Saturday, December 15, 2012

Unconventional weapons

I blame pop culture for America's gun problem. Countless movies, TV shows and music videos have made guns look cool - just the way they made cigarettes look cool. Who could watch Dirty Harry and not want a 44 magnum?

Despite guns being heavy and uncomfortable to carry they are regarded by many Americans as a fashion accessory they wouldn't leave home without. As Americans don't seem willing to change their gun laws, I believe we should encourage them towards more unconventional weapons.

Surely the ultimate gangsta accessory would have to be a bowler hat similar to that worn by the James Bond villain in Goldfinger. It would look classy, be far more comfortable than packing heat and also be a really cool weapon. Knocking people over with your bowler hat is completely bad-ass!

I think I might start marketing them online. I will have purple hat weapons with feathers in them for pimps and a Stetson version for people who live in Texas. I might also do ones for the police - although that could be dangerous when they graduate from police academy and all throw their hats in the air. 

Monday, December 10, 2012

Is your fridge running?

I guess you'd better go catch it then... Hilarious but what happened to the good old prank call?

Firstly it was severely damaged by telemarketers. After being bombarded by Indians trying to flog them all manner of crap most sensible people decided to stop interrupting the enjoyment of their lamb roast to pick up the phone. Outside of dinner hours you could generally get through but if you wanted to pretend you were from the electricity company you did have to put on an Indian accent and call people Mr David.

The next thing that ruined it was caller ID. No longer could you scare people by calling your mates and pretending you were a detective from the local cop shop. "Fuck off Jamie, I know it's you".  Wow, it is was disappointing when  it wasn't just my paper-thin impersonation than gave it away.

Mobile phones were pretty much the death of the prank call. Now no one I know under the age of 50 even has a land line. After all who is going to pay Telstra $35 a month to receive telemarketing and prank calls?

I know a nurse suicided after a prank call and now all sorts of wowsers want prank calls banned but I think we should bring back the prank call. Call up one of your elderly relatives today. Suck them in, share a laugh and then let them crap on about their various medical ailments for ten minutes. It is a great way of spreading some love.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Mock meat

It's good to embrace new experiences. If we didn't our lives would be incredibly dull and predictable and we wouldn't learn anything. With this spirit in mind I yesterday went to Vina the vegan Vietnamese. With all that alliteration it had at least something going for it.

I ordered a bowl of noodles and it came with mock meat which did cause some apprehension on my part. What was it like? Confusing I must say. Perhaps like a lesbian being fucked for the first time with a strap-on dildo. A sausage but not a sausage. A chicken but not a chicken. Something strange and false entering my body, causing enjoyment but raising many questions.

What I don't really get is if people aren't in to meat, why do they make food which looks and tastes like meat? Why not just celebrate the glory that is a turnip? I'd go somewhere known for doing amazing things with cauliflower or carrots, but why try to fool me with your Frankenstein bean curd creations? It's just weird.

Thursday, November 29, 2012


Normal people carry $50 and $20 notes because that is what ATM's spit out. Hundreds are carried exclusively by dodgy people. If you are carrying a hundred dollar note chances are you are a drug dealer or some sort of tax evader. They should really implant tracking devices on $100 notes or at least make them with ink that bleeds all over you. That way the drug squad and auditors from the ATO could then easily identify dodgy people. In a matter of months we could win the drug war and massively increase taxation revenues by making tradies who do cashies pay their far share.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Alternate gift idea

During Christmas billions of dollars will be spent on crap gifts that no one will ever use. No one needs a foot spa and no one uses a foot spa more than once. Once they do use it they can never re-sell it because who wants a second hand foot spa? That's just nasty. We shouldn't be buying people foot spas. We should be buying them their lives back.

I'd like to start a scheme where you are able to buy people a day off work for Christmas. You just pay their employer and get their time back. If you can't afford a whole day you just buy an afternoon or an extended lunch. That's going to be far more relaxing than a foot spa.

Monday, November 19, 2012

PR war in the Middle East

I don't know much about the Middle East but I do know that if Palestine continues with its current tactics it will continue to get fucked over by Israel. Instead of firing rockets I believe it should resort to a much more interesting tactic.

I would like to see them get a bunch of pigs and write a statement on the side of each of them.

They could read "Israel will no longer blow up children" or "Israel will hand back occupied territories". Of course, past experience would suggest the answer to any of these statements is "yeah, and pigs might fly". So they should make them fly...

Just attach balloons to the pigs and let them float over the fence in to Israel. It's brilliantly visual and bound to get far more TV coverage than depressing coverage of rocket craters. It gets a point across and has the added benefit of pissing off the enemy who are not a fan of pigs.

