Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Arming service station attendants

Late night service stations tend to get robbed a lot by terrifying people with big knifes and guns. So why shouldn't the government pay to give service station attendants guns?

Chances are you think this idea is stupid - even more stupid than all my other stupid ideas. You may point out that this action is far more likely to end up with service station attendants getting their heads blown off and  little bits of skull and brain splattered all over the 2 for 1 Mars Bars. Were I a politician and I came up with this stupid idea I would be roundly criticised and told I was a complete raving lunatic.

So why is it that giving guns to Iraqis is so different? Rather than encourage vulnerable people to seek refuge, we tell them "Here's an AK47. Best of luck".

Suppose I am some Kurdish accountant who has just been presented with a shiny new machine gun. Chances are I will not know what I am doing and will get my head blown off in the first fire fight. After killing me the ISIS combatant will take my shiny new machine gun.

Effectively Australia will have paid loads of money to get me killed and bring weapons to ISIS. Smart one Team Australia!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Where's my fridge magnet?

Back when we last needed to be scared the government spent our money mailing out everyone fridge magnets. Somehow I missed out on receiving my "be alert, not alarmed" fridge magnet and never got to know what the number is for the terrorism hotline. I've been alarmed about this for a decade.

I'm hoping I might get one this time around because at the moment I'm frightfully ill-prepared. If I see some terrorists lurking around I will have to call Barry the Plumber or the 24 hour locksmith, who I both have fridge magnets for.

The fridge magnet for the locksmith does seem a little ill-conceived though. Surely if you have made it to  your fridge you are inside and don't need a locksmith... Perhaps it is for fancy people who have a beer fridge out the back.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Going mainstream

This week Apple really discovered the pitfalls of going mainstream when they thrust a U2 album upon their loyal customers/cult members.

For a brand wanting to be seen as young and fresh, associating their product with rich middle-aged white guys who were at their peak 20 years ago didn't really seem smart. The people who Apple should be targeting weren't even alive when the Joshua Tree was put out. This generation now instantly perceive Apple as a brand for clueless old people with artificial hips.

There is something awful about anything designed to be mainstream. It's why politics is so shit. It's why Top 40 radio is horrible. It's why most TV shows are crap and why most ads make you want to smack yourself in the head with the remote control.

Anything universally acceptable is dull. To excite you need to push the boundaries, not land safely in the middle.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Doing for fencing what Packer did for cricket

At the Olympics fencing has become a fairly tame affair. Previously I've suggested some changes to it to make it a little more theatrical. It seems quite obvious the whole thing should not be staged in a bland hall but rather in a grand manor with chandeliers to swing from and priceless vases to trip over.

I don't think that  goes far enough though. I would like them to swap their pissy little swords  for live full size swordfish. Just imagine the spectacle of a man trying to cling to a slimy, thrashing three metre long fish whilst also trying to direct that fish into his opponent and avoid getting poked in the eye. I'd watch that.

People will no doubt object on the grounds that is cruel but we could always substitute real fish with mechanical ones. Millions of those Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish have been produced before so it is proven technology.

We could even have the fish singing while the event was going on. For improved visuals I'd recommend making the pointy bit on the fish all fluoro like a light-sabre and have the opponents wear suits which light up on contact.


Tuesday, September 2, 2014

What to do when the world loses its mojo

It is easy to slip into a state of despair when you watch the news. Islamic extremists are lopping off heads, invading Russians are shooting down passenger jets and thousands of people are dying from Ebola. On top of all this, our government is trying to fuck us over every which way possible. To me it seems like the world has really lost its mojo.

But how do you get it back again?

In the 80's when we all felt bad about starving children in Ethiopia we amassed lots of famous people to sing "We are the world". Feeling good about everything again was as simple as going down to Brashs and buying the cassingle. It was a fairly decent strategy but these days I don't think the same thing is possible because Justin Beiber will probably get involved and it will all instantly turn to crap. Also cassingles and Brashs both don't exist anymore.

Major sporting events can promote a message of international peace and harmony, whilst also being a helpful form of distraction. Unfortunately the Olympic spirit didn't really do much for Vladimir Putin, who invaded Ukraine shortly after the Sochi winter games. The next soccer world cup is also in Russia so neighbouring countries will be nervous. The one after that is in Qatar, which is basically using a lot of slave labour to construct the whole thing, so no real joy there either.

I think the best idea might to invent a character who is a cross between Jesus and Batman. Jesman would be exciting and he would have a cool outfit. He would do good things and would only punch evil people like IS head loppers and Tony Abbott. He would preach a message of peace but in a catchy rap video format that could be played more often than Gangnam Style. He could help you out if you ran out of wine at a party and would perform various other cool party tricks like walking on water or flying around like a bat.

The wild google conspiracy theory

I'm not usually one for wild conspiracy theories but google is giving me plenty of reason to be suspicious.

Normally, I'm quite old school when it comes to working out where to go, relying on the UBD and my brain. Occasionally however I will talk into my phone and have the annoying google woman guide me to my destination. When I resort to this sad measure she always takes me in the most stupid way possible. Seriously, it is like a three year old has been asked to draw a route through a maze and has ended up just drawing flowers and something which could possibly be a dog, a monkey or Aunty Ruth.

Clearly google have abandoned the whole don't be evil thing and are now in bed with the oil companies. They realise sending me the long way around the block costs me a few extra cents in fuel. Multiply that by the billions of trips which people take each year and it is a bloody bonanza for all the big fat rich people.

Their long term goal is probably to promote climate change so sea levels will rise and they can sell us google life rafts. These stupid life rafts will have some infuriating woman endlessly telling us to turn to starboard in 300 metres and we'll just go round and round until we all go insane and die.