Saturday, August 28, 2010

I blame Constable Care

Remember when the coppers came into primary school and delivered Constable Care's message about Stranger Danger? They did a great job of scaring a generation shitless.

I spent my formative years being suspicious of kind old ladies, sure that these dangerous strangers saying "hello" as I walked home from school were in fact about to abduct me and do something odd with my private region. According to Constable Care everyone I didn't know was suss.

The thing Constable Care neglected to mention was that most kiddies who get abused, get abused by someone they know. Maybe Constable Care should have instead warned about Peculiar Piano Teacher Danger or Drunken Uncle Danger.

I think Constable Care's message has made Australia a very unfriendly place. We're all way too scared and suspicious of each other to do something as dangerous as strike up a conversation.

Constable Care is probably to blame for my shy, awkward phase and for countless rejections from girls I didn't know, who were it not for this perceived stranger danger, have fallen for me instantly. Constable Care is probably why people drink so much before having the courage to talk to other. I blame him for social networking too. Why else would people retreat to their computer room and spend their lives emailing a bunch of people they sort of know?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Um... I don't quite get it

I just watched an ad for "Platinum tampons". The seductive voice-over encouraged viewers to "move up to platinum style". Now I always believed tampons were a product you shoved up your vagina when bleeding. WHY THE HELL DOES THAT PRODUCT NEED TO BE STYLISH? I spend a lot of time writing bullshit but that's a pretty big stretch. Unless it has one of those little pink cocktail umbrellas that unfolds from one end it I just don't believe a tampon can differentiate itself on the basis of style.

Lifestyles of the rich and famous

In the 80's filthy rich people were very happy about being filthy rich. They bought lots or ridiculous shit and then invited the good people of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" around to show it off to the rest of the world. They had helipads, massive pools and TV's that were almost as big as normal people have today. Greed was good and they didn't have to feel self-conscious about it. Checking out all their ridiculous shit was awesome TV, especially because of the voice over guy's mega cool voice.

Now however filthy rich people aren't happy about being filthy rich. Instead of getting around in crazy pink Lamborghinis they are likely to get round in some earth-saving Prius and instead of shooting game, taxidermying the heads and hanging them from the wall, they spend their time adopting little kids from poor countries and shielding them from paparazzi.

I reckon if you are a multi-billionaire you should fuck immunising the world's poor and instead build a polo field on top of the penthouse of your amazingly tall building and you should also have a crazy big pool in the shape of a dollar sign that is filled with supermodels dressed up as mermaids.

Sunday, August 15, 2010


Don't you love it when laziness rewards you? I just went to Woolies to get half a bbq chook. There was one guy at the deli counter and fair few people waving those stupid little numbers around (personally I'm in favour of a free for all system where tall people and pushy Chinese ladies reap the rewards). When lucky 104 came up the dude came over and I said "can I get half a chicken mate?". There were no pre-cut chickens and he clearly couldn't be arsed cutting one up, loading half a carcass into a tray and cleaning up a pair of chicken shears. I can't say I blame him. He came up with a way better solution and just gave me the whole chicken for half price. Awesomeness never ends.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Joining the 21st century

Part of me wants to go chuck my laptop and phone off something very high, then survive by spearing small marsupials. It would be a far fucking simpler way to live however my shoulder is really dodgy and I don't think my spear throwing skills would keep me adequately nourished.

Hence I have now made the decision to stay a part of the 21st century. Today I got a new phone which has GPS, email, Internet, a 5 megapixel camera and a whole lot of other fancy shit including a tiny Qwerty keypad designed for Smurfs or some other wee thing (I love it how Scottish people always say wee).

I have also been nerdy enough to change my web browser to Chrome and I've put little sharing buttons down the bottom of this blog. I still don't think I can bring myself to sign up for facebook or twitter because I really don't have that many thoughts worth sharing.

