Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Is cyberbullying making kids fat?

It used to be that the school bully would chase you around the playground, tackle you to the ground, pin down your flailing limbs you and give you a wedgie. Whether you were the bully or the bullied a fair bit of energy was expended in the exchange.

Now however the bully just gets on facebook and calls the other kid a poohead. No wonder they are all such boombaladas. I really think there should be a campaign to bring back proper physical bullying. This would keep kids on their toes and develop their skills for running, evasion and self-defence.

Just imagine if lions stopped chasing after zebras and instead just chowed down on doritos while posting stuff online saying that zebras were shit and stripes were lame. You'd have an animal kingdom full of bitchy fat fucks and David Attenborough documentaries would become way more boring.

Harden up fat kids. A little violence is good for you.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

White Space

White space is valued in graphic design. Designers realise that by clearing away all the extraneous bullshit the eye is concentrated on the things that are really important. Chefs have also come to understand this concept and thus often place their fancy little entrees on big white plates, making them look way more impressive.

I think the concept of white space needs to be expanded far further. Just imagine how many conversations could be improved with a little white space. Simply eliminate boring small talk, conversations about medical complaints, complaints about work, obvious statements, questions with obvious answers, questions that have already been asked, views that are already known and any other annoying bits which don't really add much.

Having a little white space would mean people wouldn't say nearly as much but when they did open their mouths you'd be excited to hear what was coming out and chances are it would be something far more interesting than "this mozzie bight is really itchy". Of course it's itchy, it's a mozzie bight. If you find yourself doing this get some cream, get over it and think of something more interesting.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


Porn should really be better than it is. After all, it is a global multi-billion dollar industry. Sadly it is generally let down by the fact that the product is cheap...and nasty.

There comes a point where seeing some chick with plastic tits, plastic stripper shoes and something large in each orifice doesn't really hold much interest. After all, how are you supposed to fantasise about someone whose main talent is warming oversized cucumbers? of course, instead of trying to make things classier the pornographers just keep making things... unnaturally large.

DIY porn has also had an impact. Now any ugly fat mole with a web cam can share her sloppy sexual moments with the whole wide world. Terrible lighting, bad camera angles - most don't even bother to make the bed beforehand. If you are going to degrade yourself why not have some decent production values and tidy up a bit?

Maybe there should be a few plot surprises in pornos. When you see a pool boy with unusually small shorts and an unusually big wang you can pretty much guess what is going to happen next. But what about if half way through it turns into a vampire movie and the lady nibbling on his appendage grows fangs?

Monday, February 7, 2011

Cry babies

Why is everyone kicking up such a stink about classrooms not being air-conditioned? Kids should just learn to harden the fuck up. If your kid is too fragile to go without air-conditioning maybe you should pack them off to some posh private school where they will kept at a constant temperature of 23 degrees. Studying in a baking hot demountable teaches you a valuable life skill - that of not being a soft little pansy.

If we wanted to cool down we had a bubbler. It was fine.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

For the glory of Virgin

I really don't care that Ian Thorpe is back swimming because there is no way he is swimming for the glory of his country - he is swimming for the glory of some airline owned by a Pom. I understand corporate sponsorship helps athletes make a living but I'm sick of them all being owned by a brand. If all those sponsors had not have thrown as much money at Thorpie in the first place he wouldn't have been able to afford to take six years off, swanning around the world attending fashion shows. The lazy prick might have got off is oversized arse and won us some gold at Beijing.

Is it really necessary that we call teams the Qantas Wallabies, the HSBC Waratahs or (back in the 90's) the Coca Cola Kings? The sponsors should really just all piss off and return sport to when it was amateur and awesome. I want occupation listed as one of the fields in every player profile - they should be getting fit by working as a garbo or a piano removalist, not being looked after by a team of sports scientists. I want to go to a stadium which isn't named after a telecommunications provider. I want athletes who are playing just because they love to punch on or want to get away from a nagging missus of a Saturday afternoon. I want them to warm up with Dencorub and cool down with a cheap domestic beer, not some bullshit isotonic sports drink. I want the love back!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


When people respond to a question with the word "whatever" they may think they are portraying a cool nonchalance but the fact is they are not being helpful with their easygoing pretence - they are being fucking lazy. In a world of unlimited options we need people who are prepared to stand up and make a decision. I want Lithuanian lamb cutlets for dinner. I want to go to the circus on Saturday. I want to watch Scooby Doo and some weird SBS movie during the ad breaks. I want the number 8 birthday cake with the racing cars on it and I don't care that I'm 33 and it's not my birthday - that's what I want!

I think I am going to open a restaurant called "I don't know, wherever". After all, how many times must people ask "where do you want to go for dinner" and receive that as the response? My place would be permanently booked out. To save time menus would only be given out to the decision maker at each table. It would be like the olden days "I'll have the Lithuanian lamb chops and she'll have the pigs trotters with a side of vegetables, thank you." If there are no decision makers at the table they'd just get brought out whatever.