, whilst parking their car on the street. This seems rather ridiculous considering we have a purpose-designed bin bay.

People need to use the storage space in the garage for their own things. Many choose to store their winter clothes there. I cannot however imagine anyone wanting to store their clothes next to a bin containing prawn heads, overripe bananas and nappies full of baby crap. It would seem far better that bins be stored well away from valued personal possessions in a space where the malodorous stench can at least be carried away by a fresh breeze. Again, the bin bay sounds like the better solution.

I realise there are concerns about dogs getting into the garbage but there are certainly other avenues we could take to eliminate this problem. One suggestion would be for the unit block to get a pet tiger that guards the bin bay. While tigers are undoubtedly cool and would probably scare dogs away, I fear this solution could be as legally fraught as making people trudge about with heavy loads on uneven stepping stones.

A more boring solution would be to get bins with latches on them. Dogs are yet to evolve to a point where they have opposable thumbs, rendering them quite impotent in the face of a latch-fastened bin. Despite not being as awesome as the tiger idea it is relatively cheap, should not cause any legal liabilities and does not waste people’s valuable garage space.

While this is undoubtedly a stupid letter I hope it is taken seriously. No one wants to see hypothetical Jill or anyone else injured. Clearly it will make life safer and more convenient for everyone if we can rethink the current policy and arrive at a sensible solution.

Merry Christmas to everyone!

The saga continues

I got a letter in return from the Nazi calling me an idiot and a mouth-breathing word-by-word reader. This was perhaps the most pathetic insult I have ever heard. The letter nit-picked various aspects of my letter but did not really address the central safety issue.

It said that rather than taking the outdoor route the garage I should take the internal route which involves two flights of stairs and two locked doors (not exactly convenient or safe).

I continued to store my bin in the bin bay and was today again confronted by the Nazi. I pointed out that I had studied health and safety and having people carry bins down stairs was in fact unsafe. She retorted telling me that she was 80 and she could do it, so I should be able to.

At this point I noticed she had a massive bruise all the way down her arm. She stormed off so I didn't get a chance to ask if she had got the bruise from a fall. Nor did I get to point out that people aged 80 plus are the group who most commonly die from  falling down stairs.

Normally I wouldn't wish pain on anyone but part of me really hopes she falls down the stairs while taking out the garbage, breaks her hip and has to move out. It would be such delicious irony.

To piss her off a little further I am going to make stickers with the following picture and plaster them all over my bin.

Monday, November 25, 2013


Society has become dull and conservative.

People paint their houses grey, then put on a grey suit and get in their grey cars to some boring office with ceiling tiles. It's all very depressing.

The top selling colours for cars are white, black and silver. Even the new iPhones aren't selling because colour is so scary for most people.

For the sake of joy we need to fight back against dullness. I thought I would start this fight on a local level with an inappropriate letter to a neighbour who had painted some very dull colour swatches on their house.

Dear neighbour,

Using my Sherlock Holmes-esque powers of deduction, I’ve deduced that you are considering repainting your house and I must say I am a little disappointed by the colour options you are contemplating.

Currently your home is a very cheerful pastel green. It is the colour of a mouth-watering lime sorbet, the water in some far-flung tropical paradise and the lingerie worn by that shapely lass on page 16 of the summer ‘92 Grace Brothers catalogue. I mean really, what on earth could be better than ice cream, tropical paradise and a very hot woman wearing a very minimal amount of clothing?

Instead of this fabulous vision you appear to be considering painting it some horrifically boring shade of grey. Really, why grey? What do you recall when you think of grey? For me it conjures visions of disease-ridden pigeons, the sky in London, John Howard’s stupid eyebrows, miserable corporate slaves in business suits and ridiculously expensive luxury four wheel drives that try to run me down every time I’m on my bicycle.

Maybe you like your business suit. Maybe you like driving a grey Audi. Maybe you have a secret John Howard eyebrow fetish. I really don’t know.

Maybe all you care about is money. If that is the case, I’d encourage you to look inside your wallet. All those notes are beautifully colourful. Just choose your favourite one and paint it that colour! Of course, if the $100 note is your favourite you don’t have to do a thing. Your house is already green. What a win!

I and the rest of the neighbourhood look forward to seeing what decision you make.

Yours sincerely,

Some bloke down the road

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Investing in fucking up the economy

Australian politicians do a great job of pretending to care about the cost of living, yet each year our government spends billions of dollars to make the cost of living more expensive.

Negative gearing is mind-blowingly stupid. It basically involves us paying rich people to make poor investments. In the 2010-11 financial year negatively geared investors lost $13.25 billion dollars. These losses were claimed as tax deductions. 

As well as costing us billions each year in forgone tax revenue, negative gearing has massively inflated the cost of housing. These inflated housing costs flow through the economy. To meet the basic need of having a roof over their heads, workers require higher wages, which means businesses have greater costs, consumers pay more and Australia becomes less and less internationally competitive.

If we still wish to throw money at property investors, we should at least limit negative gearing to landlords who purchase new properties. This would increase the supply of properties and mean first time buyers have a fairer go when bidding on the run down 1970’s apartments that are actually within their price range.

If we wish to provide incentives for investment, we should be far more thoughtful about where we direct the money. Rather than artificially propping up property prices we should be encouraging investors to put their money in areas which actually improve the country.

How about incentives for investing in science and innovation? Or incentives for investing in environmental projects? Oh wait, we have Abbott for prime minister. I blocked that out. Maybe we could just have incentives for investing in more toll roads.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013


I went to Woolworths and discovered their new trolleys have built-in drink holders. Have there been a lot of people dropping dead of dehydration while slowly ambling down the aisles in air-conditioned comfort? I doubt it, but I do think people are scared to go more than 50 metres without a drink bottle these days.