Of course, in America all you would hear about is the animal cruelty aspect of strapping pigs to balloons. Then the debate would be all about whether it was the Palestinians' fault for strapping balloons to the pigs or the Israelis' fault for blowing cute little Babe into a thousand little pieces with their missile defence system. At least that would be more interesting than the current debate.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Walking sucks

Race walking is about the most pathetic sport there is. People can’t help but laugh at men who wiggle there arse in such a way. Today, using a normal gait, I walked past a guy who was doing a slow race walk – he had all of the wiggling, just none of the forward momentum. I thought he might be humiliated by this but anyone who race walks obviously has a high humiliation threshold.

It seems obvious that the Olympics should replace race walking with hopping. There could be a straight-out endurance race where the person who hops the longest distance without putting their foot down wins. There could also be an extreme hopping event where competitors have to negotiate an obstacle course without putting their foot down. 

The athletes would be like Rodger Federer, just instead of having arms of unequal size, they would have one massive leg. I'd be impressed by the freakishness and the prospect of seeing people fall over always makes a sport far more watchable. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

Scaring Cats

We have many annoying feral cats that invade our backyard. As well as ruthlessly beheading and disembowelling possums, they have really loud fights - it's like a women's tennis match is going on at 3 am. I have thought of cashing on this violence by dressing them up in little silky shorts and gloves and having cat UFC. I worry they would scratch the crap out of me while I was trying to do this though. With my cat allergies my eyes would probably get really itchy too.

Instead I am thinking of revisiting one of my old ideas and getting a little boy pissing fountain. The fountain would have a motion sensor and when cats came in to the yard the boy would swivel to the appropriate angle and release a squirt the appropriate distance to piss all over the cat. It would be brilliantly entertaining.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Is a leader a leader if no one wants to follow them?

Americans are good at inspiring speeches. Maybe it is because they have better speech writers or maybe it is just the confidence of having crowds of really over-excited people who will cheer loudly no matter what is said. Maybe it is because they have leaders who don't speak in a nasal bogan voice, while treating their audience like retarded five year olds. Julia will never inspire anyone, either will Tony. Why the hell are they leaders?

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Solving homelessness

There is a simple solution to homelessness - boats.

Thousands of boats are just bobbing about on the harbour collecting pelican shit. Rich people don't use their boats. They don't actually like boats. They just like buying boats. That way they can talk to all their chums at the golf club and tell them what a spiffing boat they have.

Every homeless person should get to stay on a vacant boat. It would keep them out of trouble and be way more comfortable than sleeping under a bridge or something. If the owner did actually want to use the boat the homeless person could be employed to serve drinks and plates of canapes. Alternatively they could just ride behind in the dingy if they smelled too bad.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012


Halloween wasn't big when I was a kid but one year my mates and I thought passing up the opportunity for free lollies was just too good to miss out on. We didn't really have any outfits so I thought I might get a sheet and cut some eyes out of it. I knew mum would be pissed off if cut holes in her good white sheet and all the other sheets had prints on them - and who is going to be afraid of a ghost with little racing cars all over it? Instead I got three of my dads old white singlets and somehow artistically draped them over me along with a piece of chain I found in the garage. It looked pretty crap but I figured it was enough effort to score some lollies.

Turned out trick or treating was awesome. We just knocked on lots of random doors and 90% of people gave us stuff. It wasn't the people that gave me the best lollies that I remember though.

One guy answered the door in his stubbies and when we said "trick or treat" he just replied "nah, bullshit, that shit's American" and slammed the door in our adorable faces. I can remember thinking that was fair enough because we were just copying something we had seen in Family Ties or something.

Next was a guy who fucked with our minds. His response to the standard question was "what tricks do you do? Do you juggle?". Up until that point everyone had just given as lollies and we didn't really know what to do in this situation. We considered egging his house but we decided that would waste too much time that could be better spent getting more lollies.

The third was an old lady who was charmed to have a bunch of poorly costumed brats knocking on her door. She spent time trying to work out what each one of us was and then ages rattling around inside her kitchen trying to find a treat. In the end she gave each of us an orange and ten cents. Had she given me a freddo frog I probably wouldn't have remembered her at all.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Kinder Surprise is Ruining Easter

You used to only be able to get chocolate eggs at Easter. That's why they were called Easter eggs. Then Kinder Surprise came along and buggered that all up. Suddenly chocolate eggs were available the whole year round which really made Easter far less special. They also put toys inside the eggs. So now when kids crack open their Easter eggs they probably just become really disappointed at the lack of a crappy plastic toy inside.

