Colour

Society has become dull and conservative.

People paint their houses grey, then put on a grey suit and get in their grey cars to some boring office with ceiling tiles. It's all very depressing.

The top selling colours for cars are white, black and silver. Even the new iPhones aren't selling because colour is so scary for most people.

For the sake of joy we need to fight back against dullness. I thought I would start this fight on a local level with an inappropriate letter to a neighbour who had painted some very dull colour swatches on their house.

Dear neighbour,

Using my Sherlock Holmes-esque powers of deduction, I’ve deduced that you are considering repainting your house and I must say I am a little disappointed by the colour options you are contemplating.

Currently your home is a very cheerful pastel green. It is the colour of a mouth-watering lime sorbet, the water in some far-flung tropical paradise and the lingerie worn by that shapely lass on page 16 of the summer ‘92 Grace Brothers catalogue. I mean really, what on earth could be better than ice cream, tropical paradise and a very hot woman wearing a very minimal amount of clothing?

Instead of this fabulous vision you appear to be considering painting it some horrifically boring shade of grey. Really, why grey? What do you recall when you think of grey? For me it conjures visions of disease-ridden pigeons, the sky in London, John Howard’s stupid eyebrows, miserable corporate slaves in business suits and ridiculously expensive luxury four wheel drives that try to run me down every time I’m on my bicycle.

Maybe you like your business suit. Maybe you like driving a grey Audi. Maybe you have a secret John Howard eyebrow fetish. I really don’t know.

Maybe all you care about is money. If that is the case, I’d encourage you to look inside your wallet. All those notes are beautifully colourful. Just choose your favourite one and paint it that colour! Of course, if the $100 note is your favourite you don’t have to do a thing. Your house is already green. What a win!

I and the rest of the neighbourhood look forward to seeing what decision you make.

Yours sincerely,

Some bloke down the road