Monday, December 16, 2013

Candice Falzon

I don't need to know anything at all about who a sport star is currently sleeping with. The whole WAGs phenomenon has become a rather sad spectacle as we focus not on what is happening on the field but all this other boring rubbish which is best left to the gormless idiots who buy New Idea.

I am particularly worried about the Candice Falzon situation. A serial sports star fucker, Candice is now attempting to raise her public profile by attaching herself to David Warner. I see this going down the exact same track as Pup and Lara Bingle. It may all be rosy now but one day he is going to have to leave a tour to break up with her and a very expensive engagement ring will again go down the insinkerator.

I never want to hear a WAG interviewed. I never want to see a congratulatory tweet broadcast across the screen. Let's face it - tweeting is just another form of self promotion. Dave doesn't carry his smart phone out to the centre and check his messages after he gets a ton. If she really wants to congratulate him she can wait till he gets off the field, give him a kiss and say "well done love".


Sunday, December 15, 2013


The self-esteem of the average Australian male is dangerously connected to the success of Australian sporting teams. This may seem stupid but I think there are very valid evolutionary reasons why we personally take so much from spanking the Poms in the Ashes.

I think we can trace it right back to the apes. In ape society, the ape who wins the fights  becomes head of the pack and gets to have sex with all the lady apes. It is a pretty simple system. As we have evolved and civilised things have become a tad more complex.

For the modern man fighting is frowned upon and generally lands you in gaol. Hence we have had to develop sport. Unfortunately becoming the best in the world at sport generally takes a lot of time and effort, so instead of us actually doing it ourselves we outsource this task to others who represent us.

Critical reasoning would suggest this is stupid. It is however remarkable that whenever I'm overseas and tell people I'm an Aussie they instantly assume I'm an awesome surfer. All I can say is good work Mick Fanning.

The fact that my cricket representatives are better than some English bloke's cricket representatives allows me to feel that on an ape level I would be the powerful ape who is happily rooting all the lady apes while the English bloke is somewhere far away masturbating in a tree.

Needless to say I am really enjoying seeing us humiliate the Poms. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Vision Personal Training

Dear Vision Personal Training,

This morning I was having a lovely dream where I, along with the Dalai Lama, Michael J Fox (appearing as Teen Wolf), Kurt Cobain, Mr T and most of the Australian cricket team were playing a game similar to water polo that involved riding around on mermaids. This dream was undoubtedly better than anything I have seen at the movies for the past five years. Unfortunately just when I was getting the hang of riding my mermaid I was rudely awaken by one of your trainers who was loudly screaming at those running up the road directly below my apartment.

I looked at the clock, saw it was 6 am and tried to return to my awesome mermaid dream. Instead I got a rather erotic dream where Beyonce and all her dancers were naked backstage and we were playing spin the bottle. Before the bottle had even gone through three rotations I was again rudely awoken by the same yelling below.

I somehow managed to return to the dream but Beyonce and her dancers had been replaced by the randy inhabitants of a nursing home. Their wrinkly skin was sticking to the vinyl chairs and one of them had a catheter attached to a wee bag that held liquid of a disturbingly greenish tinge. There was of course more yelling from below so I didn’t have to endure this dream for too long.

I’m really not sure why people are so imbecilic that they can’t work out how to run up a hill for themselves. The fact people pay your organisation to tell them how to run up a hill still confounds me.

I also really don’t understand why so much yelling is necessary. Could you not just gather your gormless clients down the bottom of the hill and quietly instruct them? Something like… “See that hill? Run up it as fast as you can until you spew. Then when you’ve done that wipe your chin and walk back down.”

If they are too stupid to understand basic instructions perhaps you could just place some electrodes on your clients and give them little jolts by remote control to encourage them up the hill. It would certainly be preferable to having someone disturbing the sleep of the entire neighbourhood.

If you know anything about health you will know that sleep is incredibly valuable. As an organisation supposedly dedicated to health it seems ridiculous that you are negatively affecting the health of everyone within shouting range.

I ask that you see sense and discontinue the practice of loudly yelling in Young Street. This would be better for my health, the health of neighbours and the health of your personal trainer. I mean this because next time it happens I’m going to go out on my balcony and start throwing anything handy at the man with the stupidly loud voice.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Body Corporate Nazi

When old people who haven't achieved much in life end up living in apartment they take out their frustrations by joining the body corporate and becoming Nazis. There is something about the position that just attracts angry, bitter old biddies.

