Monday, May 31, 2010

Israels makes poor decisions

I'm no expert on international affairs but from a pure public relations perspective shooting the shit out of an aid convoy doesn't seem like a very smart thing to do. Israel didn't sound particularly remorseful either. I'd of thought the least they could do was write a big card to Gaza saying "sorry for getting all trigger happy and killing all those people who were trying to help you out. Hope we can still be friends. Lots of love, Israel XOX."

Israel Folau has also made a ridiculously stupid decision. If you are the best player in league, why would you waste three years of your career playing GayFL in the western suburbs? At least if you go to union you could play in a World Cup or live somewhere fun like Paris while spending your millions. He may be awesome at AFL but that's a bit like being awesome at netball.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Places to buy Coke

The other week I went to the Botanic Gardens to watch Jessica Watson sail in. She took her bloody time so I went to buy a bottle of coke. It cost $4.50 for a small bottle and I had to refrain from asking Vincent Vega style "That's $4.50 for a coke? a plain coke? You don't put bourbon in that?" It angered me deeply that it was so expensive. It also angered me that the whole of Sydney hadn't turned up in monkey suits so Jessica Watson would come home to a Planet of the apes scenario.

I hate getting ripped off so I like to frequent places that aren't set up to arse rape tourists. Among the places I like to buy a can of coke are the fruit store at Marrickville ($1), the bargain store at Ashfield ($1) and Enmore Delicious Rolls ($1 with the purchase of a delicious roll).

Today I also bought a can from the African hairdresser on the corner of Enmore Road and King Street. It had a big sign out front saying $1.40 cans. Their fridge was really well stocked but didn't work so I had to fish around in an esky. Then they didn't have change in the cash register so the old African lady spent about five minutes fishing around in her purse. Then she charged me $1.60. Dodge. I should have gone to the cop shop 100 metres away. They have cans for $1.20 and you get to check out all the interesting criminals as they come in.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Making Australia a Better Place

I felt that it was about time I started doing something for this country and to get the ball rolling I thought I'd send my ideas to a real mover and shaker. Below is the email I just sent to the Minister for the Arts (and former Midnight Oil frontman) Peter Garrett.

Dear Peter,

I know you have experienced your difficulties since being a Minister but I’d like to propose an idea that would allow you to make Australia a better place and restore your reputation as a tower of awesomeness.

For too long it seems like Australia’s arts budget has been squandered on overpriced paintings by dead French guys and obscure cultural events only ever attended by wankers with trendy haircuts and designer square-framed glasses. My idea would shift this focus and allow art to be enjoyed by people with beer guts, tattoos and not all of their front teeth.

My concept is Sculpture by the Freeway. It would involve large sculptures being plonked alongside every freeway at regular intervals of every ten kilometres or so. I believe there are many reasons why it would work.

1) It is already a proven concept. The highlight of every holiday I ever had was seeing the Big Merino, the Big Pineapple or the Big Prawn. The only crap bit was waiting 300 km for the next massive sculptural thing beside the road.

2) Our roads are boring. I’m assuming you drive down to Canberra a fair bit and can thoroughly understand where I’m coming from. At least with some works of art along the way, the drive would feel more like a gallery visit and less like a massive waste of time.

3) Sculptures are better than McDonalds ads. When kids are in a car all they see out the window is paddocks and massive billboards advising the distance to the next Maccas. With childhood obesity such a problem we should give the little fatties something to look forward to other than a thick shake.

4) Truckies deserve culture. Driving an interstate rig generally doesn’t allow much time to pop into a gallery but if my idea was adopted truckies’ lives would soon become filled with art.

5) Tourists would get a better impression. From out the window of a bus Australia appears to be a really big dry place scattered with sheep, the occasional bogan and the odd bit of marsupial road kill. Sculptures could certainly help liven the joint up a bit.

I really think you should make Sculpture by the Freeway a central part of your next election campaign. Aussies are tired of hearing politicians squabble over tax, climate change and immigration. We want something visionary. We want some bloody great big sculptures lining our boring roads!

Best of luck with it all.


Jamie Watson

P.S. Your dancing is tops.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Pretty fuckin far from okay

SBS has done a lot of great things. They've brought us Tour de France coverage, saucy subtitled films and a whole lot of cool outfits for Lee Lin Chin. Last night however I was flicking past and saw something that, in the words of Marcellus Wallis, was "pretty fuckin far from okay". In the half a second that SBS flashed on the screen I saw a scalpel cutting into something which looked very much like a penis. Naturally I changed the channel incredibly fast, curled into a ball and averted my eyes from the screen.

At this point Katy changed the channel back to SBS and discovered it was an anatomy show where some freaky German doctor cuts up dead people in front of a live audience. Peering through my fingers I saw the doctor grab hold of a testicle and start to cut it in half. Call me squeamish but at this point I ran to the bathroom, turned on the shower to drown out the doctor's voice and tried my best to think happy thoughts. Katy just kept watching and eating her ice cream.

My thinking is that if that there are to be willies on a television screen they should:
a) belong to living people
b) not have any sharp implements anywhere near them
c) have only the external part of the willy visible
d) have a vagina in the same screen shot

By the way, when I die I do not want my body cut up on global television. Instead I plan on having my ashes mixed into some concrete and made into a park bench.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Japanese beer?

I thought my Sapporo beer might be brewed somewhere like Sapporo, Japan. It's actually brewed in Ontario, Canada. I feel a bit like someone who has accidently taken home a lady-boy.

The benefits of money

I just drove to the bottle shop and bought a slab of Japanese beer. On my way back I saw some poor student looking guy walking back from the bottle shop with a slab of Tooheys New. Sadly the bottom had fallen out of the box and he was having to salvage what he could from the footpath. While I felt bad for him it made me truly appreciate the benefits of having money. I'm sure my expensive wanker beer will taste even better now.