Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I just spent a good portion of my day putting together a fancy Swedish bike carrier and fitting it to my roof racks. It's the kind of thing that is really easy when you know what you are doing but when you are like me it is completely crap and annoying. The most annoying thing are the instructions, which in some bizarre long-held Swedish tradition, don't have any words at all. They say that they do this so it can be universally understood - I just think they are way too cheap to hire translators.

I really didn't want to squint at some complex diagram to work out what I was supposed to do so instead I checked out YouTube and there was a video of some blonde chick installing it in about three seconds. That just annoyed me even more because she had the correct roof racks to start with and had obviously practised 35 times before to make it look ever so simple. Bitch.

I was in the rain awkwardly holding 2 partially disassembled roof racks (from a different manufacturer), a bike carrier, a set of allen keys and a bunch of crucial little metal parts that were likely to fall in the gutter and get washed away forever. It looked nothing like the video or the crap diagram instructions.

If they really wanted to help surely they would just colour code every screw and the thing that it goes into. They could also have a video with some useless bloke who shows you the fifteen different ways you can go wrong. That way your ego wouldn't feel so crushed when you stuff it up .

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Original thought

Today I came up with a new word, which I was pretty damn proud of. I then went to put it into urban dictionary and found three people had already put in definitions for it. That made me feel way less special.

My word was awesomnia. Awesomnia is that feeling you get when you flick on to a late night SBS film and you just can't go to sleep because you just know that any minute the hot Swedish/French/Italian/Japanese chick is going to display her breasts. It's not just saucy foreign films that can give you awesomnia. The word pretty much covers any activity so good that it forces you to stay up past your bed time.

Had the internet never existed I could have gone on thinking that I'm a unique and special flower who invents cool new words. I hate you internet.

MTV Cribs

MTV Cribs is a little like Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous but for rappers and without the host with cool voice. It's one of the funniest shows I have watched. All these badass guys who rap about living on the mean streets of Compton and getting shot at are proudly showing off the fancy kitchen appliances and oversized shoe closets within their plush mansions. Suddenly they are fussing over their soft furnishings and talking up their antique crystal chandeliers. Good to see they are keeping it real.


When I worked at Kmart they used to have these cool pod things that you would put the cash in. You'd then put the pod in a tube and like magic it would be sucked up in to the roof at lightning speed. Using the money pods was pretty much the coolest thing about working at Kmart because there really wasn't much good about working at Kmart. For starters I was often wearing a novelty tie featuring Kermit the frog playing golf and on top of that embarrassment I spent most of my time scanning oversized underwear of oversized pensioners who would then pay with an assortment of small change and buttons which they mistook for small change. I once gave directions to Kamahl when he was trying to find David Jones but other than that the money pods were definitely the most positive memory I had.

I would really love it if instead of using boring means of transport such as cars, trains and buses we could use pods. Apparently it is possible. Some dude called Lyle Zapato has been working on it. Check it out

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The deli counter

The ticket system works okay at Woolworths however I think there is a better way to go about things. If I were running the place I'd have a system where the most physically ugly get served first. Ugly people suffer so many hardships in life. In job interviews they are often passed over in favour of more attractive candidates. It's also rare for them to attract supermodels as girlfriends (unless they really rich). People also say really mean things to them like "wow, you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every stick on the way down."

My ticket system would allow ugly people to get some advantage out of being ugly. Having a face like a car crash would suddenly be the passport to instant cabanossi. My system would also give women something to look forward to as their looks fade. Perhaps they would even stop buying overpriced wrinkle cream if they knew crows feet would allow them to purchase devon that much quicker. Of course it would also make waiting a far more pleasurable experience. Every time you got overlooked it would be a small ego boost. Instead of feeling pissed off after waiting around for ten minutes you would probably feel mega hot.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


I've been trying to sell my bike online and I got someone saying they would pay $200 more for it than I was asking! Awesome huh? They then sent me an email saying they had sent to my paypal account $2850 which was $2100 for the bike and an extra $750 that I was to send via Western Union to a "shipping agent" in Turkey. I pretty quickly realised it was a scam and this was confirmed when I got bogus emails purportedly from paypal claiming I had received a payment.

I sent the scammer "Laura" the following email.

Hi Laura,

I’ve just had some great news. I was speaking to my uncle Clarence and he happens to be travelling to Turkey on business next week. He said he his happy to take the bike over with him on the plane saving you those outrageously high shipping charges.

I thought it odd that Clarence was travelling to Turkey as his job is wholesaling cheap Chinese carpets and as far as I knew Turkey has a fine tradition of carpet making. Clarence however told me “Turkey is full of good for nothing scammers who try to pass off cheap Chinese carpets as antique Turkish ones, fooling gullible people from overseas rather than putting in an honest day’s work.” He then said some very racist things regarding the personal hygiene and sexual predilections of the Turkish.

I am afraid Clarence’s attitudes may have been coloured by those of his grandfather Walter ‘Pretty Boy’ Watson who served in Gallipoli and was maimed in the exploding camel incident of Christmas 1915. Walter was enjoying the Christmas day ceasefire when a camel was sent across no man’s land from the Turks carrying what appeared to be an offering of Turkish delight. The camel was however rigged with explosives and unfortunately Walter copped a flying hoof square in the melon. From that day on his moniker became purely ironic and he never again trusted a Turk.

Anyhow, if you would just like to let me know your address I can get my uncle Clarence to drop off the bike along with the extra money you supposedly sent through for the shipping. I’ll try to make sure he doesn’t have one of his racist outbursts.



Monday, May 16, 2011


I always find it interesting when people exploit loopholes to get around paying tax or basically doing anything that the man wants them to do. I can remember when it was decided that GST would be applied to everything but fresh fruit the owner of a bike store said he would start selling apples for $1000 and give away a free bike with each apple. Don't think he got away with it but I liked his thinking.

While I hate smoking I think there could be a quite lucrative loophole to be exploited in the sale of tobacco. Considering a pack of fags costs $16 to buy and about 20 cents to produce a smart operator could make considerable profits. Unlike marijuana or opium poppies I believe it is still legal to grow tobacco. Selling it however brings you into all sorts of issues. As such I would start an overpriced gift store which didn't sell any tobacco but where every item came specially gift wrapped in a tobacco leaf. Customers may still have to cut up the leaves and roll their own ciggies but I'm sure they would still come out way ahead and I could become fabulously wealthy at the expense of their health.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Who will play you in the movie of your life?

I just saw Erin Brokovich on an ad for some legal firm. Not only was it interesting to see a do-gooder selling out, it was interesting to see what the woman who was played by Julia Roberts really looked like. From the amount of plastic surgery it appeared she had, it seems like she must have been frustrated by the ongoing comparisons and was doing anything possible to try and avoid people saying "wow she looks way less hot than that chick with the big teeth who played a hooker in that movie with Richard Gere".

If they ever made a movie about my life I'd get the role of me to be played by someone who was incredible ugly. That way when people met me they would all say "wow, you are far more handsome than that chap who played you in Smells Like Middle Aged Spirit - the Jamie Watson Story.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Discount bunnies

I've stuffed myself full of chocolate since Easter but when I walked in to Woolworths today chocolate bunnies were 80% off. When bunnies are just 29c it's not even a decision really.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Peter Allen denies global warming

But as the world gets older and colder
it's good to know where your journey ends

Peter Allen wrote these famous words in 1980 as part of his hit song "I still call Australia home". What scientific evidence did he have for it? My worry is that Australia has adopted it as one of our national songs and people will think we just don't believe in global warming.