For some incomprehensible reason our body corporate Nazi has decided that we shouldn't put bins in the bin bay but instead store them in our own garages. She confronted me telling me that local dogs were just mad for the pooey baby nappies held within the bins. The fact I don't have a baby didn't seem to matter to her.

I have begun my campaign against this stupidity with this letter.

Dear neighbour,

You are no doubt well aware of the recent edict that bins be stored in private garages rather than in the bin bay. While I’m sure this decision was made with the best of intentions I believe it to be extremely ill-advised.

Consider this scenario.

It is Thursday evening and Jill is lugging her heavy bin from her garage to the curb. The plastic is cutting into her hands, her dodgy back is twitching and with the big bin blocking her vision she can’t make out exactly where she is putting her feet. The rough sandstone stepping stones are slippery from recent rain and a little leaking garbage juice. Suddenly Jill slips, wrenches her back horribly and smashes her face on the corner of the dis-used bin bay. Poor Jill lies there unconscious, bloodied and surrounded by spilt garbage.

Eventually Jill is rescued however she faces many operations and ongoing therapy. Unfortunately Jill’s back is now the shape of a question mark and her once angelic face has been transformed into a horrific mess that frightens small children.

Jill sues the strata for gross negligence and wins full damages with the judge agreeing that this was “an accident waiting to happen”. The strata scheme is then bankrupted and we have to give up the plastic plants that so enliven the foyer.

While this is indeed a distressing hypothetical scenario, I believe it important to be mindful of safety issues and potential liabilities in a world where litigation and back problems are extremely common.

Storing bins in garages is also inappropriate for another reason. Cars go in garages. When you attempt to squeeze a bulky bin in there, suddenly not all cars will fit. This renders the garage essentially useless for its purpose.

If we assume the average rental for a garage is $80 per week, this means occupants are paying over $4000 a year for what has essentially now become just a garbage storage facility, whilst parking their car on the street. This seems rather ridiculous considering we have a purpose-designed bin bay.

People need to use the storage space in the garage for their own things. Many choose to store their winter clothes there. I cannot however imagine anyone wanting to store their clothes next to a bin containing prawn heads, overripe bananas and nappies full of baby crap. It would seem far better that bins be stored well away from valued personal possessions in a space where the malodorous stench can at least be carried away by a fresh breeze. Again, the bin bay sounds like the better solution.

I realise there are concerns about dogs getting into the garbage but there are certainly other avenues we could take to eliminate this problem. One suggestion would be for the unit block to get a pet tiger that guards the bin bay. While tigers are undoubtedly cool and would probably scare dogs away, I fear this solution could be as legally fraught as making people trudge about with heavy loads on uneven stepping stones.

A more boring solution would be to get bins with latches on them. Dogs are yet to evolve to a point where they have opposable thumbs, rendering them quite impotent in the face of a latch-fastened bin. Despite not being as awesome as the tiger idea it is relatively cheap, should not cause any legal liabilities and does not waste people’s valuable garage space.

While this is undoubtedly a stupid letter I hope it is taken seriously. No one wants to see hypothetical Jill or anyone else injured. Clearly it will make life safer and more convenient for everyone if we can rethink the current policy and arrive at a sensible solution.

Merry Christmas to everyone!

The saga continues

I got a letter in return from the Nazi calling me an idiot and a mouth-breathing word-by-word reader. This was perhaps the most pathetic insult I have ever heard. The letter nit-picked various aspects of my letter but did not really address the central safety issue.

It said that rather than taking the outdoor route the garage I should take the internal route which involves two flights of stairs and two locked doors (not exactly convenient or safe).

I continued to store my bin in the bin bay and was today again confronted by the Nazi. I pointed out that I had studied health and safety and having people carry bins down stairs was in fact unsafe. She retorted telling me that she was 80 and she could do it, so I should be able to.

At this point I noticed she had a massive bruise all the way down her arm. She stormed off so I didn't get a chance to ask if she had got the bruise from a fall. Nor did I get to point out that people aged 80 plus are the group who most commonly die from  falling down stairs.

Normally I wouldn't wish pain on anyone but part of me really hopes she falls down the stairs while taking out the garbage, breaks her hip and has to move out. It would be such delicious irony.

To piss her off a little further I am going to make stickers with the following picture and plaster them all over my bin.