Wednesday, March 27, 2013

That's not cricket

Last night a mosquito bit me on the dick. It's never happened to me before. I always assumed there was some unwritten agreement that they just didn't do that. I felt outraged, violated and quite itchy.

Today I researched ways of preventing being bitten by slutty vampire mosquitoes and they also seemed a bit crap. I think the best solution would be to inject feral animals with something that made them irresistible to mosquitoes. A feral cat/dog/pig/goat/camel would taste so super-duper amazing that mosquitoes would never ever want to go near a human again. We would taste like carob to their chocolate. Then I could sleep soundly again.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Bourgeois Ranting

Often when I get my shopper docket I will look down and see the 2 for 1 wine special tacked on the end of it. I get excited and then I realise its for sauvignon blanc and I'm not really a fan of sauvignon blanc. Why don't they ever have a reisling I angrily wonder? Then I realise what a hoity-toity wanker I've become. Then I argue to myself that I can't have become complete bourgeois scum because I'm still looking for wine specials on shopper dockets.

Cheap wine and a three day growth - nothing screams bogan like the lyrics of a Cold Chisel song. So maybe I'm a selective bogan or maybe I'm just a yuppie wanker with a lack of resources.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Apartment Living

Back in the day when people lived on quarter acre blocks, Australian men had neatly trimmed lawns and hairy bodies. I believe the rise of apartment living has led to the rise of manscaping. Men have an innate urge to trim and without a lawn they have been forced to look to their own bodies.

The more densely populated the area, the more manscaping you will find. Coincidence? I think not.

PowerPoint Cricket

Cricket has become stupid.

Apparently Shane Watson, James Pattinson, Mitchell Johnson and Usman Khawaja were all stood down because they failed to deliver a presentation about how they could improve their performance. In other words, they got shafted because the coach and managers are all dickwads.

If I was in the Australian cricket team and had to prepare a presentation, it would say "hello coaches - the problem is you. You are making me work on PowerPoint instead of my cover drive. You should be fired."

The main reasons we can't win in India is that our spin bowlers suck and our batsmen aren't used to batting on dust bowls. Having some South African wanker forcing players to find other deficiencies can't help though. Just get rid of the coach all together. Clearly he's not helping the team performance or morale.

The coach should be replaced with a little retarded kid who just claps a lot no matter whether the batsmen get a duck or a century. Maybe then we would win the Ashes.