Wednesday, July 23, 2014

My car is boring. Your car is boring.

I think car makers have some conspiracy where they make cars so boring no one will ever feel that much love for them. By fostering such boredom they hope we will quickly desire something new.

If you look at the interior of just about every car it is grey. No one feels a special kinship with grey, unless of course, they are a miserable bastard.

Personally I would like a Hawaiian print all over the interior of my car. Seeing lots of hula girls would make me happy every time I get in. I imagine others might like to have glow in the dark stars, leopard skin or Hello Kitty everywhere.

Look at the way Indian buses are decorated. They are completely fantabulous. I'm sure the guy who owns this bus loves it in a way no one has ever loved a Toyota Corolla.

I'm lazy and don't want to put in the work this guy has obviously put in, so I keep just waiting for Exhibit (possibly not the correct rapper spelling) to knock on my door and tell me he is going to pimp my ride. There is only a fairly remote chance of this considering the show is American and  I'm not sure they even make it any more.

Even if they did make a show featuring my 2006 Mazda 3 I'd probably mess up the whole black handshake thing and then they would probably do something hideous with the car and rather than be excited I'd be asking why I have bogan flames down the side of the car and why is there a big tv screen and subwoofer taking up the space in boot where I used to fit my golf clubs? It would be a disaster.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Look at that bad man

When everyone hates you it helps to have someone everyone is going to hate more. Enter Vladimir Putin.

Let's face it - there are only so many things people can be enraged about at once and holding people captive at sea for weeks doesn't seem so bad when someone else is shooting down commercial airliners.

You can't get away with all sorts of stuff when someone else is being a little more evil.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Museum of ideas

Art museums are generally shit. People stare at some pictures on the wall, keep their mouths shut and leave feeling just as uninspired as when they went in. They may have seen something that was pretty, or well done, or something which hinted at an idea. Rarely however will they see something that provokes a debate or any response much bigger than a semi-arched eyebrow.

The major problem is that visual art is a cumbersome way of expressing an idea. That's why we invented words.

The other factor is that the only work that makes its way into an art museum is from people who call themselves artists. Artists are often pretentious wankers who explore the exact same ideas that other pretentious artists wankers from history have already explored.  They are then too piss-weak to even say what their ideas are, hiding their message in some vague symbolism and saying that it is up to the audience to interpret it.

My proposal is to do away with the whole annoying art bit that makes art galleries so dull. Ideas are always the most exciting bit, so why not make them the feature of a museum?

The more provocative the better. Hopefully people would visit, read the ideas on the wall, then  have an argument and break up with the person they came there with. At the very least it should be interesting enough to take their minds in different directions, so they are forced to think of something other than where they will get their next coffee or what phone they are going to buy.

It would also become far more democratic. Rather than just "artists" being exhibited, you could feature the ideas of Gary the plumber, Fred the baker or Gwenda the prostitute. One week it could showcase the ideas of taxi drivers, the next week it could be the ideas of seven year old girls.

The topics could change every week, giving the opportunity for fresh controversies and a reason for people to keep going back.

And lastly, because there would be no need to purchase stupidly expensive artworks it would cost bugger all to set up and run.

It's just an idea.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Kill all smooth peanut butter eaters

If I were very wealthy I would start a campaign to demonise all smooth peanut butter eaters. I'd say all sorts of bad shit about them. For example - Smooth peanut butter eaters also eat babies. Smooth peanut butter eaters have weapons of mass destruction. Smooth peanut butter eaters rape you and give you AIDS.

I would warn all those good crunchy peanut butter eaters about this insidious opposing group and all the evils they are responsible for. I would start an army that goes door to door and rips apart kitchens in search of jars of smooth peanut butter. The army would tie people up and force feed them peanut butter until they dobbed in others.

Hopefully with this ridiculousness I would make my point and people would make the cognitive leap which has so far not been made in every war zone currently festering.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

The problem with diving

I love watching diving at the Olympics but there is one thing that has always annoyed me - and that is the fact that pre-pubescent Chinese girls tend to have an unfair advantage. Much of the judging seems to revolve around the size of the splash made. For girls who are shaped like a chopstick a perfect entry is a lot easier than for the girls who have hips and boobs.

My suggestion would be to incorporate into the degree of difficulty some sort of handicapping based on bra size. This would at least give the chunky Canadian chick a chance. Failing that they could make the last compulsory dive a bomb where the object is to dislodge as much water as possible. Just imagine having the Aussie 30 points behind going into the last round but pulling out a massive bomb to win - there wouldn't be a better gold medal ever!

Friday, July 11, 2014

How Celine Dion can bring peace to the Middle East

If the leaders of Israel and Palestine happen to be reading this blog here are a few helpful suggestions.

Instead of burning a child alive you could buy that child an ice cream. Instead of firing rockets over the wall you could use those fireworks where the love hearts pop out at the end.

And wouldn’t it be much nicer to get out of that big scary tank and ride a pretty bike with streamers on the handles? While you are at it you could get out of those hideous military fatigues and slip into a nice paisley shirt or a lovely floral dress.

Perhaps instead of those ugly ten metre tall walls with snipers on the top you could just have a row of daisies to designate the border.

You could replace rocks with confetti, machine guns with bubble guns and bazookas with boom boxes that blast out Celine Dion. Everyone hates Celine Dion and that would give you some common ground to bond over. 

Sure it may all sound ridiculous but I'm sure all these suggestions beat being complete fuckwits forevermore. What's the point of having your own land if you turn it into a violent shithole?

Friday, July 4, 2014


Coles recently got fined for par-baking bread in Ireland, importing it in Australia, putting it in the oven for 5 minutes and claiming it is freshly baked. While the deceptive advertising is a little disturbing, the more disturbing aspect is that we are importing bread all the way from Ireland.

How ridiculously uncompetitive must we be if its cheaper to fly bread from the other side of the world? Seriously, you get flour, water and salt, knead it a little and stick it in the oven. It's not complex manufacturing. What is our future if we can't make bread. We're bloody-well doomed.

17th century rap videos

I was walking through the Louvre looking at all these old paintings and it struck me how indulgence was celebrated a few hundred years back. All these pictures had lavish feasts, with every type of dead animal, as well as fruit and wine and whole lot of nude shapely woman just lolling about. Everyone was having a grand time and no one looked like they were dieting or busy responding to a mobile phone message from work. Some rich bloke had obviously just said "I am going to have the most awesome picnic ever and I am going to get a painter to document the whole fabulous thing. Rah".

Then it struck me. These paintings are just seventeenth century rap videos. The abundance of curvy women, the celebration of being stupidly wealthy and hedonistic - it was all there.

As much as I am not really a fan of rap videos I do like the fact that the rappers seem to be enjoying themselves. Too often in our society the only thing that is celebrated is denial.

Look at the scarily skinny bitches we hold up to be the ideal of female beauty. The primary reason these models are admired seems to be there ability to deny themselves anything more than one stick of celery a week.

People deny themselves free time and are held up to be awesome because they are such hard workers. Women deny themselves sex and are held up to be virtuous and somehow more desirable. People deny themselves the freedom to smile in public for the fear others might think they are fucking nuts.

Society seems to want us to live dull, pathetic lives of restraint and denial until we die at age 110 with well maintained teeth, a healthy liver and a little left over in our superannuation accounts.

Eat, fuck, enjoy yourself. Go home early. Spend your money on something stupid. Live goddamn it - LIVE!