Thursday, December 8, 2011


I feel sorry for pineapple. People say it has no place on a pizza. Others say it has no place on a hamburger. Why? Just because it is ridiculously sweet?

Being sweet shouldn't be a reason for rejection. Pineapple makes me happy. We should stand up for pineapple rather than deriding it and excluding it. End pineapplephobia now.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


On the ad for health care fund BUPA they pose the question "what would you do if you met a healthier version of yourself. I'd probably take him to the pub and buy him a chicken schnitzel and a coopers. I wouldn't try to fight him because he would probably outlast me.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Religion vs. Santa

Believing in Santa becomes a bit ridiculous after you turn about eight. The idea of some overweight old dude flying around the world thanks to magic reindeers, shimmying down a few million chimneys and making it back to the North Pole without having a heart attack or getting his red suit filthy with soot just doesn't add up.

At the same time I was learning about Santa I also learned about Jesus. This guy could convert water to wine and wine to blood. He could walk on water, feed large crowds of people, heal the sick and rise from the dead. Like Santa he also had the ability to know if I'd been bad or good but he was somehow even more magic.

When I came to realise Santa was bullshit I got to thinking the miracles of Jesus might be some elaborate made up stories too. For some reason however there were lots of grown ups who seemed to believe in Jesus. It was like they were crushed by the utter disappointment of Santa not being real and couldn't face another magic man being exposed.

I think I'd be more inclined to believe in Jesus if there wasn't the possibility he was just a magician who was ahead of his time. I also might be more inclined to believe in Jesus if I hadn't been lied to about Santa.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

What to be scared of

People are incredibly scared of things which will probably never effect them. Paedophiles, terrorists and sharks all frighten the bejesus out of people but do harm to a minute number of people.

What we should be scared of are all the things which are normal. Normal may be spending the vast majority of your waking hours working. Normal may be finishing your day with three hours of shit tv because you can't be bothered to think after working for ten hours straight. Normal may be downing ten beers every Friday night because at least it means you are not spending the night watching crappy TV. Normal may be driving your kids to school in a big 4 wheel drive because you are worried about paedophiles. Normal may be knocking on people's doors to try to try to make them believe in the same god as you. Normal may be wearing tights to the shopping centre even though you are grossly overweight and everyone can see your bits wobbling underneath that overstretched bit of spandex.

The scary thing about things which are normal is that they just gradually become part of your life. Because other people think they are normal you come to accept them no matter how crap or ridiculous they are. Society makes you scared of not being normal.

We need to be brave and judge things on good or bad, rather than normal or not normal. Normal can be pretty fucked up.

Why didn't Doogie Howser tell me that in his little computer journal?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The library

The rise of e-books means libraries are going the same way as video stores. So what are all those shelves going to be filled with once people start downloading stuff? I really think they need to diversify.

Wouldn't it be cool if you could borrow a kayak? How awesome would it be if you could drop in to the library prior to your party and pick up a punch bowl? I have no idea what you use an angle grinder for but I'd love to know that if I needed one I could avoid a trip to Bunnings and get it free from the library.

It wouldn't be hard to get it started. People have loads of stuff that they rarely use that is just taking up space. Surely you could part with that fondue set if you knew you could pick it up at any time should you have a desire to eat things on skewers coated in four types of melted cheese.

Fancy dress parties would be way easier if you could just go to the library and get a Spiderman outfit. You could wear a different outfit every week. It would be ace.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Piano Man

When I was in high school I had to sing in the rugby choir. I don't know why we had a rugby choir but I think it might have been some sort of punishment for people in the rugby team beating up people in the choir. I think we had two songs in our repertoire - Waltzing Matilda and Billy Joel's Piano Man.

There is a lyric in that song which has me a little flummoxed.

Paul is a real estate novelist who never had time for a wife.

What the hell is a real estate novelist? I spend my whole life writing about real estate but the most you will get out of me is a few hundred words on a luxury waterfront or a news article on the state of the market. How do you do a whole novel and what on earth happens in a real estate novel? Once you've built a house it pretty much just stands there for the next couple hundred years. It just doesn't sound like a very interesting plot for a book.

Why doesn't Paul have time for a wife? Is that a euphemism for Paul being gay? I mean he is talking to Davy who's still in the navy and probably will be for life. Perhaps Paul is just really dedicated to his real estate novel writing and doesn't want to a waste a spare minute with some wife looking for keys in her handbag, fussing about home improvements or babbling on about something unrelated to his key interest of real estate.

Maybe I need to send Billy Joel a letter.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

It's not an investment bank

It was 34 degrees the other day and driving past the Crystal car wash I spotted the most ridiculous thing I'd ever seen. All the dudes scrubbing the cars were wearing long sleeve shirts and ties. I don't know what genius decided business attire was required for sudsing up a car but to me that just seems cruel. It makes me not want to go there for a number of reasons.
1. I try not to support businesses where the bosses are cruel arseholes.
2. If they have no idea about dressing appropriately do they have any idea about how to wash a car?
3. If you have a tie on it is going to flop down and get all wet when you wash the top of the car. I doubt whether they will clean my roof thoroughly.
4. They probably don't want to get dirt on their long sleeve shirts. They are not going to attack the really filthy awkward bits.
5. It sends a pretty scary price signal. They are probably way more expensive than the t-shirt place.
6. It makes it really awkward when the cleaner is better dressed than I am.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Throw away society

I just bought an all-in-one scanner/copier/printer. I already had one but it was out of ink. The weird thing was that it was actually cheaper to buy a new printer than to buy new ink - so now I have an awesome new $49.99 wireless printer on my desk and a perfectly functioning old printer sitting on the footpath waiting for someone to pick it up. It's stupid. I had to save forever to buy a walkman and it was with me until music didn't come on tapes anymore. There was love. Now technology is so cheap you just use it and throw it away. It makes feel dirty.

Thursday, October 6, 2011


Despite our reputation as being laid back, Australian workers slave away for some of the longest hours in the world. Most of these hours don't go adequately rewarded.

I believe that as well as paying their employees overtime, employers should also be made to pay the partners of their employees who are being robbed of quality time. Even if the person is single their tennis partner, drinking buddy or scrabble opponent should be compensated.

Understandably, doing overtime can also lead to a shitty mood. As such an additional shitty mood loading should be paid to the partner. I don't know what the price of happiness is but I'd like to be part of the committee who work it out.

Of course after doing so much overtime the employee will feel less inclined to do housework once they arrive home. It would seem sensible that the employer hire a cleaner to make sure the home is spotless on their return.

The stress of overtime also effects the health of the employee. As such the employer should pay for a gym membership, fruit baskets and a foot massage or something.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Google made 1/2 my education irrelevant

Considering how much of my life was devoted to education it is pretty disappointing how much of that time was wasted. All those thousands of facts I rote learnt didn't really need to be learnt. Now if I really need to know the capital of Brunei Google will tell me it is Banda Seri Begawan - it will even have the right spelling.

Whole subjects were wasted. What was the point of all that high level maths? I didn't need to know how to work out quadratic equations - the only maths I ever use is to add up my golf score. We all knew Latin was a waste but it is pretty disappointing that everything else was too.

