Thursday, October 29, 2009

Ultimate Scothgard

I've heard of people putting Scotchgard on clothes and couches so they don't stain but I think it needs to go further. I want a product that repels EVERYTHING so whatever you spray it on never has to be washed again. 3M can you please get working on this?

I'm ridiculously lazy and don't want to waste my life dusting or hoovering. Washing the car is also stupid. I don't mind washing myself so much because showering is kind of fun and relaxing. If I had some Ultimate Scothgard I would never have to clean under my fingernails or anything like that though. Maybe I could add some to my sunscreen so I wouldn't get all sandy when I went to the beach. That would be mega ace.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Twitterature has gone mainstream

Now Penguin has a book of twitterature out. I came up with that idea months ago. Maybe some popwerful publisher is reading my blog and stealing the ideas. I wrote about forensic blue light paintings the other day. Maybe Penguin will publish an art book that reveals pictures when a blue light is shone on it. Cool.

I'm hoping Twitter dies soon. "What are you doing right now?" is a stupid question. Inevitably people are not participating in anything because they are too busy typing on their phone. It's kind of like tourists who spend their whole holiday with a video camera pressed to the face. Sad.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Chatswood Golf Club You Suck

I spent way to long playing a round of golf at Chatswood so I thought I'd write a letter to complain. The bit about the fat three legged labrador and me getting in the poo are fictitous but the I think they add colour.

Attention: John Watters
General Manager
Chatswood Golf Club

Dear John,

Last Saturday I had the choice of playing golf or going shopping with my girlfriend. Had I wanted to stand around for hours being completely bored out of my mind I would have chosen shopping. I chose golf. Regrettably I also chose Chatswood Golf Club.

Things didn’t start well. It took an entire hour from my appointed 1.48pm tee time until the time I got to hit off the 2nd tee. In what must surely be some kind of record there were five groups waiting on it. I was so incredibly angry I tried to belt the hell out of my drive and almost put my back out on the extended follow through.

Your 2338 metre front nine took 3 hours and 10 minutes to complete. That’s a speed of .754km/hr. My 85 year old grandma who has just had a knee replaced moves faster than that. In fact I’d bet the overweight 3 legged Labrador from down the road could hobble its oversized posterior around that nine far quicker.

The sun had set by the time we eventually made it up the 18th which meant I was late for dinner and completely in the poo. Naturally no one believed that it could take five and half hours to play a round of golf on a pissy little par 65 course and I was falsely accused of spending hours in the bar. Thanks a lot.

I believe your club entrance would benefit from the addition of a slow play warning sign. Like the bushfire warning signs it would have different severity levels depending on the day’s conditions. Perhaps the arrow could move from snail to sloth to tortoise to fat three legged lab to 85 year old grandma with a plastic knee. At least that way people would know what they are getting themselves in for.

If you are going to have five groups waiting on a tee you should also consider installing a few more chairs and providing a few old National Geographic magazines to read. When I visit my doctor’s surgery I find reading about the lost tribes of the Congo really makes the time fly by.

There are plenty of solutions to the problem of slow play. Why not slip the old codgers some Red Bull or maybe play a little Eye of the Tiger over the loudspeaker to get people pumped and moving faster? Personally I’d be happy if you just set dogs upon any group that didn’t keep up with the one in front.

I really don’t mind care what course of action you take but need to do something. While I may be the only person who is prepared to write a stupid letter I can assure you that you had a lot of very angry customers on Saturday. Among the comments I heard on the day were “this is f**ked”, “how can it take so f**king long?” and “why the f**k aren’t there any f**king marshals?” While I objected to their swearing they did raise some pretty pertinent questions.

If you can provide any answers I’d be most interested in hearing them.

Monday, October 12, 2009

World for All People

Many months ago Rick the Canadian delighted us with his attempts for world unity. After working non-stop for a year he has completed his awesome music video and website. My favourite bit has to be the flawless transition from Leonardo Dicaprio to Ghandi. Our Sydney pictures kick in at about the 3 minute mark though sadly the crotch grabbing picture didn't quite make the cut. Our bright yellow men were replicated around the world and in some hot piece of animation one even appears surfing at the end.

Not sure what the hell I'm on about? Visit and check it out for yourself.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


I got some free tickets to comedy at the Harold Park Hotel last night. They were advertised on Craigslist by someone claiming they had bought tickets and couldn't go but were actually just a sad ploy by the organisers to get more than 3 people along to the gig.

We saw some dude who was okay followed by some other dude who was okay. They probably would have been better than okay had there been more than 12 people in the audience though. The whole atmosphere was just a bit sad. You are never going to get rousing laughter from a few old relatives who've seen it all before and a few scummy people who got free tickets on Craigslist. The new owners of the hotel fussed over us, finding good seats and offering a free wine tasting. I hoped they enjoyed the comedians because they had clearly lost thousands of dollars on the evening. I hope their fortunes turn and people pay actual money to see okay comedians on a Wednesday night. I don't really like their chances though.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Lotto Lane

Everyone avoids toll roads because they are boring and expensive. After all how exciting can driving in an overpriced tunnel be?

If I were to become a toll road operator I'd make it way more exciting. The major change would be the lotto lane where instead of paying a fixed rate you'd gamble. Your toll could be five bucks or it could be nothing. You could even win the jackpot and get free toll for life. Mostly however you would lose out and make me ridiculously rich.

I'd have different toll gates, all with different themes and depending on how you were feeling you could go the Egyptian lane, the Mermaid lane or the Leprechaun lane and instead of the little beepy noise you'd have a whole lot of little beepy noises, just like a poker machine. I'd actually have a gate every few hundred metres so a keen gambler could drop $100 on their drive home.

Fuck I'm going to be rich!

Blue Light Picasso

Ever seen one of those forensic shows where they put a blue light over the sheets and there is semen everywhere? Generally it is quite amazing how much semen is produced - just glowing blue blobs all over the place.

But if I were to murder someone I think it would be good to give the forensic dude something to be really impressed by, not just the size of my load. How impressive would it be if I were to do an amazing Picasso like semen painting?

I wonder what would happen if there was a religous apparition that appeared under the blue light. Would worshippers come to see a semen Jesus?