I believe chocolate eggs should be banned for eleven months of the year. They should also ban imported mangoes so you can appreciate mango season that much more.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Sculpture and strippers

The annoying thing about sculpture is you are generally not allowed to touch it. The same thing goes for strippers. That's why both get boring relatively quickly.

I'd like to do a sculpture that is kind of like Gumby. People could just stretch it and bend it in to whatever shape they wanted. That would be fun.

Maybe there should also be bars where you are blind folded but you get to run your hands over the strippers and imagine what they look like. Sure, it would be creepy but far better for the blind community.

Monday, October 15, 2012

the boredom of awesome

Jumping out of a hot air balloon from a record height may just be setting yourself up for a life of boring conversation. Every time someone meets you, you are going to have the same conversation over and over again:

"What was it like to do that?"
"Totally toptabulous"
"Life is kind of boring now so I just combine words together and make my fun that way."
"I see..."

Neil Armstrong didn't do interviews because he hated re-hashing what he did 40 years earlier. He may have baked the most delightful cake that day but no one would be interested because they would just want to talk about what he did way back then.

I think it is unwise to do one big thing which is super-mega awesome. Instead just keep doing lots of little things which are a super-mega awesome.

Thursday, October 11, 2012


Lance soaked up a lot of glory over the years. Millions of people lined the roads cheering him on. This situation needs to be redressed.

I think he should be made to do another lap of France just so people can boo him. He should have to do it on a shitty old Chinese clunker bike. People should be able to throw overripe fruit, blow smoke from there gitanes in his face and yell abusive things while waving their hands about in a dramatic French manner.

Thumb tacks should be all over the road and each time he gets a flat the mechanic will just say "fix it yourself you fucking cheat" before throwing a pump and a patch at him.

Monday, October 1, 2012

What if soy beans feel pain?

Just imagine how a lettuce feels when it is beheaded. People say plants don't feel pain but how do we really know? Perhaps in making that salad you inflicted horrible pain on a whole lot of living creatures. I worry about this and hence keep my fruit and vegetable intake to a sensible level.

I like to eat meat because it helps ensure the survival of stupid species. Sheep would be extinct were it not for the fact they are extremely tasty. All they know how to do is eat grass and follow one another. We've been helping them do these activities for over 2000 years (I didn't learn much in Sunday school but I know some of the stories involved shepherds). We keep the predators away and provide lush pastures so they can just happily much all day without having to deal with that whole survival situation. Aren't we nice?

Chickens are similar. They are slow birds that fly very poorly, yet taste very good. They'd be long gone without us.

If we really want to save the pandas we should start eating them. If pandas tasted better than lamb New Zealand would start growing bamboo in place of all that grass and we would have a sizeable panda population very quickly. It makes sense.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

little boy pissing

I like those fountains that involve some little cherub like boy pissing. They seem quite joyous.

I was thinking it might be even better to have an ejaculating statue - after all, that's even more joyous. Surely that would go well at Sculpture by the Sea. I also think it could be a good tourist attraction for a town that doesn't yet have a big merino/banana/pineapple. People would love it. They would take all these photos in perspective like the ones where they are pretending to hold up the leaning tower of Pisa - except they would be a whole lot smuttier.

I also think it would be a fantastic idea for hens' nights. Just imagined if it spurted globules of salty tequila margarita. People would start by trying to catch it in cups but it wouldn't end up that way.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

My invisible friend

People get very excited about defending the honour of their invisible friends. Often their anger spills over in to  real riots, killing of ambassadors etc. I think all fights about invisible friends should be mime fights. Protesters could  mime shouting slogans, throw mime rocks and turn over mime cars. The police could play their part too - falling over when they have been hit by a mime rock, spraying mime tear gas... even riding mime horses! 

After displaying their anger they could then walk away happy... or they could gallop away on a mime horse.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Pretending to work

A lot of people I know who work in offices spend a lot of time pretending to work. That's stupid. I'd guess about 25% of total working hours are wasted in this pathetic pantomime. Across Australia that's billions of hours every year.

There should be some national project that people should be able to work on when they are idle instead of just pretending to work. We could knit the world's biggest rug or something - I don't know what the project is but with a billion hours it could be pretty amazing. A Taj Mahal made out of popsicle sticks perhaps?

Thursday, September 6, 2012


Phones used to be sturdy. When you had a screaming match on the phone you could end the conversation by violently slamming down the handset on the receiver. It created a good definite sound to whoever was on the other end.

Portable phones took that away but at least you could still press the button. Smart phones have fucked things completely. You remove the thing from your ear, wait for the end call button to appear and then you tap this smooth surface - it is so unsatisfying. You can't even start swearing immediately.