I use English. Business studies was probably useful and art was fun but the rest of it was really a giant waste of my childhood. They should have had subjects like how to do mad jumps on your bike without falling off, how to talk to chicks without being awkward, how to dance in a way which isn't embarrassing etc. It would have been way more useful.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


Being born in the late 70's pretty much meant that everything cool had already be done. When Jimmy Hendrix was playing guitar with his teeth and lighting it on fire, it was innovative and new. When Evil Knievel was jumping is Harley over a whole lot of buses he was the acest dude alive. But then the whole extreme movement came along and made everything you do seem totally pissweak. Now you have to jump over a ridiculous number of buses before people will care and even then they probably won't because you don't have a name with as much cache as Evil Knievel. Also some other dude is probably doing it with two backflips thrown in.

When everyone was conservative you could be rebellious and shocking. Now you would have to film a celebrity sex tape while going over Niagara Falls in a flaming barrel for people to take notice.

Also all the cool shit that we thought we would have by now just hasn't come about. When they were playing golf on the moon people were thinking they would probably have an 18 hole course up there by now. When I watched Back to the Future 2 I thought I was going to own a hoverboard. It's ridiculously disappointing.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Wedding presents

I think the system for giving wedding presents is all screwed up because no one needs a 100 fancy presents all at the same time. Also it sucks if you buy a present and then they get divorced in a year and all the plates that you bought them were smashed in a fight. I propose a different solution.

Instead of getting all the presents on the one day, the couple would get a present on each anniversary. The presents would get better and better as the years went on, so for your first anniversary you may get an ashtray, while for your 30th you might get a pair of his and hers hoverboards (surely the future will have caught up with Back to the Future 2 by then). It would introduce a fun element of gambling in to the whole thing. If you knew that he was a philanderer and she was a mega-bitch you could opt to buy them an entire 72 piece dinner set in 40 years time, knowing they were unlikely to stay together. It would also provide incentives for people to stay together and remain in contact with old friends.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Poor design is annoying and it is particularly annoying when it is centred in a very prominent position, right between your legs. The engineering on the penis is commendable - all that hydraulics and the ability to dispense two liquids through the one tube is pretty awesome. The final design does however have some major flaws. The vinyl car seat factor - Remember those sweaty summer days when you had to peel yourself off the back seat of the kingswood? All too often I'm trying to walk around with that same sensation in my scrotum. This sticky, stretchy bit of skin is stuck to my leg or folded over in some sort of uncomfortable origami swan. Despite how uncomfortable all us menfolk are no doubt feeling, the laws of society just don't permit us to readjust while waling down the street. It's torture. The little deaf kid factor - Once when I was in year 8 this little deaf kid came up to me at the bus stop and kicked me square in the nuts for no reason. It was ridiculously frickin painful. Surely if something is that susceptible it should be hidden away or padded, not left in the way of cricket balls and the flying Doc Martens of psycho deaf kids. The elephant man factor - It's not pretty is it? Who ever thought girls would be turned on by something which if dangly, hairy, slightly lopsided, with a whole lot if veins running through it? It's as though God was playing a cruel practical joke and just didn't want us to have sex. I think it would be awesome if penis 2.0 would come out. A sleek new design with internal balls, caramel tasting ejaculate and WiFi.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Should you be doing that?

Jimmy Barnes was a pretty major alcoholic, apparently drinking two bottles of vodka a day. The last time I saw him he was on Enough Rope talking about how he'd fucked up his health, relationships and life in general. At that stage he had been to rehab, sworn off the grog and was imbibing nothing more toxic than chamomile tea.

For this reason I was more than a little surprised to see Jimmy Barnes starring in an ad for Wild Turkey. Can anyone else see a problem here? He may be beloved of the bogan target market but what genius advertising executive decided the best person to spearhead an alcohol advertising campaign would be an infamous alcoholic?

I don't know if Jimmy is short of a buck or just a complete fucking idiot. If you have a problem with the booze maybe promoting bourbon shouldn't be how you choose to earn a living.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I don't want to be a wise man

In primary school I was selected to be one of the three wise men in the school Christmas pageant. Desperately not wanting to do it I hid all notes about the Christmas pageant from my mum. I was about to get away with it until one December night when my mum decided it was curious that she hadn't heard anything about this momentous annual event. She rifled through my bag, discovered it was on that very night and within minutes I was forced into a kaftan, smacked and pulled kicking and screaming in to the Gemini.

At that stage it wasn't being wise that I really objected to - it was wearing a kaftan. Did all the blokes back in Jesus' time really get around in tie-dyed dresses? If they were such wise men wouldn't they have thought of wearing pants or something a little less gay?

Unfortunately the pressure to be a wise man never really lets up. The older you get the more people expect you to be sensible. Is it really wise to shove twisties up your nostrils and flap around on the couch pretending you are a walrus? Possibly not, but it is way more amusing than sitting still and watching ads for hand sanitiser. Being sensible doesn't make for an awesome life. It's all the stuff which is regarded as risky, ill-advised or a gigantic waste of money that generally makes life worth living.

If you do what is considered wise all the time, you will probably die boring and rich with funeral insurance. Be stupid and you might have some cool stories to tell.

Work hours

Fortunately I no longer have a boss and can pretty much work the hours I want but most people I know work about 9 hours a day and that's just stupid. I think everyone should work school hours. 9.15 - 3.15 is plenty of time to get shit done. Of course there would have to be play lunch and big lunch and sports day on Wednesday. It would also be good if could just swap jobs every 40 minutes.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Gay stickers

If you've sat behind an oversized SUV or family station wagon chances are you've seen those little white stick figure stickers showing the composition of the family. There is usually a mum and a dad, a boy, a girl, a baby, a dog, a cat etc. Sometimes they have a surfboard or a bike or something too. Seeing those stickers just makes me want to accelerate really hard and smash the back of the car so they will have to replace it with one that doesn't have stickers on it.

I think this shitty trend needs to be subverted in the name of gay pride. I would like to produce a sticker with one guy bending over another guy. Maybe one of them could be dressed up in a gimp suit or something.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


Many people spend their lives always telling themselves they are about to go on a diet. I believe these people are bound to get fatter.

My theory is that the body is pretty smart and if it knows that it is about to suffer a period of low calorie intake it stores away energy in the form of fat. If however the body knows that it has a steady supply of ice cream and donuts heading its way it will just convert all that unneeded stuff in to poo.

If you want a diet to be effective make it a snap decision - or just don't diet at all. You'll probably be happier and thinner.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Clydesdale category

When looking through the details of the mountain bike event I'm doing on the weekend I was curious as to what the Clydesdale weigh-in was. I found out it was one of the most brilliant innovations ever. Basically if you are a bloke and weigh more than 110kg's with your bike you can enter in the Clydesdale category (>85kg's for chicks). That's pretty much spot on for me and my 13kg bike and means I won't suffer from onerous comparisons with those gaunt looking people who don't have to lug around nearly as much weight. Unfortunately as I am doing it as part of a team with a far lighter girlfriend I am ineligible this year. I plan however on making a serious tilt next year if I can build up the stamina for an 8 hour ride. Obviously I will not be able to train too hard and risk losing too much weight to qualify.

I'd like to see a Clydesdale category in the Tour de France. The jersey could be vertical stripes because they are supposed to be slimming.

Monday, August 15, 2011


I've always been a pretty happy chappy but last night I went to bed at 8.30 just because the conscious world seemed so annoying and disappointing. Thankfully I've perked up a bit since then but it did get me thinking.

