Thursday, September 29, 2011

Google made 1/2 my education irrelevant

Considering how much of my life was devoted to education it is pretty disappointing how much of that time was wasted. All those thousands of facts I rote learnt didn't really need to be learnt. Now if I really need to know the capital of Brunei Google will tell me it is Banda Seri Begawan - it will even have the right spelling.

Whole subjects were wasted. What was the point of all that high level maths? I didn't need to know how to work out quadratic equations - the only maths I ever use is to add up my golf score. We all knew Latin was a waste but it is pretty disappointing that everything else was too.

I use English. Business studies was probably useful and art was fun but the rest of it was really a giant waste of my childhood. They should have had subjects like how to do mad jumps on your bike without falling off, how to talk to chicks without being awkward, how to dance in a way which isn't embarrassing etc. It would have been way more useful.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


Being born in the late 70's pretty much meant that everything cool had already be done. When Jimmy Hendrix was playing guitar with his teeth and lighting it on fire, it was innovative and new. When Evil Knievel was jumping is Harley over a whole lot of buses he was the acest dude alive. But then the whole extreme movement came along and made everything you do seem totally pissweak. Now you have to jump over a ridiculous number of buses before people will care and even then they probably won't because you don't have a name with as much cache as Evil Knievel. Also some other dude is probably doing it with two backflips thrown in.

When everyone was conservative you could be rebellious and shocking. Now you would have to film a celebrity sex tape while going over Niagara Falls in a flaming barrel for people to take notice.

Also all the cool shit that we thought we would have by now just hasn't come about. When they were playing golf on the moon people were thinking they would probably have an 18 hole course up there by now. When I watched Back to the Future 2 I thought I was going to own a hoverboard. It's ridiculously disappointing.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Wedding presents

I think the system for giving wedding presents is all screwed up because no one needs a 100 fancy presents all at the same time. Also it sucks if you buy a present and then they get divorced in a year and all the plates that you bought them were smashed in a fight. I propose a different solution.

Instead of getting all the presents on the one day, the couple would get a present on each anniversary. The presents would get better and better as the years went on, so for your first anniversary you may get an ashtray, while for your 30th you might get a pair of his and hers hoverboards (surely the future will have caught up with Back to the Future 2 by then). It would introduce a fun element of gambling in to the whole thing. If you knew that he was a philanderer and she was a mega-bitch you could opt to buy them an entire 72 piece dinner set in 40 years time, knowing they were unlikely to stay together. It would also provide incentives for people to stay together and remain in contact with old friends.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Poor design is annoying and it is particularly annoying when it is centred in a very prominent position, right between your legs. The engineering on the penis is commendable - all that hydraulics and the ability to dispense two liquids through the one tube is pretty awesome. The final design does however have some major flaws. The vinyl car seat factor - Remember those sweaty summer days when you had to peel yourself off the back seat of the kingswood? All too often I'm trying to walk around with that same sensation in my scrotum. This sticky, stretchy bit of skin is stuck to my leg or folded over in some sort of uncomfortable origami swan. Despite how uncomfortable all us menfolk are no doubt feeling, the laws of society just don't permit us to readjust while waling down the street. It's torture. The little deaf kid factor - Once when I was in year 8 this little deaf kid came up to me at the bus stop and kicked me square in the nuts for no reason. It was ridiculously frickin painful. Surely if something is that susceptible it should be hidden away or padded, not left in the way of cricket balls and the flying Doc Martens of psycho deaf kids. The elephant man factor - It's not pretty is it? Who ever thought girls would be turned on by something which if dangly, hairy, slightly lopsided, with a whole lot if veins running through it? It's as though God was playing a cruel practical joke and just didn't want us to have sex. I think it would be awesome if penis 2.0 would come out. A sleek new design with internal balls, caramel tasting ejaculate and WiFi.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Should you be doing that?

Jimmy Barnes was a pretty major alcoholic, apparently drinking two bottles of vodka a day. The last time I saw him he was on Enough Rope talking about how he'd fucked up his health, relationships and life in general. At that stage he had been to rehab, sworn off the grog and was imbibing nothing more toxic than chamomile tea.

For this reason I was more than a little surprised to see Jimmy Barnes starring in an ad for Wild Turkey. Can anyone else see a problem here? He may be beloved of the bogan target market but what genius advertising executive decided the best person to spearhead an alcohol advertising campaign would be an infamous alcoholic?

I don't know if Jimmy is short of a buck or just a complete fucking idiot. If you have a problem with the booze maybe promoting bourbon shouldn't be how you choose to earn a living.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I don't want to be a wise man

In primary school I was selected to be one of the three wise men in the school Christmas pageant. Desperately not wanting to do it I hid all notes about the Christmas pageant from my mum. I was about to get away with it until one December night when my mum decided it was curious that she hadn't heard anything about this momentous annual event. She rifled through my bag, discovered it was on that very night and within minutes I was forced into a kaftan, smacked and pulled kicking and screaming in to the Gemini.

At that stage it wasn't being wise that I really objected to - it was wearing a kaftan. Did all the blokes back in Jesus' time really get around in tie-dyed dresses? If they were such wise men wouldn't they have thought of wearing pants or something a little less gay?

Unfortunately the pressure to be a wise man never really lets up. The older you get the more people expect you to be sensible. Is it really wise to shove twisties up your nostrils and flap around on the couch pretending you are a walrus? Possibly not, but it is way more amusing than sitting still and watching ads for hand sanitiser. Being sensible doesn't make for an awesome life. It's all the stuff which is regarded as risky, ill-advised or a gigantic waste of money that generally makes life worth living.

If you do what is considered wise all the time, you will probably die boring and rich with funeral insurance. Be stupid and you might have some cool stories to tell.

Work hours

Fortunately I no longer have a boss and can pretty much work the hours I want but most people I know work about 9 hours a day and that's just stupid. I think everyone should work school hours. 9.15 - 3.15 is plenty of time to get shit done. Of course there would have to be play lunch and big lunch and sports day on Wednesday. It would also be good if could just swap jobs every 40 minutes.