They should invent bouncing phones. When you want to hang up you just throw it at the wall, slam it down on your desk or bang it on your head.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The greatest television ever made

Seeing Rags the kangaroo attack Marty the monster was one of the true highlights of my childhood. Rile up a massive red kangaroo and let it go nuts on some dude in a stupid costume in front of a live audience of bewildered children - genius. Comical, violent and unpredictable. Everyone should watch this video when they need to cheer up.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Chinese Michael Bolton

Hearing Michael Bolton is always slightly grating. The Chinese version just takes it to another level though. I don't quite understand why the Chinese are so enamoured with cheesy love songs - I'm sure it has something to do with karaoke though. I wonder what the Chinese Michael Bolton looks like? I hope he has a mullet.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Human Origami

Puppetry of the penis was a big success but I don't really know it is fully utilising the whole human body. I would like to see a troupe of contortionists create human origami. They could fold themselves into all sorts of  interesting animal shapes and perform in  festivals in South Australia which we know from the number plates is the festival  state. I'm disappointed NSW no longer has a number plate slogan. It used to be "the premier state" which was a nice fuck you to the rest of Australia. From memory Victoria changed theirs from "the garden state" to "the place to be" in a move which smacked of desperation. I would like states to have less boastful slogans. Maybe "VIC - It could be worse" or "WA - quite large and sandy".

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Rite of passage

I hate the introduction of self-scan checkouts for a number of reasons. It's impersonal, it duds someone out of a job and it's just plain rude to make me do that crap myself. It has also removed an awkward rite of passage that should be experienced by every pimple faced teenager. Allowing these kids to zap their own condoms through the self-scan checkout at the supermarket is crap. They should have to go to chemists and make that awkward transaction face to face. It builds character and it no doubt provides amusement for people who work at chemists.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Weird and wonderful Olympians

The Olympics does produce some amazing freaks. Here are my favourites so far.
British shot-putter Carl Myerscough is the closest thing I've seen to a proper giant. I've heard you can only access his house via beanstalk.
German track cyclist Robert Fostermann has the most ridiculous legs of any human being to have lived. He finds it hard to buy jeans.
Nigerian weightlifter Felix Ekpo brings the six pack to a whole new level. I don't quite understand how it is anatomically possible but his stomach is just some massive ball of muscle.
Belarus trampolinist Viashaslau Modzel is the only athlete I've seen to sport both a 70's mo and a comb-over. Surprisingly he is aged just 25. I'm looking forward to seeing him in many more Olympics to come.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


You can now book a space flight on Virgin Galactic for a mere $200,000. Even if I were ridiculously rich I don't know if I would do it though. I just imagine a lot of people vomiting, it floating around all over the place and then being really disappointed that I can't see the Great Wall of China because my window has chunks all over it. After a while I would probably get bored of looking out the window and just tune in to the in-flight movie which would no doubt be something crap involving Tom Hanks. Then I would land and realise I was in the same place and that I'd just wasted a stupid amount of money on a Tom Hanks movie and that I had other people's weird caviar vomit all over me.

Monday, July 30, 2012


If you were in the Olympics what price would you accept to be slightly nobbled? I don't know what Swatch is paying beach volleyballers to wear there watches but I'm guessing it is relatively substantial.

I've played a lot of beach volleyball and I don't think I've ever seen anyone wear a watch. The ball hits your wrist a lot so wearing a watch is kind of off-putting. Apart from money there can be no real reason why you would do it. Really, you have trained for four years for this moment - you are not going to be checking the time to see whether you can meet up with Gary for some beers or get home for mum's lamb roast.

I'm guessing lots of beach volleyballers have taken Swatch up on their offer because the normally get paid shit money. It must be really embarrassing holding up an oversized novelty winners cheque with $3000 written on it when you have spent twice the amount on airfares.

Good thinking by Swatch though - lots of super-slow-mos proudly featuring the product wrapped around tall, athletic, hot people.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

take a penny, leave a penny

Yesterday when buying strangely flavoured chips from the Asian grocery store I had a bunch of change but was about 15 cents short. The cashier decided she would rather accept my shrapnel than make change for a $50 note. I felt bad though.

We need to have the same system as in Canada where they have a coin plate next to the register. If you get some small coins you don't want to carry around you drop them in the plate. If you are 15 cents short you just take some coins out. Everyone's happy.

When I start my own country it is going to have coin plates.


I never thought of Milton & Bradley as being an evil cog in the capitalist machine but now I'd like to establish  a wild conspiracy theory. Everyone knows about Monopoly and how it encourages us to be money-hungry landlords determined to wipe out competition. It's kind of obvious but there are some far more subtle ways they skew childhood development.