Depression is a sucky state to be in and people in that sucky state find it hard to do the awesome things that make life worth living. I know the government is spending a lot on mental health but I don't know if forking out billions for doctors and pills is the answer.

How about we spend a little bit on elephants and monster trucks? Just imagine if you got to ride to work on an elephant and ride home in a monster truck. It would be awesome and it would just make life seem better.

If you knew a friend was going through a hard time you could just ring up the government happiness department and organise them an elephant ride or some fireworks or a swimming session with a hot chick dressed up as a mermaid. I think it would help.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Become a thief

I left my bike locked up outside the Bondi Police station yesterday. Sadly my key broke in the lock and I was forced to resort to drastic measures to free it. Firstly I bought a pair of pliers and twisted the key around while a whole lot of cops stood around watching. One of them had brought three giant sized boxes of donuts back from the store, pretty much reinforcing every stereotype I had. When that failed, there was a cab ride, a visit to Bunnings and an eventual return with a massive pair of bolt cutters.

I would have thought when a guy with a shaved head, a three day growth and a hoodie starts attacking a bike lock with bolt cutters directly outside a cop shop, some suspicions may be raised. Apparently not.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I'm not 4

How come Julia Gillard always sounds like she is talking to a kindergarten class? It's embarrassing.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Life insurance

I think buying life insurance is a bad move. Effectively you are making a bet that you are going to die young, which should you win you won't be around to collect on. That's not my main objection though.

Watch any murder mystery and the motive is always the life insurance. Take out a policy and your chances of getting whacked by your nearest and dearest go up immeasurably.

Of course your chances of a premature death rise by amount 10 million per cent if you go anywhere in the vicinity of Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote. Wherever that old owl popped up people were just getting done in left right and centre. I have a theory she was actually a serial killer who just planted all these convincing clues to frame people, then hypnotised others into confessing. I wouldn't be going to a dinner party with her.

Monday, August 1, 2011

bananas in pyjamas

I think we should start drug education early. There should be a rework of bananas in pyjamas called Smackies in Trackies.

Distant relationships

Why are all of us rich westerners becoming more and more miserable? I have a theory that it is due to having too much personal space.

This morning I saw a couple double-dinking on a pushie and they were having a million times more fun than any one of us perched alone in our comfortable expensive automobiles. It got me thinking about Asia and how commonplace it is to see a whole family aboard a 50cc Honda. Usually they look pretty damn happy even though there is no built-in TV screen to hypnotize the children.

We have become the "ew, don't touch me" culture and we are getting worse. We live in empty McMansions. Our beds are nothing like they were in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and for lots of people I know public transport is torture.

I got on a bus in Fiji and instead of everyone being gloomy, listening to their iPods and flashing pissed off psycho looks so no one sits in the empty seat next to them, it was a real party atmosphere. The bus was pretty packed and Fijians being Fijians they were pressed up pretty close together. It was fun, just like the school bus was fun (except for that time I got smacked in the head by that 10th grader from WRB*)

Perhaps if we just stopped spending our whole lives trying to avoid other people we would be way happier. Seriously I should be telling this theory to you at a pub rather than writing it on my laptop in my lonely living room. Let's meet up. I'll catch the bus there.

*WRB stood for West Ryde Boys. It's not a very imaginative name is it? As for NME (the Naughty Menace Establishment) someone I know can be very proud.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Make money from your post

Google encourages me to make money from my post with relevant ads from google adsense. But what product is really relevant to me crapping on about horse wars? No one reads this shit anyway. I'm not going to sell out for 3 cents.

Horse war

Horses hate ponies. They are going to have a big war and you would think the horses would win but the ponies are going to get the mules and the donkeys and the zebras on their side and they will eventually triumph.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Economics explained

Finance stories on the news can be dull and difficult for ordinary people to grasp. I think should try something like this:

I go the Petersham Bakery and these big chocolate donuts which are just $1.20. It's far cheaper than I could ever make them and they taste awesome so I buy them. Now just imagine I'm America and the Petersham Bakery is China. Also imagine that instead of paying cash for my donut I ask for them to put it on my tab and instead of buying one donut a week I buy a few billion. Basically the situation is that the Petersham Bakery doesn't want me to stop buying donuts because I'm their best customer. At the same time they are starting to get a little worried about how I am ever going to pay off my tab. My doctor is also telling me that if I don't cut back on the donuts a heart attack is imminent but to stave off the threats posed by donut withdrawal I should allow myself a few more donuts.

Basically I need to go and do something productive rather than just getting fat on cheap donuts. Going on a diet, working hard and paying back the bakery is not really a fun option though, so it's a bit of a quandary as to what to do.

Monday, July 25, 2011

As good as Bradman

Whenever someone does something special people come straight out and compare them to Bradman. But how are you supposed to compare a cricketer who played 70 years ago with a cyclist winning the tour in 2011? Cadel's win was ridiculously frickin awesome but compare him to Bradman and all of a sudden everyone is going "he's good, but I don't know if we should put him up there with Bradman". Eddy Merckx is probably cycling's answer to Bradman but most of the people who start making comparisons are too stupid to know who the hell he is.

I also hate it when the first thing the media reports is about how much someone is going to make in sponsorship and endorsements. Do you think Cadel spent is whole life training ridiculously hard for the prospect of being rich? I think he was slightly more motivated by the glory of riding down the Champs Elysees with a few hundred thousand people cheering him on for being super mega good at riding a bike.

Any idiot could have done that

How many times have you stood in front of some multi-million dollar piece of art and said "any idiot could have done that?" Well I plan on being that idiot. I'm putting together an art show filled with a whole lot of wanky art which doesn't take too much talent to create.

Appropriately my show will be titled "any idiot could have done that". One of my major works will be a massive canvas with the word "tiny" written on it. I'll also have a grain of rice with the word "huge" written on it. It will all be about keeping things in perspective and reminding people about the starving children in Africa. I think I will call it "maybe you should sponsor a child instead of buying this piece of crap".

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

victory celebrations

When cyclists cross the line in the tour de France they typically adopt the classic "look mum, no hands" pose. It would probably be way more impressive if they did something like this.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Go-get horse

Those go-get cars are a good idea if you don't already own a car but I do and I think it would be way cooler if I could go and ride a go-get horse. I know horses aren't the most popular form of transport these days but I reckon they would be if people could just ride them every now and then without having to worry about all that combing and feeding and re-shoeing. There is a small park just up the road which I think would be the perfect pick up spot for the go-get horse. I would like to just take the horse to the pub, tie him up out front, get in a Western style bar brawl/gun fight, get thrown out of the first floor window and land on my trusty go-get horse. Then he would just take me off into the sunset or something.

A go-get dog would also probably be good.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Stussy pants

Back in the early 90's every kid who was cool wore stussy pants, Doc Martens/Air Jordans and a stussy t-shirt with a lion and lyrics lifted from Bob Marley's Redemption Song on the back.

Stussy pants were awesome, because this being the age of MC Hammer, they were designed with a very generous cut which really suited people of ample thigh and arse. Had I grown up in the skinny jean era I just don't think I would have survived.

Over the weekend I spent ages trying on jeans and none really fitted that well. As fashion is cyclical I'm thinking it might just be the time to bring stussy pants back. Surely there are some vintage ones on eBay I can buy.


