Sunday, December 21, 2014

Cockroaches have a branding problem

Cockroaches and ladybugs are pretty similar. They both crawl sometimes and fly sometimes. They are both buggy looking and share much of the same DNA. But when a ladybug lands on someone they are generally really happy and make affectionate cooing noises. When a roach crawls up their leg they start screaming and try to whack the thing.

The first thing cockroaches should do is change their name. Ladybug and Christmas Beetle both sound nice, so I would go for something like Fortune Beetle or Wonderbug.

They also need to change their colours because brown just isn't working for them. I think glitterball would be pretty cool. Maybe they could have a big smiley face on their shells or perhaps they could just mirror the colours of the footy team in their local area. You would be far less likely to squish a Fortune Beetle who goes for the same team as you.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

The Christmas Spirit

Australia has officially turned into Scrooge or possibly Mr Burns.

The decision to cut another $4 billion from the foreign aid budget on the eve of Christmas seems a little mean given they have already cut $7.6 billion from foreign aid and siphoned off more to pay for detention centres and contributions to the climate change fund.

For a prime minister who is supposed to be all Jesusy this seems completing lacking in Christmas spirit. Has he even listened to Geldof's song? Does he know it's Christmas time at all?

When Tony says grace at Christmas lunch what will on earth could come out? " Dear father, thank you for letting me buy lots of fancy fighter jets and submarines while all these yucky poor un-Australian people are dying of starvation and ebola. Those fighter jets are way cool. I really want to boof Maverick from Top Gear - but it's okay, I won't marry him. That would be wrong. Amen"

Sunday, December 7, 2014

How to stop politicians from talking crap

Most politicians have been trained to completely avoid answering questions and then waffle on about their own bullshit. I've got a smart way of rectifying that.

Whenever a politician gets interviewed they should be hooked up to a chair with some electrodes. Home viewers would be able to use a phone app to zap them when the answers they provide are crap.

I imagine ordinary Australians would start having an interest in politics. Ratings figures for the 7.30 Report would sky rocket. All the lefties who hate Tony Abbott but also hate violence would be left with an awful moral conundrum - but I'm sure most of them would zap the fucker anyway.