Hungry Hungry Hippos - encourages rabid consumerism and greed.
Snakes & Ladders - encourages a desire to climb the corporate ladder.
Operation - encourages a desire to get a fancy job whilst making them fearful of making mistakes.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The original hipster

Somewhere in New York there is a guy who is responsible for every stupid hipster trend. He grows a stupid  beard and other NY hipsters follow. Then some guy takes a photo on their iPhone with the ironic old school handset attached and before you know it half of Surry Hills looks like Ned Kelly. He is responsible for sleeve tattoos. He brought wide rimmed glasses to wankers with perfect vision. He made hipsters everyone roll up their tight pants and wear leather shoes without socks. When I see that I don't think it looks hip - I just think these people are going to have terrible foot odour.

The obvious answer is to capture the original hipster and lock him up so he can't start any more stupid trends. Ideally we would all then just wear shiny jumpsuits like in most futuristic movies. That way we could forget about fashion and get on with our lives. Alternatively we could just be like cartoon characters and wear the same thing everyday. You could have a blue Betty Rubble dress or the blue pants, white shirt ensemble favoured by the likes of Homer Simpson and George Jetson. I don't know about Yogi Bear's outfit - the tie is a classy touch but it's probably good to have pants.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


One of the best bits about buying stuff on the Internet is reading the reviews and seeing whether other people thought the product was crap. Today I was looking at a bike light and I saw the most awesome review ever. It simply said "so bright possums fell out of trees". I bought it.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Third World Dogs

I saw someone carrying their little white fluff ball of a dog today. Perhaps it was too fat and lazy to make it around the block or perhaps carrying a dog around in an oversized handbag was just a fashion statement for its owner. I felt sorry for the thing. I don't think it gets to chase bikes, postmen or other dogs. It certainly doesn't get to roam around with a pack of other dogs. It probably just yelps all day waiting for the lady with the handbag to return and refill the bowl with gourmet dog food.

Third world dogs may often be scrawny and diseased but at least they get to do dog things. They get to hang  out with their mates. They get to sniff around for scraps of food, sniff other dogs' bums or come together for a spot of copulation with their intact downstairs doggy bits. 

They don't have weird masters who follow them around picking up their faeces. They don't get to ride around in handbags or get dressed up in cute outfits. I really don't think they are in to that though. 

Saturday, July 7, 2012


I've been thinking of putting together an art exhibition for ages. Initially I was going to do one called 'any idiot could have done that' because I believe that is the most common response to modern art. It was going to be intentionally wanky and self-indulgent. It was actually going to take some effort though...

Now however I think I have come come up with a concept that would be more interesting, far easier and wouldn't just be about me taking the piss out of modern art. The idea is to have an exhibition called 'Outsourced'. It would involve me coming up with some stupid ideas, getting random people from around the world to execute them very cheaply and asking a ridiculous amount for the finished product.

Taking the piss out of modern capitalism is way more interesting.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Choose your own adventure

Choose your own adventure books used to be way cool. Just imagine though if you could be the central character in a real life choose your own adventure. I think that's how I should do my next holiday.

The first step would be to get someone rich who has a love of choose your own adventure books to finance the whole thing. I would write the opening few pages and then they would get the choice of sending me to  Spain or Dubbo.

Should I go in to the dodgy looking bar down the dark alley? It wouldn't be up to me. It would be up to the person choosing my adventure. Should I ride a camel or should I go attempt to fire twirl with the hippie people on the beach? I wouldn't have to make any of those decisions. My choose your own adventure reader would do it for me.

I imagine a choose your own adventure holiday would force you to do interesting things because no one wants to read about you sitting around the hotel pool and drinking lots of cocktails.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

look at me

I think I know where newspapers are going wrong. They are still trying to sell their readers news.

Twitter and Facebook are so successful simply for the "look at me" factor. Everyone wants to be heard, praised, befriended and followed. I never liked Twitter though because it posed the wrong question - what are you doing right now? The answer is always going to be typing crap on a phone and trying to big note yourself. I never really liked the idea of Facebook for a similar reason. Someone I barely know cooked an omelette. Woopty doo.

I can see myself getting addicted to a site where the question is "what do you think?". That's what news sites should really offer - a soap box, a boxing ring, an audience for the silent majority who have only ever been silent because no one would really listen. The news is just a way to start the fight. The fight is where the money is at.

Monday, July 2, 2012

product placement

It may be unladylike; it may be loud and obnoxious, but that’s not what bothers me about all the shrieking in women’s tennis. To me it just seems like a major missed opportunity. Just imagine if instead of shrieking "Ahh-OOO" at 100 decibels players were paid to shriek "LEXUS" or "Nike" or if they are really talented "I can't believe it's not butter". That exposure would be worth an incredible amount more than a thirty second TVC at the change of ends. They are sitting on an absolute goldmine.