Taxing polluters for belching out carbon monoxide is probably a good idea but I think there are some other simple measures we can adopt that have some added benefits.

1. Get rid of speed bumps. All that needless slowing and acceleration causes pollution and pisses me off.

2. Make kids walk to school. If all the mums would just keep their 4WD's in the driveway maybe the little fuckers wouldn't be so fat.

3. Ban flights to Bali. It's not really worth producing all that carbon just for bogans can drink cheap piss with other Aussies and show off their amazing cultural experience by purchasing a bintang t-shirt.

4. Tax bottled water at 500%. If you are such a bloody snob that you can't use a bubbler you should have to pay $10 for your polluting plastic bottle.

5. Shut down bikram yoga studios. There's no need to waste all that heating energy just so some sweaty hippy can go one inch closer to sucking on their own genitals.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Men it tights

It used to be that the only men who wore tights were hardcore cyclists, poofters in productions of Robin Hood and poofters who did ballet. If you were a normal bloke and were doing a physical activity in the cold your legs were covered by trackydacks. Were a man to turn up to footy training in 1995 wearing tights he would suffer a world of humiliation and pain.

Times however have changed. Flick on the news and you'll see whole teams of young footy players preparing for their big match with only a thin layer of fabric separating their balls and the rest of the world. Cleverly marketed as "compression wear" these tights are supposed to magically prevent muscle damage or something. I don't believe that is the reason for their success though.

Firstly, I believe many men have a strong urge to put their cock on display and now that budgie smugglers are frowned upon athletic tights have proven an excellent outlet.

Perhaps more important than this though is the fact that athletes want to differentiate themselves from junkies. Trackies are a junkie uniform and when wearing them people pretty much assume that you are going to steal from them. With tights on however there is nothing to hide.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Economics of thievery

Back in the day thieves used to go to great effort, risking imprisonment and severe back pain by man-handling bulky televisions. Now it is just about impossible to walk down the street without tripping over one that has been discarded. To those who got put away for stealing a top of the line cathode ray TV this must seem a cruel irony.

Personally I'd like to see the people who design televisions get put on to designing cars. Unlike TV's cars really haven't changed much in the past couple of decades and as a result you can leave your 95 Carolla in a dodgy enough part of town and it may still get stolen.

Really, why do't new cars weigh half as much, cost half as much, drive themselves and go forever on solar power? Why don't they fly like the Jetsons promised they would? Why is my perfectly functioning five year old car still worth $15,000 while my perfectly functioning five year old television is worth nothing.

Innovation can be judged by the value of the superseded technology. The faster something becomes not worth stealing, the more progress has been made. Car designers have been lazy and if they don't pull their finger out you will soon see a whole lot of wankers lining up to get the first Apple iCar.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Getting Old

Today I realised I was old. You see I am the owner of a hose. It is a pretty special hose that my sister bought me. It is grey rather than the standard green which marks it as a very classy hose. Anyway my hose was violated, presumably by rumbustious youths seeking bong components. Staring at my dismembered hose I felt a tinge of anger, then a tinge of nostalgia and then my back hurt so I decided to go inside and lie down.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Economics and sitting about at home

If I go to the bottle shop $40 buys me a whole slab but if I go to the pub $40 is only likely to get me around seven beers. Economically it just doesn't make sense to go out. This weird disparity causes cocooning, social isolation and really high ratings for masterchef.

Were this disparity reversed however our society may become a far more connected, interesting place. Perhaps people would go out all the time and have real conversations. Your local would probably become like Cheers where everybody knows your name and they're really glad you came.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I just spent a good portion of my day putting together a fancy Swedish bike carrier and fitting it to my roof racks. It's the kind of thing that is really easy when you know what you are doing but when you are like me it is completely crap and annoying. The most annoying thing are the instructions, which in some bizarre long-held Swedish tradition, don't have any words at all. They say that they do this so it can be universally understood - I just think they are way too cheap to hire translators.

I really didn't want to squint at some complex diagram to work out what I was supposed to do so instead I checked out YouTube and there was a video of some blonde chick installing it in about three seconds. That just annoyed me even more because she had the correct roof racks to start with and had obviously practised 35 times before to make it look ever so simple. Bitch.

I was in the rain awkwardly holding 2 partially disassembled roof racks (from a different manufacturer), a bike carrier, a set of allen keys and a bunch of crucial little metal parts that were likely to fall in the gutter and get washed away forever. It looked nothing like the video or the crap diagram instructions.

If they really wanted to help surely they would just colour code every screw and the thing that it goes into. They could also have a video with some useless bloke who shows you the fifteen different ways you can go wrong. That way your ego wouldn't feel so crushed when you stuff it up .

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Original thought

Today I came up with a new word, which I was pretty damn proud of. I then went to put it into urban dictionary and found three people had already put in definitions for it. That made me feel way less special.

My word was awesomnia. Awesomnia is that feeling you get when you flick on to a late night SBS film and you just can't go to sleep because you just know that any minute the hot Swedish/French/Italian/Japanese chick is going to display her breasts. It's not just saucy foreign films that can give you awesomnia. The word pretty much covers any activity so good that it forces you to stay up past your bed time.

Had the internet never existed I could have gone on thinking that I'm a unique and special flower who invents cool new words. I hate you internet.

MTV Cribs

MTV Cribs is a little like Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous but for rappers and without the host with cool voice. It's one of the funniest shows I have watched. All these badass guys who rap about living on the mean streets of Compton and getting shot at are proudly showing off the fancy kitchen appliances and oversized shoe closets within their plush mansions. Suddenly they are fussing over their soft furnishings and talking up their antique crystal chandeliers. Good to see they are keeping it real.


When I worked at Kmart they used to have these cool pod things that you would put the cash in. You'd then put the pod in a tube and like magic it would be sucked up in to the roof at lightning speed. Using the money pods was pretty much the coolest thing about working at Kmart because there really wasn't much good about working at Kmart. For starters I was often wearing a novelty tie featuring Kermit the frog playing golf and on top of that embarrassment I spent most of my time scanning oversized underwear of oversized pensioners who would then pay with an assortment of small change and buttons which they mistook for small change. I once gave directions to Kamahl when he was trying to find David Jones but other than that the money pods were definitely the most positive memory I had.

I would really love it if instead of using boring means of transport such as cars, trains and buses we could use pods. Apparently it is possible. Some dude called Lyle Zapato has been working on it. Check it out

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The deli counter

The ticket system works okay at Woolworths however I think there is a better way to go about things. If I were running the place I'd have a system where the most physically ugly get served first. Ugly people suffer so many hardships in life. In job interviews they are often passed over in favour of more attractive candidates. It's also rare for them to attract supermodels as girlfriends (unless they really rich). People also say really mean things to them like "wow, you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every stick on the way down."

My ticket system would allow ugly people to get some advantage out of being ugly. Having a face like a car crash would suddenly be the passport to instant cabanossi. My system would also give women something to look forward to as their looks fade. Perhaps they would even stop buying overpriced wrinkle cream if they knew crows feet would allow them to purchase devon that much quicker. Of course it would also make waiting a far more pleasurable experience. Every time you got overlooked it would be a small ego boost. Instead of feeling pissed off after waiting around for ten minutes you would probably feel mega hot.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


I've been trying to sell my bike online and I got someone saying they would pay $200 more for it than I was asking! Awesome huh? They then sent me an email saying they had sent to my paypal account $2850 which was $2100 for the bike and an extra $750 that I was to send via Western Union to a "shipping agent" in Turkey. I pretty quickly realised it was a scam and this was confirmed when I got bogus emails purportedly from paypal claiming I had received a payment.

