Thursday, June 18, 2015

Planes and windmills

Wind farms tend to be located in paddocks where pretty much no one lives aside from a few cows. They are less noisy than a lawnmower.

Jet aircraft are a shitload noisier than lawnmowers. Sydney's second airport will be located in the middle of a city where millions of people live and is planned to operate 24 hours.

Why the fuck is Tony Abbott so worried about cows and so unconcerned about people?

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

I can't agree with all this nodding

When a politician addresses the media why are they now invariably flanked by two people whose sole purpose is to nod? It all seems a little creepy and weird. These background nodders look like they have been lobotomised or given some heavy duty mind altering medication which helps them to agree with every imbecilic utterance that exits the politician’s mouth.

The nodders were most likely the invention of genius media advisors – probably the same ones who discovered the magical powers of repeating three word slogans and assiduously avoiding answering any direct questions. Somewhere along the way, they decided to unleash the amazing power of the nod.

With two people visibly agreeing with the politician in the form of a nod, they reasoned that the gormless public would never again question whether their message was just a steaming pile of horse manure. If the serious-looking nodders in the grey suits agreed so wholeheartedly, we would surely believe every word is true.  

Unfortunately those clever media advisors forgot the public also value authenticity and that relentless sycophantic nodding never quiet seems real. Most of us suspect the nodders are bored senseless of hearing the same tired lines and just want the press conference to end quickly so they can finally go to the toilet. Their nodding performances look tortured and are sharply lacking the authenticity we crave.

Strategically placing two nodders behind the leader is no doubt supposed to engender an image of party unity. We are supposed to believe political parties are big happy families where everyone is always in complete agreement. Given recent political history this does not exactly ring true. It seems more likely our leaders are just paranoid about back-stabbing and want two people forming a protective wall behind them at all times.

The main impression given by all this nodding is that political parties are weird cults. Leaders can say anything and their followers must only gaze upon them in awe and nod along in complete devotion. It’s not the kind of role which would make a free thinking person seek a place in parliament. Who wants a job where the two main responsibilities are nodding and remembering not to pick your nose?

Being a nodder is a job which could be easily replaced. They would just have to buy a few dashboard toys from the two dollar shop and make sure to jiggle them every now and then so their heads keep bobbing up and down. Instead we are still paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for the salaries of all these professional nodders. It is bound to get even worse. Pretty soon half of Canberra will be putting in compo claims for nodding induced RSI.  

Monday, June 15, 2015

Why don't we pay terrorists?

We've seen paying people smugglers is a cheap, effective way of getting shit done. I think we should extend the program to terrorists.

If someone writes "terrorist" as occupation and "jihad" as reason for visit on their immigration card, we should just give them a fat wad of cash and turn them around. It would be far cheaper and less convoluted than all this spying nonsense.

Data retention is really expensive, and it takes ages wading through all the spam ads for Viagra and penis enlargement before you get to the bit were the evil genius lays out their master plan in an unencrypted email.

We should probably pay people to stop importing drugs too.

Dear Senor Estobar,

We ask that you kindly stop sending drugs to Straya. Enclosed is a fat stack of taxpayers' money. If you continue to import drugs we will be forced to give you more money.




Sunday, June 7, 2015


I have a mate who needs a large quantity of earth dug out from his backyard. I suggested he advertise a program called Digfit, where people pay money to get fit by digging. If people are dumb enough to sign up for horrible boot camp programs surely they would be dumb enough to sign up for this. He would get his hole and have money left over for some pavers.

While this idea has great merit, I think there could be an even better solution. I think he should advertise casting for a new reality TV program, which pairs weight loss with home renovation. He could just stand about with a camera as people literally work their arses off doing painstaking manual labour to fix up his home. I'd even call the show Work Your Arse Off.

If there were such a show people would probably watch it in Australia. It would probably rate its big wobbly man tits off. I would however prefer the whole thing just be a big scam, with the video taken being used to make a documentary about the scam. The contract would be written in such away to make sure no one ever gets any prize money. It would however be a thought-provoking exploration in to how the promise of fame, fortune and a slender waistline can make people do pretty much anything you want them to.