Thursday, June 27, 2013

What did the boogie ever do?

For my whole life I've never really understand why we should blame it on the boogie. I thought boogieing was supposed to be a positive activity. Six years after the Jackson 5 sang that song, Kevin Bacon appeared in the movie Footloose. The movie was all about how the boogie had been unfairly blamed. I thought it preached an important message and resolved the whole question once and for all of whether it was right to blame it on the boogie. Clearly it is was not right

I don't get why the Jacksons boogied to a song that blamed "it" on the boogie. It seems rather hypocritical and anyway what exactly was "it" that they were blaming the boogie for? If they were blaming the boogie for a vase that got knocked over or a table that broke while someone was dancing upon it that may be fair enough, however I would suggest alcohol may also have been a contributing factor. If however they are blaming the boogie for global warming I think that may be a stretch. There is after all no proven scientific evidence that sun dances are effective.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013


Beyond any policies, politics or sexism there is a pretty clear reason why Julia Gillard is no longer PM - she just wasn't inspiring.

Leaders should be able to inspire but the only thing her dull voice ever inspired me to do was change the channel. Every time she talked it was like I was back in year eight history class with some droney teacher endlessly blathering on about something or other that was probably very interesting but made to sound ever so fucking boring that I would just vandalise my desk with my set of geometry compasses.

As well as being an inspirational figure I think it helps if your leader is an aspirational figure. Awkward photo shoots of Julia doing the knitting or standing around in a footy jersey didn't really help with that. When it comes down to it, no one really aspires to be some bogan auntie that shacked up with a goofy hairdresser.

I can understand people wanting to be like Obama. He is cool, good looking, has a hot wife and can even manage to sing and dance without looking like a complete dick. K Rudd is certainly a lot daggier but at least he has something going on. He is smart, bilingual, has a rich wife and a cute half Asian granddaughter. He can also make a relatively inspiring speech and doesn't make my skin crawl like Tony Abbott. I don't know if that will get him over the line but at least I won't have to listen to Julia's nasal droning up until the election.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Hardly ever

Bad stuff hardly ever happens here. On a worldwide scale our crime rate is reassuringly low.

The problem is sometimes things do happen which can quickly shatter all our feelings of comfort and safety. Much of this depends on proximity. Crimes are far more shocking if they happen to someone you know, in the same area or to someone who shares the same characteristics as you or someone you love.

When I watch most crime reports on the TV I normally quickly dismiss them before comforting myself with the fact I'm not living in Syria. When I heard about what happened to Jill Meagher I couldn't be so blase. Jill was 29, Irish, brunette, smart and attractive - all characteristics shared by the love of my life.

I still realise stuff like that hardly ever happens but the actions of one psychopath can really fuck with that carefree vibe.

It would be nice to live in a place with no door locks but  some burglar stuffed that idea up long ago. A few terrorists mean we can no longer board a plane without emptying our pockets, taking off our shoes and ditching that scary bottle of water. A succession of kiddy-fiddlers means most parents are now a whole lot less comfortable with their child becoming an alter boy or going away on scout camp.

As much as these crimes are horrible for the people directly involved, the broader impact also really sucks. Our minds don't work on a purely rational statistical level. Just one racist on a bus, one shark attack or one psycho rapist killer can really bugger things up.

The lazy rebellion

While most people seem to be disgusted by armpit hair on a lady, I really don't think it such a bad thing. In fact, I think there is an argument that a few little wisps can be sexy and I frickin love arguing so here it goes.

1. From an evolutionary point of view armpit hair is an advertisement that a women is sexually mature. If you can't stand the sight of female armpit hair you may just be a closet paedophile. 

2. When you see armpit hair it's hard not to visualise what is going on downstairs. A clean shaven armpit  won't get you automatically thinking about muff in the same way, hence it must be less sexy. Of course, if you can't stand the thought of a hairy muff you may just be a closet paedophile. (how good is the word muff by the way - I don't think I've used it since the 90's)

3. Not shaving your armpits has become a bold non-conformist act and I  expect bold non-conformists to be better in bed. While getting a sleeve of tattoos has become socially acceptable, natural hair growth is sure to inspire a sharp reaction. I think this is kind of fucked up.

4. A woman with hairy armpits probably isn't too hung up on body image. They are not only going to want to do it with the lights out, the covers up and in a position which doesn't reveal all the body parts they are secretly ashamed of.

5. The role of armpit hair is to hold the sweat which carries the pheromones that makes us attracted to woman. Clever marketing campaigns by Gillete and Rexona have totally killed off this natural mechanism which helps in partner selection. It may just be responsible for every bad relationship you've ever had.

Maybe we need to start a charity month like Movember for women. Pittober or something. It could change everyone's weird attitudes, allow people to rebel in a lazy way and raise money for something important.


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Searching for drugs

In our wonderful modern society with all its conveniences you would think being able to get medication when you are in pain would be a fairly simple task. It's not - at least not after 10 pm. For some weird reason 24 hour pharmacies do not exist in Sydney. Up the road I can go to a cafe and get a chai latte at four in the morning. I can drive through McDonalds for some greasy crap. I can fill up on petrol, get myself a slushie and tempt fate with a service station hot dog. Filling a prescription however is not going to happen.

If you get bundled out of hospital after hours it's pointless searching for pain medication. Go to a bar and order something strong.

Ultimately we should have 24 hour home delivery. Obviously junkies trying to hold up drug delivery drivers could be an issue however for this I have a cunning plan. I would make the drivers have blue lights on them - just like in those toilets where they are trying to deter junkies. Apparently blue lights are quite effective in deterring junkies but if that wasn't enough, I'd arm them with blue light-sabers. It would be like Luke Skywalker was coming to your rescue and that would make being in pain less shitty.