I sent the scammer "Laura" the following email.

Hi Laura,

I’ve just had some great news. I was speaking to my uncle Clarence and he happens to be travelling to Turkey on business next week. He said he his happy to take the bike over with him on the plane saving you those outrageously high shipping charges.

I thought it odd that Clarence was travelling to Turkey as his job is wholesaling cheap Chinese carpets and as far as I knew Turkey has a fine tradition of carpet making. Clarence however told me “Turkey is full of good for nothing scammers who try to pass off cheap Chinese carpets as antique Turkish ones, fooling gullible people from overseas rather than putting in an honest day’s work.” He then said some very racist things regarding the personal hygiene and sexual predilections of the Turkish.

I am afraid Clarence’s attitudes may have been coloured by those of his grandfather Walter ‘Pretty Boy’ Watson who served in Gallipoli and was maimed in the exploding camel incident of Christmas 1915. Walter was enjoying the Christmas day ceasefire when a camel was sent across no man’s land from the Turks carrying what appeared to be an offering of Turkish delight. The camel was however rigged with explosives and unfortunately Walter copped a flying hoof square in the melon. From that day on his moniker became purely ironic and he never again trusted a Turk.

Anyhow, if you would just like to let me know your address I can get my uncle Clarence to drop off the bike along with the extra money you supposedly sent through for the shipping. I’ll try to make sure he doesn’t have one of his racist outbursts.



Monday, May 16, 2011


I always find it interesting when people exploit loopholes to get around paying tax or basically doing anything that the man wants them to do. I can remember when it was decided that GST would be applied to everything but fresh fruit the owner of a bike store said he would start selling apples for $1000 and give away a free bike with each apple. Don't think he got away with it but I liked his thinking.

While I hate smoking I think there could be a quite lucrative loophole to be exploited in the sale of tobacco. Considering a pack of fags costs $16 to buy and about 20 cents to produce a smart operator could make considerable profits. Unlike marijuana or opium poppies I believe it is still legal to grow tobacco. Selling it however brings you into all sorts of issues. As such I would start an overpriced gift store which didn't sell any tobacco but where every item came specially gift wrapped in a tobacco leaf. Customers may still have to cut up the leaves and roll their own ciggies but I'm sure they would still come out way ahead and I could become fabulously wealthy at the expense of their health.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Who will play you in the movie of your life?

I just saw Erin Brokovich on an ad for some legal firm. Not only was it interesting to see a do-gooder selling out, it was interesting to see what the woman who was played by Julia Roberts really looked like. From the amount of plastic surgery it appeared she had, it seems like she must have been frustrated by the ongoing comparisons and was doing anything possible to try and avoid people saying "wow she looks way less hot than that chick with the big teeth who played a hooker in that movie with Richard Gere".

If they ever made a movie about my life I'd get the role of me to be played by someone who was incredible ugly. That way when people met me they would all say "wow, you are far more handsome than that chap who played you in Smells Like Middle Aged Spirit - the Jamie Watson Story.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Discount bunnies

I've stuffed myself full of chocolate since Easter but when I walked in to Woolworths today chocolate bunnies were 80% off. When bunnies are just 29c it's not even a decision really.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Peter Allen denies global warming

But as the world gets older and colder
it's good to know where your journey ends

Peter Allen wrote these famous words in 1980 as part of his hit song "I still call Australia home". What scientific evidence did he have for it? My worry is that Australia has adopted it as one of our national songs and people will think we just don't believe in global warming.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Getting your priorities in order

I've always admired Irish rugby player Brian O'Driscoll but he has just gone up even further in my estimation. The dude declined an invitation to the royal wedding because he has got footy training on. Awesome.

Thorpie should take a leaf out of Brian's book. Put away the tux, pull the speedos over your oversized posterior and get back in the pool you pearl wearing wanker. Do Australia proud.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Kick 'em while they are down

I saw this advertisement at the Big Bear Shopping Centre. Unfortunately it was positioned directly in front of the handicapped car space. If I didn't have legs I wouldn't be impressed.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

torture buns

While chowing down on a hot cross bun the other day I started to think, isn't this a bit frickin weird? I mean, how did it come to be that we celebrate Easter by eating spicy fruit buns decorated with an instrument of torture?

I guess it all started with a marketing meeting between the disciples where they brainstormed a logo for the church. I imagine it went something like this:

How about a glass of water that turns into wine?
I like it but how the hell are we going to print that? We don't have magic ink that goes from clear to red.

Ok, How about one of the other miracles then? What about a loaf and a fish?
I don't really know if people like fish sandwiches all that much. Maybe we could just do a fish? I find fish really hard to draw though so maybe we could just do a really simple fish.

Dunno, sounds okay but maybe we should just save that as a secondary symbol that people put on the back of their Carollas.
What the fuck is a Carolla?

Maybe we could do a star?
The Jews already have that.
Yeah but maybe we could paint the middle bit in red like New Zealand.
What the fuck is New Zealand?

Fuck it, let's just do a cross?
Isn't that a bit morbid?
Yeah but it is bloody easy to draw. it's settled, we're having a cross. Now go make me some spicy buns.

flat tops

I've seen a lot of ironic 90's undercuts happening lately but I'm really keen for people to get back to the flat top. At high school my mate Joel had a flat top that was so perfect as to be mesmerising. I couldn't look the dude in the eye because I was always looking at the perfectly flat form of his head. (For this reason I've never felt too guilty when my eye gets drawn to cleavage - I simply appreciate geometry). His hair was always immaculately gelled and the straight flat form reminded me of a miniature aircraft carrier.

Monday, April 18, 2011

My email to Sorbent

It seems really strange you guys make toilet paper with little sea shells and seahorses printed on it. I've been swimming in the ocean and had little shells go down my swimmers - they were really scratchy. Seahorses are also quite rough with all these little spines that poke out. When I see them on the toilet paper it makes my lower regions nervous. I think you should change your toilet paper so it has tigers on it. Tigers are way softer than seahorses and they look way cooler too.

Thank you for your e-mail regarding Sorbent toilet paper, we always appreciate hearing from our customers.

This is great feedback, and something I will certainly pass onto our Sorbent Marketing department.

Thank you once again for taking the time to contact us and share your concerns. If you have any further comments or queries, please do not hesitate to contact us on Ph: 1800 806 832.

Kind regards

Jessica Mahon
SCA Consumer Care


It was great feedback. I hope the marketing department get on to this immediately.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Why I hate going out for breakfast

Every weekend cafes are crowded with wankers having breakfast and when I'm forced to be one of them it annoys me greatly on a number of levels.

1. The waste of time factor - Weekend hours are precious so I'd like to spend them doing something mega fun such as thrashing my mountain bike, not driving to some cafe, waiting for some useless pimply kid to take my order and then waiting another half an hour for something to arrive that would take me three minutes were I to cook it myself. People normally book breakfast for about 10.00 which means I have breakfast at home beforehand because I just can't wait that long. It kind of makes going out for breakfast redundant.

