Thursday, February 25, 2010


As people get older they spend more time discussing their medical problems. I think part of it might be that they have more medical problems but a lot of it is because their lives become more boring and they have far fewer interesting things to talk about.

I might be falling apart but I’m making a vow not to discuss my dodgy back, fallen arches, migraines or other mystery ailments. It’s boring and as I spend not enough time conversing with people I think I should make an effort to say something interesting when I do.

“What have you been up to?” is a terrible way to start a conversation to anyone over the age of about 16 because inevitably they will come back with “just working, you know, the usual.” Ask an 8 year old and you might get to hear about how they have been amputating wings of cicadas but if you talk to a 30 year old it will just descend into some miserable catalogue of complaints about how much work sucks. I also have a terrible memory and if people ask me what I’ve been up to I have NFI.

From now on I’m going with “What’s new - any big plans?” as my opening gambit. This way people have the chance to verbalise things which they actually have a passion for and you could end up having a conversation about any number of interesting things. They might be considering buying a bunny rabbit, they might be training to climb Mt Kilimanjaro or they might be planning on knocking over the servo and would like your advice on where to buy a balaclava.

Discussing possibilities for the future is way more interesting than dry accounts of what people have been doing in the past. If “any big plans?” became the standard conversation starter people might end up having more plans. Once you verbalise an idea that’s been floating around in your head it also becomes more likely that you will act upon it. A simple change in the way we converse could thus result in everyone doing more stuff and having more interesting, fulfilling lives.

The other suggestion I have is to have conversations in French because conversations in French always sound really interesting and animated. The major downfall is that I can’t understand French. They are probably all just discussing medical problems and how much work sucks anyway.

Awesome Church

I was driving through Haberfield the other day and noticed the "Awesome Church". With such a bold piece of branding it seemed like it might be way more awesome than the Catholic Church or the Church of England. While already feeling spiritually fulfilled I was intrigued and checked out their website. Turns out they have a really fancy one. They also have their own TV shows and something called Divine Health.

The minister spruiking Divine Health doesn't give it the most ringing endorsement however. This is his thinking - "In hundreds of church services over the years I have seen thousands of believers come forward to receive healing prayer. An honest assessment of the results? Some have been healed; the majority have not been healed. Many times I have asked, why is this?

I'll tell you why. God, if he does indeed exist, just isn't listening to some bullshit "awesome" church. If you want to be healed you should go to a doctor. Failing that you might consider Chinese medicine. If you must start praying you should do it in some frigid church with terrible organ music, flat singing and rock hard pews. Once you've endured that for fifty years maybe then you can consider asking if the big guy will do you a favour. If you've been listening to Christian rock in the plush air-conditioned comfort of some slick marketer's idea of a church, I just don't think you've earned the right.

I'm sure the Awesome Church makes heaps of money. I think I might start up the Toally Ace Church and maybe even a Fully Sick Church in Sydney's south west.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Ear candles

Yesterday I had this weird buzzing in my head that made me think that I was actually a robot and some electrical component next to my left ear was continuously tripping. I was like a pissed off version of Dexter.

The more likely possibility was that my eardrum was finally rebelling against me probing cotton buds in there every day - I know it says you are not supposed to do it but how can anyone resist that lovely feeling of wiggling a short pole around inside a precious cavity? Anyway, it was really frickin annoying.

I considered getting some eardrops to fix the problem but no one likes the feeling of having liquid in their ear hole. Instead I thought I’d give an ear candle a try. Being a closet pyro the thought of having something burning stick in my head seemed like an awesome idea so I drove up to Bob’s Late Night Chemist and bought the most expensive set of ear candles ever (I haven’t bought ear candles before but $17 for two candles just seemed a bit over the odds).

Apart from having to watch TV from a weird angle the experience was pretty good. The candle makes a few hissing and crackling noises, brings a little warmth to your ear and smells a bit like a joss stick. I cut the candle open afterwards and there seemed to be lots of wax inside – I’m guessing it was from my ear but it could have from the candle.

Despite the cleansing effects my ear was still buzzing so I went to the doctor today and he gave me some eardrops. Effective but not nearly as fun.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Reaching out to a wider audience

Blogs are great but few people actually ever read them. Lots of people however buy crap online.

In an effort to get rid of our hideous shell water feature I recently put an ad on ebay for it. Now heaps have people have read my ridiculous description and I'm even getting randoms saying I should get a prize or something. Frankly, I'm just happy someone is going to stump up money for our stupid concrete clamshell.

I'm considering selling more stuff on ebay as a platform for my ranting. Then I could put a book together of all the different descriptions. The book probably wouldn't sell that well and I could put all the extra copies on ebay, thus completing a useless circle.

Been Caught Stealing

Personally I quite like the approach to theft prevention employed by our local grocer. Posting a big security camera picture of the offender and letting the world know that they've been caught stealing tampons is pure genius. Somehow I don't think shoplifting chick will be back next month...

The picture did give me an idea though. I think it would be cool to dress up in a burglar's outfit complete with an eye mask and beanie, then steal a torch. Then I'd dress up like a dog and steal a can of dog food. Then I'd go in as a monkey and steal a bunch of bananas. The pictures on the front of the store would be awesome!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Fixies are for fashion victims

Fixies are bikes designed for riding around a velodrome. They don’t have gears and they don’t have brakes because on a velodrome you don’t really need those things. Yes, they look all cool and minimalist but I just can’t explain why anyone would ride one around the streets - other than the fact that they are massive fashion victims.

Most fixies are created from people destroying perfectly functional road bikes. Just strip off the gears and the brakes and maybe get rid of the grip tape on the handlebars so you can burn the fuck out of your hands every time your beautiful piece of shit is left out in the sun. Smart.

I can understand the wankers in Melbourne doing it but Sydney has hills and how cool can you really look pushing your bike up some pathetic incline? Sydney also has mental drivers and whilst trying to avoid them I like to have all the braking power I can get hold of. After all how stylish can you look when you are on the asphalt bleeding?