In the eighties no one used to get dehydrated because we didn't really know what that word was. We got thirsty and sometimes we got bloody thirsty, but no one ever got dehydrated. Cars back then didn't have drink holders because car designers assumed that sitting down doesn't take much effort and that people just tootling around probably didn't really need a drink.

Somewhere in the 90's women's magazines started telling us that we needed to drink 20 glasses of water a day and soon after we started seeing a whole lot of power walkers with drink bottles poking up from their bum bags. Were they too busy flailing their arms to stop at a bubbler? I'm not sure.

Then Gatorade came along and spent a whole lot of advertising money to tell us that if we were thirsty we were already dehydrated. They did a good job of making being a bit thirsty seem scary, whilst also making people think they would like like an elite athlete if they drank their fancy cordial.

With the public shit-scared of ever being thirsty, marketers then got really clever and started selling bottled water. They realised that people were now so petrified of ever feeling a little parched that they would willingly fork over $2.50 for stuff that comes free in a tap.

Now we are encouraging consumers to consume more even at the point that they are walking around buying things. Maybe the next step will be to put in a popcorn holder next to the drink holder on the trolley. Or may be we can just have a chaff bag like horses?

High vis

I was playing golf next to a school playground yesterday and noticed all the teachers on playground duty were being forced to wear high vis vests. Why? Teachers were pretty easily identifiable when I was at school. Generally they were all about two foot taller, at least twenty years older and not dressed head to toe in grey. Are kids really getting so dumb that they need a high vis vest to work out the difference?

Thursday, October 31, 2013


Just as the church has made people feel guilty about sex, the diet industry has been very effective in making people feel guilty about one of life's other great pleasures - food.

It's simple marketing - make people feel bad about themselves and then offer them a product which makes them feel less bad about themselves. Milk is bad so here is reduced fat milk. Chips are bad so here are some that are baked not fried. Butter is bad so here is I can't believe it's not butter.

We have bought in to this concept so much that even junk food is marketed to arouse feelings of guilt. Watch an ad for ice cream and you'll hear that their "wickedly indulgent" product is a "guilty pleasure" and you must "give in to temptation".

Having played the guilt card very effectively for the past thirty years or so the marketers now have a new weapon. It's the word "clean".

In the past year or so I've heard a scary number of people say how they are "eating clean". Obviously this implies that many foods are unclean, which is a totally stupid yet very powerful concept. Jews, Muslims and Samuel L Jackson's character from Pulp Fiction all just don't dig on swine "because the pig is a filthy animal". Chinese bbq pork from Tim's in Chatswood is however one of the most beautiful things in the wold and they are all missing out. 

Clean is an incredibly emotive term. One of the first things we hear as children is our mothers hysterically screaming "don't put that in your mouth, it's not clean". That's probably fair enough when it is a dead cockroach you found under the refrigerator when you were two years old. But do you really need to hear that voice coming back into your head when you are 36 years old and just want to have an Iced VoVo?

There is nothing unclean about Iced VoVos and we should all be able to enjoy them in their full fucking glory without feeling guilty or dirty.


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Sebel Kiama

Dear Sebel Kiama,

I recently spent a night in your establishment. At around $300 for the room I was looking forward to a little luxury. Unfortunately I was disappointed on a number of fronts.

1. Single ply

My nether regions have become accustomed to a certain level of comfort and the harsh scratchy feel of singly ply toilet paper was a true shock to my system. Let me ask you this. If you were to invite guests around to your home would you bring out single ply toilet paper? Of course not. Why? Because they would all think you were a cheap arsehole with no concern for their arseholes. 

2. Ceiling tiles

Ceiling tiles are usually only found in depressing places. Cheap offices, public hospitals and the RTA all offer this particularly uninspiring design feature. Walking down a hallway with ceiling tiles makes me recall feelings of visiting an elderly relative who has recently had a body part surgically removed. It doesn’t really scream sophistication and luxury.

3. Hideous artwork

Clearly your artwork was chosen by a vision-impaired accountant. How else could this monstrosity end up on the wall? Civilisation has been making beautiful artworks for millennia and from all the available options you somehow selected a big angry red blob. Notably the artwork was unsigned because the “artist” was no doubt ashamed of their crapness.  

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Boob guns

Today Facebook adjusted its policies so you could show someone being beheaded on it. Show a boob however and they will be quick to pull that thing down.

Is Facebook is owned by the Taliban?

Why is a nipple considered so confronting it warrants censorship yet extreme violence is just dandy?

What happens if someone posts a video of a boob being cut off?

What's their stance on boob guns?

Monday, October 21, 2013

Disaster porn

Natural disasters are horrible things but I think there is a part of all of us that are quite impressed by them. After all, Mother Nature can put on a pretty spectacular show.

Disasters have all the elements for great TV. There are visuals that no amount of Hollywood CGI could match. There are heroes. There are human interest dramas. There are lots of nerdy statistics.

This bushfire has gone on for five days, making it pretty much like a game of test match cricket. Like test match cricket there have been days where not much has happened. When there is a lull in the action, the statistics come out. We know the wind speed, we know the number of hectares burnt out, we know how many sausage sandwiches have been served to the firefighters, we know this is the worst bushfire since 1956.

Bored of this increasingly dull 24 hour news coverage we start going for the fire. We love it when things break records and surely this one can do better than the 1956 fire. Our inner pyromaniacs feel the need to see lots of big flames and cars on fire. Plus we think that when the big fire comes through in 2048 we can be the old codger being interviewed on the TV going "nah she's bad, but she's not as bad 2013. That one was bloody 'orrific".

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I don't get it

The politicians keep telling us how expensive it will be to combat climate change. I just don't quite understand why.

You can have a set of solar panels installed on your roof and they will pay for themselves in five years time. After that you are getting free, clean energy. If that can be achieved on a small scale surely it could be done on a much, much bigger scale, even cheaper.