Tomorrow I might just dress up in some shiny futuristic alfoil kind of outfit and chow down on some space food sticks (I know they are 80's but they still seem way 2020)

Saturday, August 7, 2010


When I was at school I wasn’t overly keen on debating but now the idea is appealing to me more and more. I think it is something about having the opportunity to fully flesh out an idea and then crush your opponent with logic.

It’s quite disappointing that arguments with your partner are not structured in the same way as a school debate. You should get a gull three minutes to say your piece without interruption; then take notes while they make their argument and then have an opportunity for rebuttal. Of course, there should also be an independent adjudicator to decide upon a winner. To avoid having the same arguments over and over, once a topic has been debated once it would never have to be debated ever again.

The problem with arguments in a relationship is that people tend to debate dirty and logic gets thrown out the window. A suggestion that an argument is stupid can often get reinterpreted as a suggestion that the other party is stupid. Some people raise their voices, some get defensive and some walk out of the room. In extreme cases some can resort to crying and then no quantity of reasoning is ever going to win.

Having proper debates between couples could actually work really well as a TV show. Essentially the best TV is about conflict and what better conflict is there than that that has been going on between the same people for twenty years? I’d start the show with a brief behind the scenes look at Bob and Thelma and a review of the issues they have been fighting about. There would then be a mini debate between each ad break. For debate 1 the topic might be “Thelma spends too much time at the bowlo drinking and playing pokies”. Debate 2 might be “Bob’s obsessive interest in toy trains is unhealthy”. The final debate may be “We should just put down Greta the Irish Setter rather than paying for the operation”. Tell me that wouldn’t be compelling?

I’d also have the worm like in the election coverage. To rake in extra bucks people would be able to vote by premium SMS.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Frickin smoke alarms

Happily drunk and fast asleep in a warm bed with fresh sheets. It was just how it should be at 4am on Saturday morning. But then the frickin smoke alarm started stabbing at my brain. "My battery is dying, my battery is dying, come fix me, come fix me". Every ten minutes the bastard started screaming at me like some annoying child (seriously how do parents deal with that crap). Eventually I had to drag myself out of my cosy bed, balance on a chair and rip the annoying bastard off the ceiling.

This led me to think, there are probably fewer people that die from house fires than die from falling off ladders while attempting to quiet the screech of smoke alarms in a half-awake drunken state.

Those that do die from house fires are normally:
(a) people who smoke in bed - if you are that addicted to smoking chances are you going to die pretty soon anyway.
(b) people with alzheimers who forgot they left all the highly combustible stuff next to a dodgy fifty year old heater - again likely to die pretty soon anyway.
(c) people who deep fry a lot of stuff - if you cook a lot of chips and are too fat to outrun a kitchen fire you are no doubt due for a massive heart attack.

Is the life saving potential of this device really worth it destroying my sleep? Possibly, but is it worth it destroying the peace and quiet every time I cook a steak? I'm not rushing straight out for a new battery...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My awesome superpower

I think everyone has something that they are just a bit special at. Maybe you have a knack for judging exactly how long each ad break is going to be. Perhaps you can judge when an avacado is at its perfect ripeness or possibly you can urinate with extreme accuracy. My personal superpower is catching stuff that is falling. I just tripped over my laptop cord which yanked my laptop off the coffee table. For those whithout my superpower this could have been a problem but I was able to latch on to it in a super speedy manner way before impact. The other day I went to put something in the cupboard and a bag of cashews fell out. Despite having my hands full I managed to catch the cashews on my foot a full 20cm above the floor. I don't know if my feet were any cleaner than the floor but I was still pretty proud that my superpower had kicked in yet again.

Looking back on how I gained this superpower, I don't think it was in the usual ways of being born on another planet or having been exposed to nuclear material. Instead I think it was that I played the Mickey Mouse Game and Watch way too much when I was a kid. The game had four chickens all laying eggs and Mickey would have to catch the eggs before they went splat on the ground. Those chickens laid eggs faster and faster as the game went on so I had to be pretty awesome to keep Mickey catching all the way up the Pacific Highway to Expo 88. My brother had the Donkey Kong Game and Watch. I bet he is super good at jumping barrels.