Thursday, August 25, 2011

Gay stickers

If you've sat behind an oversized SUV or family station wagon chances are you've seen those little white stick figure stickers showing the composition of the family. There is usually a mum and a dad, a boy, a girl, a baby, a dog, a cat etc. Sometimes they have a surfboard or a bike or something too. Seeing those stickers just makes me want to accelerate really hard and smash the back of the car so they will have to replace it with one that doesn't have stickers on it.

I think this shitty trend needs to be subverted in the name of gay pride. I would like to produce a sticker with one guy bending over another guy. Maybe one of them could be dressed up in a gimp suit or something.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


Many people spend their lives always telling themselves they are about to go on a diet. I believe these people are bound to get fatter.

My theory is that the body is pretty smart and if it knows that it is about to suffer a period of low calorie intake it stores away energy in the form of fat. If however the body knows that it has a steady supply of ice cream and donuts heading its way it will just convert all that unneeded stuff in to poo.

If you want a diet to be effective make it a snap decision - or just don't diet at all. You'll probably be happier and thinner.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Clydesdale category

When looking through the details of the mountain bike event I'm doing on the weekend I was curious as to what the Clydesdale weigh-in was. I found out it was one of the most brilliant innovations ever. Basically if you are a bloke and weigh more than 110kg's with your bike you can enter in the Clydesdale category (>85kg's for chicks). That's pretty much spot on for me and my 13kg bike and means I won't suffer from onerous comparisons with those gaunt looking people who don't have to lug around nearly as much weight. Unfortunately as I am doing it as part of a team with a far lighter girlfriend I am ineligible this year. I plan however on making a serious tilt next year if I can build up the stamina for an 8 hour ride. Obviously I will not be able to train too hard and risk losing too much weight to qualify.

I'd like to see a Clydesdale category in the Tour de France. The jersey could be vertical stripes because they are supposed to be slimming.

Monday, August 15, 2011


I've always been a pretty happy chappy but last night I went to bed at 8.30 just because the conscious world seemed so annoying and disappointing. Thankfully I've perked up a bit since then but it did get me thinking.

Depression is a sucky state to be in and people in that sucky state find it hard to do the awesome things that make life worth living. I know the government is spending a lot on mental health but I don't know if forking out billions for doctors and pills is the answer.

How about we spend a little bit on elephants and monster trucks? Just imagine if you got to ride to work on an elephant and ride home in a monster truck. It would be awesome and it would just make life seem better.

If you knew a friend was going through a hard time you could just ring up the government happiness department and organise them an elephant ride or some fireworks or a swimming session with a hot chick dressed up as a mermaid. I think it would help.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Become a thief

I left my bike locked up outside the Bondi Police station yesterday. Sadly my key broke in the lock and I was forced to resort to drastic measures to free it. Firstly I bought a pair of pliers and twisted the key around while a whole lot of cops stood around watching. One of them had brought three giant sized boxes of donuts back from the store, pretty much reinforcing every stereotype I had. When that failed, there was a cab ride, a visit to Bunnings and an eventual return with a massive pair of bolt cutters.

I would have thought when a guy with a shaved head, a three day growth and a hoodie starts attacking a bike lock with bolt cutters directly outside a cop shop, some suspicions may be raised. Apparently not.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I'm not 4

How come Julia Gillard always sounds like she is talking to a kindergarten class? It's embarrassing.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Life insurance

I think buying life insurance is a bad move. Effectively you are making a bet that you are going to die young, which should you win you won't be around to collect on. That's not my main objection though.

Watch any murder mystery and the motive is always the life insurance. Take out a policy and your chances of getting whacked by your nearest and dearest go up immeasurably.

Of course your chances of a premature death rise by amount 10 million per cent if you go anywhere in the vicinity of Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote. Wherever that old owl popped up people were just getting done in left right and centre. I have a theory she was actually a serial killer who just planted all these convincing clues to frame people, then hypnotised others into confessing. I wouldn't be going to a dinner party with her.

Monday, August 1, 2011

bananas in pyjamas

I think we should start drug education early. There should be a rework of bananas in pyjamas called Smackies in Trackies.

Distant relationships

Why are all of us rich westerners becoming more and more miserable? I have a theory that it is due to having too much personal space.

This morning I saw a couple double-dinking on a pushie and they were having a million times more fun than any one of us perched alone in our comfortable expensive automobiles. It got me thinking about Asia and how commonplace it is to see a whole family aboard a 50cc Honda. Usually they look pretty damn happy even though there is no built-in TV screen to hypnotize the children.

We have become the "ew, don't touch me" culture and we are getting worse. We live in empty McMansions. Our beds are nothing like they were in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and for lots of people I know public transport is torture.

I got on a bus in Fiji and instead of everyone being gloomy, listening to their iPods and flashing pissed off psycho looks so no one sits in the empty seat next to them, it was a real party atmosphere. The bus was pretty packed and Fijians being Fijians they were pressed up pretty close together. It was fun, just like the school bus was fun (except for that time I got smacked in the head by that 10th grader from WRB*)

Perhaps if we just stopped spending our whole lives trying to avoid other people we would be way happier. Seriously I should be telling this theory to you at a pub rather than writing it on my laptop in my lonely living room. Let's meet up. I'll catch the bus there.

*WRB stood for West Ryde Boys. It's not a very imaginative name is it? As for NME (the Naughty Menace Establishment) someone I know can be very proud.