Looking at the websites domestic solar installations cost from $2500. Obviously it wouldn't cost as much when you aren't paying retail price for panels. Installing them in a field would also no doubt be easier than having people climb up on a whole lot of roofs and hook each system individually up to the grid.

If it costs about $1000 for panels that would cover one person's energy use, then we can have the whole country going green for a grand sum of $23 billion.

That may seem like a lot of money, but the government can borrow that pretty damn cheaply. Currently the government is issuing bonds at 2.25% which means the interest bill would be a piddly $450 million p.a. Just like the domestic systems they should also be able to pay for themselves over 5 years.

So why do we have some dumb direct action policy that doesn't actually seem to be taking any action?

Saturday, October 12, 2013


$13 for a beer is wrong. It is an affront, a piss take. It is what is wrong with this country - particularly the parts where hipsterism thrives.

Foxtrot is a (painfully) hipster bar with a closed door and a twee little sign out front showing foxes dressed in suits. It occupies a crappy old low rent building that may have been an Italian restaurant in the 1970's. You sit on crappy old garden furniture, no doubt collected from a council clear up.

You order a single tap beer and it costs you $13. Sure, it may be a boutique wanker beer and it may be served in a brandy glass, but that's no excuse.  The low rent building doesn't justify such a mark up. The crappy council clean up furniture doesn't justify such a markup. The stupid picture of fox in a suit does not justify such a mark-up. Can anything justify $13 for a beer?  

Damn you hipsters.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Violent entertainment

People talk about today's violent movies and video games corrupting our youth. I think it goes a little further back than that. The first song I ever learnt was about a knife-wielding farmer's wife who dismembers body parts from a trio of already disabled animals. It was a strangely cheerful song.

Monday, September 30, 2013

I am officially old

One of my favourite shows is Media Watch on the ABC. When you are hanging out for that you know you are old and boring.

Or maybe TV was just better back in the day. Back in the day.. yes I am old.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Welcome to country

I find the aboriginal welcome to country thing they do at events these days a little weird.

We invade their country, wipe out most of their population, destroy their culture, steal their babies, then say "I'll throw you a $100 if you come and welcome us to your country for this posh function we are having".

Does this go on in other places? When you go to a function in Israel do they have a Palestinian come out and welcome the crowd to his country?

Friday, September 20, 2013

looking for deaf people

Today I got awoken by someone knocking at my door. He said he was looking for deaf people. I don't know how much luck he was going to have using that method.

It was weird.

Then I turned on Rage on the TV. It had a Frank Zappa video where there was a guy with a head of lettuce as his head, a Ronald Reagan impersonator strapped into an electric chair with a built in harmonica and someone putting donuts on the top of the pointy hood of a KKK member.

It was really weird.

I'm anxiously awaiting more weird shit to happen. If I walk up the street I hope there is a cat busking by playing bagpipes or a child vomiting smarties into a perfect rainbow or maybe just a granny dressed in an animal onesie.

Is life one giant Ms Universe pageant?

I find it odd the idea that we will all be judged at the end of our lives.

Will I be marked down for how I look in my swimsuit?

Thursday, September 19, 2013

hairdressers have got it all wrong

How would you like it?

Shorter - that's why I fucking came here.

Why do we ever have to hear this question? Most men maintain pretty much the same haircut for decades. We just want it back to how it was five weeks ago when we last came in. It should be simple.

I'd suggest that after finishing the haircut the hairdresser take a picture of my head. When I come back in in five weeks time they can refer to it and do the same thing again.

Currently I go to a Korean hairdresser which makes things interesting because when they ask me how I'd like it I have to mime scissors and chop away at bits of my hair. While this is kind of amusing, the really good bit of them having terrible English is that I don't have to have some awkward conversation with them.

For a while I went to a kiwi barber and we just talked about rugby which was fine. However the last time I went to a white hairdresser he pretty much spent the whole time spouting the views of Alan Jones, while also commenting on how much he liked Asian chicks every time an Asian chick walked past the shop (which was pretty often considering his shop was in Chatswood).

I also dislike having to stare into a mirror for twenty minutes - particularly if I'm hungover and look like shit. They should replace the mirror with a TV screen which plays me a sitcom or a mountain biking video or something. As it was yesterday I got bored looking at myself and spent most of the time checking out my hairdresser's amazing scissor holster. It was white leather, held six scissors and had a big diamante on it.  

While there wasn't the awkwardness of talking there was still awkwardness. You see, I think the hairdresser started to think I was checking out his package, when I was in fact trying to determine how many scissors his awesome scissor holster held.

My favourite hairdresser was a place I used to visit in the Hunter Arcade called "As you like it". They gave you beer and sports magazines while you waited. They had a radio up loud to avoid the need for awkward conversation and there was often a bit of cleavage showing so at least you had something to look at in the mirror. They also gave you a head massage at the end. All that for $12. I wish they were still in business.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Graffiti toff

I was in Mosman today and I saw some graffiti on a wall which said "if you hate Australia vote 1 ALP".  It was just so odd. I wish I had of seen the person who wrote it. I can only imagine it was some private school boy wearing a boater, a blazer and his tie slightly loose in a manner which is ever so rebellious. But just how rebellious can you be when you are hanging in Mosman supporting the party which pretty much every rich conservative Mosmanite supports? I could just visualise the kid getting caught and his dad sitting him down for a bollocking. "Allister Trenton Smythe-Jones, I must say I am deeply disappointed in you. Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment, your penmanship is most appalling. What on earth do we your tuition for? And what on earth happened to that calligraphy set we bought you?"

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Cost of living

Politicians promise all sorts of crap but it is usually aimed at someone other than me. If they really wanted to cut the cost of living in Australia and win my vote here is what they could do.

Make Coles an Woolies advertise how much they pay farmers for their produce. I'm sure if people saw the markup they were making on coriander they'd be less inclined to shell out $3 for it. The Asian grocer had 3 bunches for $2 today. I thought, "how can they sell it so cheap?" Then I remembered they weren't part of a price-fixing duopoly.

