Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Jack White is awesome

Often rock stars are given undue adulation but I think Jack White is worthy.

Things that I admire about him are:

Despite being American he is obsessed with cricket. On the cover of Elephant he is holding a cricket bat and his record label is named after a fielding position.

The guy got married in a canoe on the Amazon with a sharman officiating. That's way more fun than most celebrity weddings.

His upholstery business failed because he made out his bills in crayon and wrote poetry on the furniture.

The triple decker record. Check it out.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

From the pure clean waters of...

I was watching that Boags ad the other night which goes on about how the pure clean water of Tasmania makes their beer so good. The ad made me want to go down there and ride a Kmart bike into that river so it would magically transform into something way more awesome. It also made the beer I was drinking taste pretty foul.

You see, I was drinking a Kingfisher, which comes from the pure, clean waters of India. As well as having a whole lot of industrial waste and sewage, the Ganges is where people spread the ashes of their loved ones. Unfortunately a lot of poor people can't afford enough wood to burn their relatives completely so a whole lot of semi-cooked body parts go in that river. No one really wants crispy dead man toes flavouring their beer.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Mentally ill Masterchef

I can understand the Masterchef people wanting to cash in with a spin-off but it kiddie Materchef really the way to go? Personally I don't want to see some precocious little prick whip us lobster thermodore. I don't want to see those fat fuck judges saying heart warming things to eight year olds in some culinary beauty pagaent. I want drama. I want Mentally Ill Masterchef!

I want to see George threatened with a cleaver. I want to see contestants cook liver with fava beans and a nice chianti a la Hannibal Lector. When the contestants cut themselves I want it to be on purpose. I want to see a salty mouthed tourettes aflicted nanna say things inappropriate for a 7.30 timeslot. I want someone to cook their imaginary cat.

Friday, September 3, 2010

The loudest car stereo ever

Jonah Lomu is famous for two things. The first is running straight over the top of Mike Catt in the World Cup (he did that to lots of players but the humiliation of this effort was unparalleled). Jonah is also famous for owning New Zealand's loudest car stereo. Apparently if you got his Nissan Patrol and pumped his stereo up to full volume (160 decibals) it could actually kill you. That's pretty damn impressive.

Today while I was playing golf I heard something that sounded like it might just have been Jonah. The tune coming out of this stereo was a good eight times louder than a Mr Whippy van's Green Sleeves. I think I could still hear it when it was about 4km away. It wasn't however doof coming out of that oversized subwoofer. It was Rick Astley's "Never Going to Give You Up". Special.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

A tinge of ginge

Let's face it - most redheads are a bit mental. It's like a little red food colouring has just seeped in to their brains and turned them wild.

I've always looked at the ranga population from a smug mouse-brown perspective but after not shaving for a week it has become apparent that there is a tinge of ginge in my beard. Does this explain things?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Mini Cokes

I like the new 200ml cans of coke. They make me feel like a giant.

Still got it?

Back in my glory days (1995) I was playing in a rugby match in Grenfell. With a minute left to go we were up by one point and to run down the clock I attempted a penalty goal from halfway. I frickin smashed it and by some miracle it went over.

Despite hanging up my boots at the conclusion of the 95 season I have gone down the park each winter just to see if I've still got it. Normally it takes a lot of attempts and a good helping breeze but eventually I land one from the 50 metre mark.

Today I went down to the local park feeling ready to prove that my 32 year old body could do just as well as my 17 year old body. The ball was inflated just right, there was a nice following breeze and my hammy was well stretched. Only one problem - they'd taken the posts down.