Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I am a home wrecker

There is this big spider that likes to attach its web to our clothesline. Every day I break all the strands that it has woven to the clothesline and it then spends the next 24 hours building a better, stronger web.

I feel bad for destroying its home but surely that is better than gassing it with Mortein or squishing it with a shoe. The stupid thing just really doesn't learn. It's like all those people who buy a house on a flood plain and then act all surprised when a flood comes and their toaster is floating about the living room.

Monday, March 28, 2011

The three bears

When we hear the story of Goldilocks we hear it from the perspective of Goldilocks but no one really stops to think about what is going on in the bears' lives.

The first thing I would deduce is that Father bear and Mother bear aren't getting on really well - after all they are sleeping in separate beds.

The second thing that concerns me is that they are eating porridge. Bears should be eating salmon and rabbits and other things they kill. Going on to a vegetarian diet isn't going to be good for them. Bears shouldn't be worried about their weight. They need to be a little fat for when they hibernate.

It is also strange they are cooking three different lots of porridge. It would be way more sensible to just do one. I also don't understand why they didn't stick around to eat the porridge. My bet is father bear said "fuck this vego shit - let's go down to the creek and get some salmon.

Another concern is their lack of home security. It shouldn't be that easy for a little girl to just waltz in and start eating stuff and breaking their furniture. I guess they also have invested in a better chair for their only cub and not just got some bodge one they found by the side of the road.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Classy arms

With so many people covering themselves in ink I have devised a new product which promises to be a massive hit in about five years time when they realise the dragons/skulls/deeply meaningful Chinese symbols adorning their arms are all a bit crap. Classy Arms would be a lifelike second skin available in a variety of different sizes and tones with freckles, hair and everything. The men's version may even have a little padding in the bicep area to make them look that extra bit built. Classy arms would cost a few thousand dollars but compared to hundreds of hours of laser removal they'd be a far better option. People would buy them for weddings, job interviews and any other occasion where they didn't want to look like a bogan. When Classy Arms takes off I will follow it up with Classy Arse. This would eliminate tramp stamps, dodgy buttock tattoos and unsightly cellulite.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Women's logic in advertising

I love Labor's advertising campaign. Rather than relying on saying something positive about themselves or something negative about the opposition they have relied on the far more innovative tactic of exploiting women's logic.

The ad shows an average looking woman with an average looking man in an average looking house. Somehow she arrives at the conclusion that she should overlook the fact that Labor has completely fucked things up and vote for them again because otherwise she might give the Liberals too much power. To reaffirm how smart this woman is they follow this ad with another where her average looking husband completely changes his mind and basically says "you know what love, I think you are absolutely right - it would be completely silly for me to vote for the people I think were most capable of running things when I can just follow your logic to some obtuse conclusion." He does it without so many words or the sarcasm though.

Basically the campaign is trying to tell women that voting for Labor is such a smart thing to do that your husband will instantly see you as a far more thoughtful and intelligent person. Whoever devised this campaign is a frickin genius.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

What does your loo say about you?

I love that ad for one of those flushy things where they ask "what does your loo say about you?" While I'm not too worried by people judging me by the state of my crapper, I do like the idea that my toilet may actually talk.

Personally I'd like to imagine my toilet has a bitchy gay voice and tells anyone who cares to listen "his arse is surprisingly hairy, with a few nasty pimples and a touch of girly cellulite - not very attractive at all."

Monday, March 14, 2011


I don't understand why superheroes always have to transform from some shy geeky guy into a big musclular hunk in spandex. It's boring. I want a superhero who starts off all good looking and buff but upon leaving the phone booth has a combover and a paunch. Instead of a cape he would have a magic cardigan. He'd also have a red pen that he'd use to correct spelling and grammar wherever he travelled. The pen probably wouldn't need to be magic, just felt tip or something...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


International women's day is a good chance for all the femmos to come out in the media and whinge about women not getting paid as much as men - apparently 17% less on average. But is this really because there is some conspiracy to rip women off or is it because of the choices women make?

You won't find many women doing jobs where you have to get dirty. There aren't a hell of a lot down mines, on off shore oil rigs or ankle-deep in shit fixing your plumbing. Of course anyone who does spend their days in a dark hole, covered in coal dust and breathing in dangerous gases probably deserves to be paid more than someone who works in a shopping mall selling frocks.

Another category of high paying jobs women tend to steer clear of is nerdy jobs. You just don't find many female computer programmers, engineers or actuaries. Complex coding and all those mathematical equations are not just hard to get your head around, they are also really quite boring. I completely understand why most women don't want to shut themselves off in some dimly lit cubicle and do them.

It makes good sense to pick a job which is nice, clean, interesting and not overly taxing on your brain or body. Something where you don't have to work ridiculous hours, live in a horrible location or sacrifice your soul for corporate success. Most women pick these desirable jobs while men commonly do far less appealing jobs in order to rake in their extra 17%.

There are of course shit jobs that don't pay particularly well - such as nursing. Why anyone would ever want to be doing shift work in a depressing hospital, getting paid a crap wage while tending to patients who throw up/assault/die on you is beyond me. It's a profession dominated by wonderful women who've made really crap decisions.

So ladies if you want more money reconsider the job you choose. Alternatively buy less shoes.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Good on Amy Winehouse

I am tired of anyone who gets in any sort of a controversy issuing some pathetic media statement saying they are dreadfully sorry for their actions, they have a problem and they are checking themselves into rehab. The media statement should read "I fucked up big time, I'm annoyed I got caught and now I'm going somewhere I can escape media attention. I would also like to blame my actions on my alcohol/substance abuse/ADHD/Depression/sex addiction issues rather than the fact that I'm weak, have no morals and wanted to fuck/snort/punch whatever was in front of me."

Amy Winehouse may be a fuck-up but her determination not to follow all those other celebrities into some rehab centre is admirable. If you are going to be a fuck-up own it.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The problem with elections

The whole idea of having popularly elected leaders seems really appealing however there is one major problem - most people are idiots (which ensures politicians are constantly pandering to idiots rather than doing anything smart).

I think instead we need a multi-part talent contest/quiz show. There could be all sorts of things to go through before you become a leader. The quiz show bit would kick out anyone who was a bit simple and didn't understand what's going on in the world. Basically it would prevent people like George W rising to any position above hamburger flipper. I think there would then have to be an elocution section so we wouldn't have to be embarrassed by being represented by bogan drawlers such as Julia. It's important leaders look the part so obviously there would have to be some kind of visual aspect too (formal wear is fine - I don't need my leader to look good in a swim suit). This being a nation with a fine sporting tradition they would have to be able to perform basic sporting activities such as bowling a cricket ball down a pitch without it bouncing 8 times before it got to the kid at the other end - Johnny would have failed on this one. I would also like some quest at the end of it all where they battle a dragon or something because I think they need to earn the respect of the nation.

We would end up with a brave, smart, good looking, athletically talented leader and a far better Australia (plus I wouldn't have to bother going to some church and putting numbers on one of those stupidly big bits of paper which doesn't really fit in the booth and then having to fold it 12 times to fit it in the box which is already crammed full).