Stop banks from charging me to access my own money. When the four big banks are raking in a lazy 10 billion a year I don't think it is too much to ask for them to stop charging $2 for me to get me money out from an ATM. Charging me $10 a month for an account that pays no interest also seems like a bit or a rort.

Make beer cheaper at licensed venues. I bought a slab of Asahi for $40 the other day. At home each bottle is costing $1.67. Why then is $8 when I go out? As part of licensing conditions they should have at least one beer that you can buy for a $5 no matter how wanky the bar. If Labor based the rest of their campaign on this policy they would probably win.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Stop paying for babies

The idea of the government paying people to have babies is stupid.

Why? Babies are basically a massive drain on society. After we pay people to have babies, we then fork out massive amounts for child care schemes, family bonuses and education. Their mothers also tend not to work as much and thus we end up collecting far less tax. If anything we should be discouraging Australians from having babies and rewarding women who don’t spend their days hanging out at the park with a stroller.

People may argue that we need babies to pay for the pensions of our ageing population. Frankly, that’s bull.  If we ever have a population shortfall we have a huge number of international students who would be quite happy to get permanent residency and start working immediately. There’s no waiting 20 years for them to be productive and we don’t have to pay absolutely anything to nurture them.

Throwing money at people to have babies is economically quite unproductive. Most is shovelled back into real estate, pushing up house prices further. And why do Australians struggle to afford having children? Ridiculously high house prices which are the result of other stupid government incentives.

Somehow basic economic theory has been lost over the past decades as politicians attempt to bribe voters with all sorts of middle class welfare. Why not get rid of it all and let the market do its thing?

The most ridiculous policy is the Coalition’s parental leave scheme. Somehow fancy-pants bankers and lawyers who choose to push out a puppy will end up with up to $75,000 while a woman on the minimum wage would end up with a huge chunk less. How is that at all morally justifiable? Seems to me like it is a scheme aimed at upping the birth rates among pearl wearing liberal voters. I’m really starting to dislike their take from me, give to the rich attitude. How many fucking silver spoons do I have to subsidise?

Thursday, June 27, 2013

What did the boogie ever do?

For my whole life I've never really understand why we should blame it on the boogie. I thought boogieing was supposed to be a positive activity. Six years after the Jackson 5 sang that song, Kevin Bacon appeared in the movie Footloose. The movie was all about how the boogie had been unfairly blamed. I thought it preached an important message and resolved the whole question once and for all of whether it was right to blame it on the boogie. Clearly it is was not right

I don't get why the Jacksons boogied to a song that blamed "it" on the boogie. It seems rather hypocritical and anyway what exactly was "it" that they were blaming the boogie for? If they were blaming the boogie for a vase that got knocked over or a table that broke while someone was dancing upon it that may be fair enough, however I would suggest alcohol may also have been a contributing factor. If however they are blaming the boogie for global warming I think that may be a stretch. There is after all no proven scientific evidence that sun dances are effective.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013


Beyond any policies, politics or sexism there is a pretty clear reason why Julia Gillard is no longer PM - she just wasn't inspiring.

Leaders should be able to inspire but the only thing her dull voice ever inspired me to do was change the channel. Every time she talked it was like I was back in year eight history class with some droney teacher endlessly blathering on about something or other that was probably very interesting but made to sound ever so fucking boring that I would just vandalise my desk with my set of geometry compasses.

As well as being an inspirational figure I think it helps if your leader is an aspirational figure. Awkward photo shoots of Julia doing the knitting or standing around in a footy jersey didn't really help with that. When it comes down to it, no one really aspires to be some bogan auntie that shacked up with a goofy hairdresser.

I can understand people wanting to be like Obama. He is cool, good looking, has a hot wife and can even manage to sing and dance without looking like a complete dick. K Rudd is certainly a lot daggier but at least he has something going on. He is smart, bilingual, has a rich wife and a cute half Asian granddaughter. He can also make a relatively inspiring speech and doesn't make my skin crawl like Tony Abbott. I don't know if that will get him over the line but at least I won't have to listen to Julia's nasal droning up until the election.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Hardly ever

Bad stuff hardly ever happens here. On a worldwide scale our crime rate is reassuringly low.

The problem is sometimes things do happen which can quickly shatter all our feelings of comfort and safety. Much of this depends on proximity. Crimes are far more shocking if they happen to someone you know, in the same area or to someone who shares the same characteristics as you or someone you love.

When I watch most crime reports on the TV I normally quickly dismiss them before comforting myself with the fact I'm not living in Syria. When I heard about what happened to Jill Meagher I couldn't be so blase. Jill was 29, Irish, brunette, smart and attractive - all characteristics shared by the love of my life.

I still realise stuff like that hardly ever happens but the actions of one psychopath can really fuck with that carefree vibe.

It would be nice to live in a place with no door locks but  some burglar stuffed that idea up long ago. A few terrorists mean we can no longer board a plane without emptying our pockets, taking off our shoes and ditching that scary bottle of water. A succession of kiddy-fiddlers means most parents are now a whole lot less comfortable with their child becoming an alter boy or going away on scout camp.

As much as these crimes are horrible for the people directly involved, the broader impact also really sucks. Our minds don't work on a purely rational statistical level. Just one racist on a bus, one shark attack or one psycho rapist killer can really bugger things up.

The lazy rebellion

While most people seem to be disgusted by armpit hair on a lady, I really don't think it such a bad thing. In fact, I think there is an argument that a few little wisps can be sexy and I frickin love arguing so here it goes.

1. From an evolutionary point of view armpit hair is an advertisement that a women is sexually mature. If you can't stand the sight of female armpit hair you may just be a closet paedophile. 

