Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Solving homelessness

There is a simple solution to homelessness - boats.

Thousands of boats are just bobbing about on the harbour collecting pelican shit. Rich people don't use their boats. They don't actually like boats. They just like buying boats. That way they can talk to all their chums at the golf club and tell them what a spiffing boat they have.

Every homeless person should get to stay on a vacant boat. It would keep them out of trouble and be way more comfortable than sleeping under a bridge or something. If the owner did actually want to use the boat the homeless person could be employed to serve drinks and plates of canapes. Alternatively they could just ride behind in the dingy if they smelled too bad.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012


Halloween wasn't big when I was a kid but one year my mates and I thought passing up the opportunity for free lollies was just too good to miss out on. We didn't really have any outfits so I thought I might get a sheet and cut some eyes out of it. I knew mum would be pissed off if cut holes in her good white sheet and all the other sheets had prints on them - and who is going to be afraid of a ghost with little racing cars all over it? Instead I got three of my dads old white singlets and somehow artistically draped them over me along with a piece of chain I found in the garage. It looked pretty crap but I figured it was enough effort to score some lollies.

Turned out trick or treating was awesome. We just knocked on lots of random doors and 90% of people gave us stuff. It wasn't the people that gave me the best lollies that I remember though.

One guy answered the door in his stubbies and when we said "trick or treat" he just replied "nah, bullshit, that shit's American" and slammed the door in our adorable faces. I can remember thinking that was fair enough because we were just copying something we had seen in Family Ties or something.

Next was a guy who fucked with our minds. His response to the standard question was "what tricks do you do? Do you juggle?". Up until that point everyone had just given as lollies and we didn't really know what to do in this situation. We considered egging his house but we decided that would waste too much time that could be better spent getting more lollies.

The third was an old lady who was charmed to have a bunch of poorly costumed brats knocking on her door. She spent time trying to work out what each one of us was and then ages rattling around inside her kitchen trying to find a treat. In the end she gave each of us an orange and ten cents. Had she given me a freddo frog I probably wouldn't have remembered her at all.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Kinder Surprise is Ruining Easter

You used to only be able to get chocolate eggs at Easter. That's why they were called Easter eggs. Then Kinder Surprise came along and buggered that all up. Suddenly chocolate eggs were available the whole year round which really made Easter far less special. They also put toys inside the eggs. So now when kids crack open their Easter eggs they probably just become really disappointed at the lack of a crappy plastic toy inside.

I believe chocolate eggs should be banned for eleven months of the year. They should also ban imported mangoes so you can appreciate mango season that much more.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Sculpture and strippers

The annoying thing about sculpture is you are generally not allowed to touch it. The same thing goes for strippers. That's why both get boring relatively quickly.

I'd like to do a sculpture that is kind of like Gumby. People could just stretch it and bend it in to whatever shape they wanted. That would be fun.

Maybe there should also be bars where you are blind folded but you get to run your hands over the strippers and imagine what they look like. Sure, it would be creepy but far better for the blind community.

Monday, October 15, 2012

the boredom of awesome

Jumping out of a hot air balloon from a record height may just be setting yourself up for a life of boring conversation. Every time someone meets you, you are going to have the same conversation over and over again:

"What was it like to do that?"
"Totally toptabulous"
"Life is kind of boring now so I just combine words together and make my fun that way."
"I see..."

Neil Armstrong didn't do interviews because he hated re-hashing what he did 40 years earlier. He may have baked the most delightful cake that day but no one would be interested because they would just want to talk about what he did way back then.

I think it is unwise to do one big thing which is super-mega awesome. Instead just keep doing lots of little things which are a super-mega awesome.

Thursday, October 11, 2012


Lance soaked up a lot of glory over the years. Millions of people lined the roads cheering him on. This situation needs to be redressed.

I think he should be made to do another lap of France just so people can boo him. He should have to do it on a shitty old Chinese clunker bike. People should be able to throw overripe fruit, blow smoke from there gitanes in his face and yell abusive things while waving their hands about in a dramatic French manner.

Thumb tacks should be all over the road and each time he gets a flat the mechanic will just say "fix it yourself you fucking cheat" before throwing a pump and a patch at him.

Monday, October 1, 2012

What if soy beans feel pain?

Just imagine how a lettuce feels when it is beheaded. People say plants don't feel pain but how do we really know? Perhaps in making that salad you inflicted horrible pain on a whole lot of living creatures. I worry about this and hence keep my fruit and vegetable intake to a sensible level.

I like to eat meat because it helps ensure the survival of stupid species. Sheep would be extinct were it not for the fact they are extremely tasty. All they know how to do is eat grass and follow one another. We've been helping them do these activities for over 2000 years (I didn't learn much in Sunday school but I know some of the stories involved shepherds). We keep the predators away and provide lush pastures so they can just happily much all day without having to deal with that whole survival situation. Aren't we nice?

Chickens are similar. They are slow birds that fly very poorly, yet taste very good. They'd be long gone without us.

If we really want to save the pandas we should start eating them. If pandas tasted better than lamb New Zealand would start growing bamboo in place of all that grass and we would have a sizeable panda population very quickly. It makes sense.