Sunday, January 30, 2011


Sometimes you don't hear all of a conversation but the bit you do hear can be quite disturbing. The other day I heard these words from the woman across the road while she was talking on her phone: "is that because I know where the body is buried?".

To be fair she could have been talking about a cat but then surely she would have said "is that because I know where Mr Whiskers is buried?" assuming as I do that her cat was named Mr Whiskers.

She could have been talking about Elle McPherson who was nicknamed "the body" but as far as I know she's not dead. If it was her grandpa that she was talking about surely she would have the decency to still call him Pop rather than "the body".

I really hope I don't see any shovels in the back of her car.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Biggest Boozer

This has to be the next reality TV hit. Like Biggest Loser but more violence, abusive language and drunken attempts at sex. I'd like to mix it up with some glamorous high society types, a couple of filthy winos, a few slutty bogans and a handful of rugby league players. Just put them in a house with a well stocked bar and watch the train wreck in all its glory! Tears, self-improvement, relapses - it would have it all. When someone eventually won, you'd then hand them a big magnum of champagne and there would also be a magic moment of awkwardness.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Laugh Sluts

If you are a comedian you really need to pick your venue. Some crowds can be hard to please and downright hostile, so if you want to break in to the world of comedy don't do your first gig at some half empty comedy bar - instead head straight for the tennis. Tennis crowds will laugh at anything. Play guitar on your racquet and it's hilarious. Pull your shorts up high and you are a comedy genius. You could tell the lamest knock knock joke at the tennis and you'd have 10,000 people wetting themselves.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

A question of etiquette

Recently whilst in Sri Lanka I visited an internet cafe. The proprietor kept me waiting for quite a number of minutes while he used the computer himself. Finally he signalled for me to take my turn. To my suprise there were three separate windows of porn open. Not knowing quite what I should do I took a very quick peak at the little Asian woman and the big black man on the screen, giggled slightly, then closed the windows before opening up another to check my email. Once I was done I got up to pay the man. He looked at the computer and seemed a little bemused. Was I wrong to close his three windows of porn? Really, what is the correct etiquette in this situation?