2. When you see armpit hair it's hard not to visualise what is going on downstairs. A clean shaven armpit  won't get you automatically thinking about muff in the same way, hence it must be less sexy. Of course, if you can't stand the thought of a hairy muff you may just be a closet paedophile. (how good is the word muff by the way - I don't think I've used it since the 90's)

3. Not shaving your armpits has become a bold non-conformist act and I  expect bold non-conformists to be better in bed. While getting a sleeve of tattoos has become socially acceptable, natural hair growth is sure to inspire a sharp reaction. I think this is kind of fucked up.

4. A woman with hairy armpits probably isn't too hung up on body image. They are not only going to want to do it with the lights out, the covers up and in a position which doesn't reveal all the body parts they are secretly ashamed of.

5. The role of armpit hair is to hold the sweat which carries the pheromones that makes us attracted to woman. Clever marketing campaigns by Gillete and Rexona have totally killed off this natural mechanism which helps in partner selection. It may just be responsible for every bad relationship you've ever had.

Maybe we need to start a charity month like Movember for women. Pittober or something. It could change everyone's weird attitudes, allow people to rebel in a lazy way and raise money for something important.


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Searching for drugs

In our wonderful modern society with all its conveniences you would think being able to get medication when you are in pain would be a fairly simple task. It's not - at least not after 10 pm. For some weird reason 24 hour pharmacies do not exist in Sydney. Up the road I can go to a cafe and get a chai latte at four in the morning. I can drive through McDonalds for some greasy crap. I can fill up on petrol, get myself a slushie and tempt fate with a service station hot dog. Filling a prescription however is not going to happen.

If you get bundled out of hospital after hours it's pointless searching for pain medication. Go to a bar and order something strong.

Ultimately we should have 24 hour home delivery. Obviously junkies trying to hold up drug delivery drivers could be an issue however for this I have a cunning plan. I would make the drivers have blue lights on them - just like in those toilets where they are trying to deter junkies. Apparently blue lights are quite effective in deterring junkies but if that wasn't enough, I'd arm them with blue light-sabers. It would be like Luke Skywalker was coming to your rescue and that would make being in pain less shitty.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Dear Woolworths

Dear Woolworths,

Today I decided against buying a bag of rocket. Looking at your miserly 60 gram bag I pondered “how could something so tiny be such a giant rip-off?” How on earth can you justify selling something as simple as rocket for over $33 a kilo?

Perhaps you are unaware but it is not called rocket because it was developed by NASA. It is called rocket because it springs out of the ground so fast. It takes basically no effort to grow.

How is it that I can buy top of the range ham for less than the cost of the rabbit food it shares my sandwich with? Cute little Babe has to be fed and looked after so he grows up to eating size. Then he has to be killed, cut up, smoked and sliced by someone at the deli counter. If all that can be done for $25 a kilo, surely something is amiss in the pricing of rocket.

I also wonder why is it that whenever I go into your store there is a half price special on chocolate yet there is never a half price special on rocket? Is this some conspiracy against healthy eating? The only reductions you ever tend to give on rocket are when the stuff has wilted away in the bag for three days and it looks sad, pathetic and pretty much inedible.

I believe it is a scam and I am henceforth boycotting rocket from your store. If I had a twitter account I would urge my followers to do likewise. 

Monday, May 20, 2013

It's not the 80's

When I grew up I had no idea that homosexuality existed. How would I? Elton John was marrying some lass in Sydney and George Michael was dancing around with a whole lot of chicks singing "I want your sex". Sure, the Village People existed, but to me they were just some characters who liked to dress up and sing catchy, wholesome songs about staying at the Young Men's Christian Association. There were certainly no gay characters on the Cosby Show, Family Ties, Different Strokes or any of the other crap American 80's shows I watched.

We did use the word "gay" a hell of a lot but never did I realise it meant homosexual. If we liked something it was cool, ace, tops, rad or wicked, but if we didn't like it the only adjective we ever used was "gay". Thus playing catch and kiss with the girls would be considered gay, while playing bullrush was considered ace.

When I went to high school there were no gay kids. I'm sure there were, but sensibly they stayed well within the closet because had they come out they would have had the living snot beaten out of them on a daily basis.

The first time I ever saw anything gay was one day when I was about 13 and I was going in to HMV in the city. There were two dudes on the elevator in front of me holding hands. It was so weird and alien to me that I actually remember it to this day.

I also remember my dad when he was about 50 telling me he'd never met anyone who was gay. I am sure he had appalling gaydar but for people who lived in the suburbs in that generation it really wasn't something you came across that much.

Considering my upbringing and the upbringing of generations before me, I am actually pretty amazed that society has managed to change so much in the past 30 years and I think gay marriage is probably important for a reason other than equality.

Any kid who goes to their gay uncle or gay auntie's wedding is going to see a whole lot of people happily celebrating a normal relationship. I think that is really powerful. It means when they find themselves attracted to people of the same sex in a few year's time  they won't have to battle the same levels of mental anguish that other generations have. Hopefully kids won't get bashed up in schools, disowned by their parents or forced to suicide because of something they have no control over.

It's not the 80's. Surely it's about time we legalised gay marriage.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

If I got to punch one person I'd choose Gina Rinehart

I know violence doesn't solve anything and it's bad to hit women, but I think I'd make an exception for Gina Rinehart. Seriously, I'd whack her with a stick like an oversized pinata until her stony little heart fell out.

When multi-billionaires go on the news to complain about paying too much tax it does piss me off. In her rant  today she said that Australia "shouldn't treat mining like an ATM". I think that is exactly how we should treat it.

You see, Australia has all these resources in the ground, which is pretty much the same as having money in the bank. When we take these resources out of the ground we are basically taking money out of our national bank account.

The problem is under our current system Gina gets to keep a shitload of this money and the Australian people get some miserable, piss-poor percentage.