2. The waste of money factor - I'll happily pay a premium to eat things that would be really difficult for me to cook myself but why spend up big for a fry up? Fuck your $6 orange juices. Fuck your so called big breakfast with the skimpy amount of bacon and cold toast. Why the hell is anyone ordering a $14 muesli? Fuck that too.

3. The child factor - They are an inevitable presence at any breakfast outing and when a child is stuffing a strawberry up their nose, flinging cutlery or screaming uncontrollably because their babycino isn't just the way they like it, it is really hard to win the attention of the table. I could be the most witty person in the world yet what mother is going to listen to me when their little terror is slapping yoghurt in their hair?

4. The alcohol factor - Not only must I put up with children at breakfast I must do so without the numbing effects of alcohol. Until it becomes socially acceptable to drink in the am I'm not accepting any further breakfast invitations.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


People tend to talk about being inspired by greatness. I however am way more inspired by things that are a bit shit, because it's only when something crap succeeds I find myself thinking "wow, I could do way better than that - maybe I should."

When people look at a Jackson Pollock painting they all think the same thing. "that dude just randomly threw some paint around and it's worth millions of dollars - maybe I should try that."

When I watch Iain Hewitson I am inspired to host my own cooking show because it seriously couldn't be any crapper than Huey's Cooking Adventures. And how many people have watched Hey Hey it's Saturday and decided that they could be ten million times better than Daryl Somers at hosting a TV show?

When I watch Warnie bowl I think I could never do that. Watch Nathan Hauritz however and I find myself thinking if that pie chucker can get himself a baggy green I should probably go practice my spin bowling right now.

Now people can succeed despite not having any discernible talent whatsoever. Paris Hilton was projected to fame by looking slightly bored in a home made porno and right away a whole slew of vacuous young skanks were inspired. They realised that they didn't need talent. They just needed a publicist, a famous boyfriend, a DIY conviction, a few visits to rehab and maybe their own reality TV show.

So if you are looking for inspiration stay well clear of the truly talented - they will just put you off. Check out the crap and they'll give you confidence that anything is possible.

Monday, April 11, 2011


This whole pokie pre-commitment card thing seems like a complex solution when a far more simple thing would work.

One option would be to go back to having pokies with an arm you pull down. In this way peoples' arms would get sore after a while and they would have to stop feeding their grocery money to the machines. I don't know if it would be 100% effective though. It could just result in a whole lot of problem gambler pensioners with big guns.

The best solution would be to combine pokies with treadmills. The pace would gradually crank up so the pokie addicts would have to continually pick up their pace to avoid falling arse backwards onto the luridly coloured carpet. Only Steve Moneghetti would have the stamina to lose any serious dosh. The best part of the plan is that that the loss in poker machine revenue would be offset by getting formerly sedentary pokie players fitter and creating a lower strain on our health care system.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Making Formula 1 more exciting

I can get excited about pretty much any sport except for Formula 1 racing. The cars just go round and round and round while I sit there hoping to God there will be a crash. It's not that I want bad stuff to happen to the drivers, it's just that watching 100 laps of a car not crashing is really frickin dull.

To improve Formula 1 I would introduce a number of obstacles themed to each track. In Australia I'd release a whole lot of kangaroos, emus and wombats to dodge. In Spain I'd release a whole lot of bulls Pampalona style, while in Brazil they would all have to overtake massive Carnivale floats. For the British Grand Prix I'd just let loose a whole lot of drunken football hooligans. It would be a better spectacle and a better test of driver skill.

On every track I'd also have a loop the loop section like my brother and I had on our Scalextric set - that was wicked.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Thinking as punishment

It used to be that if you put snails down your sister's dress and squashed them your parents would give you a smack. It was fair enough and you could always tell how bad a thing you had done by how hard you were smacked (or by the implement chosen to smack you with). Somewhere along the line however parenting got all PC and the punishment of smacking was replaced with the punishment of having the child stand in the corner and think about what they had done. I believe this is why so many Gen Yers have turned out as mindless wankers.

When you make thinking a punishment it's natural kids will be far less likely to want to do it of their own accord. That's why you never see any Gen Y person just sitting in a quiet corner thinking. Instead they have wholeheartedly embraced facebook, twitter and any other distraction that means they won't have to spend time alone with their thoughts.

I put this theory out there not to castigate our youth but so that the next time you receive a tweet from some youngster describing what a fantastic crap they are in the process of doing you may understand why they are like that.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

misplaced happiness

"we're all going on a summer holiday". No we are fucking not. It's autumn, I'm in Woolworths and I'm trying to decide between frangipani, sandalwood and jasmine or ylang ylang and vanilla hand wash. I don't even know what the fuck a ylang ylang is. And how is body wash different from hand wash? And why can't we just use normal soap? Let's get rid of these 60 racks of specially formulated bullshit and just have bars of Sunlight soap for when you are feeling a bit povo and Imperial Leather for when you are feeling posh. And let's have it without fucking Cliff Richard reminding me that my next holiday is nine months away.

Super happiness should not be thrust upon anyone. When I see those commercials with the super smiley people dancing around with their big red hands singing about how prices are down it doesn't make me feel happy. It mostly makes me want to hit them in the teeth. It also makes me sad that the actors had to give up that little bit of their soul to earn a few bucks that they will end up spending at a cut-price liquor store owned by the same corporation as they develop inevitable alcohol abuse problems following merciless teasing from anyone who knows them.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

TV news doesn't need sound

I like to get rid of all the blah blah blah on the news by muting the sound and watching the pictures to the sound of my favourite music. It makes the whole world a lot simpler and nicer. Tonight there are some things which are happy like a dog getting a bravery award for its work in Afghanistan and another dog getting rescued from the rooftop of some tsunami-wrecked house floating of the Japanese coast. Then there were not so happy stories about people firing weapons at other people in Libya and Ivory Coast. It will probably take a while but I'm betting these situations will eventually work themselves out and we'll get some happy stories about a Labrador being installed as the Libyan President or something. SBS news is the best. They have cool graphics and better clothes.

A reminder of failure

Even weeks and months after elections the streets remain lined with placards placed high up on telegraph poles showing the ugly mugs of candidates who failed. How depressing must it be for those beaten people driving down those streets seeing that once optimistic face staring back at them - a sad reminder that they just aren't popular enough.

The problem is at this stage most of them can't handle spending weeks climbing up ladders to take the placards down. It's depressing and they've got other things to do like look for a new job. They've also run out of funds to pay someone else to do it so barring a cyclone the stupid things just don't come down.

I think we need signs that self-destruct in the same way as the messages Maxwell Smart got. As soon as the election is finished POOF!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Old people should be more adventurous

When you are old you don't have to worry about what your boss thinks - you are retired. You don't have to worry about what your parents think - they are dead. You don't even have to worry what society thinks - you are allowed to be a little eccentric. So how come most old people dress in the most boring outfits and don't do anything more exciting than lawn bowls? I plan on starting a rock band when I'm 80. I am going to get around in a pink tux and have a white snake draped around my shoulders. Hopefully I can grow one of those curly moustaches by then.

