Saturday, July 30, 2011

Make money from your post

Google encourages me to make money from my post with relevant ads from google adsense. But what product is really relevant to me crapping on about horse wars? No one reads this shit anyway. I'm not going to sell out for 3 cents.

Horse war

Horses hate ponies. They are going to have a big war and you would think the horses would win but the ponies are going to get the mules and the donkeys and the zebras on their side and they will eventually triumph.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Economics explained

Finance stories on the news can be dull and difficult for ordinary people to grasp. I think should try something like this:

I go the Petersham Bakery and these big chocolate donuts which are just $1.20. It's far cheaper than I could ever make them and they taste awesome so I buy them. Now just imagine I'm America and the Petersham Bakery is China. Also imagine that instead of paying cash for my donut I ask for them to put it on my tab and instead of buying one donut a week I buy a few billion. Basically the situation is that the Petersham Bakery doesn't want me to stop buying donuts because I'm their best customer. At the same time they are starting to get a little worried about how I am ever going to pay off my tab. My doctor is also telling me that if I don't cut back on the donuts a heart attack is imminent but to stave off the threats posed by donut withdrawal I should allow myself a few more donuts.

Basically I need to go and do something productive rather than just getting fat on cheap donuts. Going on a diet, working hard and paying back the bakery is not really a fun option though, so it's a bit of a quandary as to what to do.

Monday, July 25, 2011

As good as Bradman

Whenever someone does something special people come straight out and compare them to Bradman. But how are you supposed to compare a cricketer who played 70 years ago with a cyclist winning the tour in 2011? Cadel's win was ridiculously frickin awesome but compare him to Bradman and all of a sudden everyone is going "he's good, but I don't know if we should put him up there with Bradman". Eddy Merckx is probably cycling's answer to Bradman but most of the people who start making comparisons are too stupid to know who the hell he is.

I also hate it when the first thing the media reports is about how much someone is going to make in sponsorship and endorsements. Do you think Cadel spent is whole life training ridiculously hard for the prospect of being rich? I think he was slightly more motivated by the glory of riding down the Champs Elysees with a few hundred thousand people cheering him on for being super mega good at riding a bike.

Any idiot could have done that

How many times have you stood in front of some multi-million dollar piece of art and said "any idiot could have done that?" Well I plan on being that idiot. I'm putting together an art show filled with a whole lot of wanky art which doesn't take too much talent to create.

Appropriately my show will be titled "any idiot could have done that". One of my major works will be a massive canvas with the word "tiny" written on it. I'll also have a grain of rice with the word "huge" written on it. It will all be about keeping things in perspective and reminding people about the starving children in Africa. I think I will call it "maybe you should sponsor a child instead of buying this piece of crap".

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

victory celebrations

When cyclists cross the line in the tour de France they typically adopt the classic "look mum, no hands" pose. It would probably be way more impressive if they did something like this.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Go-get horse

Those go-get cars are a good idea if you don't already own a car but I do and I think it would be way cooler if I could go and ride a go-get horse. I know horses aren't the most popular form of transport these days but I reckon they would be if people could just ride them every now and then without having to worry about all that combing and feeding and re-shoeing. There is a small park just up the road which I think would be the perfect pick up spot for the go-get horse. I would like to just take the horse to the pub, tie him up out front, get in a Western style bar brawl/gun fight, get thrown out of the first floor window and land on my trusty go-get horse. Then he would just take me off into the sunset or something.

A go-get dog would also probably be good.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Stussy pants

Back in the early 90's every kid who was cool wore stussy pants, Doc Martens/Air Jordans and a stussy t-shirt with a lion and lyrics lifted from Bob Marley's Redemption Song on the back.

Stussy pants were awesome, because this being the age of MC Hammer, they were designed with a very generous cut which really suited people of ample thigh and arse. Had I grown up in the skinny jean era I just don't think I would have survived.

Over the weekend I spent ages trying on jeans and none really fitted that well. As fashion is cyclical I'm thinking it might just be the time to bring stussy pants back. Surely there are some vintage ones on eBay I can buy.


Taxing polluters for belching out carbon monoxide is probably a good idea but I think there are some other simple measures we can adopt that have some added benefits.

1. Get rid of speed bumps. All that needless slowing and acceleration causes pollution and pisses me off.

2. Make kids walk to school. If all the mums would just keep their 4WD's in the driveway maybe the little fuckers wouldn't be so fat.

3. Ban flights to Bali. It's not really worth producing all that carbon just for bogans can drink cheap piss with other Aussies and show off their amazing cultural experience by purchasing a bintang t-shirt.

4. Tax bottled water at 500%. If you are such a bloody snob that you can't use a bubbler you should have to pay $10 for your polluting plastic bottle.

5. Shut down bikram yoga studios. There's no need to waste all that heating energy just so some sweaty hippy can go one inch closer to sucking on their own genitals.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Men it tights

It used to be that the only men who wore tights were hardcore cyclists, poofters in productions of Robin Hood and poofters who did ballet. If you were a normal bloke and were doing a physical activity in the cold your legs were covered by trackydacks. Were a man to turn up to footy training in 1995 wearing tights he would suffer a world of humiliation and pain.

Times however have changed. Flick on the news and you'll see whole teams of young footy players preparing for their big match with only a thin layer of fabric separating their balls and the rest of the world. Cleverly marketed as "compression wear" these tights are supposed to magically prevent muscle damage or something. I don't believe that is the reason for their success though.

Firstly, I believe many men have a strong urge to put their cock on display and now that budgie smugglers are frowned upon athletic tights have proven an excellent outlet.

Perhaps more important than this though is the fact that athletes want to differentiate themselves from junkies. Trackies are a junkie uniform and when wearing them people pretty much assume that you are going to steal from them. With tights on however there is nothing to hide.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Economics of thievery

Back in the day thieves used to go to great effort, risking imprisonment and severe back pain by man-handling bulky televisions. Now it is just about impossible to walk down the street without tripping over one that has been discarded. To those who got put away for stealing a top of the line cathode ray TV this must seem a cruel irony.

Personally I'd like to see the people who design televisions get put on to designing cars. Unlike TV's cars really haven't changed much in the past couple of decades and as a result you can leave your 95 Carolla in a dodgy enough part of town and it may still get stolen.

Really, why do't new cars weigh half as much, cost half as much, drive themselves and go forever on solar power? Why don't they fly like the Jetsons promised they would? Why is my perfectly functioning five year old car still worth $15,000 while my perfectly functioning five year old television is worth nothing.

Innovation can be judged by the value of the superseded technology. The faster something becomes not worth stealing, the more progress has been made. Car designers have been lazy and if they don't pull their finger out you will soon see a whole lot of wankers lining up to get the first Apple iCar.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Getting Old

Today I realised I was old. You see I am the owner of a hose. It is a pretty special hose that my sister bought me. It is grey rather than the standard green which marks it as a very classy hose. Anyway my hose was violated, presumably by rumbustious youths seeking bong components. Staring at my dismembered hose I felt a tinge of anger, then a tinge of nostalgia and then my back hurt so I decided to go inside and lie down.