So far our mining tax has raised bugger-all. Yet we still spend about $6 billion a year on fuel subsidies so Gina's giant Tonka trucks and private jet can move about a bit more cheaply.

So stop whingeing Gina and go back to stuffing your gob with all those unicorn pies in your stupid billionaire world that has no connection with reality. I hate you.

Brothels are really helpful

Personally the idea of going to a brothel creeps me about. I do however find them useful. You see, most brothels tend to put their street number in really large, easy to read numbers and when I'm driving along trying to find a place on some main road this can be really helpful. Most other commercial enterprises tend to have their number in small, hidden away places which makes it impossible to read when driving without slamming into the car in front.

You probably think I should get with the times and use my phone to deliver me to the pinpoint address. I could, but I really don't like the idea of Google telling me where to go. Instead, I tell Google where to go.

Yes, go get fucked Google! I know where you can find a brothel... (just look for the place with the big numbers out the front).

Monday, May 6, 2013


Dear Qantas,

I recently flew with you to Melbourne and you fed me a lovely chocolate caramel cookie. Unfortunately you also fed me a little bit of bullshit.

You see, with my cookie came a little paper bag which was apparently part of a new recycling initiative. Along with a whole lot of guff about your new recycling initiative, the bag was printed with instructions telling me to put my rubbish inside this paper bag. This struck me as odd.

For years I have been carefully sorting my paper and plastic as part of my own recycling initiative. Nonetheless I put my plastic cookie wrapper in the paper bag and gave it back to the hostie/stewardess/flight attendant/whatever the proper term is these days.

Later when I went to the back of the plane to use the toilet I fully expected to find the hosties busily going through the collected rubbish sorting this paper from plastic. But no, they were just hanging about discussing their diet regimes and how carbs and sugar are evil (which was quite ironic considering what they had just been dishing out).

So basically it appears that your brilliantly thought out recycling scheme involves creating more rubbish, rather than less rubbish and also putting a whole lot of recyclable material in landfill. Why don’t you print that on your tip-bound paper bags?

My suggestion is that you get rid of the paper bags, get rid of the cookie wrappers and just serve those tasty treats from a good old-fashioned, environmentally friendly cookie jar. It makes far more sense than trying to bamboozle us with nonsensical marketing spin.

Yes keep the cookies coming, but please stop trying to feed me bullshit.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Price justifications

How come watching porn is free yet watching rugby is expensive?

I spent a long time researching how to watch Super XV rugby over the internet so I didn't have to fork out for Foxtel. I finally figured out how to dodgily change my IP address to somewhere in Russia and get it all happening. Sadly the connection was pathetically slow which means means my money saving scheme is down the toilet. Yes, I could just go up the Oaks to watch it for free but at $7 a beer the savings will disappear quite rapidly.

I might have to just stump up for Foxtel. There's no way I'm resorting to rugby league.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

venue squatting

It appears gay marriage is going to happen soon and once it does happen finding a wedding venue that isn't booked out is going to be ridiculously hard. As it is people have to book the most popular venues more than a year in advance. So if all of a sudden  thousands of gay couples who haven't been able to get married decide to get married, there will be a period of intensely crazy competition. In this I see an opportunity.

I could book out at all the slots at the most popular wedding venues and auction them off to the highest bidder. Instead of $100 a head, people will be paying $250 a head and I will be pocketing $150 of it.  Genius.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Ghost sluts

I know the NBN holds infinite possibilities but if history has taught us anything it is that porn will be the driving force of innovation on the internet. That being the case, it is quite likely that the NBN will usher in a whole lot of holographic porn. Yes, Australia will be a nation of sad guys sitting in their living rooms ogling dancing ghost sluts.

I like the idea of having mega fast internet but $30 billion or whatever it is does sound a bit pricey. Where the hell are they buying this cable from? David Jones? What annoys me most though is that after we fork out for it and wait ten years for someone to get round to stringing it up, we still have to pay to use it. Just imagine if you spent $2,000 on a bike and the guy at the bike shop said "Okay, I should have that around to your house by 2023 and when you get it you will have to spend $80 a month to ride it."

Why can't we get people stringing this stuff up sooner? I may have floated this idea before but why not get refugees to do it? Apparently it costs $1830 per day to keep someone in detention on Christmas Island (another example of the government getting crap value for money). Rather than lock them up why not train them up and get them plugging this thing in? I'm sure they would be willing to do it for a wage far less than $1830 a day.

I think this would also dramatically change the general thinking about refugees. Instead of greeting each new boat arrival with arrival with alarm, Australians would greet them with glee, safe in the knowledge that they will soon be celebrating their NBN installation with a living room full of ghost sluts.

The cob dip

How is it that you can go to a party and still find dip in the middle of a hollowed out cob loaf? While I'm sure it was a revelation when it appeared in some 1970's Australian Women's Weekly, surely the novelty of dipping bread innards into a gloopy cheese/spinach concoction has worn off. Pineapple upside down cake had just as much novelty value but you hardly ever see that these days. Learn to make some new dips people. Failing that at least have the good grace to also provide some prawn cocktails with thousand island sauce and follow it all up with a pineapple upside down cake or some deep fried ice cream.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

That's not cricket

Last night a mosquito bit me on the dick. It's never happened to me before. I always assumed there was some unwritten agreement that they just didn't do that. I felt outraged, violated and quite itchy.

Today I researched ways of preventing being bitten by slutty vampire mosquitoes and they also seemed a bit crap. I think the best solution would be to inject feral animals with something that made them irresistible to mosquitoes. A feral cat/dog/pig/goat/camel would taste so super-duper amazing that mosquitoes would never ever want to go near a human again. We would taste like carob to their chocolate. Then I could sleep soundly again.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Bourgeois Ranting

Often when I get my shopper docket I will look down and see the 2 for 1 wine special tacked on the end of it. I get excited and then I realise its for sauvignon blanc and I'm not really a fan of sauvignon blanc. Why don't they ever have a reisling I angrily wonder? Then I realise what a hoity-toity wanker I've become. Then I argue to myself that I can't have become complete bourgeois scum because I'm still looking for wine specials on shopper dockets.