It would make sense for sponsors to take on both players in a match so you may have one yelling "Campbell's" and one yelling "Soup". Over a three course match you could hear Campbell's Soup mentioned over 500 times. That's more product placement than The Block and Masterchef put together! Who could resist such advertising power? By the end of the game I know my only decision would be whether to opt for tomato or chicken and noodle.

Potentially the players could also be given a slogan to exclaim in turn, word by word, shot by shot. Not only would this benefit the sponsors, it would also benefit the game immensely. With sponsors willing to pay far more each time their slogan is announced in full, we would no doubt see much longer rallies. Instead of wildly slashing a low percentage return down the line, players would have a major incentive to stick in there for the four or five shots required taken to announce the slogan.

Sponsored shrieking could also do wonders for sports betting. Instead of having the commentators awkwardly insert the current odds into their commentary, you could have the players grunting them out as they played. At the start of a match Serena Williams could be yelling “one dollar ten" while her unseeded opponent could be wailing “six dollars”. After unexpectedly going down a set and two breaks you might then be treated to the sight of Serena smashing her racquet while cursing "four frickin’ dollars". With that level of involvement I know where my rent money would be going.

Celebrate in style

I am disappointed with the way tennis players celebrate these days. All of them just fall on the floor like they have been shot. It is self-indulgent and really boring.

I quite like the traditional celebration of jumping over the net to shake hands with your opponent. It shows exuberance, good sportsmanship and athletic ability.
The other obvious option is that favoured by Andrew Ilie who enjoyed destroying his shirt in post match celebrations. He wasn't trying to show off a six pack - the man just rejoiced in destruction. I hope he bought a monster truck with the winnings from that one tournament he made it to the quarter finals in. I hope he uses it to crush old carollas.

I've seen some pretty amazing celebrations in other sports. Tennis really needs to lift its game.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

At your worst

When we meet new people we generally see them at their best.

It takes ages to see how they are when they are really pissed off, which is unfortunate because I think it important to know what they are like when they lose their shit.

Maybe we need to meet people when they've just had a car crash, suffered a six hour delay at the airport or had their cat run over. Then we'd know.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Not so super

It's pretty sad. These days Superman's alter-ego would just be some unemployed bloke searching in vain for a telephone booth.

I guess the problem is we care more about Superman than Clarke Kent. Real news just isn't interesting to most people. A story about some far flung war is depressing, politicians just spout crap and half the content of the paper is re-hashed press releases anyway.

Despite it being the information age most people are actually becoming less informed. They may know something about the new iPhone release or what is going on with the Kardashians but how many people actually have an idea of what is going on with the world?

Now the Australian media is being controlled by a super-rich super-bitch hell bent on convincing me she should pay less tax. And I have to pay her for the privilege of reading that?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Penis mice

When the scientists made a human ear grow on a mouse I thought that was the most disgusting thing ever. Then I thought again. What if they made mice with human penises on them? And what if your house got infested by penis mice? And what if they crawled all over you while you were sleeping? I think that would be the most disgusting thing ever.

Monday, June 18, 2012

a wee bit too competitive

I think competition is a good thing. Without the world would be kind of pathetic. Cadel Evans would be an unremarkable short guy with a bum chin, Tiger Woods would be picking up even trashier cocktail waitresses and Ussain Bolt would probably just be having a doobie, listening to Bob Marley and staring at the participation certificate he got for that year six running race.

I was brought up to be competitive and I find it really hard to switch off. I realised this when I was giving blood today and I was trying to race the other people to see if I could fill up my bag first. I have to say I got a little bit excited when my machine started beeping well ahead of the guy with the cardigan and the woman in the tracky-dacks.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Parking ninjas

I got my first ever parking fine today from some Manly parking ninja who was already on the scene at 8.30 on a Sunday morning. $88 for spending 15 minutes too long in a car space. That is the least fun use of money ever.

It particularly annoys me because of all the stupid penny pinching crap that I subject myself too. 15 minutes less and I could have:

  • Had the fresh tiger prawns rather than the thawed vannamei ones. 
  • Bought fancy imported beer rather than cheap domestic stuff
  • Got my hair cut 
  • Had a New York steak rather than a rump
  • Had some fresh herbs with my pasta
  • Upgraded my phone to something which doesn't get laughed at

Leading from the bench

It was really weird watching Piri Weepu leading the haka considering the dude is a reserve.