Turtle Head

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are dying for a number two and you just can't find a place to do it? I hate those dreams. Last night I had one where I was coming across all these toilets that were broken down, indescribably filthy, open to public view or really good but filled with handicapped people. Eventually I found myself in a cinema which was a great relief because they always have toilets. I saw one of the cinema workers skulking around in the corner and asked him where the gents was. He said they were closed for cleaning for the next fifteen minutes and then I looked down and saw he was masturbating. He obviously couldn't wait either. I then made a mental note to write to Hoyts complaining about their lack of toilet facilities, their masturbating ushers and of course their outrageous ticket prices.

Soon after I woke up and realised an awesome toilet was just metres away. I think I might still write that letter though.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I am a home wrecker

There is this big spider that likes to attach its web to our clothesline. Every day I break all the strands that it has woven to the clothesline and it then spends the next 24 hours building a better, stronger web.

I feel bad for destroying its home but surely that is better than gassing it with Mortein or squishing it with a shoe. The stupid thing just really doesn't learn. It's like all those people who buy a house on a flood plain and then act all surprised when a flood comes and their toaster is floating about the living room.

Monday, March 28, 2011

The three bears

When we hear the story of Goldilocks we hear it from the perspective of Goldilocks but no one really stops to think about what is going on in the bears' lives.

The first thing I would deduce is that Father bear and Mother bear aren't getting on really well - after all they are sleeping in separate beds.

The second thing that concerns me is that they are eating porridge. Bears should be eating salmon and rabbits and other things they kill. Going on to a vegetarian diet isn't going to be good for them. Bears shouldn't be worried about their weight. They need to be a little fat for when they hibernate.

It is also strange they are cooking three different lots of porridge. It would be way more sensible to just do one. I also don't understand why they didn't stick around to eat the porridge. My bet is father bear said "fuck this vego shit - let's go down to the creek and get some salmon.

Another concern is their lack of home security. It shouldn't be that easy for a little girl to just waltz in and start eating stuff and breaking their furniture. I guess they also have invested in a better chair for their only cub and not just got some bodge one they found by the side of the road.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Classy arms

With so many people covering themselves in ink I have devised a new product which promises to be a massive hit in about five years time when they realise the dragons/skulls/deeply meaningful Chinese symbols adorning their arms are all a bit crap. Classy Arms would be a lifelike second skin available in a variety of different sizes and tones with freckles, hair and everything. The men's version may even have a little padding in the bicep area to make them look that extra bit built. Classy arms would cost a few thousand dollars but compared to hundreds of hours of laser removal they'd be a far better option. People would buy them for weddings, job interviews and any other occasion where they didn't want to look like a bogan. When Classy Arms takes off I will follow it up with Classy Arse. This would eliminate tramp stamps, dodgy buttock tattoos and unsightly cellulite.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Women's logic in advertising

I love Labor's advertising campaign. Rather than relying on saying something positive about themselves or something negative about the opposition they have relied on the far more innovative tactic of exploiting women's logic.

The ad shows an average looking woman with an average looking man in an average looking house. Somehow she arrives at the conclusion that she should overlook the fact that Labor has completely fucked things up and vote for them again because otherwise she might give the Liberals too much power. To reaffirm how smart this woman is they follow this ad with another where her average looking husband completely changes his mind and basically says "you know what love, I think you are absolutely right - it would be completely silly for me to vote for the people I think were most capable of running things when I can just follow your logic to some obtuse conclusion." He does it without so many words or the sarcasm though.

Basically the campaign is trying to tell women that voting for Labor is such a smart thing to do that your husband will instantly see you as a far more thoughtful and intelligent person. Whoever devised this campaign is a frickin genius.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

What does your loo say about you?

I love that ad for one of those flushy things where they ask "what does your loo say about you?" While I'm not too worried by people judging me by the state of my crapper, I do like the idea that my toilet may actually talk.

Personally I'd like to imagine my toilet has a bitchy gay voice and tells anyone who cares to listen "his arse is surprisingly hairy, with a few nasty pimples and a touch of girly cellulite - not very attractive at all."

Monday, March 14, 2011


I don't understand why superheroes always have to transform from some shy geeky guy into a big musclular hunk in spandex. It's boring. I want a superhero who starts off all good looking and buff but upon leaving the phone booth has a combover and a paunch. Instead of a cape he would have a magic cardigan. He'd also have a red pen that he'd use to correct spelling and grammar wherever he travelled. The pen probably wouldn't need to be magic, just felt tip or something...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


International women's day is a good chance for all the femmos to come out in the media and whinge about women not getting paid as much as men - apparently 17% less on average. But is this really because there is some conspiracy to rip women off or is it because of the choices women make?

You won't find many women doing jobs where you have to get dirty. There aren't a hell of a lot down mines, on off shore oil rigs or ankle-deep in shit fixing your plumbing. Of course anyone who does spend their days in a dark hole, covered in coal dust and breathing in dangerous gases probably deserves to be paid more than someone who works in a shopping mall selling frocks.

Another category of high paying jobs women tend to steer clear of is nerdy jobs. You just don't find many female computer programmers, engineers or actuaries. Complex coding and all those mathematical equations are not just hard to get your head around, they are also really quite boring. I completely understand why most women don't want to shut themselves off in some dimly lit cubicle and do them.

It makes good sense to pick a job which is nice, clean, interesting and not overly taxing on your brain or body. Something where you don't have to work ridiculous hours, live in a horrible location or sacrifice your soul for corporate success. Most women pick these desirable jobs while men commonly do far less appealing jobs in order to rake in their extra 17%.

There are of course shit jobs that don't pay particularly well - such as nursing. Why anyone would ever want to be doing shift work in a depressing hospital, getting paid a crap wage while tending to patients who throw up/assault/die on you is beyond me. It's a profession dominated by wonderful women who've made really crap decisions.

So ladies if you want more money reconsider the job you choose. Alternatively buy less shoes.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Good on Amy Winehouse

I am tired of anyone who gets in any sort of a controversy issuing some pathetic media statement saying they are dreadfully sorry for their actions, they have a problem and they are checking themselves into rehab. The media statement should read "I fucked up big time, I'm annoyed I got caught and now I'm going somewhere I can escape media attention. I would also like to blame my actions on my alcohol/substance abuse/ADHD/Depression/sex addiction issues rather than the fact that I'm weak, have no morals and wanted to fuck/snort/punch whatever was in front of me."

Amy Winehouse may be a fuck-up but her determination not to follow all those other celebrities into some rehab centre is admirable. If you are going to be a fuck-up own it.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The problem with elections

The whole idea of having popularly elected leaders seems really appealing however there is one major problem - most people are idiots (which ensures politicians are constantly pandering to idiots rather than doing anything smart).

I think instead we need a multi-part talent contest/quiz show. There could be all sorts of things to go through before you become a leader. The quiz show bit would kick out anyone who was a bit simple and didn't understand what's going on in the world. Basically it would prevent people like George W rising to any position above hamburger flipper. I think there would then have to be an elocution section so we wouldn't have to be embarrassed by being represented by bogan drawlers such as Julia. It's important leaders look the part so obviously there would have to be some kind of visual aspect too (formal wear is fine - I don't need my leader to look good in a swim suit). This being a nation with a fine sporting tradition they would have to be able to perform basic sporting activities such as bowling a cricket ball down a pitch without it bouncing 8 times before it got to the kid at the other end - Johnny would have failed on this one. I would also like some quest at the end of it all where they battle a dragon or something because I think they need to earn the respect of the nation.