Cheap wine and a three day growth - nothing screams bogan like the lyrics of a Cold Chisel song. So maybe I'm a selective bogan or maybe I'm just a yuppie wanker with a lack of resources.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Apartment Living

Back in the day when people lived on quarter acre blocks, Australian men had neatly trimmed lawns and hairy bodies. I believe the rise of apartment living has led to the rise of manscaping. Men have an innate urge to trim and without a lawn they have been forced to look to their own bodies.

The more densely populated the area, the more manscaping you will find. Coincidence? I think not.

PowerPoint Cricket

Cricket has become stupid.

Apparently Shane Watson, James Pattinson, Mitchell Johnson and Usman Khawaja were all stood down because they failed to deliver a presentation about how they could improve their performance. In other words, they got shafted because the coach and managers are all dickwads.

If I was in the Australian cricket team and had to prepare a presentation, it would say "hello coaches - the problem is you. You are making me work on PowerPoint instead of my cover drive. You should be fired."

The main reasons we can't win in India is that our spin bowlers suck and our batsmen aren't used to batting on dust bowls. Having some South African wanker forcing players to find other deficiencies can't help though. Just get rid of the coach all together. Clearly he's not helping the team performance or morale.

The coach should be replaced with a little retarded kid who just claps a lot no matter whether the batsmen get a duck or a century. Maybe then we would win the Ashes.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

The shame shake

When I'm on my bike it seems a lot of drivers feel it completely acceptable to completely cut me off when pulling out of driveways, entering a roundabout or changing lanes. Unfortunately I don't have a massive horn on my bike and can not give them the blast they deserve. Instead I have really worked upon my shake of shame. It is a head shake that portrays utter bewilderment and disappointment. It says "that was a ridiculous thing to do. You must realise that was a ridiculous thing to do. Everyone who witnessed this incident realises you are a crap and thoughtless driver who displays a great lack of courtesy and care to vulnerable cyclists. You must be ashamed. I'm ashamed for you. I pity what a crap driver you are." Body language can convey a  lot...

Of course when there is a really close call the shame shake is not enough. Then I use the angry Italian. This basically just involves me waving my arms about in a theatrical manner and shouting a lot.


I don't like how the word 'muppet' gets thrown about in a derogatory fashion. I think it was the English who first started labelling anyone incompetent a muppet but sadly it seems to have caught on globally.

Sure the Muppet Show was not a seamless production, but each week the muppets managed to get it together, overcoming problems and delighting us along the way. The only ones non-pleased with the results of their efforts were the critics Statler and Waldorf.
Sure, the mechanics at my bike shop are incompetent but when I go in there I don't see Elton John in a pink sparkly jumpsuit doing a duet with the guy who is fucking up my brakes. I don't see Johnny Cash or John Cleese or Julie Andrews. I don't see any bears in hats or pigs in feather boas. It just doesn't deserve comparison to the muppets.

I wish there was a muppet bike shop. It would be way more fun and also probably way better. When Kermit road his bike I never noticed him having ongoing issues with his brakes rubbing.

On closer inspection it appears Kermit did not have any brakes. That frog is hardcore.

Monday, February 11, 2013


I don't know if there are any ladies reading this who have bisexual partners but if you are let me suggest something wonderful for Valentines Day. Why not fashion your pubic hair into the shape of a moustache? Not only is it whimsical, it will also help your partner to enjoy you in a whole lot of different ways. You could possibly take it further and apply some googly eyes to your belly and draw on a top hat as well. 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Solving Sydney's Housing Problem

Anyone who has tried to buy or rent a property in Sydney will know it is ridiculously expensive. You are basically looking at $500 a week to rent a shit-hole apartment or $500,000 to buy a shit-hole apartment. Not good.

Economists will tell you the high prices are due to a problem of under-supply which is not precisely true. It is actually a problem of under-utilisation. In Sydney there are are a ridiculous number of massive houses with just one or two people rattling around in them. If we wanted to instantly solve Sydney's housing shortage we could just pass a law saying that you must have at least one occupant for every bedroom in your house or pay a large tax.

All of a sudden home owners would be taking in boarders or downsizing to appropriately sized properties. Rents would drop ridiculously, students could afford to study and young families might actually be able to afford to live in a family home without both parents working their arses off and never seeing their children. Everyone would have more disposable income and we could afford to buy overpriced coriander at Coles. It would be brilliant.

A reason to season

Watch any of the million cooking shows on TV and you will always see them finish it off whatever dish they have with a few coriander leaves. Instant frickin gourmet.

This trend would be fine except for one thing - Coles. If I want to buy a bunch of coriander from Coles it costs $3. Why? At the Asian grocery store it costs 79 cents and the bunch is way bigger.

Sometimes I do my shopping when the Asian grocery store is closed and sometimes I just couldn't be bothered walking there but is this sort of convenience premium justified? I think not. So fuck you Coles.

I'm afraid my blog is just turning into angry rants about getting ripped off by major corporations. Really, I should have a current affairs show where instead of doing stories about dodgy plumbers I do stories about crap like this.

$3 for coriander. Ridiculous.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Gallery Suggestions

Dr Michael Brand
Art Gallery of NSW

Dear Michael,

For a place which is supposed to be about creativity, the art gallery seems to lack any creativity in the way it exhibits art. Every time I go there it's the same. There's a big room with a few paintings on the wall and people awkwardly shuffling along trying not to speak too loudly for the fear of sounding not quite as all-knowing as the art wanker beside them who is wearing a beret and retro hipster glasses. I quickly get bored, my back starts to hurt and I sit on the couch thinking "why did I come back here - it sucks".

