Friday, June 25, 2010

Forget the leaky boat

If you really want to escape your country you could:
a) give your life savings to a people smuggler, get on an overcrowded leaky boat, cross the high seas and find your way to a remote detention centre.
b) work on your backhand.

Watching Wimbledon I'm seeing chicks like Rodionova and Groth following in the footsteps of that other true blue Aussie, Jelena Dokic. I'm kind of glad that we have someone to cheer for but I just wish in the post match interview they would learn to say something like "I feel tops. That last set was a bloody ripper."

It's not just tennis either. If you are anyone capable of bringing glory to this country we'll wrap you up in green and gold and express post you a passport. Kosta Tszyu you're true blue. Tatiana Grigorieva you are dinky di as. If you are awesome at sport come on down. We want you.

I'm really hoping Sri Lanka might produce a good leg spinning all rounder.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Australia - you got what you deserved

I don’t know if the average Aussie is incredibly na├»ve or just fucking dumb. What happened to KRudd suggests both. The man put up a mining tax which would have meant billions of bucks being paid by big corporations rather than the average Joe. It should have been a sure-fire vote winner. “Do you want someone else to pay your tax?” I’d expect “Yes fucking please” to be the typical response.

The mining companies were obviously not too keen on it. In what must have been one of the most successful campaigns of all time they managed to convince the average Joes that having billionaires pick up a bit more of the tab was a terrible idea. They did such a good job of this that most weren’t prepared to vote for a man who made such a ludicrous proposal.

Thus we have Julia. I believe Julia would look right at home running a tuck shop but she seems well out of place running the country. Unfortunately she was so unattractive and awkward that she never got a chance to push out some ginga devil child and send it to a suburban primary school.

Monday, June 21, 2010

The problems with soccer

Soccer players are like spoilt little rich kids - soft, cry baby whingers who get rewarded when they roll around on the floor chucking a tantrum. The referees are naive parents, easily conned by this type of behaviour. I don't want to see more namby-pamby red cards and divers rolling around clutching their faces. The game would be a shitload better if we got rid of the refs altogether and let men be men.

If you get paid $5 million bucks a year you should also be able to kick a ball in a goal. How are there so many 0 - 0 draws? It's like staying up to watch a Swedish movie on SBS, getting through the whole thing and not seeing any tits - extremely disappointing. We should just make the goals massive so the overpaid wankers can actually hit the bloody things.

I think they also need cheerleaders. Watching people back pass to the goalie is deadly boring and some hot chicks with pompoms would be a welcome distraction. Some streakers would also be ace.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Sandra, that's just sad.

I've got nothing against chicks pashing. After all chicks lips are soft and tasty and who wouldn't want to kiss them? Girls pashing in an attention-seeking, cliched, scripted way at an awards ceremony is however pathetic and annoying. It's been done. I think it was Madonna and Britney, then it was someone else and now it's Sandra Bullock and Scarlett Johansson. It's like Speed 2 Sandra - you just shouldn't have signed up for it.

There are far more original things you could have done. You could have headbutted Scarlett, thrown up on her or squeezed her nipple until she let out a small high pitched shriek. If you really wanted to play on the whole lesbian thing you could have emerged from behind the podium with a large strap-on and bent her over. I don't care. Just do something original.