Wednesday, June 27, 2012

At your worst

When we meet new people we generally see them at their best.

It takes ages to see how they are when they are really pissed off, which is unfortunate because I think it important to know what they are like when they lose their shit.

Maybe we need to meet people when they've just had a car crash, suffered a six hour delay at the airport or had their cat run over. Then we'd know.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Not so super

It's pretty sad. These days Superman's alter-ego would just be some unemployed bloke searching in vain for a telephone booth.

I guess the problem is we care more about Superman than Clarke Kent. Real news just isn't interesting to most people. A story about some far flung war is depressing, politicians just spout crap and half the content of the paper is re-hashed press releases anyway.

Despite it being the information age most people are actually becoming less informed. They may know something about the new iPhone release or what is going on with the Kardashians but how many people actually have an idea of what is going on with the world?

Now the Australian media is being controlled by a super-rich super-bitch hell bent on convincing me she should pay less tax. And I have to pay her for the privilege of reading that?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Penis mice

When the scientists made a human ear grow on a mouse I thought that was the most disgusting thing ever. Then I thought again. What if they made mice with human penises on them? And what if your house got infested by penis mice? And what if they crawled all over you while you were sleeping? I think that would be the most disgusting thing ever.

Monday, June 18, 2012

a wee bit too competitive

I think competition is a good thing. Without the world would be kind of pathetic. Cadel Evans would be an unremarkable short guy with a bum chin, Tiger Woods would be picking up even trashier cocktail waitresses and Ussain Bolt would probably just be having a doobie, listening to Bob Marley and staring at the participation certificate he got for that year six running race.

I was brought up to be competitive and I find it really hard to switch off. I realised this when I was giving blood today and I was trying to race the other people to see if I could fill up my bag first. I have to say I got a little bit excited when my machine started beeping well ahead of the guy with the cardigan and the woman in the tracky-dacks.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Parking ninjas

I got my first ever parking fine today from some Manly parking ninja who was already on the scene at 8.30 on a Sunday morning. $88 for spending 15 minutes too long in a car space. That is the least fun use of money ever.

It particularly annoys me because of all the stupid penny pinching crap that I subject myself too. 15 minutes less and I could have:

  • Had the fresh tiger prawns rather than the thawed vannamei ones. 
  • Bought fancy imported beer rather than cheap domestic stuff
  • Got my hair cut 
  • Had a New York steak rather than a rump
  • Had some fresh herbs with my pasta
  • Upgraded my phone to something which doesn't get laughed at

Leading from the bench

It was really weird watching Piri Weepu leading the haka considering the dude is a reserve.

Just imagine a kiwi version of Braveheart. After Mel Gibson gives his rousing "they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom" speech, he would then go on to say "you guys go out to do battle first. I'm just going to put on my tracksuit and sit on this seat for an hour or so. It is a bet wet and windy out there. Best of luck fellas."

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Why Myer will soon die

I went to Myer to buy a stereo and immediately the signs weren’t good. In the middle of all this technology there was a dirty bucket collecting drips from the ceiling. I tried to get the attention of a salesperson but he told me he knew nothing about stereos and to wait for the one other guy who was tending to a ninety year old lady. Despite the place being pretty much a ghost town I waited so long I just about saw an entire episode of Days of Our Lives on the big TVs that surrounded me.

Eventually the very depressed sales attendant slumped over. I can’t blame him for being depressed - I’ve seen hospital wards that were more uplifting than the technology department of Myer. I really don’t think the lighting was doing anything for his complexion either because he looked slightly zombieish.

He wasn’t keen on selling the model I wanted because it was the last one and it seemed like finding the box for it was going to be way too difficult. He suggested I go back to Bing Lee. Clearly he wasn’t selling on commission. 

Saturday, June 2, 2012

branding and religion

I visit a lot of homes and it is amazing how many average white people have Buddha statues. I am sure most of these people have only the vaguest idea about the religion but the associated iconography is really appealing. I think it helps that people have a choice of two Buddhas. Depending on your personality you can choose a fat, happy Buddha or a chilled out thin Buddha. The lotus flower is a really beautiful touch and I can't imagine any uniform that matches the flowing saffron robes of a Buddhist monk. Buddhism really got their branding right.

Christianity however decided to choose a torture instrument as their logo. The cross is visually strong but not overly appealing - especially when you see it with some skinny beardy guy nailed to it. Poor Jesus. Not only did he have to suffer such treatment, he also had hair that was never going to be anywhere near as cool as Buddha's.

The one I really feel sorry for though is Mohammed. Islam dictates that you are not able to show representations of him. I don't know what the idea behind that is but it is terrible branding.

Hinduism has tried really hard but I think maybe too hard. All those extra arms, blue skin, elephant heads etc. is way too confusing