I'd like to offer a few suggestions as to how to make the experience far less sucky, while also making the gallery a truckload more money.

1. Music - there is no reason why the viewing of art has to be conducted in an awkward silence. I'd much prefer to hear some music that adds context and atmosphere to the art, rather than the old lady next to me detailing her cousin Terry's recovery from a hip operation. It's not that hard. Simply choose a musician and get them to curate a collection of songs to go with an exhibition. Try Nick Cave - arty people love him. You then have something extra to flog in the gift shop and on iTunes.

2. Beanbag train - No one likes standing up on a hard surface. It causes back pain and detracts from the enjoyment of the art. It would be far better if you could install something like in one of those Sushi Train restaurants, except instead of sushi plates going around you have people on comfy chairs or beanbags. I'd pay extra for that. By cranking up the speed on the beanbag train you could also get more people through exhibitions in periods of peak demand, further increasing your revenue.

3. Alcohol - People get in to a far more philosophical head space and have more interesting conversations when they have consumed alcohol. It undoubtedly adds to the enjoyment of the art. So why not have a bar at the entrance of the exhibition? This would also be a sure-fire money spinner. These days you can get away with ridiculous mark-ups on alcohol because paying $8 for a beer has somehow become normal in Sydney.

You may well dismiss this letter as the rantings of some disgruntled lunatic but deep down part of you knows I'm right. So why not do some market research on it? I'm sure everyone will tell you their gallery experience would be enhanced by listening to music and getting tipsy in a moving beanbag. How could they not?


Jamie Watson  

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Too much time?

I hate it when people say "you've got way too much time on your hands". This phrase always pops out whenever someone dares to do something creative. I read it today in a SMH report about some guy who had cut up Lance Armstrong's interview and put it to Radiohead's Creep.

This video will entertain millions of people. How is creating it a bad use of time?

Doing things which are fun and frivolous is a brilliant use of time. It should be recommended. It's why we invented all those time saving devices - not so we could spend extra hours at work doing something we find dreadfully tedious.

I've got time for all sorts of weird and wonderful crap. Things I don't have time for include:

  • washing my car more than about 3 times a year
  • going out for breakfast (a more in-depth rant about this can be found here).
  • ironing - unless it's a wedding or something
  • going anywhere in peak hour traffic
  • watching soccer, AFL or horse racing
  • going to Bunnings
The fact is when people say "you've got way too much time on your hands" they are normally really saying "I work fifty hours a week and waste another ten hours stuck in traffic to pay for this overpriced dwelling to house the children that take up the few remaining hours available to me when I am not at Bunnings try to find some thing to fix some stupid thing that I have no idea how to fucking fix - oh and I just wasted another two hours and $80 at breakfast. I wish I had time to do something other than just collapse in front of the TV, completely rooted from all this! I am ridiculously jealous."   

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Political advertising

The announcement of the election really got me thinking about how I could create a political ad which doesn't suck.

As much as I hate Julia, I hate Tony even more, in particular his stupid policies to repeal the carbon tax and mining tax. Basically it is just giving taking revenue from the government coffers and giving it back to billionaire mining interests (most of them foreign).

I imagine Thunderbirds/Team America style puppets being used for the advertisements. For each ad Tony Abbott would rock up to the billionaires' club (probably dressed in his speedos) to deliver the dosh. He would then ask them how they are going to use that money.

Example script:

Tony: So Gina how are you going to use these billions I've liberated from the Australian public?
Gina: I'm going to buy lots of pies.
Tony: But pies are cheap. Maybe you should give some to your family?
Gina: You're funny Tony.
Tony: You could always just expand your media interests until you are like Berlusconi?
Gina: I'm also going to buy some sauce.
At this point Gina would just lift her leg and let rip with a massive fart.
Voiceover: Want your tax payer dollars going to a billionaire? Vote for the Coalition.

I think it gets a point enough and it is low brow enough that it would connect with the bogans everyone is so desperate to win over.

I would also like to see a version with a Chinese billionaire who just insults Tony in Mandarin.

While Tony is fawning over him (possibly feeding him grapes) he would say things such as:
I love that you are so stupid Tony - you give all your country's money to me. How funny that you walk like you just got off a horse. I love your speedos - is that a budgie you are trying to smuggle or a hummingbird?

The possibilities are endless.

Commonwealth Bank having fun on my holiday

Banks must love it when you go overseas. It's a golden invitation to rip you off and add to their multi-billion dollar profits.

I was pretty happy when I got to Indonesia and saw CBA autobanks advertising no ATM withdrawal fees for CBA customers. Unfortunately when I got home and checked my statement it was $2 for each withdrawal. I complained to the bank but they basically told me "tough titties" - hence the angry blog post.

When I didn't use the CBA ATM the fee went up to well over $9 for taking the equivalent of $150 out. To add to the indignity the exchange rate charged was 5% worse than what I could get on the street. So basically the bank is creaming off more than 10% of what you spend overseas. Bastards!

That $2 Bintang really cost me $2.20. That $3 nasi goreng really cost me $3.30. That trip to the hospital following the extreme food poisoning cost me how much? No travel insurance got that one. It's okay.

Friday, January 18, 2013


I really don't know who I am more disappointed by, Lance or Oprah. What a pathetic interview. Where was the nitty gritty? Where was the naming of names? Where was the spilling of beans? Where was the big public apology? Where were the tears? If there is one thing I thought Oprah could extract I thought it would be some tears but all there was was a woman with a massive fat head looking mildly disappointed at a wanker with a skinny head.

Why go so soft on someone who managed to pull off one of the biggest con jobs in history? Bring him down properly. Oprah, you need some performance enhancement yourself. Maybe you should go do a journalism course or get one of your lackeys to write some decent questions. Maybe you should learn how to ask a follow up question. In fact, maybe you should have just got someone else to do the interview so you can get back to eating cake and picking out sparkly shoes.