Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Who the hell camps out to get an iPhone? Nerds - that's who.

When you see the people lined up they are invariably all awkward men who would be turned away from night clubs. Perhaps they just like lining up somewhere where they know they will eventually get in.

What are they going to do when they get their new phone at midnight? Ring someone perhaps? I can just imagine the conversation:

"Guess what? I just got the new iPhone!!!!"
"Is this Eugene, the IT guy?"
"Yeah mate, I just got the new iPhone!"
"Eugene I'm not you'r mate and why the fuck are you calling me at this hour?"
"I just thought I'd tell you I got the new iPhone."
"Is that why you weren't at work today? Were you camping out for an iPhone?"
"Yeah, I was second in line!"
"Eugene, you're fired. Go shove your iPhone up your arse."

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

consider dying

There are a hell of a lot of ads on tv encouraging people to take out funeral insurance. This annoys me on a number of levels.

The first is that a large segment of the population that has nothing better to do than watch Kerri-Anne and worry about when they are going to croke. If you've made to retirement age you should be out having fun, doing all those things you didn't get to do when you were working. Or at least you should be down the bowlo sinking middies.

Secondly it is a dumb concept. If you are dead you aren't going to have to pay any bills. Sure, your family might have to pay but they will probably inherit your awesome stamp collection so isn't that fair? If they can't fork out the money the government won't just leave you rotting either. I don't know the particulars but you can probably get cremated free or pay it off HECS style.

Thirdly it is a fucking ripp off. Unless you take out the insurance and die within about two weeks you are going to end up paying far too much for your funeral.

Fourthly it is commonly flogged in infomercials starring Ian Turpie. Do you really want your money ending up in the pocket of a game show host and peddler of dodgy impotence treatments?

I think a better option would be to just have cut-price funerals where you have a ute instead of a hearse and a fridge box instead of a coffin. People could also just pick some daisies rather than having some expensive wreath. That way the whole thing would only cost $50 bucks and any extra money lying in your wallet could be spent on those yummy mini pies for the wake.

Frickin Masterchef

I regularly used to go in to Adriano Zumbo's shop in Balmain to get my lunch or pick up a loaf of bread. Sadly I can't do that anymore because there's a queue 30 metres out the door and I don't have half an our to stand around while Masterchef fans piss about deciding between the olive and guava flavoured macaroons. I wish he had never been invited on that show. Today I had to settle for a chikken tikka roll. Sad.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Freak Spotting

I love freak spotting but I can't normally be bothered to stay up late when most of them come out to shine. Thankfully I live just 300 metres from Marrickville Metro were freaks come out to shop. Today I saw a 70 year Cyndi Lauper wannabe wearing high heels and lacy leggings. I then spotted a massive goth chick pushing a stroller with a child that had a far better tan than her mum. Then there was someone who looked like they were from Avatar but wasn't so blue and a pit bull with green zinc on its nose. Sometimes I get so distracted I forget to buy anything.

Politics for dumb people

Are you happy to be "moving forward"? Somehow I just don't think we really are.

The thing is I was watching Julia outline her climate change policy the other day and our esteemed leading lady began by saying "It's just like someone going on The Biggest Loser."

Comparing businesses cutting carbon emissions to fatties cutting their calorie intake demonstrates the true genius of Julia. She knows that if you dumb it down enough "middle Australia" might just begin to understand. I can just imagine in living rooms all around Mt Druitt there are people saying "Aw fuck yeah, now I get it. How come no one ever explained it like that before?"

I think she should come up with some more good analogies. Maybe for her refugee policy she could say "Just imagine if you are having a barbie and some people rock up uninvited. Basically what we do is have some bouncers who'd drag 'em off and lock them in the neigbours chook shed. The neighbours haven't agreed yet but it shouldn't be any probs."

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Kitchen Essentials

I was in Woolworths and I saw a big sign advertising "Kitchen Essentials - Avacado Slicer". Essential? Really? How the fuck did I get through 32 years without one? Oh yeah, I used a knife...