Just imagine a kiwi version of Braveheart. After Mel Gibson gives his rousing "they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom" speech, he would then go on to say "you guys go out to do battle first. I'm just going to put on my tracksuit and sit on this seat for an hour or so. It is a bet wet and windy out there. Best of luck fellas."

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Why Myer will soon die

I went to Myer to buy a stereo and immediately the signs weren’t good. In the middle of all this technology there was a dirty bucket collecting drips from the ceiling. I tried to get the attention of a salesperson but he told me he knew nothing about stereos and to wait for the one other guy who was tending to a ninety year old lady. Despite the place being pretty much a ghost town I waited so long I just about saw an entire episode of Days of Our Lives on the big TVs that surrounded me.

Eventually the very depressed sales attendant slumped over. I can’t blame him for being depressed - I’ve seen hospital wards that were more uplifting than the technology department of Myer. I really don’t think the lighting was doing anything for his complexion either because he looked slightly zombieish.

He wasn’t keen on selling the model I wanted because it was the last one and it seemed like finding the box for it was going to be way too difficult. He suggested I go back to Bing Lee. Clearly he wasn’t selling on commission. 

Saturday, June 2, 2012

branding and religion

I visit a lot of homes and it is amazing how many average white people have Buddha statues. I am sure most of these people have only the vaguest idea about the religion but the associated iconography is really appealing. I think it helps that people have a choice of two Buddhas. Depending on your personality you can choose a fat, happy Buddha or a chilled out thin Buddha. The lotus flower is a really beautiful touch and I can't imagine any uniform that matches the flowing saffron robes of a Buddhist monk. Buddhism really got their branding right.

Christianity however decided to choose a torture instrument as their logo. The cross is visually strong but not overly appealing - especially when you see it with some skinny beardy guy nailed to it. Poor Jesus. Not only did he have to suffer such treatment, he also had hair that was never going to be anywhere near as cool as Buddha's.

The one I really feel sorry for though is Mohammed. Islam dictates that you are not able to show representations of him. I don't know what the idea behind that is but it is terrible branding.

Hinduism has tried really hard but I think maybe too hard. All those extra arms, blue skin, elephant heads etc. is way too confusing

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Have a nice day

I just threw a tantrum in Kmart. I don't really know if anyone saw it but I hope they did.

I used to man a till at Kmart, getting paid $9 an hour to scan socks and undies for price conscious pensioners. It sucked. When I quit however I knew that operating a checkout at Kmart was something I would never again have to do. Or so I thought.

I was planning on starting a herb garden today and I went to Kmart to purchase some seeds. I got to the registers and there was only one with its light on and it wasn't manned. Reluctantly I went to the self-checkout lane. The oregano went through but when I tried to scan the sage the machine froze up and kept telling me to put the scanned item in the baggage area. Even after I did that it kept on saying it like it was Rainman or something. At this point I just lost it, throwing my assorted herbs across the scanning area and storming out of the store. Who knew gardening could bring out such anger and petulance?

Scanning stuff is a job for acne ridden teenagers, unambitious older people and recently arrived migrants who haven't yet got their computer science degrees. Back when I fell in the first category I was at least getting paid something to do it. Now however they are trying to get me to do it for free. In the words of John McEnroe, "that's bullshit!"

I don't know where all the staff have gone at Kmart but it seems like an eerie ghost town with overly bright lighting. Providing a human to take my money seems like it would be a common courtesy but I guess Coles Myer would prefer to cut costs than provide me someone to exchange pleasantries with.

I think if you use the self-checkout lane you should be able to steal one item. That way you would be rewarded for your effort and hiring checkout chicks may once again become a good value proposition.

But what's next? Are we going to have to flip our own burgers? Are we going to have to pour our own love heart milk thing when we order a coffee? Are dirty old men going to arrive at brothels and be told to look after themselves? It's a slippery slope people -watch out.

Monday, May 14, 2012

What a waste

An awful lot of your formative years are spent at school learning stuff that doesn't really end up helping us in any way. Sure my Asian studies class may have helped me know the capital of Brunei during pub trivia but there were probably some far more important lessons I could have been learning. If we wanted to really enrich people's lives through school and prepare them to live successfully there would be some other things I would teach.

Gambling - why it is stupid. There are literally billions of dollars wasted on gambling each year in Australia by people who think they have a chance at winning. It gets glorified as some endearing national characteristic but each time I hear some TV commentator say "Australians love a punt" I realise they are really just saying "Australians are idiots".

 Mental health - what the hell is going on. I spent the first 25 years of my life thinking the only people who had issues were the people locked away in the asylum. What's going on inside our heads is pretty fundamental to how we understand and relate to each other. If it is always some dirty little secret you become freaked out by things and totally ill equipped to deal with them.

