Monday, September 30, 2013

I am officially old

One of my favourite shows is Media Watch on the ABC. When you are hanging out for that you know you are old and boring.

Or maybe TV was just better back in the day. Back in the day.. yes I am old.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Welcome to country

I find the aboriginal welcome to country thing they do at events these days a little weird.

We invade their country, wipe out most of their population, destroy their culture, steal their babies, then say "I'll throw you a $100 if you come and welcome us to your country for this posh function we are having".

Does this go on in other places? When you go to a function in Israel do they have a Palestinian come out and welcome the crowd to his country?

Friday, September 20, 2013

looking for deaf people

Today I got awoken by someone knocking at my door. He said he was looking for deaf people. I don't know how much luck he was going to have using that method.

It was weird.

Then I turned on Rage on the TV. It had a Frank Zappa video where there was a guy with a head of lettuce as his head, a Ronald Reagan impersonator strapped into an electric chair with a built in harmonica and someone putting donuts on the top of the pointy hood of a KKK member.

It was really weird.

I'm anxiously awaiting more weird shit to happen. If I walk up the street I hope there is a cat busking by playing bagpipes or a child vomiting smarties into a perfect rainbow or maybe just a granny dressed in an animal onesie.

Is life one giant Ms Universe pageant?

I find it odd the idea that we will all be judged at the end of our lives.

Will I be marked down for how I look in my swimsuit?

Thursday, September 19, 2013

hairdressers have got it all wrong

How would you like it?

Shorter - that's why I fucking came here.

Why do we ever have to hear this question? Most men maintain pretty much the same haircut for decades. We just want it back to how it was five weeks ago when we last came in. It should be simple.

I'd suggest that after finishing the haircut the hairdresser take a picture of my head. When I come back in in five weeks time they can refer to it and do the same thing again.

Currently I go to a Korean hairdresser which makes things interesting because when they ask me how I'd like it I have to mime scissors and chop away at bits of my hair. While this is kind of amusing, the really good bit of them having terrible English is that I don't have to have some awkward conversation with them.

For a while I went to a kiwi barber and we just talked about rugby which was fine. However the last time I went to a white hairdresser he pretty much spent the whole time spouting the views of Alan Jones, while also commenting on how much he liked Asian chicks every time an Asian chick walked past the shop (which was pretty often considering his shop was in Chatswood).

I also dislike having to stare into a mirror for twenty minutes - particularly if I'm hungover and look like shit. They should replace the mirror with a TV screen which plays me a sitcom or a mountain biking video or something. As it was yesterday I got bored looking at myself and spent most of the time checking out my hairdresser's amazing scissor holster. It was white leather, held six scissors and had a big diamante on it.  

While there wasn't the awkwardness of talking there was still awkwardness. You see, I think the hairdresser started to think I was checking out his package, when I was in fact trying to determine how many scissors his awesome scissor holster held.

My favourite hairdresser was a place I used to visit in the Hunter Arcade called "As you like it". They gave you beer and sports magazines while you waited. They had a radio up loud to avoid the need for awkward conversation and there was often a bit of cleavage showing so at least you had something to look at in the mirror. They also gave you a head massage at the end. All that for $12. I wish they were still in business.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Graffiti toff

I was in Mosman today and I saw some graffiti on a wall which said "if you hate Australia vote 1 ALP".  It was just so odd. I wish I had of seen the person who wrote it. I can only imagine it was some private school boy wearing a boater, a blazer and his tie slightly loose in a manner which is ever so rebellious. But just how rebellious can you be when you are hanging in Mosman supporting the party which pretty much every rich conservative Mosmanite supports? I could just visualise the kid getting caught and his dad sitting him down for a bollocking. "Allister Trenton Smythe-Jones, I must say I am deeply disappointed in you. Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment, your penmanship is most appalling. What on earth do we your tuition for? And what on earth happened to that calligraphy set we bought you?"

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Cost of living

Politicians promise all sorts of crap but it is usually aimed at someone other than me. If they really wanted to cut the cost of living in Australia and win my vote here is what they could do.

Make Coles an Woolies advertise how much they pay farmers for their produce. I'm sure if people saw the markup they were making on coriander they'd be less inclined to shell out $3 for it. The Asian grocer had 3 bunches for $2 today. I thought, "how can they sell it so cheap?" Then I remembered they weren't part of a price-fixing duopoly.

Stop banks from charging me to access my own money. When the four big banks are raking in a lazy 10 billion a year I don't think it is too much to ask for them to stop charging $2 for me to get me money out from an ATM. Charging me $10 a month for an account that pays no interest also seems like a bit or a rort.

Make beer cheaper at licensed venues. I bought a slab of Asahi for $40 the other day. At home each bottle is costing $1.67. Why then is $8 when I go out? As part of licensing conditions they should have at least one beer that you can buy for a $5 no matter how wanky the bar. If Labor based the rest of their campaign on this policy they would probably win.