We would end up with a brave, smart, good looking, athletically talented leader and a far better Australia (plus I wouldn't have to bother going to some church and putting numbers on one of those stupidly big bits of paper which doesn't really fit in the booth and then having to fold it 12 times to fit it in the box which is already crammed full).

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Is cyberbullying making kids fat?

It used to be that the school bully would chase you around the playground, tackle you to the ground, pin down your flailing limbs you and give you a wedgie. Whether you were the bully or the bullied a fair bit of energy was expended in the exchange.

Now however the bully just gets on facebook and calls the other kid a poohead. No wonder they are all such boombaladas. I really think there should be a campaign to bring back proper physical bullying. This would keep kids on their toes and develop their skills for running, evasion and self-defence.

Just imagine if lions stopped chasing after zebras and instead just chowed down on doritos while posting stuff online saying that zebras were shit and stripes were lame. You'd have an animal kingdom full of bitchy fat fucks and David Attenborough documentaries would become way more boring.

Harden up fat kids. A little violence is good for you.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

White Space

White space is valued in graphic design. Designers realise that by clearing away all the extraneous bullshit the eye is concentrated on the things that are really important. Chefs have also come to understand this concept and thus often place their fancy little entrees on big white plates, making them look way more impressive.

I think the concept of white space needs to be expanded far further. Just imagine how many conversations could be improved with a little white space. Simply eliminate boring small talk, conversations about medical complaints, complaints about work, obvious statements, questions with obvious answers, questions that have already been asked, views that are already known and any other annoying bits which don't really add much.

Having a little white space would mean people wouldn't say nearly as much but when they did open their mouths you'd be excited to hear what was coming out and chances are it would be something far more interesting than "this mozzie bight is really itchy". Of course it's itchy, it's a mozzie bight. If you find yourself doing this get some cream, get over it and think of something more interesting.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


Porn should really be better than it is. After all, it is a global multi-billion dollar industry. Sadly it is generally let down by the fact that the product is cheap...and nasty.

There comes a point where seeing some chick with plastic tits, plastic stripper shoes and something large in each orifice doesn't really hold much interest. After all, how are you supposed to fantasise about someone whose main talent is warming oversized cucumbers? of course, instead of trying to make things classier the pornographers just keep making things... unnaturally large.

DIY porn has also had an impact. Now any ugly fat mole with a web cam can share her sloppy sexual moments with the whole wide world. Terrible lighting, bad camera angles - most don't even bother to make the bed beforehand. If you are going to degrade yourself why not have some decent production values and tidy up a bit?

Maybe there should be a few plot surprises in pornos. When you see a pool boy with unusually small shorts and an unusually big wang you can pretty much guess what is going to happen next. But what about if half way through it turns into a vampire movie and the lady nibbling on his appendage grows fangs?

Monday, February 7, 2011

Cry babies

Why is everyone kicking up such a stink about classrooms not being air-conditioned? Kids should just learn to harden the fuck up. If your kid is too fragile to go without air-conditioning maybe you should pack them off to some posh private school where they will kept at a constant temperature of 23 degrees. Studying in a baking hot demountable teaches you a valuable life skill - that of not being a soft little pansy.

If we wanted to cool down we had a bubbler. It was fine.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

For the glory of Virgin

I really don't care that Ian Thorpe is back swimming because there is no way he is swimming for the glory of his country - he is swimming for the glory of some airline owned by a Pom. I understand corporate sponsorship helps athletes make a living but I'm sick of them all being owned by a brand. If all those sponsors had not have thrown as much money at Thorpie in the first place he wouldn't have been able to afford to take six years off, swanning around the world attending fashion shows. The lazy prick might have got off is oversized arse and won us some gold at Beijing.

Is it really necessary that we call teams the Qantas Wallabies, the HSBC Waratahs or (back in the 90's) the Coca Cola Kings? The sponsors should really just all piss off and return sport to when it was amateur and awesome. I want occupation listed as one of the fields in every player profile - they should be getting fit by working as a garbo or a piano removalist, not being looked after by a team of sports scientists. I want to go to a stadium which isn't named after a telecommunications provider. I want athletes who are playing just because they love to punch on or want to get away from a nagging missus of a Saturday afternoon. I want them to warm up with Dencorub and cool down with a cheap domestic beer, not some bullshit isotonic sports drink. I want the love back!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


When people respond to a question with the word "whatever" they may think they are portraying a cool nonchalance but the fact is they are not being helpful with their easygoing pretence - they are being fucking lazy. In a world of unlimited options we need people who are prepared to stand up and make a decision. I want Lithuanian lamb cutlets for dinner. I want to go to the circus on Saturday. I want to watch Scooby Doo and some weird SBS movie during the ad breaks. I want the number 8 birthday cake with the racing cars on it and I don't care that I'm 33 and it's not my birthday - that's what I want!

I think I am going to open a restaurant called "I don't know, wherever". After all, how many times must people ask "where do you want to go for dinner" and receive that as the response? My place would be permanently booked out. To save time menus would only be given out to the decision maker at each table. It would be like the olden days "I'll have the Lithuanian lamb chops and she'll have the pigs trotters with a side of vegetables, thank you." If there are no decision makers at the table they'd just get brought out whatever.

Sunday, January 30, 2011


Sometimes you don't hear all of a conversation but the bit you do hear can be quite disturbing. The other day I heard these words from the woman across the road while she was talking on her phone: "is that because I know where the body is buried?".

To be fair she could have been talking about a cat but then surely she would have said "is that because I know where Mr Whiskers is buried?" assuming as I do that her cat was named Mr Whiskers.

She could have been talking about Elle McPherson who was nicknamed "the body" but as far as I know she's not dead. If it was her grandpa that she was talking about surely she would have the decency to still call him Pop rather than "the body".

I really hope I don't see any shovels in the back of her car.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Biggest Boozer

This has to be the next reality TV hit. Like Biggest Loser but more violence, abusive language and drunken attempts at sex. I'd like to mix it up with some glamorous high society types, a couple of filthy winos, a few slutty bogans and a handful of rugby league players. Just put them in a house with a well stocked bar and watch the train wreck in all its glory! Tears, self-improvement, relapses - it would have it all. When someone eventually won, you'd then hand them a big magnum of champagne and there would also be a magic moment of awkwardness.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Laugh Sluts

If you are a comedian you really need to pick your venue. Some crowds can be hard to please and downright hostile, so if you want to break in to the world of comedy don't do your first gig at some half empty comedy bar - instead head straight for the tennis. Tennis crowds will laugh at anything. Play guitar on your racquet and it's hilarious. Pull your shorts up high and you are a comedy genius. You could tell the lamest knock knock joke at the tennis and you'd have 10,000 people wetting themselves.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

A question of etiquette

Recently whilst in Sri Lanka I visited an internet cafe. The proprietor kept me waiting for quite a number of minutes while he used the computer himself. Finally he signalled for me to take my turn. To my suprise there were three separate windows of porn open. Not knowing quite what I should do I took a very quick peak at the little Asian woman and the big black man on the screen, giggled slightly, then closed the windows before opening up another to check my email. Once I was done I got up to pay the man. He looked at the computer and seemed a little bemused. Was I wrong to close his three windows of porn? Really, what is the correct etiquette in this situation?