 Girls - ??? Going to a boys school doesn't really help things but even people who went to co-ed schools still often have no idea. Maybe with a few lessons and a bit of straight talking we would be better prepared for all that relationship stuff. Maybe we would all be happier and have a lower divorce rate.

Rebellion - why not to follow the well trodden path. Fit in, do as we say, accept what I'm telling you - we get get the creative streak kicked out of us pretty quickly at school. Critical thinking needs to be encouraged rather than contained. The most successful people are non-conformists. Often the status quo is crap and it takes a rebel to shake things up.

 Trampolining in to a big foam pit - I did this once. hey should make it a subject because it is just really fun.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Spitting image

Every now and then I meet someone who is convinced I look exactly like someone who is famous. Often though they are not famous to the degree that I've ever heard of them which makes for a really awkward conversation. I think the worst time was at Tracks* circa 1996 and being absolutely hounded by some loud chick who was totally convinced I was some dude from Neighbours. Mostly being compared to a famous person is supposed to be a compliment but sometimes it really doesn't feel like it - especially when you are being told you look just like someone from New kids on the block.
On Friday night I got told I looked like some vampire character in Twilight. My skin isn't that pasty white and I wasn't drinking blood or anything at the time so I didn't really get that one. I have hair that sticks up in the air the same way but is that really enough?
Last night I was told I looked just like the guy from the Hangover. Pictures were even taken so this vague resemblance could be proven.
I once worked alongside two French work experience chicks and they were convinced I had the eyes of a scary lizard creature from the 1983 television series V. Every time I walked past they would point at their eyes and say V in a deep moronic French accent. Thanks to the power of Google Image search I now understand they definitely were not paying me any compliments.
I also once had a woman at a milk bar say "you look like a dog" which was a weird thing to say when all I'd done was nicely order a hamburger. She clarified that she meant a husky dog, which is one of the more attractive breeds, but it still didn't feel like the nicest compliment ever.
*Tracks is Epping's premier nightspot. Relax at Tracks - oh yeah.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Food for thought

I like fortune cookies, fantails and those beers with sports trivia on the bottle top. They give me the rare opportunity to learn something while I consume. I believe the concept really needs to be extended though. How good would it be if your cereal had a series of information cards explaining philosophy? You could discover all about existentialism while chomping down on your muesli. Want sushi for lunch? Instead of plastic it should be wrapped in a little bit of paper that teaches you a few words of Japanese. Just imagine the educational opportunities that each burger wrapper contains. Going to Maccas each day and you wouldn't just be super fat - you'd be super knowledgeable as well.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Girls just want to have fun

Maybe things have changed since the 80's because I don't know if girls really do want to have fun any more. I think girls just want to be thin, well dressed and have a ridiculously high number of friends on facebook. I'm sure Cyndi Lauper is saddened by the current state of the world.


Loud does not equal interesting but ours is a world of idiots with megaphones. Let the quiet ones whisper something in your ear.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Awkward compliment

When I'm using a urinal I'm sure to keep my eyes fixed firmly ahead. After all there is an unwritten contract amongst all males that they will stare intently at the tiles in front of them for the thirty seconds it takes before a short shake and careful repackaging of the equipment. Your eyes should really not be roaming at any point during this procedure.

That's why it was particularly weird the other day when I was taking a piss and a guy complimented me on my watch. It's bad enough that he broke the unwritten contract but then to bring attention to the fact that he was gazing at a spot just centimetres from my exposed wang made me really uncomfortable.

Sunday, February 5, 2012


I want to have long hair just so I can cut it all off. When you start with a crew cut there is just not much room for dramatic change.


Today I had a long term client call me Jeremy. I din't correct her the first time because she was in the full flight of saying something else. She kept calling me Jeremy and I could not really be bothered to correct her because it was relatively close and after the tenth time it would have just been really awkward. I wonder if she's getting alzheimers or if I'm just not very memorable?

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Stop punching sharks

I think the sharks are only biting us because surfers keep punching them. Every time some surfie dude has an encounter with a shark you hear that they punched it. Why? Most sharks would like to have a good fair fist fight but sadly god didn't kit them out with fists.

Of course, some would mount the argument that they don't go around biting sharks so sharks shouldn't bite them. But is this really the case? When you buy fish and chips you usually get a mysterious fish called flake. Flake is just a fancy made up word for shark. Over your life time you've probably bitten in to hundreds of sharks. I reckon if a shark wants to have a nibble on your leg you should just accept it.

You wouldn't challenge a cripple to a running race so why punch a shark?